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girlxunnoticd
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2003 8 August :: 5.30pm
one thing i hate more than most other things is when people complain about MY jounal with lame and cowardly annonymous comments.
if you don't like my font, or can't read it, and would like to, you could ask me nicely to change it, or suggest that i change it. but, if your going to be rude about it... then fuck off.
anyway... in other news. i went on a small trip to dekalb, bloomington, and champaign to check out schools.
i like northern and u of i... especially u of i, which i thought was odd. i never thought i'd like a state school. especially one so far away from everything... well except for the 35000 students who attend. anyway... i guess that is really all that has happened. leslie leaves in 9 days. laura in 6. and jayme is only going to st. louis, but i believe she leaves in 16. its going to be different. lonely. dare i say boring. but you never know. maybe i'll find some friends.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 2 August :: 4.43am
tonight was pretty good. actually really good. okay. here's who was involved. me, darren, dustin h, dustin s, jason, roger, jayme, cal, shane, and aj. we went to the midnight madness street races at gateway racetrack. darren ran his car. his best time was 17.5. not too bad for a stock avenger with a system. it was so much fun. next time i am so running my eclipse. it will be slow, but fun as hell. whoo, but i'm tired now... so i'll be seeing ya.
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2003 31 July :: 7.00pm
:: Mood: cranky
:: Music: chevelle - don't fake this
leaving tomorrow morning
i'm just sittin here.. i got off the fone with my baby jim. i'm sittin here starin at a picture of us that's sitting by my computer and talking to casey.. i'm hoping jim gets her really soon so i can just break down and cry on his shoulder. :)
i guess were leaving tomorrow early in the morning for bethany beach. (in delaware) we'll be back either the 9th or 10th.. (which is next saturday or sunday) thats a whole week. i'm so glad that jim's coming with me.. other wise i don't think that i'd even go. i hate the beach. i'm not a very 'beachy' kinda person. i'm more of a 'sit in the shade and read a book/listen to music' kinda person. but hey, what can ya do? hopefully jim won't make me go into the ocean to much.. i don't wanna get tan or anything. >.< we get the "den" which is cool, cause it's the only room downstairs. :-D besides the kitchen and the living room/dining room. so yay.
earlier today my mom my sisters and i went and got our hair cut.. i just got layers, it's a little bit shorter.. it's not really what i wanted, but fuck it. who cares? i can't believe myself because i almost started crying after sam got her hair done. it looked/s really cute.. and i just kept thinking to myself "why can't my hair look like thaT???" and i actually started tearing up.. i am seriously pathetic. getting jealous of my own little sisters hair? wtf, i'm dumb. but then again, everyone knows that.
i'll write when i get back.. i bet that'll be a long entry. ha.
-x|x- me
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 31 July :: 12.22am
part of me is so disgusted with trying to impress people, but part of me longs with every fiber of my being to be loved and accepted. part of me knows exactly what... or should i say who, i want, and part of me wants to go find someone that i really connect with. so i'm torn between the never and the now. i wanna run so far away from here... but every time i see a red car, i start to turn around. every little thing i do makes me think of him, or someone that i've met. so i don't know what to do. maybe stop worrying, a swell first step.
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2003 30 July :: 11.18pm
:: Mood: sad
can't handle shit anymore
it just really hit me today, that i can't handle as much shit as i used to.. i mean, i almost started crying when my mom yelled at me.. (for "looking" at underware.) she was like 'whats your obession with underware? i saw you looking at them like 3 times." meanwhile, i wasn't even looking at them.. i just walked through them because it was the only way to get outta the one isle i was in. all the other ways were blocked by people.. i mean, jesus. she had no right to yell at me.. i didn't do anything. i had to stop myself from crying til i got home.. then i just went in my room.. blah, i don't wanna talk about it.
jim and i got into a fight again this morning.. well, it wasn't even really a fight.. i just sorta hung up on him because i got mad. i don't know what's wrong with me anymore, i just get mad all the time, for the stupidest little things. i'm so pathetic. i don't know why he's still with me.. he can do so much better than me..
i guess were goin to the beach on thursday night/friday morning (we don't know which one yet) i don't even want to go. i'm miserable anymore. i should be happy, i love jim with all my heart, i really do.. but i just can't be happy. but i guess i'll just make the best of it, and try to have fun or whatever..
i have to get myself back together, i'm practicly falling apart.. :(
"She was a fake. It wasn't easy to admit, but that's what she was. She pretended to be strong, even when her guts shook and her palms grew clammy. She led people to think she really didn't need anybody in her life, even though her soul cried out for it at times. She pretended nothing bothered her, and if it did, she played games with her head."
