paperheart
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2006 23 February :: 7.43pm
New journal. It won't be hard to find me;;
Leave me a comment, and add me as a friend. But only if you will actually comment once in a while, please?
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paperheart
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2006 17 February :: 5.42pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Sarah Beth- Rascal Flatts
Yesterday we had a 1/2 day of school. I came home around 11:30am and helped my mom clean our house. Then I got a shower and went to Amy's. She was having a get together with just a few close friends for her birthday, which is on Monday. So Kristen, Randi, Jena, Amy and I had a pretty good time.
Today was senior skip day, so I stayed home from school, and I had the best day that I've had in a while. I had a long talk with someone, that was very much needed. It was nice.
Randi, Jena, & I might go out tonight. Maybe bowling or something. We're not too sure yet. Tomorrow I have Bridal Shower to go to, and I'm not too excited about that. I'll update some other time.
I love you.
Becky.
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girlxunnoticd
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2006 14 February :: 5.34pm
i feel like dying. i've already prayed not to wake up in the morning. but i keep waking up. i'm struggling with life. i can't do it anymore. only the strong survive and i'm not one of them. i don't ever want to open my eyes again.
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paperheart
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2006 9 February :: 6.46pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Tonight I Wanna Cry- Keith Urban
I really don't ever feel updating anymore. I'm hardly ever on the computer, I always have an away message up on aim, and that's it.
So I guess alot has been going on. Numerous amounts of homework both in school and the class that I'm taking for the dual enrollment program. People that I were friends with before are no longer my friends, "friends" talking shit behind my back, and of course, the biggest thing-- me getting pissed off at everything and everyone. I don't even care anymore though. I just really don't care. I have my boyfriend, and that's all that I need.
The other night I was going to go shopping with Kristen & Randi, but that fell through. Then I was going to go shopping with Amy, but that fell through too. Then Jena and I were supposed to go but she wasn't able to get a car. So Sam asked me to go to Rite Aid tonight, and I went, and picked up a few things, then I went home. I was only out for about 45 minutes- big deal? Not really. Jena just called me though, and asked me to go to Rite Aid, but since I already went, I really don't feel like it. Not to mention, my mom hates when I go places. She says that I run to much. I disagree, but whatever. Her house, her rules I guess.
Becky.
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girlxunnoticd
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2006 9 February :: 12.34am
so what's more depressing? that i've never had a relationship or that i've had sex? we were talking about past relationships. the only thing that comes close for me is sophomore year of high school. i was thinking about it. my parents wouldn't even take pictures of us on prom night. i think i knew that was over before it started. just like this. its over. its probably for the best that i'm 2 and a half hours away. i don't know if i could survive it otherwise. he's had relationships... but he won't now. he won't with me. enough said.
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paperheart
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2006 2 February :: 5.36am
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: I Wish You Were Here- Incubus
It's February 2nd already. Valentine's Day is coming up. It will be a year since my grandmother passed away; and I miss her like crazy. Nobody has any clue how much I miss her, and think about her. It's been 4 months since my grandfather passed away. [Different sides of the family. Dad's mom; but Mom's dad.] I miss him too. It's awkward without them being here.
Anyways, on a brighter note. There is one good thing about Valentine's Day. Actually having a boyfriend. But I have no clue what to get him. I'm on a budget of like $40-50. What a cheap girlfriend.
EDIT--[5:10pm]
We got report cards today. I have six A's and one B. Not too bad; atleast I made the honor roll. I got the B in Accounting, which kept me from making high honors. Blah.
I don't have much to update about, but I was bored; and just felt like saying something. I guess I'll go work on my homework for Medical Terminology. It takes forever to do.
Becky.
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girlxunnoticd
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2006 1 February :: 1.18am
its all about sex with him. i just realized that for sure tonight. thats all he thinks about, thats all he wants. he doesn't really want me, not at all. he just wants me to come home and have sex with him all weekend then go back away so he doesn't have to deal with it. why did i ever think this was something different than that? i knew all along everything we had was physical. he doesn't want to be with me. i'm such a fool. he told me he didn't want a girlfriend. why did i think i could change that? its just getting worse but i'm addicted. its hopeless now. i don't even want to live anymore.
