In the beginning
I decided to start yet another Journal, this one hopefully being the last. The previous journal...well it chopped and changed a lot, plus it caused discomfort and upset for Charn and probably would have done the same for Lauren due to the entries about Chantelle when I was up there. I was all up and down in both relationships...so hopefully this will be more stable.

So...where am I now? I live back in Bairnsdale, no longer in Queensland, though I may be visiting there this month if Matt decides he wishes for a road trip. Lauren is somewhat fearful of this and also of Charns intentions to visit. Ive reassured her many times there is no cause for this. She still worries though. But I will address more on Lauren in a second.

I am reattending year 12 due to my idiotic decision not to complete year 12, so now I must repeat, though for this I am somewhat thankful because I had put no effort into my final year which was stupid on my behalf, as so many people have told me. Thankyou for the continued updates of my absence of intelligence by the way, to my family, and some of my friends.

I am being forced into looking for a job, the government is choosing to ignore the fact that Im going to be reattending school and wants me to become a full time worker. *rolls eyes* Their intelligence, amazing eh? And these are those whom run our country...

Other than that...little else has been happening.

Apart from one rather wonderful thing.

Lauren. Now those of you whom have read my journal in previous times would have seen the numerous complaints and "bitchings" about our relationship. What you may/may not have known is that I was also a large part in the occurences of these said events. This I came to realise upon returning from Queensland....that event really helped clear my head and made me a better person/partner. Admittedly though, I am still quite retarded when it comes to girlfriends, though I am trying to fix this, but I have had my doubts over a continued relationship with Lauren because of this personality that I seem to hold.

But she...well she has definitley changed for the better. She tells me she loves me, I dont think a day has gone by where we havent said it to each other, which I cherish. She is so much more affectionate, she tries to see me, she misses me when Im gone, she tells me how much she cares, she sends sweet messages.

Things have been going well.
Admittedly and albeit....some things not so well. Her lack of desire to commit in future...the seemingly halted feelings sometimes. And other times a really cold, unemotional manner.

But and its a large but....these are overtly balanced and most of the time largely over sized by how wonderful she has been lately. I cant say that anymore....it has nearly been 2 months....will be in 10 days actually. So....Heres hoping to a longer term as well.

Yesterday I was also in Sale with her and her sister. She had some shopping to do...lots...and lots....and lots of shopping. As much as I acted like it really bothered me....it was so cute to see her trying all that stuff on and being indecisive *whisper* But we cannot let the female species know that one of the other sex actually doesnt mind shopping can we? So for now I believe Ill have to act like I didnt really enjoy it but just enough to come with her next time. I kept the train tickets though, mine and hers were joined together...Was kind of metaphorically important for me.

She is also going away either tommorow or next Thursday...which Im insanely worried about due to events that occured last time she was there...but I suppose as long as she doesnt give her number to anyone and doesnt go off alone...she'll be okay...Heres hoping hmm?

Thats one thing I hate about loving someone, it automatically puts you in a position to be hurt and to get worried....

"The great thing about her is when you look in her eyes, and she's looking back in yours, everything feels not quite normal, because you feel stronger, and weaker at the same time. You feel excited, and at the same time, terrified. The truth is you don't know what you feel, except you know what kind of man you want to be. It's as if you've reached the unreachable, and you weren't ready for it."
-Fatman
Take care all
Matt

**UPDATE**
There is this guy, a young man who is bragging about his perfect heart, and another older man has this heart that looks ragged and tattered, and the young man askes him why his heart looks like that. The older man smiled and said that every person he met he gave a piece of his heart, and sometimes the other gave a piece of theirs back, but sometimes they didn't. He felt that, though his heart looked horrid against the younger man's, that his heart was more complete, because a heart is meant to share. The young man began to cry, and took a piece of his heart and gave it to the older man.

1 Fuck you | Find me