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girlxunnoticd
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2005 9 December :: 1.42am
things were really starting to look up for a day or two. why did i think he wanted more than a fling? he didn't want a g/f for as long as i've known him, why would that change suddenly now. it wouldn't. 1 day. i wish it would have lasted. but i know what he wants and its all he wants. its all my fault that things are so fucked up. he doesn't even want a damn xmas gift because he knows it doesn't mean a damn thing. he doesn't want to struggle to find something empty for me to cling to. i am so fucking stupid. how could i not see through this. well, this pretty much sums up how the year went. a lot of great expectations and a lot of huge let downs.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 7 December :: 1.15pm
wow, my relationship lasted only a day. i should have known better. i should have known that if he could break my heard without a relationship it would sure as hell be simple for him to break it in a relationship. so thats over. at least i was happy for a day.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 4 December :: 1.02am
i had a blast tonight at semiformal with paul. i was worried that it would be awkward, and while it was at first, i'm really glad i went. he's a really sweet guy. its too bad he'd never be interested in me. oh well. maybe someday i will find someone who is.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 2 December :: 11.07pm
i guess i just feel like this is an affair, even though there are no significant others that could get hurt. we could still get hurt. at least i know i could. it needs to end. i know this and i need to make it happen. i just don't know how. i should have never started it in the first place. i've tried every way to get him to show some affection and he won't. its just never going to happen for us. we aren't meant to be together and this affair is just prolonging the seperation we are going to have to eventually endure. i can't force something out of nothing. i can't make him feel something he doesn't. its not me he wants, its just sex without committment. and its just killing me. it has to be over. i have to end it. i have to get over him regardless of how bad it hurts.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 1 December :: 10.16pm
i have options. they may be expensive options but they are options. i could spend a summer in chicago interning or spend a month in london. so why don't i? because i am stupid. straight up stupid. i don't know why i continue to be stupid. but i do. every single day. i wish things were easy. i wish we were together and then things wouldn't seem so bad. then i would know if he cared or not. but things are never easy for me.
well, when you're down just remember this phrase: "homo sexual indian"
i could have died. i <3 u E.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 27 November :: 11.32pm
i just found out for real that being in love makes you stupid and blind. his best friend said he could have me if he wanted me. i've made a fool of myself. i don't know what is wrong with me. i wish i never would have met him. he's made my last 2 years a living hell. he never cared about me. he used me because he knew he could. and i let it happen because i was so fucking stupid i didn't see through his bull shit. i made mistake after mistake hoping that he would want me. and he's not ever going to want me and i've just made myself into an idiot. i wish i could take back everything, but i can't. i'm just going to have to move on knowing that i gave him everything he wanted and he never gavea damn about me. it hurts. i won't lie about that, because i really did love him. but i have to move on. i can't live my life as his whore hoping someday he'll change the way he feels. its not going to happen, and now at least i can attemp to save whatever amount of dignity and respect i can for myself. which i know isn't much, but its all i have right now. its probably all i'm ever going to have. i'm just sorry i ever loved him.
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xxinterrupted
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2005 27 November :: 9.33am
It's now official.
Comment to be added.
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xxinterrupted
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2005 26 November :: 12.09pm
:: Mood: depressed
i thought everything was going good, until last night.. and then everything got blown back up in my face.
nothings good enough for anyone, so leave me the fuck alone. everyones a fucking asshole to me anymore. i don't do anything right, and when i do do something right someone has to say something to me and make me feel like fucking shit about it.
i might as well just not have any friends or anything, it all comes back at me in my fucking face.. no matter what i do with who. it's always a problem.
