xxinterrupted
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2004 2 July :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: amused
so i was just online, browsing on some new sites that i had discovered.. and i come along to my journal entry that i made yesterday and saw that i had a comment left by someone. so i clicked on and; and it read:
"um why r u so proud that ur pregnant."
so knowing me.. that note would not go unanswered. i replied:
"well i'm sure as hell not going to be ashamed of it.
..why wouldn't i be proud? just because of my age? get over it, a lot more girls a lot more younger than me are having kids. at least i'm taking responsibility for my actions."
but no, i think the people that read my journal don't look at my notes; and i wanted to make this more aware to everyone:
i am not ashamed of being pregnant. if you're one of my friends and are ashamed of me; then why are you still talking to me? i don't want to have anything to do with you if you aren't going to help and support my decisions.
like i said, there are a lot more girls out there, much younger than me that are pregnant, doing drugs, drinking; and just not caring what happens. you don't see me going off and drinking or doing drugs do you? no, because i take responsibility for my actions. which is a lot more than i can say for most of the people that i know, or even don't know for that matter.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 2 July :: 1.15am
if there was only one thing i could do right now i would kiss you and i'd mean it... and you'd know that i meant it.
i need you. i can't live without you.
you are my everything.
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
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xxinterrupted
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2004 1 July :: 7.33pm
:: Mood: irritated
..i'm to forgiving, huh jim? lol
i had my doctors apointment today. i was so tired. i didn't go to bed until 4:30, and then jim called at 5:30 and we talked til 8:00 then i fell back asleep until 9:30, i got up and got dressed really fast because my apointment was at 10. we were only 15 minutes late! lol, we made it. i only gained 1 pound since a month ago; the doctor doesn't think i'm eating.. but i am. the babys heart beat is so strong. it's good to hear it.
after the doctors, we stopped at subway, then at the bar. then to the supermarket. while we were getting things, i almost blacked out. i guess it's because i didn't sleep or whatever; but it's one of the worst feelings in the world. you get lightheaded and really weak, then everything just goes black. my mom made me go sit in the car while she finished checking out.
mmmm.. we bought spaghitti-o's!!
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 30 June :: 2.20am
i can't sleep because if i sleep i will dream about you... and if i dream about you, i won't be able to breathe without you when the dream is over...
i <3 u
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 30 June :: 1.35am
i feel so sick i could throw up. my stomach is twisted and i just don't want to go on like this. i thought i could handle it, when he wrote her back but not me... i can't. i can't handle this. i don't know whether to scream or cry. and ryan, you're not making this any easier. haha its so funny that you pretend you care. and leslie, how funny it is that you pretend to help. i don't even know anymore... i just feel numb. and with every new message or every new saturday night, i get a new found hope. and then every time it is shattered. i don't want to go with them tomorrow... they are so happy and falling in love... and i am so alone that i can't even feel. i just want to lock myself away until i can't remember his face... but will it ever go away? i thought maybe i had a slight chance to be his, but who was i kidding? only myself. i'm never going to be happy. i don't want to be this 3rd wheel anymore. i just don't. all i really want is you... and i wish you knew that... but if you did, i doubt you'd even care. i wish i could make you care... because i'll always love you... and i can't change that... at least not now.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 29 June :: 2.08am
he's probably not talking to me because i've scared him away. why does she have to go on doing that stuff? why can't i just be happy. i don't want to go away... i want to stay... with you, forever.
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xxinterrupted
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2004 29 June :: 12.45am
i was walking through my kitchen, and i stepped on a piece of an orange.. WHO LEAVES PIECES OF ORANGES ON THE FLOOR?!