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paperheart
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2006 31 January :: 5.57pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Freaky- Juelz Santana
I guess you could say that today was pretty eventful. I've fought with Amy pretty much all day. I won't go into details. And no, I don't feel bad for fighting with her. She brought it all upon herself.
Randi, Jena, Kristen, & I always talk; and when we're telling stories or whatever, it comes to the point where we've caught Amy in a lie. It would be fine if it happened like once a month, but no, it's EVERYDAY. We are all fed up with her drama and lies.
Not to mention, Amy and I started fighting once I found out she's talking to my [older] brother. She's calling him, text messaging him, and talking to him on aol. It really bothers me. Maybe I'm taking it a little bit out of hand, but in my eyes, she's MY friend, not his. Do you think I'm overreacting? Honestly? I don't think so, but Amy does.
Becky.
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paperheart
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2006 29 January :: 12.47pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Believe- Brooks & Dunn
I've been sick all week and haven't felt like updating. I missed a day of school because I woke up with a really sore throat; not to mention I didn't have a voice that morning either. I still don't feel good, but I'm getting better. My ears hurt the worst though.
Today I went with my parents over to my grandma's house and made her breakfast again. Just as we do every weekend. Which is good considering she lives by herself. She needs the company.
School tomorrow; and class tomorrow night.
I love you.
Becky.
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xxinterrupted
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2006 27 January :: 12.00am
:: Mood: happy
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY
TO ME!
kbye.
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girlxunnoticd
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2006 26 January :: 9.57pm
i'm so nervous about this weekend. not only because my parents are going to question my every move. but also because i have to face his friend for the first time since new years. i don't know what they think of me, but i'm sure its not great. i don't want to face them. i'm terrified. i just have a terrible feeling that they're going to hurt my feelings. and why wouldn't they. i'm just going to be the whore of the group. the girl who comes around ever so often when her man needs to get some. lets face it, i'm not going to fit in. and when his friends don't think highly of me, he'll start to do the same. even though it doesn't seem he thinks too highly of me at times as it is. i just don't know what to do. should i just stay here? would i save myself ridicule and heartache or would i risk losing him for good if i don't go home now. i wish everything didn't have to be so difficult. i just know they're not going to like me. but maybe this weekend i will figure out what is going on between us and whether or not i should stay here or go...
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paperheart
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2006 24 January :: 5.32am
:: Mood: tired
I started the medical terminology class at CCAC last night. I really liked it. It will be a lot of work; but nothing I can't handle. Last night we actually completed 3 chapters. I'm not used to that pace quite yet, but I'm still hanging on. We were also told that we have a test every week on the material we learned the week before. The class is from 6pm until 9:10pm every Monday.
I just wanted to update really quick. I need to go take a shower so I can get ready for school. Comment me.
Becky.
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paperheart
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2006 22 January :: 7.18pm
:: Mood: ecstatic
:: Music: Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd
This weekend was pretty much amazing. =]
Friday I came home from school and took a much needed nap. I woke up; and read for a while. After that I went out for the night with the best guy in the entire world. <333
On Saturday, I went to my grandmother's house with my parents, and we cooked her breakfast. I came home and then left again. After I got home, I cleaned my room and did some of my homework.
Today I was just laying around all day. I was waiting for 3pm to roll around so that I can watch the Steeler game. Which by the way was great. Steelers beat the Broncos; 34-17 and we're on our way to Detroit for the Superbowl. I'm not sure who we're playing yet; that game is still going on. It's probably going to be Seattle. I'm not too worried about it. The Steelers are going strong.
I love you.
Becky.
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paperheart
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2006 21 January :: 4.21pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: Sarah McLachlan- Angel
When the broken hearts are mended and the many tears are dried, you learn. When you're over the old boyfriends and girlfriends and you realize you can live without your first love, you learn. You see that the world doesn't end just because you think it will, and that sometimes growing up means letting go. You learn what real love is, and you begin to see that one friend who really cares about you is better than a hundred friends who don't. You learn that you can be strong. Take each day step-by-step, and survive every sad moment. So feel the pain and cry the tears, go out and experience life. But when you're at the end of your rope, and you're ready to jump off that ledge, remember that heartache fades, pain subsides, and though life seems at times too tough to handle, it's also too precious a gift to waste. So keep living. Never give up, and remember: You Learn.