STOP TXTING MY PHONE STUPID ASSHOLES. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE.. LET HIM DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WHENEVER HE WANTS WITH WHO EVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE, I REALLY DON'T SO STOP TELLING ME THINGS THAT JUST UPSET ME.
you don't even fucking know what goes on in my head anymore.
so fuck off, i'm so serious. don't call/text my phone anymore. i'm tired of this bullshit.. i'm not even going to talk or hang out with any of my friends anymore. maybe that'll make things better.
this is my last entry that's public.. this is MY journal. I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT ABOUT WHO I WANT. have a problem? don't read.
the rest of my journal entries will now be "Friends Only"
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 25 November :: 1.34am
a late night call and i wish i could help... but i'm afraid i'm just too fucked up to do anything to help anyone. all my good ideas just seem so stupid and worthless when i actually think about them. maybe that is my problem, maybe i think too much. or maybe i don't think at all. it will be 2 years the next time i come home. i've wasted 2 years hoping and praying that he would want me. but he doesn't, he just wants a cheap thrill. is it worth it? sometimes i think so. i just don't want to be alone. i'm happy when i'm with him and that is almost the only time. i wish he would understand. i can't live without him. its not even about the sex or a relationship, i just want to be near him. i wish i had the strength to tell him, but i am so terrified that he won't feel the same. i just don't know what to do. i thought maybe leaving could be the answer. but i don't want to go. i just want to stay entangled with him in that backseat forever where i feel nothing but his heart beat slowing down. i can't tell if he cares. i know he's scared, and i hope he feels something. i just don't know what he's thinking. but it feels like he cares when he wraps his arms around me. and i don't want that feeling to ever go away. i would give up everything i have in this entire world for time with him. he means everything to me and i don't know why. i love him. but i can't ever say that to him. i just have to pretend we are just friends.
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2005 23 November :: 5.28pm
:: Mood: disappointed
You're all I keep thinking of and I can't get you out of my head. No matter how hard I try it's just never gonna happen. And you know what's amazing to me, that I would do anything to be with you, and you don't see it at all. You just throw me away like I'm some freakin piece of garbage and I just keep running back to you.
Tell me what's wrong with this picture.
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xxinterrupted
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2005 23 November :: 10.01am
:: Mood: okay
it's a really good day today.
i'm in a great mood.
ben and i went to rochelles last night
[awwweee love you rochelle!!]
tonight hopefully ben rochelle and i are going to hang out.
depending on if i'm still 'fighting' with my aunt loraine.
and it depends on if it snows.
awwwe.. love you two!!
PICTURES:
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 22 November :: 10.33pm
i don't know what is wrong with me. i'm never going to make it..
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 22 November :: 2.21am
i'm thinking california might be far enough to forget him.
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2005 17 November :: 9.05pm
:: Mood: depressed
So now that I wrote about my drama with Jim today.. I figured I'd write about my days.
Yesterday.. [Wed.] Becky Amy and I got in trouble for the whole "Jumping into the trunk" thing. Becky and I got 1 day after school, and Amy got 20 days without her driving pass.. Mr. Telerico laughed about it, said it was funny blah blah blah. The funny thing is, is that the teacher wouldn't have even known if some LOUD MOUTH would have kept her f-ing mouth shut.
Today [Thursday] I presented my graduation project. I went in there, I was prepared.. then I went to put my video in and it wouldn't work. I cried in front of 7 teachers.. But I guess something was wrong with the VCR they used because someone elses didn't work either.. so I went back up like an hour later and showed them my video. I brought Gabby with me, and they were all like "awwww she's beautiful." Yeah, she is. I know. :)
I was just messing around and I took this quiz..
what a co-ink-i-dink::Read more..
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xxinterrupted
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2005 15 November :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: depressed
So Doctor Beck, Mono is the sickness that I have?
Damn.
School is dumb, I want it to be Christmas break..
I am depressed.. still.
Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let go,
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you
Here, here I am again
And I'm starin at these same four walls
Alone again
And now, all the colors blend
And I'm growing numb
And I've become this empty page
Hold on, its tragic
Stumbling through all this static
I just wanna talk to you
And my broken heart just has no use
And I guess promises are better left unsaid, yeah
Everytime you try to tell me
You say the words that I'm the only
But I'm the one who's crawling on the ground
When you say love makes the world go 'round
Oh, the things lovers do when it's over
Oh, the things lovers do when it's done
Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder
Wake up older
And try to move on
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xxinterrupted
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2005 15 November :: 9.47am
:: Mood: depressed
Now everytime I see you
I pretend I'm fine
When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best
And don't forget about
Late nights, Late nights, playing in the dark
and waking up inside my arms
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart and
I can see it in your eyes
You still want it
So don't forget about us
I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us
Oh they say
That you're in a new relationship
But we both know
Nothing comes close to
What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it
How good we used to get it
There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter what you go through
We are one, that's a fact
That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let
The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret
So don't forget about
I hate the way I feel.. I hate what I do to myself..