-x|x- not all here
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xxinterrupted
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2003 29 July :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: pissed off
:: Music: korn - i did my time
i hate younger people
if i had the chance to kill everyone in the grade down from mine, i'd do it in a second. i don't think that even 5 of them have any sence what so ever! they're stupid! jesus christ.. they all should just drop off of the face of the earth and eat shit.
I ESPECIALLY HATE WHEN PEOPLE DO SOME STUPID SHIT FOR ATTENTION!!! i swear to god, people that just "cut" for attention, give people that cut a bad fuckin reputation. it pisses me the fuck off. i mean, i don't ever talk about cutting.. ever, to anyone.. and it just pisses me off when people sit there and practicly SHOW THEY'RE "CUTS" OFF. get a fuckin life you stupid fucks!
jesus christ, you need to learn to be yourself, because there are a lot more people in this world with a lot more problems.
everyone just needs to stop doing things because you think it's "cool".. most likely what you're doing is pretty fuckin stupid.
-x|x- fuck off.
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xxinterrupted
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2003 29 July :: 1.19am
:: Mood: drained
jim
8 months today baby.. i love you so much. i hope know we'll be together for the rest of our lives, and i mean that with all my heart.
you're my whole life baby.. you're the light in my darkness.. and if you weren't here, all i'd have is mr. bang.. and he just doesn't fill that spot in my heart like you do.
jim+jena
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 27 July :: 5.57pm
last night was incredibly stupid on my part. i suppose i will elaborate. first, leslie and i drove to staunton to see if anyone was around. well everyone's cars were at cory's so obviously there was a gathering of some sort. so then leslie was pissed because she wasn't invited. i could personally give less than two shits about those people because they are all skanks. so she decides to play this devilish prank on them. we leave town and don't come back until 1:30 in the morning. we drove around aimlessly in the country trying not to be seen for like 5 and a half hours. we almost got busted at the rock pile. we almost hit deer 3 different times. it was absolutely nuts. so heres the story. we were at a party in florissant.. a huge party. we both got drunk respectively... and ended up making out with random guys. now she wants me to light up in front of them. this is entirely ruining any slim chance i had with my crush just in an effort to make her look cool in her last 2 or 3 weeks before she leaves for columbia. i wish for once she could think of someone other than herself.
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2003 26 July :: 10.18pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: some rap SHIT
i woke up at like 10, and amy, her mom, sister and i went down the to the firehall to start doin shit for amys grams *suprise* birthday party.. but first we went to a couple different stores to get some other things that we needed (like balloons, and table covering and some other things) so we got those things and we went back to the firehall.. amy and i worked on covering the tables with the table covering stuff.. and we had to get all the same kinda chairs.. which doesn't seem like a big job, but it fuckin is god damnnit!! after a while we got tired of doin that, soo we started cuttin up the fruit for the fruit salad.. there is so much food for tomorrow. lol amy allison and i had a grape fight. it was fun.. lmao, i got hit right between the eyes!! (god damn you amy!! hahaha!!) later when we finally finished covering the tables, there was a little bit left over, and i was messin around, and made a cape for myself outta it.. oh man, it was great shit. haha.. we finally got finished with everything around 4:00.
we came home and helped amys gram wrap some baby shower presents.. lmao, SHE HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH THE SCISSORS ACCIDENTLY.. haha anyways, later we went to wal*mart and giant eagle.. (giant bird.. haha amy) and we got the rest of the things that we needed for tomorrow.. so we came home, and made pretzel salad, and jim came down for a while.. then amy and i ordered a stromboli from kuzins, and then here we are..
jim's outside waiting for me to get done writing in here..
i'm exhausted.. ahh jesus.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 26 July :: 12.16pm
thursday night i had an incredible dream. it was me, my friend leslie, and my favorite person... we were in my car, but the front seat was like a truck, so we were all 3 in front. i let leslie drive and she completely totalled my car. and i was screaming at her, but throughout the whole dream he and i were holding hands and he had his arm around me the whole time. it was the best dream i've ever had.
last night i didn't get home from the baseball game until 11. i pulled out of my driveway and who else is coming down the road right by my house? its him. oh i could've died. just seeing him makes my day 1000000X better plus some.
today i was supposed to go to the fast and furious races at gateway, but now i'm not because it turned into a couples thing and i didn't have a date. eh, stupid couples.
