Eyes are the size of the moon...

:: 2004 12 June :: 12.56am
:: Mood: sad

i'm just sitting here, drinking some ice water.

:: 2004 10 June :: 11.51pm
:: Mood: funny

didn't go get my permit today.. "something came up" so i guess we're getting it tomorrow.

we'll see.

:: 2004 10 June :: 11.13am

for a moment all the world was right...

what do i do wrong?

:: 2004 10 June :: 12.42am

well i should have known not to get my hopes up. it was just one of those things that only happens once. i thought it was my big second chance, but i'm not so sure. things aren't working out right. but still i love him. this only made it stronger. i just really want to ask him... are we ever going to be more than "just friends"?

and i hope he says yes.

:: 2004 9 June :: 3.19pm

you are my only one...
last night was the best night ever. it was fun and amazing and so much fun. i just can't even describe it. the only thing that could have made it better is if andrew had talked a little more. he is so quiet... which isn't a bad thing at all. i will be infinitely happy if we can even just be friends.

wow...

:: 2004 9 June :: 11.20am
:: Mood: cranky

i hurt my foot.

i've watched moulin rouge 5 times in the past 2 days. lol, i still love that movie.

going to get my permit tomorrow.

july 1 is my next doctors apt. for the baby.

i don't know what i'm doing today.. chelsea is coming at 2.. and she'll be here to watch the girls til around 9.. so i have all that free time of doing nothing. hmmm.. i'll see what jim is doing.

:: 2004 8 June :: 12.34am

i don't really know what to do. just listen to the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder who exactly you are driving around with on this monday night. hopefully its shane... but sometimes i doubt it. i've never felt this down... and i don't really know how to make things good again. all i want is for you to like me, even if just as a friend... and we can talk, and hang out, and even play some golf. i don't care... anything. maybe i'm just lonely... or maybe i am completely and utterly in love. i don't know... and maybe i never will... because i had my chance, and as much as i would give for just one more... i don't think i am ever going to get that. .. ...

:: 2004 7 June :: 12.27am

"look at me, my depth perception must be off again, cause this hurts deeper than i thought it did..."

i try and i try, but i still can't stop thinking of you....

"could you find it your heart to make this go away and let me rest in pieces?"

i miss you, and i knew i never should have thought i had a chance... but i liked you since the day i met you... since that day we can't even remember...

"look at me, my depth perception must be off again, you got much closer than i thought you did..."

i just want this feeling that ensues every time i see you to go away... i want you to like me or i want you to go away.. and let me rest in pieces.

:: 2004 6 June :: 1.07pm
:: Mood: lazy

first off: WE FOUND ZEUS! we put an add in the newspaper under lost & found and someone called about him. i guess the night of the storm [when he ran away] he was up the mingo twist n shake and all scared and everything, so some guy opened his car door and let him in. they took him home. i'm so happy! we get to go get him around 4:30-5:00.

i went to the doctors on thursday. i have some sorta infection. but it'll cause me to go into early [way early] labor; so i had to get on more antibiotics. there is always so many things wrong with me.

ahhhh. yesterday in the morning my aunt loraine, gram and i went to waynesburg for a yard sale, for my grams therapist (SP?) [yes, thats like 45 minutes away from where i live.] my aunt and i didn't want to go, but my gram put the guilt trip on; and we ended up going.. but in the end it was a good thing because we got a crib for up my aunts house, a walker, and a whole bunch of little rattles/infant toys. melanie [i think that was her name.. thats joes wife] and joe [my grams therapist] have 3 little girls, so they have about a million infant clothes. so she said she would save the clothes until i knew for sure that i was having a girl. and that was really nice.

yesterday around 5:00 i went into tha bar, for the fundraiser thing. we did really good. we were packed. i was really tired by the end of the night though.

todays berts welcome home picnic! he got back from over-seas thursday. but he can only stay home for 7 weeks.. but i bet tammy and the girls are so happy he's home.

:: 2004 6 June :: 1.45am

can you die from a broken heart?

if it would stop this pain i would right now...