Becky.
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girlxunnoticd
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2006 19 January :: 10.37pm
was it love or was i just a fool?
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paperheart
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2006 19 January :: 12.21pm
:: Mood: pissed off
Ahh, I don't know why I haven't updated. Haven't felt like it I guess. Anyway, Amy and I went to the mall last night. After that we went to Wal*Mart and then went somewhere to get something to eat.
Today has been a really bad day since I woke up. Not to mention, Kristen and I are fighting again. We were sitting at lunch today; and she said:
Kristen- "Becky, I've been meaning to ask you something. What did Sam say about Randi & I being friends again?"
Me- "She didn't say anything."
Kristen- "You're lying."
Okay, so that's when I flipped and cussed her out. First of all, nobody will ever sit there and call me a liar to my face and not expect to get a bad response out of me. I'm not a liar, and I don't appreciate someone calling me one. Second of all, Sam really didn't say anything because she doesn't care. A lot of people are really self conscience, and think everyone talks about them. But actually, they are worthless and nobody could give a rat's ass about them.
Becky.
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paperheart
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2006 11 January :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: okay
:: Music: My Best Friend- Tim McGraw
I haven't felt like updating. Actually, I haven't had anything to update about. School is school. Family is family. Friends are friends. That's pretty much it.
I came home from school today and my mom, my brother and I went to a few places, and then we went to the mall. I wanted a new pair of shoes. So I got a really cute pair of Pink & White Etnies for $45.
The part of this song is perfect;
You're more than a lover. There could never be another. To make me feel the way you do. And oh, we just get closer. I fall in love all over, everytime I look at you. And I don't know where I'd be. Without you here with me. Life with you makes perfect sense. You're my best friend.
Becky.
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girlxunnoticd
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2006 11 January :: 12.33am
i'm so confused. and for once its not about E.
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paperheart
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2006 7 January :: 7.22pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Because of You- Kelly Clarkson
Survey.
Basics.
Time started: 7:22pm
Name: Rebecca
Nickname: Becky; Becca
Sex: Female
Birthday: August 13, 1988
Sign: Leo
Siblings: One brother
Eye color: Blue
Shoe size: 8-8 1/2
Height: 5'3"
What are you wearing right now: T-shirt & Pajama Pants
Where do you live: At home with my parents
Are you a righty or lefty: Righty
Relationships or no relationships: Relationships
Breakfast: I don't eat breakfast that often.
Favorite cartoon characters: Spongebob Squarepants & Jimmy Neutron
Have you ever?..
Given anyone a bath: Yes
Bungee Jumped: Yes
Parasailed: No, but I want to, and I will.
Made yourself throw-up: I tried, but I can't do it.
Gone skinny dipping: Yes
Been in the opposite sex's bathroom: Yes
Eaten a dog biscuit: When I was little.
Got your tongue stuck to a pole: No
Loved someone so much it made you cry: Yes
Played truth or dare: Of course.
Been in a physical fight: Yeah.. lol.
Been in a police car: Nope
Been in a hot tub: Yes
Swam in the ocean: mhmm.
Fallen asleep in school: Just once when I was sick. But the teacher yelled at me, and I haven't been able to sleep since. I was so afraid of him.
Ran away: No
Broken someone's heart: I doubt it.
Flashed someone: Yes
Cried in school: Yes
Fell off your chair: Yes
Saved MSN / AOL / AIM conversations: Only the important ones.
Saved e-mails: Yes
Fallen for a close or best friend?: Yeah
First thing that comes to mind...
Red: Roses
Blue: Sky
Autumn: Leaves
Cow: Moo
Cat: Meow
Nickel: Silver
Elbow: Nothing came to mind.
What is?..
Your room like: Small, but clean.
The last thing you said: "I'm bored."
Beside you right now: Papers, & Water
Have you?..
Had Chicken pox: Yeah.
Had a Sore Throat: Yeah. I have one right now as a matter of fact.
Loved anyone: Of course. I still do.
Do you?..
Believe in love at first sight: No. That bothers me.
Like picnics: I've never been on a picnic.
Like school: Yeah, only because I like to learn.
Like filling these out: Obviously
Wear contacts or glasses: No
Like yourself: Just depends.