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2003 25 July :: 11.40pm
:: Mood: mad
fuck this.
i'm at amys.. i'm stayin til monday sometime, then jim and i are probably going to go back to my house if he wants to.. whatever, i don't really know yet.. today we woke up around 10, and then we went to washington to get amys moms check cashed.. and then we came back to bentlyville, and stopped at burger king.. -sighs- so i got a double cheese burger with fries and a coke. i only ate half of the burger, and only about 10 fries, and some coke.. when we got home, i got a shower and then we called randi, and walked around until about 5.. then randi went home, and amy and i waited for her mom to get home so we could go to wal*mart, and go out to eat.. we went to dennys, and i got a piece of french toast a dippy egg, and some of those home-fry things? i forget what they're called.. i tried to eat it all.. but i didn't.
i've been really annoyed lately with just everyone.. i don't know why anymore. i just can't take peoples shit as much as i could anymore. it just fuckin pisses me off.. i swear i'm gonna fuckin blow soon.
7 days to the beach.
xx.jena
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xxinterrupted
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2003 24 July :: 1.01am
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: staind - so far away
life.. who cares anymore?
Personality Disorder Test
xx.jena
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xxinterrupted
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2003 23 July :: 2.28am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: die trying - oxgyens gone
just a survey
Part One: Personal Information
1. NAME: jena
2. SEX: female
3. BIRTHDAY: 2-22-87
4. WHERE DO YOU LIVE: pennsylvania
5. HEIGHT: 5'9 i think.
6. SHOE SIZE : 10 1/2
7. FIRST CRUSH: i don't even remember
8. PARENTS: darlene and jim
9. RIGHTY OR LEFTY: righty
10. WHATS YOUR SIGN: aquarius
11. WHATS THE FIRST IMPRESSION OF YOU: quite, nice, easy to make smile.. lol
12. EVER BEEN IN LOVE: yeah.. i am right now.. jim<3
13. PUPPY LOVE: yeah, i guess.
14. HAVE A TATTOO: no, but i want one.
Part Two: How do you like your men?