:: 2004 5 June :: 2.05am

i don't know much... like how things are going to turn out and such... but i do know some things... and one of them is that i don't like this at all. i don't like the way things feel around here, and i guess i never really did. maybe i was looking for a friend, a love, an escape... and you know... maybe i had found it... but if it was love... its over now... i hate the way some things and people change, but i guess change is the only way things keep going. i knew that 21 changes everything, it did with everyone else, why did i think it wouldn't be the same this time. i guess i never really did think it would work out. too good to be true... that sums it up right there. i was always used to friday nights alone at home... but these saturdays that keep coming without feeling are killing me inside. so, i hate to say it, but i know its true... i miss you andrew... and i wish i could just say that much... but i know you wouldn't understand, because it wasn't much that you gave me, just by being there, but to me it was everything. and i honestly would give up everything i have and ever will have to be with you again, just doing nothing like we always seemed to do. because those were the best nights of my life.

:: 2004 4 June :: 1.12am

i guess kaylle was right...

hearts are broken every day.

:: 2004 2 June :: 8.48pm
:: Mood: upset

we can't find zeus..

he's been gone for a few hours, and he's never ran away before.

i hope he's okay.

:(

:: 2004 2 June :: 12.25pm
:: Mood: blank

my feet are cold.

well yesterday i went with my mom to the school got all my stuff, returned my books blah blah blah. i'm taking finials sometime at the end of the month i guess.

after that we went to k-mart and got a couple things. then we went to the bar, got something to eat and left. we came home only to leave again to go to annas play at the highschool. that was only about an hour or so. after that we all went home.

my mom, george and the girls left to go to the parrothead meeting in pittsburgh. i went up my aunt loraines and we put her pool deck together and hung some things up for my gram. after that my aunt loraine and i ordered pizza for us. then kelly came up and we gave her some pizza. doug ate his, uncle only ate a little bit, and jeff ate the rest. i went home around 11:30. watched some tv; and went to sleep.

i woke up around 11:30 this morning, ate a bowl of coco puffs. mmmmm, they were good. talked to my mom. called my gram and told her that i'd be up when the guys up there were done paving my aunts drive way to help her plant some flowers and finish up her little deck she has.

haven't talked to jim in a few days. nothing new though.

i have a doctors apointment tomorrow. blah blah blah. nothing exciting anyways.. i'll update more about this tomorrow :-D

oh.. june 5 [this saturday] at the bar [the Sand Bar in Washington] is having a fundraiser for Cannonsburg Hospitals Emergency Room. I'll be selling raffles, and cookies or something like that. so everyone that reads this [my friends that live around me!] better tell their moms/dads ect. to come. :)

well i better go, i think i'm gonna go paint my aunts things i told her i'd paint.

:: 2004 1 June :: 12.57am

love is hell
he's changed i think... i don't know... something about him is different. i don't know... i can't explain it. he's not the same. he was amazing and now he is not the same. i just want my same old wonderful andrew back...

:: 2004 31 May :: 12.16am
:: Mood: tired

the 29th was a year 1/2 for jim and i.

happy memorial day. :-P

:: 2004 30 May :: 11.02pm

all the parties are over and the congratulations have all been said. it was nothing special... maybe something to take my mind off things... but it didn't work well. maybe i should have gone on friday night, or maybe i didn't for a reason... i don't even know. i don't even know anything as usual... except for that i miss andrew for some reason. i just miss talking to him and seeing him. again i'd give anything in the world for one more saturday night like then.

:: 2004 29 May :: 5.38pm

so i guess its strange. i couldn't wait for this, and now that its over, its really hasn't yet set in. i didn't think i would miss anyone, and i'm still not sure that i will... but things just seem different. things just seem so chaotic, and i'm not sure if things are right or wrong yet.