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xxinterrupted
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2005 14 November :: 5.15pm
:: Mood: depressed
So yesterday, [Sunday] Rochelle and I went to the mall/movies.
We saw SAW2.
Real good.
I went over Jims.
Jeff made me laugh.
"chilly willy" teehee
Stayed. [yayyyyyyyyyyy. I love being with him!]
Went to school.
And here I am.
What a glorious evening.
P.S.
Yes, Jim, I am jealous.
And you hold it over my head.
I hate it.
And I hate the way you talk to her on the phone.
I love you. I'll wait.
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 13 November :: 11.46pm
everything always goes wrong.
i don't know why i ever expect anything different...
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2005 11 November :: 8.09pm
:: Mood: sick
So Wednesday night I went to sleep pretty early because I was more tired than usual.. at about 11:00, my cell rang. It was Jim. We talked for about 2 hours. It was one of the best conversations we've had in a long time. We talked about us, what's going on.. and everything is okay between us. Yes, I do still have feelings for him, and he says he feels the same.. but we're just going to stay friends for a while to see how things go.
Thursday was okay, school was long and boring. I woke up late, and didn't get a shower.. LOTS OF DRAMA WITH THE BUMPER HITTING INCIDENT in the morning!! Haha, [[I was backing up and Rocco or w/e his name is pulled right out in back of me and I hit the left side of his bumper. His mom was in the car with him and everything.. no damage. But I just don't understand how he couldn't see that I was backing up.. I was almost in my spot.. so then I locked my keys in the truck.]] We had an activity period, so I was looking for my keys to put something on it, and I couldn't find them.. so I called Uncle Don and he said he couldn't find anyone to bring the spare key out.. so he told me just to ride the bus.. but no. I couldn't ride the bus home. Becky and I had to jump in the back of Amys TRUNK to get rides home. Hahhaha. So we rode down the drive way and Amy stopped at the stop sign, and popped the trunk. Becky and I got out quickly, and jumped in the car. HAHAHA. Good times!!
I went home and slept until 5:00 [I was starting to feel sick.] then I got a shower, and got ready for our 2006 Senior Party. Becky and I dressed up as The Flinstones. Real cute. I'll post pictures later.. I definitly had a lot of fun.. After I drove Becky home, parked at Amys, and Amy drove me down Jims to stay. I stayed had a good time, I love him a lot. What am I going to do?? Ahhh.. anyways, I left about 11:30, Amy came to pick me up I stayed at her house for a while, went to Becks to drop off my costume then I went home. I got home and felt like F-ing SHIT. I slept until about 3:00, then My Aunt Di and Don R came over to take Gram out to dinner.. I went to the doctors at 4:00.. I have strep and an ear infection in my left ear. I'm on Penicillin now for 7 days. Blahhhhh.. I have being sick.
I was supposed to go to the movies with Rochelle.. but I called her house 2 times today and once no one answered, and the second some lady answered and was rude.. uhhh, okay, sorry Rochelle. I tried to call..
k,love.
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xxinterrupted
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2005 8 November :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: gloomy
So Monday, (yesterday) Jim Gabby and I went to the mall. I had a good time, I hope Jim did too.. I bought a new purse.
Today Becky and I went to Kings.
Tomorrow we're going to get our costumes for Senior Night Thursday.
Pictures::
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 7 November :: 11.53pm
there are some nights when the conversation is forced and i know deep down inside of me that he won't ever love me. and it hurts like hell.
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2005 6 November :: 11.23am
:: Mood: depressed
So it has been an all around bad weekend. It started off at work Friday, though I really don't want to talk about it.. [friends only entry!]
So I tried to call Jim to see what he was doing, Jeff answered to phone. Our convo:
Jeff Hello?
me Hey, is Jim there?
Jeff Uhh, no he got kicked outta the house last night.
me What? Where did he go?