1. BOXERS OR BREIFS: both are sexy. o_0
2. LONG OR SHORT: what the hells that supposed to mean!? lol
3. DARK OR BLONDE: both are cute
4. TALL OR SHORT: tallllll
5. 6 PAC OR MUSCLAR ARMS: -shrugs-
6. MR. SENSITVE OR MR. FUNNY: a bit of both (just like jim. he's perfect)
7. GOOD GUY OR BAD GUY: bad guy
8. DARK OR LIGHT EYES: light eyes
9. HAT OR NO HAT: hat
10. EARS PEIRCED OR NOT: doesnt matter
11. FRECKLES OR NONE: none, but a couple are definitly cute
12. STUBBLE OR NEATLY SHAVED: neatly shaved!!!! ahh!! lol
13. RUGGED OR SPORTY: rugged
14. ACCENT OR AMERICAN: american
Part Three: Foods
1. CHOCOLATE MILK OR HOT CHOCOLTE: hot chocolate
2. MCDONALDS OR BURGER KING: burger king
3. COKE OR PEPSI: pepsi
4. ROOT BEER OR DR. PEPPER: dr. pepper
5. TEA OR COFFEE: tea
6. MILK/DARK/WHITE CHOCALATE: milk chocolate
7. VANILLA OR CHOCALATE: vanilla
8. CAKE OR PIE: depends on what kind.
Part Four: Pick one
1. MARRY PERFECT FRIEND OR PERFECT LOVER: perfect lover.. friendship is part of love
2. CATS OR DOGS: dogs
3. 1 PILLOW OR 2 : two
4. W/ OR W/O ICE CUBES: water with ice, but nothing else.
5. TOP OR BOTTOM : top!!
6. WINTER/SPRING/SUMMER/FALL: fall/winter
7. SKIING OR BOARDING: i've never done either
8. BIKING OR BLADING: um, i don't like outdoor things.. lol
9. ROCK/RAP/R&B/PUNK/ALT/SKA/TECHNO/SWING/COUNTRY: rock, punk
10. NIGHT OR DAY: night
11. GLOVES OR MITTENS: gloves
12. DRESSED OR UNDRESSED: dressed
13. BUNK OR WATER BED: water bed. ^-^
14. MAKE PLANS OR GO ALONG: go along
15. TRUTH OR DARE: truth
16. MTV OR VH1: mtv
17. OCEAN OR POOL: neither, i don't like to swim.
18. SHOWERS OR BATHS: mmm shower
19. LOVE OR LUST: love
20. SILVER OR GOLD: silver
21. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS: diamonds
22. PENCIL OR PEN: pen
23. SUNRISE OR SUNSETS: sunrise
24. BLIND OR DEAF: blind, i gotta have music!
Part Five: Favorites
1. COLOR: green, black
2. NUMBER: 18
3. SUBJECT: ..nothing
4. CLOTHING BRAND: black stuff. lol
5. SHOE BRAND: doesn't really matter.
6. SPORT TO PLAY: nothing are you kidding me?! hahaha.. me.. play a sport?! lmao
7. DRINK: alcoholic-- mikes hard lemonade and smirnoff.. and non-alcoholic-- orange juice, water
8. ANIMAL: dogs
9. HOLIDAY: valentines day, and halloween
10. FAVORITE LINE FROM A MOVIE: "i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." - notting hill
11. BAND: have more than just one--- incubus, staind, fingereleven, our lady peace, eve 6, the used, nothingface, smile empty soul, linkin park, mxpx, kittie
12. MOVIE: moulin rouge - shakespear in love - girl, interrupted
13. PLACE 2 CHILL: don't really matter.
14. FLOWER: hmm.. white roses
15. PERFUME: i don't really know..?
Part Six: Future
1. HOW MANY KIDS: 2 or 3
2. COLLEGE: no
3. JOB: dunno yet.
4a. WHAT DOES YOUR IDEAL B/F OR G/F LOOK LIKE: jim.
4b. HOW DO THEY ACT: just like jim does. he's my baby forever and ever.
Part Seven: Would you could you? if so; who, what, where, why, how?
1. Move anywhere: maine with my baby jim
2. Dye your hair: i do it all the time.. different colors.. whatever i feel like.
3. Meet one famous person: don't care.
4. Live with one person the rest of your life: jim
5. Name one thing you love: jim.. he's my everything.
6. Name one thing that embarrasaes you: myself.
7. Do you like school? fuck no.
8. Do you like to talk on the telephone? only with certain people.
9a. Do you have your own line? no
9b. Can we have your number? no
10. Do you like to dance? lol sorta.
11. Are you scared to ask some one out? i have jim, i don't need to ask anyone out.
12. Have you ever gone skinny dipping? lol, yes! plenty of times!
13. Have you ever thought you were gonna die? yeah, but mostly i just wish i would.
14. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? just one.. his name is mr. bang, oh, lol and jim.
15. Have you ever broken/fractured a bone? yeah, a couple actually.
16. Do you have any piercings? yeah, bellybutton, and ears
17. Do you wear braces? no, used to though
18. Do you consider yourself a good listener? yeah.. 98% of the time.
19. Can you swim? uh-huh. don't really like to though.
20. Do you sing in the shower? not anymore.
21. Do you think cheerleading is a sport? fuck no. fuck cheerleaders.
22. Have you ever stolen anything? yeah all the time.
23. What's on your ceiling? my lights..
24. What's you worst injury ever? i have a couple.. once when i was skating on ice with kelly and i fell and had to get stiches on my chin, and secondly when i spraned my neck!! lol
25. What's the hardest thing about growing up? being jealous, getting hurt by the people that you love -or used to love.
26. Do you believe in love at first sight? yeah, i do.
27. Have you ever been in love? yeah.. i am right now.
28. What are you wearing right now? my tank top that says "i have issues" and my joe boxers.
29. Favorite place to be? anywhere with my baby jim.
xx.jena
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 22 July :: 11.26pm
this isn't turning out good. now that jason and nicole are "dating" no one is ever up town. there is nothing to do anymore. cops swarm everything... there have been so many fights and stupid shit lately. i'm so tired of it all and ready to move on to college. at least there will be new people to be sick of. i am so tired... i'm just going to take a shower, take my pills, and sleep...