Get along with your family: Yeah, sometimes.
Have piercings below the waist?: No
Would you?..
Eat a live hamster: Hell no.
Go to a Hanson concert: No
Kill someone you didn't know for 15 billion dollars: No, because I couldn't use the 15 billion dollars in jail.
Are you?..
Obsessive?: Yes; about alot of things.
Anorexic?: No.
Suicidal? No.
Who was the last person?..
You touched? My dog; if that counts.
You massaged: Jake
You Kissed: Jake
You yelled at: My dog
You had a crush on: Jake started out as a crush..
You were in love with: Jake; and I still am.
Who broke your heart: Kevin
Final questions...
How many people are you sending this to: None
What are you listening to right now: Football on TV
What did you do yesterday: Went to school && came home.
Last night: Nothing.
What is your favorite band: At the moment; The Academy Is.
Hated someone in your family: Yes
Got any awards: Yes.
Have you ever gone streaking? No
Want to get married someday: Yes
What is your favorite video game? Madden Football [any year]
Have a lava lamp?: Yes
How many remote controls are in your house: About 10
Are you double jointed: Not that I know of.
What do you dream about: Everything.
The last movie you saw in theatres? The Incredibles. It's been a while.
Scary or happy movies: Both
Root beer or Dr. Pepper: I don't drink pop.
Mud or Jell-O wrestling: Jell-O; haha.
Silver or Gold: Gold
Diamond or pearl: Diamond
Sunset or Sunrise: Sunrise
Phone or in person: In person
Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Youngest
End Time?: 7:42pm
Becky.
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paperheart
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2006 5 January :: 6.00pm
:: Mood: irritated
:: Music: Dance Dance- Fallout Boy
I can feel my attitude changing towards every little thing that is going on right now. It feels like I can physically hurt someone, or something and not even care. No, I'm not thinking about murdering anyone, so don't let rumors fly.
I'm tired of waking up every morning to face a battle with my parents. I feel as though I'm being treated like a 5 year old, and in reality, I'm a 17 year old who is going to be graduating from high school this year. I can't ever voice my opinions, so I usually just say them to myself; atleast I'll listen. I didn't feel like doing that this time. Things such as getting my license and being able to go out with friends on school nights may seem like little things, but little things are what bother me the most. I haven't done anything to anyone in order for them to lose their trust with me; and I don't intend to be treated as though I have.
While I'm on the subject of things bothering me, I might as well continue on with something else.
Dear Friend,
You'll wake up sometime and realize what you're doing wrong, and why it's wrong. Take 10 minutes out of your busy schedule to think to yourself why you're doing what you're doing, and then try to tell me that it's something worthwhile.
Becky.
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girlxunnoticd
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2006 4 January :: 12.10am
i never realized how hopeless this was until just this minute. of all the life goals one could have he said "to have a good job". that was it. no aspirations for marriage or family... just a good job. i knew right then i'd never have him. he was a lost cause, at least for me. and he'd been breaking my heart for the past two years with no signs of stopping. i needed to get out. but i couldn't. i was in love. totally completely in love with someone who probably didn't even believe in love. it was just my luck. every one of his friends had girlfriends... i was just his cheap fuck. i'd only met most of his friends once or twice. and he didn't invite me around them much. he didn't even make plans with me much. it was late night calls that kept us seeing each other. it was like a cheap affair except instead of a skanky hotel room it was the back seat of his car. i wanted so bad to tell him in this moment that this wasn't going to work. but i was too scared. i didn't want to lose him yet. i wasn't sure i could live without him at this point. so another night, another break in my heart.
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paperheart
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2006 3 January :: 12.18pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: You'll Always Be My Baby- Mariah Carey
I went to bed at 11:30 last night, not feeling too well. My stomach hurt really bad. Then I woke up at 1:00am this morning and got sick. Then it happened about every hour; and it's still happening. I was sick exactly 3 weeks ago with the same thing. I've been sleeping, and drinking Ginger Ale. Hopefully I'll feel better soon. Blah.
I love you.