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xxinterrupted
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2004 28 June :: 7.10pm
:: Mood: awake
what a yucky day today turned out to be. i was supposed to go to the bar to taste food; but i didn't feel like going- so i stayed home.
i went up my grams for about 2 hours because my uncle had to go somewhere with mary; and someone has to stay with my gram. so i left when donnie came home around 2. i came home and fell asleep until around 5 i think then i called jim. we were gonna go to the drive in tonight with chelsea and the girls, but it ended up pouring down rain! so that messed everything up.
i can't wait til wednesday! jim's coming over after work in the morning, then he gets to stay til thursday when he has to go back to work that night. then on friday we're going to go to the mall and movies.
i think i have a cavity. i'm sitting here eating sour patch kids; and one of my bottom left teeth is hurting bad.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 28 June :: 1.10am
"oh how we've shouted, how we've screamed 'take notice, take interest, take me with you'..."
i wish he knew that he could make everything right... but that he could also make everything wrong. i wish he knew that. i wish he knew i loved him so. and i wish he felt the same.
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xxinterrupted
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2004 27 June :: 2.03pm
:: Mood: tired
well, zues was laying on my bed last night and knocked over annas cd player that i was borrowing because my stereo is on it's last end. so i'm scared to see if it still works; i hope he didn't break it!
wow, the bar wasn't packed like it was on friday. but it definitly had a steady flow of people which is good. i got nachos, but they didn't hit the spot. my aunt came in around 11:00 and ordered wings and fries, and she shared them with me because she couldn't eat them all. we ended up getting home earlier than usualy;; 2:30am i think. i waited up til 5 when jim would call.. then we talked for 30 minutes, then he went back to work.. he said he'd call me when he got home and he did but i guess i didn't hear the phone ring. he left 2 messages to. i musta been in a deep sleep because i always answer the phone!
can't wait til tomorrow. my mom, george, dustin, matt and i are all going to the bar for taste testing! sysco [where my mom orders the food for the bar] is bringing in a chief to cook some different food to try to see if we want it for our menu. the last time they came in i was there and they brought about 5 different kinds of cheese cake! ohhhh, me matt and jason were going nuts! haha. i can't wait.
i don't really think i'm doing anything today; i lead a boring life. thank goodness jim called me at 1:40 today other wise i would still be sleeping right now.
my foots asleep.
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xxinterrupted
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2004 26 June :: 4.49pm
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: semisonic - closing time, 504 boys - i can tell
things have been really boring as always. nothing new going on.
yesterday i went to the bar with my mom and helped out. we had to go out and get some alcohol [they ran out] so we stopped at target and my mom got a some new clothes, and we stopped to give jim some chicken fetichini [sp?] for his lunch because i couldn't finish all mine.. bill made it especially for my mom and i, it was really good. so after we dropped that off we went back to the bar and hung out, did some things. we left at 3:30am.. and i made my mom drive me up to giant eagle to get some caramel ice cream because i was craving it! and i also got to see my baby for like 5 minutes. so i was happy, and i definitly suprised him. :D then we left and got home at 4:00am. i tried to stay up because jim was calling at 5.. but i ended up falling asleep at 4:30 or so. jim called and i answered but we didnt stay on the phone. after he was done eating he called back and told me that the chicken fetichini was really good. i'm glad he liked it.
i don't know, i don't want to jinx anything but things with jim & i are going really good. it's hard to explain; but i guess we actually talk again, not just "hi, bye" kinda stuff; but real things. hmmmm- i doubt anyone will understand what i'm talking about, but oh well. things are going good.
i have my next doctors apointment on july 1, i'm gonna see if jim wants to go with me. i don't know if he will though because it's at 10:00 in the morning, and he just got home from work about 3 hours before that. but i hope he will.
the girls went to their dads this weekend, so i'm free. but i'm not doing anything.. haha.
i still have to pay that $120 fine from missing school last year. ..i think it was 120, or maybe it was 130.. i don't remember; it was somewhere around there. i still have to pay it. soon.
only 13 more weeks and the baby's due! i can't wait. i feel like a whale. i actually weigh less now than when i did before i was pregnant, but i look like a huge balloon. i started crying when i was over jims on thursday because i said i was fat.