Jeff I don't know.
then we said bye or whatever.. and I haven't heard from Jim since. What a nice guy, huh? I'm sitting here worrying about him all weekend, and he probably doesn't even care. His mom keeps calling me to see if he called me to tell me where he is.. but I have to keep telling her no, because he really hasn't even called me.
Later that night Becky and I went to the football game at Ringgold. I ate like everything. The food looked soo good. We lost 7-48. We actually left early, so we didn't get to see us score a touch down.
Saturday I went to Gabrielle Brothers. I got some toys for Christmas for Gabrielle, and some shirts for myself. I spent $90.12.. good job on my part. I thought I was going to spend more. <3333
Saturday night Becky and I went to the mall.. for like 3 minutes. LMMFAO. Good times though.. we'll go again, maybe for longer this time.. and maybe I'll actually buy my purse!! We went to Burger King to see TUBBY!! [[Kristen.. love you!!]] Then I took her home, and I came home and went online for a while.
Today I'm just lounging around the house.. I'm gonna post some pictures of gabby today. Later Bridg and I are supposed to go to the movies.
kbye!
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xxinterrupted
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2005 4 November :: 12.47pm
:: Mood: crappy
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xxinterrupted
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2005 3 November :: 9.31pm
:: Mood: apathetic
Nothing new in the life of Jena lately. No new gossip to talk about, Gab is still sick, I am still depressed, and nothing dramatic happened between Jim and I happened.. I haven't even called him since Tuesday.. it's now Thursday.
Anyone elses life this dull?
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 3 November :: 12.01am
why is it always a disappointment? i need to get out of here. i need to get over him.
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2005 2 November :: 3.00pm
:: Mood: stressed
I skipped school yesterday and went to Jims.
We talked.
I don't think we'll get back together.
We're seriously just friends now.. I'm gonna try very hard.
I do still love him, but we he thinks were better off apart.
He told me that I was high maintnance..
I cried a lot. He said he didn't know why I wanted him back so much.
He saw my leg.
We'll try this for a while. See how things go.
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xxinterrupted
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2005 31 October :: 11.58am
:: Mood: depressed
Jim called last night.
I answered.
He talked, I cried.
Things are worse than before.
He got mad because I wanted to bring Gab over for tricker treating.. he wanted to be with his friends.
I did something dumb last night.
[[I won't ever tell.]]
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girlxunnoticd
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2005 30 October :: 9.04pm
i feel like my life is an episode of sex and the city. its full of drama constantly. but i just don't see it ending quite as happily. i'm struggling with school trying to figure out what to do with my life. struggling with a boy who probably doesn't have any feelings for me at all. we act like teenagers, talking one minute and not the next. i don't know what i feel at this point, and i wish i did. it would make things a lot easier. all i know for sure is i want him as a friend at least. he's difficult and i can't decide if i'm turned on by the challenge or turned off by the effort i have to put forth. he won't let me in but he won't push me away. i've never been so confused. i just can't wait around, but i just can't help thinking in the back of my mind that he is the one. but one of these days i'm going to get the strength to tell him its now or never, and if its never, to actually say goodbye.
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2005 30 October :: 12.26pm
:: Mood: sad
So Friday around 3:30 I called Jim to see if he wanted Gabby and I to come over.. he said "Sure, call me back at 5:00 because I'm doing something right now." [I knew what he was doing, so I understood] So I called him back and called him back and didn't get ahold of him until like 6:30 by then Gabby was sleeping and he was like "Oh, I'm sorry Jeff said he was gonna stay down here cause he was waiting for a phone call." Okay, whatever. I understood. So then I asked him since Gabby was sleeping if he wanted to go to the movies with me. He said "yeah sure. Call me back at 6:00." So I called him back, he told me to call him back again [because he wanted to make sure his mom wasn't coming home that night.], so I called him back again at 7:30.. no answer. I called him again at 7:45, no answer.. I kept calling until 8:05.. no answer. So I called one last time at 9:00. No answer.
I'm done. I'm putting in my resignation as his friend, and as his wanna-be-girlfriend.
I haven't and won't call him. If he calls me, I'm not answering.
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xxinterrupted
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2005 29 October :: 3.10pm
:: Mood: depressed
Personality Test
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4
3.2
6.6
4.7
1.4