Becky.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 30 December :: 11.47pm
i wish i was pretty. i wish i was smart. i wish i was good enough for andrew and his friends. not only as a cheap fuck, but as a girlfriend... something that i'll never be to him. everyone is invited to the new years party... except me. i haven't been good enough for him for the past 2 years, why would i be now? i'm stupid and with every day i just get more so. was it the xmas gift? he won't wear it... why did i bother? i tried to be nice but it just ended up looking like too much. he has everything he wants and i have everything i don't want and nothing that i do. so i guess thats it. i'll just take back the shirt and the shoes and the jewelry i was going to wear to try to impress him. i don't need those things. he just put another crack in my already shattered heart. but i should have seen it coming.
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paperheart
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2006 1 January :: 2.06pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: Shake That- Eminem
I'm glad that 2005 is over. This year has probably been the worst year of my life. I'm serious.
February 14, 2005- My grandmother passed away after being sick for eight months. She was 67.
September 24, 2005- My grandfather passed away after being sick for almost four months. He was 82.
September 26, 2005- We had to have our dog Midnight put to sleep, after she had been sick for about two weeks.
Not to mention all of the shit that my aunt put my family through. She's been in and out of jail for drugs, stealing, and not paying fines. As a matter of fact, two days ago, she went to jail again. She has four kids. They are 14, 5, 3, and 2 years old.
I think I have a lot to look forward to in this year; so I hope it's much better than 2005.
Becky.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 25 December :: 11.16pm
theres a box in the corner with his name on it. the only ungiven christmas gift at 11:09 central standard time on christmas day. i have my doubts now. there were times when i thought we were in love. but that was all a lie. i don't really know what i was thinking when i bought it. i knew i didn't mean a thing to him. if i was brave i'd pack a bag right now and never look back. i have nothing, i live for nothing. i loved him, i honestly did. more than anything i've ever loved before. i let myself care and he couldn't even call or send a simple e-mail to say merry christmas. and now i know he's not the one because someone who loved me would never make me cry myself to sleep on christmas. so merry christmas baby.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 22 December :: 12.09am
what did it mean, if anything? i need to know. maybe i am overanalyzing it. but there were so many things. i could spend all night with him and not even notice the time pass. i don't know what he wants or what he's thinking and i sort of wish i did. what did it mean when he held my hand? was it something sweet or just a way to move his hand to my leg. i'm confused. everything that had seemed simple is so complicated to me. i want to leave but i'm never going to be able to leave him. i'm in love with him and as much as i wish i could change that, i can't.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 20 December :: 9.55pm
i feel alone. moreso than i ever have before. and this is the hardest time of year.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 15 December :: 12.28am
:: Music: howie day
so i was going alone all content with the way things were... then it hit me like a ton of bricks. it sent chills through my body. i knew right at that moment that everything i thought was fine is completely and utterly fucked. i don't know why i thought i could get him an xmas gift and it would be just fine and happy. he told me not to and thats the response i'm going to get when i show up with it. i don't know what else i expected. i guess that he would give me something spectacular and confess that he really wanted to be with me. what kind of dream world have i been living in? i guess i needed to take this reality trip. so now i guess i should decide, should i take his gift back now and save myself the humiliation and yet another heart break when i discover that he really doesn't want it and he didn't get me anything just like he said he wouldn't... or should i give it to him and take my chances on his reaction. problem being i know his reaction already... i can play it in my head. i know its going to be bad. so why put myself through it you may ask. because i'm just that fucked up. i just need him to crush me down again for the millionth time. maybe some day i'll have had enough. but until then i'll just set myself up for another huge let down. why can't i just understand that he doesn't want to be with me? its not that difficult of a concept to grasp. i don't know why i can't just get a handle on it and get over it already.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 10 December :: 3.08am
i don't know what to do. and i'm going to have to figure it out for myself because i don't deserve any help after the things i've said and done. i'm a cheap slut and i'm never going to find a meaningful relationship. if i died right now i woudl go straight to hell. there's no doubt in my mind about that. i wish i wasn't like this. i'm stupid and i'm going to pay for it dearly. i know that but i still keep doing it. i don't deserve him, that is why he is using me. i need to get out of here. i need something that i'm now never going to have...
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 9 December :: 1.05pm
well, the only positive thing i think i can say about this is that i know its over for sure now. i don't really want to see him ever again. i just wish i would have known this about 2 years ago. i really don't know what to do with myself. this is the worst possible time of the year to be alone.
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