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2003 22 July :: 10.16pm
:: Mood: spunky
:: Music: less than jake - shes gonna break soon
o0o0o
-sings- "with so many problems in her life, it really comes as no suprise.. she's gonna break soon, she's gonna break soon, she's gonna break.. "
xx.jena
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 21 July :: 11.24pm
so i'm searching for the answers on message board relationship forums... i'm not getting anywhere and i'm losing myself deeper and deeper in pages of "for dummies" books trying to figure out where i went wrong. but i can't find it, its not written in pages, its just something i came up with. something i thought made sense at the time. but it didn't... i mean it doesn't. i mean it probably never did. i'm so sick of worrying about everything. i just want to be fearless and strong and independent... not like i am.. needing someone at every waking moment and not having someone and then falling... and sinking... and not feeling. i was so close to grabbing that knife off the bedside table last night. it would've been sharp enough. but no, i stopped myself because he wouldn't approve. what would he say if i lived to see him and he saw the scars? he would hate me more. so i let the thoughts pass and swallowed hard pushing away all my thoughts of escaping... because i knew deep down it was a lie and would get me nowhere. thats all. thats all i can say.
<3 always.. to everyone, and no one.
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2003 20 July :: 6.16pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: godsmack - serenity
i took a couple 'tests'.. here are the results.
Mood Analysis Test
Results for Test Taken Sunday, July 20, 2003
"You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.
Loneliness is soul destroying and at this time you feel lost and lonely, perhaps it is because you feel so frustrated that you are prepared to go out of your way to become emotionally involved with someone who could accept you for what you are. You are egocentric, antagonistic and quick to take offense, although it must be said, you can control your pent-up up emotion and thus avoid open conflict.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
The need for admiration and to be regarded as 'someone special' is perhaps one of the foremost aims in your life at this time. You would like to perhaps do something outrageous or anything that will give you the chance to be recognized as someone special. This desire has now almost become an obsession and in your own way you are trying to fulfill this 'complex' by ensuring you are the center of attention, both at work or play, or in the home. Stop trying so hard and you will find that people will like you for who you are - not for who you are pretending to be."
Are You Happy?
"Seems as though you're feeling down and out lately - but don't despair! Maybe it's time for a change... you, and only you, hold the key to your happiness. Try adopting a positive outlook on life and you'll be smiling in no time!"
xx.jena
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 20 July :: 4.17am
i am beyond angry right now. so tonight. first, i leave at about dusk to go uptown. everyone is congregating and decides to go out to thomas's house to shoot off some bottle rockets. so we drink some beer, shoot some fireworks, all is well. then leslie calls. she'll be ready soon. so i go pick her up and we cruise around for a while. we decide not to drink any because we're having a pretty good night. at about 12:30 we see cory and his brother shannon. they want to go drinking. so we go. it takes us until 1:30 to find a spot to drink. next thing i know its 3:00 and leslie is still in the weeds with cory. shannon wants to take me out in 2 weeks. i don't want him to... i really don't. he's 21 or 22, i'm not sure... and he's not cute, and not shy, and nothing like the ideal guy i pictured. where is my savior? i need him now. i don't know what i'm going to do. just drop off the face of the planet i suppose would be the easiest. so now she'll be lucky if i ever hang out with her again. she's making this shit a weekly reoccurance. and it makes me want to scream.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 19 July :: 6.53pm
who the hell did i think i was?
so its saturday afternoon. i shopped on ebay all afternoon, losing a swiss army watch, but winning an infinity stereo and amp for my car. i'm excited about that. i'm listening to "Sympathy" by the goo goo dolls and waiting for leslie to get home from playing softball in manchester maybe. i'm not exactly sure. i don't know what we are going to do tonight either. she'll probably want to get drunk again. and i don't really mind i guess. one of these days we will get caught, but... i don't really care right now. last night could have been better than it was, but it wasn't utterly terrible. i've now decided (once again) to forget about certain boys that i might happen to adore, and focus on being myself and finding someone who likes me for me, not for what i can change myself to be. so thats that. i am ready. bring on the rain. so now its on to eating pizza, jerkey, jalapeno potato chips, and drinking code red mt. dew. my favorite meal as of late.
<3 to everyone who reads this always.
and <3 to all those who don't.