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
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:: 2004 27 May :: 10.06pm
:: Mood: bored

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results

Sociability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Assertiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Activity Level	\|\|\|\|\|\|	18%
Excitement-Seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Enthusiasm	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Extroversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	29%
Trust	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Morality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Altruism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Cooperation	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Modesty	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Sympathy	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Friendliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	40%
Confidence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	34%
Neatness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Dutifulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Achievement	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	22%
Self-Discipline	\|\|\|\|\|\|	18%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	37%
Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Volatility	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Depression	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	74%
Self-Consciousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	66%
Impulsiveness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Vulnerability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Emotional Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	29%
Imagination	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Artistic Interests	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	42%
Introspection	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	46%
Intellect	\|\|\|\|\|\|	18%
Liberalism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	58%
Openmindedness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	41%

:: 2004 26 May :: 8.42pm
:: Mood: crappy

didn't go to school today. i woke up at like 6:00, took pain meds and musta fell back asleep.. i woke up around 11.

:: 2004 25 May :: 11.25pm
:: Music: "everytime" - britney spears

i guess i need you baby....

what am i doing? i just don't even know. i mean... i wish things would just work out. because driving around i see him... and sometimes he waves... the cute wave he has always had, so long as i can remember. i miss that. i miss when he was by himself and we would pull over and talk for hours. i miss him so much... i can't even say how much. if i could have anything in this world i would want it to involve him.. i like him way too much. i never meant to get this close... but i just can't stop thinking about him. i know its pathetic... but he is just so amazing.

i miss him.... i miss him...

i wish i could just say to him... "andrew, i miss you!"...

:: 2004 25 May :: 12.08am

i still don't believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now...

please come back...

i miss you...

:: 2004 24 May :: 9.54pm

"�Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
�Cause I LOVE YOU, whether it�s wrong or right
And though I can�t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side..."

:: 2004 24 May :: 10.29am
:: Mood: listless

blah- stupid me being sick. stupid kidney infection ect..

george had gotten 2 blink 182 tickets for saturday. [the 22nd] and had asked if i wanted them. to bad i was in the hospital and could barely move.

i'm feeling a lot better now. especially this morning. i woke up, and can actually stand up straight without having a massive amout of pain.

..back to school tomorrow!

8 days left.

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:: 2004 23 May :: 10.58pm
:: Mood: sick, tired, in pain.. ect.

sorry i haven't updated much lately. a lot of things have been going on.

thursday i called my mom and told her that i had a bladder infection.

friday, i went to school.. but only to be sent home an hour later & 1/2 later because there wasn't any power. so my mom took me to the doctors, and they gave me meds for my bladder infection. and told me that if the pain in my right side was getting any worse to go to the ER. so about 7:30 that night i called my mom and told her that i couldn't even stand up.

i went to the hospital, they took tests/blood and everything. only to tell me about 70 thousand hours later that i was pregnant. okay. 21 weeks pregnant. from the ultrasound they did the lady said she thinks its a girl.. but cannonsburg hospital doesn't do OBGYN, so i had to be transfered to washington hospital. i rode in an ambulance to get there because i had an iv in my arm and its the law that i had to ride in an ambulance. the guy was really nice that rode with me. he told me to keep my head up, because i didn't have anything to be ashamed of.

when i got there it was already about mindnight. i was so tired. but i had to stay awake.. they asked me questions and everything. put a new iv in, and checked blood pressure/babys heart rate. the nurse that was in there for the night her name was Pat. she was so nice. i didn't get a full nights sleep the whole 2 days i stayed over, because they always came in to change my iv or check up on me.. blah, i slept during most of the day. i ended up having a kidney infection, but they said it was good i came in because it can cause a miscarrage.

i'm not allowed to go to school tomorrow. and i still have to get 3 perscriptions filled.. the place wasn't open on sundays.. which means no pain meds.. which means i'll be in pain.

everyones handling it well. even i am. i just can't wait until everyone reads this. it'll be around the school by tuesday.

i'm telling everyone now: just leave me alone and don't ask any questions.

:: 2004 23 May :: 4.39am

theress really nothing else to say... i messed up tonight... what was i thinking?/

i don't know...

why is nothing ever right?

i miss andrew so much still...

:: 2004 22 May :: 3.42am

party tonight. it was a good time. someone told me i was cute... it made me smile. but it just wasn't right.

i miss andrew...

:: 2004 21 May :: 12.28am

i miss andrew...

...times infinity...

... plus one.

:: 2004 20 May :: 7.20pm
:: Mood: blah

9 days of school left.