i have to go get ready to go to the bar again. my mom should be here soon to pick me up.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 26 June :: 2.29am
thank you andrew you made my night wonderful.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 23 June :: 11.49pm
so maybe i should do something someday. maybe i should make something of myself. i wish i could. i wish i could be happy. its all i really want. but i'm not. i'm here at home, bored and lonely. wondering what you're doing. are you having fun? are you with your friends or are you by yourself? are you happy? i wish i could make you happy. because i would. and i would never stop. and things would be good and perfect. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
well i guess i have nothing else to do but pray and hope that someday you might find that you need me. maybe someday i will be desirable instead of invisible to you. at least i hope that someday you will need me. because i need you... and i miss you. and i'd give anything to be with you...
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 22 June :: 2.34am
i need something to get me through this. i need you. i'd give anything for you to want me around. anything...
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xxinterrupted
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2004 21 June :: 10.48pm
i'm so stupid.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 21 June :: 2.02am
i think i messed up. i told ryan the secret. but i guess it should get out eventually. tonight was good, i guess. *********************** i'm seeing stars... i can't help it. i like him so much... he's everything to me.
<3 always.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 20 June :: 2.07am
i missed you in massachusetts, i missed you in california... i miss you in illinois. i miss you all the time. every day... especially every night. i think i miss you most on wednesdays and saturdays. i wish things were like they were. i wish we were together. we had fun. things were good. i never had to worry... only about saying something stupid. i wish i would have said more... i wish i would have said how much i care. i wish i had another chance to do that. i wish i had another chance to be with you. because i miss you. and i need you. i wish you needed me too.
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xxinterrupted
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2004 19 June :: 9.00am
:: Mood: tired
i don't know what's wrong with me, i can't eat.. or when i do eat i can't keep it down. too much stress over jim or something; i don't know.
jim came over yesterday for about an hour. we're still together. he felt the baby kick for the first time yesterday.. it was so cute. he got me a dozen roses and a card.. i love him so much.
amy came over to.. she just left about a half hour ago. she had to go to work.
i'm just sitting here; my mom and i are going to get george his fathers day present today. and then i'm gonna try to go to jims house, or maybe i can get him to come over here. it depends on if he has to work or not.
i'm gonna go try to get some more sleep because i hardly slept at all last night.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 18 June :: 1.35am
still don't know what i'm doing any why i'm even doing it. another thursday night wasted. every day is wasted. and every night is just the same. so confide in me, because i will be there. and because i won't tell because i don't have anyone to tell. i hate this town, i hate these people. the only thing i want to remember about this place is him. and i don't even know if i can do that. well actually, i know i won't forget. i need a sign... i need something to get me through to good times or something that at least seems right.
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xxinterrupted
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2004 17 June :: 11.51pm
i just talked to jim on the phone.. i told him that i just wanted to be friends and that we'd talk about everything when i saw him in person.
..we'll see
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xxinterrupted
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2004 17 June :: 11.12pm
:: Mood: rejected
i don't even know what's going on anymore.. i mean i think i broke up with jim, but he doesn't seem to think so. but what am i kidding myself? i'm nothing without him. we're like bonnie & clyde, peanut butter & jelly, spaghitti & meatballs.
everythings still going around all in my mind, jim.. cheating on me? i don't know; i never thought he would ever do something like that, because we talked about stuff like that.. but i don't know. when i asked the girl-- she didn't deny it. jim swears nothing happened;; that they were just friends and only talked. in a way i want to slap him and tell him to stop lying to me but in another way i believe him. i've been thinking about it all day, and i don't know what to do.
i've cried enough in the past 2 days. i just need to stop, whatever happened happened.
i guess it hurts the most because i always believed that he loved me so much but anymore even though he says he does; i don't know if he's just saying that because of the baby, or if he really does.
then i think about the baby and maybe he really does love me because my mom and i told him that if he wants out he can just leave, and he wouldn't have to pay for anything. and he doesn't seem like he wants to leave.
if he needed a friend, why couldn't he talk to me? he had to go talk to some girl all the time? we've been together for a year & a 1/2 and i'm having his baby for god sakes.
all i keep thinking to myself is that i should have broke up with him a long time ago when he stopped coming around. god just to see him i have to bend over backwards. he always seems to be busy, or never has a ride or just some fuckin' excuse! he hasn't been around for the past 4-5 months, i'm used to him not being around so it's not like that's any different.