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2003 19 July :: 4.29pm
:: Mood: upset and pissed
:: Music: our lady peace - story about a girl
stupid assholes
i can't fuckin take this shit anymore. i'm so fuckin serious. i haven't ever been this pissed off in my whole god forsaken life. (well, maybe i have.. but i am really pissed the fuck off right now!) just everyone pisses me off anymore. i swear, i am going to shoot someone, if not myself first. fuck this anymore. why the fuck should i care?
i woke up this morning, and kelly went home, rochelle went on the computer.. so i went out in the living room to watch TV. i called my dog zeus up on the couch with me and then Dustin (my brother) all came in and started yelling and shit at me for letting zeus up on the couch.. FIRST OF ALL. HE IS ALLOWED ON THE COUCH. so i fuckin told him that, and he was like "maybe when you get your own place, you'll respect your things, but until then, you listen to me." so i was like "you don't freakin own THIS couch, so why do you care?" then he said somethin else about how i was gettin to sassy or something, i was like "yeah, well your not my dad, so stop acting like you are!" then he came up in my face like he was going to hit me and shit, (i'm really not good at confronting anyone, i get nervous, and.. i most of the time almost start to cry.. so i was starting to shake and stuff..) and he kept sayin things, so i said things back.. and i told him to go home where he belongs.. and he said something else, and just left.. so i was like at the breaking point, and i tried not to cry, and i just sat there, staring at the tv.. a little bit later my mom came over and asked me what happened, and didn't say anything (i was still trying not to answer) and she whispered to me, "dustins moving back in with us for two months." and that was it, i just got up real fast without saying anything and just went in the bathroom for like 5 minutes, trying not to cry.
I CANNOT STAND HIM. LET ALONE LIVE WITH HIM ANYMORE. i swear to god i'd rather freakin kill myself than live with him for one more day.. you just don't even understand.. it's that bad.
xx.jena
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 17 July :: 11.21pm
today was slow... long. i woke up and got dressed much to my dismay. i drove to staunton to deposit my paycheck, and i saw his car where he works. oh well, it happens. i continue down the road and prepare to make the turn. there's jordan's work.. so i suppose he is on my mind also. oh well. i go to the bank and take the back roads home by the school. my mom decides she would like to take me shopping. so we go. nothing special. on the way back, traffic was hell. driving up 4th street was hell. the arch was on fire. terrorism? no. a transformer blew. so it took about a half an hour to get down 4th street. the eades (sp?) bridge is now open to traffic. kinda odd, but its a beautiful view of the muddy mississippi. how i love this city. which is why it is now my picture above. how cool am i? so then i cleaned my car. it needed it, so now it is shiny inside. tomorrow i will do the exterior. then i went for a walk around town with leslie. then we went for a drive, but of course we would not see anyone.. they are at wild country.. having fun. so i drop her off at her house and she teases me about my newfound (newfound to her at least) crushes. then i go back uptown and grab a mountain dew and stop to talk to fro, lacy and thomas. however my sibling is there, so i quickly say my goodbyes as lacy drives to bp to grab a jar of pickles. now i'm sitting here. i need to get in the shower, and i have to work tomorrow. so i guess i'll be back later on. rock it. <3 always.
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xxinterrupted
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2003 17 July :: 6.13pm
:: Mood: sad
:: Music: no doubt - don't speak
things are different..?
i'm just sitting here.. jim and i were supposed to go to a Pirates game with my mom, but i didn't feel good.. so we stayed home, which i feel really seriously so bad about because my mom had already bought us our tickets and everything.. god, i'm so stupid..
jim's getting ready to go home for the day.. he said he's going to come back either tomorrow or the next day, so i'll be sitting here waiting for him to come back and stay with me.. -sigh-
i guess maybe rochelle is comin over tomorrow.. i have to call her when i wake up. thats cool though, i haven't seen her in a long time and it'll be a good thing. see some of my friends.. yeah.. something like that..
things have been different lately.. i haven't been myself i guess? i don't know.. maybe, i just feel different, i don't feel as 'lively' as i usually do.. and no, it's not "that time of the month" but i don't know, i've been doin some stupid things lately.. but who cares, right?
i have recently been told by someone [[not giving out anyones name, wouldn't want anyone to get mad..]] "you don't have hardly any problems, and a lot more people have been through a lot more things, and been a lot more places than you, so when you say that you want to kill yourself, you think it's the only way out.. and look at me, i've lived my whole life in hell." or around the lines of something like that.. there was more, but i don't feel like writing it. that persons right, i don't know what my problem is. what was i thinking?
xx.jena
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 17 July :: 2.09am
i've that overwhelming feeling again... that nothing is ever going to go right... and sometimes.. i don't even feel like fighting for it anymore.. for freedom, for truth, for love... it all seems irrelevent and a huge waste of time and effort.
i'm talking to his best friend on msn right now... how easy would it be to just casually drop a hint that i cannot go another day without seeing him...
everything i said when i was drunk was true.
i guess its too bad nobody knows about that.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 16 July :: 12.50am
i want so badly to be wanted... extreme... ummm... situations? call for extreme measures... i guess i'll se how far i will go.. because i just don't know...