..but i don't know
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 17 June :: 12.44am
so she can go to sleep at night knowing that everyone wants her. and i can't go to sleep at all because i know that tomorrow i will wake up alone. i can't feel but numb and i don't know how to make it better. i know i'm not ever going to be as pretty as she is.. so i guess i'm never going to be loved. i don't know what to do anymore. i just don't know what to do. i can't fake this anymore. i can't fake being okay because i am not. it hurts so bad inside of me that i can't even breathe anymore. yeah sure, i will put in a good word for you. because of course you are just using me to get to her. everyone is. i mean why would anyone want me? i'm not anything worth anything. i'm just worthlessness and nothingness. i'm everything that no one here wants. and no matter what i do, i'm never going to have what i want. because, eventually, he will want her too. and i can't run away because i can't bear these thoughts of leaving you. but i have to. i will have to. then i don't know what i am going to do. because i feel as if i can't live without the hope that maybe some day there will be an e-mail or maybe a phone call.. or maybe i will see you passing by... i live for those moments. and if they are gone... i might as well be no more. but i guess i already am... since you are easily going on without me.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 16 June :: 11.43pm
don't you hate it when your friends turn into bitter assholes. i'm really through with caring though. i'm really through with caring about anything anymore. i'm sick of worrying what someone is going to think if i do something that i want to do. i just want to say fuck you to everyone who wants to pull me down. this is my life and i'm going to do what i want. and if that includes going to car races, playing golf, and sitting on my ass, then i am going to do it. so if everything ends up going downhill from here then theres just not much i can do about it. i'm through with this stupid teenage drama.
... but in the heat of my anger... i still miss you. <3
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xxinterrupted
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2004 16 June :: 10.11pm
..i wish things could be like they used to
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xxinterrupted
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2004 16 June :: 1.41am
:: Mood: sad
Cut the skin to the bone
Fall asleep all alone
Hear your voice in the dark
Lose myself in your eyes
Choke my voice
Say goodnight as the world falls apart
Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this
Here's a letter for you
But the words get confused
And the conversation dies
Apologize for the past
Talk some shit take it back
Are we cursed to this life
Fuck I can't let this kill me
Let go
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this problem
I need some more time to fix this
I'm talking to the ceiling
My life just lost all meaning
Do one thing for me tonight
I'm dying in this silence
The last star left in heaven
Is falling down to earth and
Do you still feel the same way
Do you still feel the same way
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 16 June :: 1.29am
all i know now is that i am not happy. i went tonight to see someone who wasn't there. i wish people wouldn't lie... and i wish people would show how they really feel. maybe that would make a lot of things really a lot easier. i can't figure things out, and i'm not being given a chance. i guess i missed all my chances... i don't know. i hope i didn't, but if fate is real, then maybe things will still turn out. i've been praying every night, but i don't know if its been helping. i'm still tired and lost and feel so hopeless. i only have like 2 months left and i feel overwhelmed. i don't know what i am doing here or anywhere. and the only time i ever felt okay was when i was with him... when the only thing that i was scared of was if i would say something stupid. i miss him so much and again as i have said i would give anything, i would give up everything for another night with him. and especially maybe for forever.
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xxinterrupted
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2004 15 June :: 3.28pm
guys aren't worth fuckin' shit.
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girlxunnoticd
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2004 14 June :: 1.35am
"man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has, but Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreampt at all..."
well there were good nights, and there were bad. i guess theres really nothing to do but keep praying and hoping. one day hopefully things will turn out right. maybe someday i will be happy....
i will stay i will stay i will stay...
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