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 15 July :: 12.48am
so she knows, and she won't let me forget it. when i was tanked.. lol.. i just let it all out. i told her everything about my crushes and infatuations and depression. so i'm pretty much fucked, but i was drunk right? no, i wasn't as she thought... it was all an act. a way to say what i needed to say with an excuse as to why i said it. but still, its branded on me. that i love him. and now, its so bad. i'm unfortunately crushing on my newfound friend... eh, jordan. i know he's bad. skank. eh. but.. hes so nice to me. i'm weak. but still he doesn't come close to comparing. ahhh, kill me now.
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xxinterrupted
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2003 13 July :: 2.59pm
:: Mood: bitchy
:: Music: the all-american rejects - swing swing
bad night last night..
this weekend, has been pretty much shitty. >.< well lets see.. i pretty much forget what happened all weekend, but lets see what i can remember.. lol
friday (i'd say that this was the best day of the weekend.) let's see.. i think this was the day of davids birthday party, but i couldn't go because my brother was having his party at the cokeburg moose. so kelly jim and i all walked up to the moose, and we stayed for a while and what-not.. we left walked around, went down jims house.. hung out there ;) then went up to amys, got her and went back up to the moose.. we ate and everything played some cards (LOL yesssssss.. we were bored.) jim got mad at me and left.. lol as always. but kelly amy and i walked out and i found him, and we made up.. sooo we left again, and just basicly walked around the rest of the night.. then amy went home, and kelly jim and i went back down jims house and just chilled for a while, til my mom came and got kelly and i. (jim stayed him.)
saturday well.. i don't really remember what happened that day.. OH YEAH.. i went to wal*mart with kelly.. and bought ELMERS GLUE FOR 20 CENTS!!!!!!! omg! i was having such an awsome day!! ELMERS GLUE FOR 20 CENTS!! HELL YES!! hahahaha. elmers glue is the shit. omg i love it. and i bought a pack of 3 glue sticks for 88 cents!!! i was like 'hell yes!' w00t. it's greatness.. i bought hair dye to.. finally. then i got home and kelly left to go babysit.. and it just all went downhill from there on.. i just don't even want to talk about it.. (i love you jim. thanks for being there.. i'm sorry baby.. i really didn't mean to..)
today i dunno.. i just woke up around 2.. i was on the fone with rochelle, then i called jim.. and here i am.. jim should be coming back over sometime later today, he's going fishing with ronnie. lol. he's so cute.
p.s. thanks for being there for me last night kelly- cool beans. lol 8-)
xx.jena
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 13 July :: 2.55pm
yes, something is severly wrong with me. i know. i don't know why i was so depressed last night. i suppose alcohol affects people differently, and my effect is bad. i remember it semi-clearly, but tonight i will let leslie tell me her side of my story. maybe i got through to her, or maybe i just made a big ass of myself. either way, today i'm not feeling quite well. i'm just severly bored and that depression is returning. i don't know why. i just cannot wait until this school year is over. i won't have to be labeled as a high school kid anymore. well, i guess its shower time, followed by car cleaning and then preparing to go out for a small amount of time tonight. <3 always.
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 13 July :: 2.49am
tonight, i broke trust with my parents. they told me to be home at 1, but now as i am typing this very slowly because i am more drunk than i think i have ever been, and i realize that i have done so many things wrong. the screen is a blur. i just want to die. i hate myself for the fact that i am in love with someone who doesn't love me in return. and no its not jordan. i don't love jordan. no matter how nice and cute he is.. i do not love him. oh... i'm going to pass out. i'll continue this tomorrow. <3 alwaysz
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girlxunnoticd
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2003 12 July :: 11.32am
last night was pretty regular for the most part. i drove around staunton and then ended up talking to leslie's brother for about an hour. it was lame. then i was about ready to call it a night, mike, drake, and jordan were sitting on the side of the road yelling at me. so i figure, what the hell, and i pull over to talk to them. they were really nice to me surprisingly. i'm glad i got brave and talked to them. thats about all that happened. now i have to plan my trip to dekalb and champaign. <3 always.
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