Sweet Jesus
I was really, REALLY pissed off earlier, because guys are immensely fucking retarded, but what else is new? Why was I surprised by this? I'm not really sure. I guess I just started viewing people as people and not male or female. But I can't help but notice how much better things are when I hang out with chicks. I'd say it's a good thing that I stopped judging by gender, but I'm not sure it is. Maybe I've just been hanging out with the wrong guys. Where are all the sane, nice ones...this man of my dreams that I'm supposedly going to find some day? Or even someone remotely close!?! The last one I knew died, so that kinda sucks. Well, more than kind of, but I'm not getting into that right now. Anyhow, I started to feel better laughing at one of my old journals. Also, cheers to staying up all night drinking and then not sleeping! This is fun! It's being fucked up without drugs! So anyhow, I realized that the journal is five years old. FIVE FUCKING YEARS. I really never realized how big of a bitch I was! It's really fucking amusing! I say some horrible things, though. And you know what sucks? Well, Lisa and I were talking last night, and we're kind of still having the same problems we were then! I mean, not to the extent that we were, but still. Same old crushes, same old everything. Am I really still feeling like doing the same things I wanted to do then? Yes, and that kinda sucks. I can't help it, though. It would still be fucking amazing. Although, getting older makes you realize that what you thought were just objects of lust are actually people. Real, live people who were terrified of you because they were scared you were going to tackle them in the hallway and fuck the ever living shit out of them. Or maybe that's just how people felt about me. HAHAHAHA!!!! Believe me, nothing's changed. I still get that way, and now I take it a step further. I'm really just at the point where I don't give a fuck. I know I used to think I'd reached that point in my teenage years, but really, now I've been through so much more, what have I got to lose? Besides, I almost have an excuse now; I'm usually fucked up. Last night it was alcohol. And for the first time, it really did make me bold! That, plus I got a LOT of encouragement from Lisa. And when she says something should happen, that's how I know the idea isn't as insane as I thought. Or that it is as insane as I thought, but that I should do it, anyway. I definitely told my best friend I was going to rape the shit out of him last night. At one point I would have been okay with literally raping him, like, even though it really would have been non-consensual on his part. All of a sudden I got a shitload of confidence last night. It feels nice to have it again, but Jesus. I jumped into the shower with him, grabbed a hold of his cock, and just...wow. But you know what? He really probably shouldn't say things like, " When you and so and so break up we have to have sex " and " Snuggling will lead to something else. " And he gets naked all the time in front of everybody! Surely he had to know that some crazy bitch out there was going to go for it! And did he not expect me to hold him to his word about having sex!?! Come on, now! I told him many times that I thought he was an idiot for not doing it. He is. Whatever, maybe some day. After all, it took quite some time to work up to being able to fuck Jonathan. I didn't do it (thank God), but I finally got there, at least. Well, last night was closer than any other time, so who knows? And if he really doesn't like it, he can stop hanging out with me when I'm drunk/fucked up. Besides, I'm not usually THAT bad. And it wasn't even bad! It's not like I cornered him in the bathroom and wouldn't let him leave, although I will admit that it did cross my mind. Oh well. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I can be okay alone, so that helps. At one point, I got a really sweet phone call from Jamie saying thanks for helping him and his girlfriend stay together and that I was an awesome friend and shit. But then he called back a couple hours later and MAN was he being a dick! He started off the conversation by asking how much I like the guy I wanted to fuck, telling me that he's going to get him fired and deported and shit, and then he starts yelling at me about how we've been friends for so long and we dated in sixth grade and blah, blah, blah. The thing that pissed me off the most was the fact that he brought up us dating. Like, EXCUSE ME!!?!! Jealousy! That's totally what that was! But where the FUCK did it come from!?! Like, what the fuck!?! We tried dating a shitload of times, he knows that I've always loved him and would have married him and shit, so what the fuck!?! I'm sorry that he fucked up so much and now has a girlfriend that he's madly in love with half the time and calls a bitch and a cunt the other half of the time! It's not my fault his life sucks! But I called him back and left a nice little message saying that I never said anything about his friends being complete dumb ass fuck-ups who burn their apartments down and shit. And I also made sure to mention that I never told his girlfriend that she could do SO much better than him. That's gonna' kick him in the balls. HARD. But whatever. Fuck him. If he calls and wants to work shit out, then whatever, but I'm not calling him anymore. He can go fuck himself. Everyone HAS always told me I'm better off without him. Oh; and he was all mad that I'm still friends with Gus after he crashed my car. First of all, as my friend pointed out, that's a fucking object, and nothing compared to all the emotional hell Jamie put me through. Second of all, that's MY fucking business and choice. Why is it that people tell you to move on and then get pissed when you do? Anyway, I started feeling better when I was sitting out on my porch reading that journal. Then I came across a sex story I wrote and as I started reading it I realized it was the one I posted on here that got found and read by at least one of my teachers (who, unfortunately, was the subject of the story). But it was really well written, so whatever. Fun times in tenth grade, man, let me tell ya. And you know? I was able to look back and see what I was doing five years ago today. Ironically, it was the day I started dating Brianna for the first time, who I may or may not be dating right now. We got together for a couple days, but now she's in the hospital, so who knows what the fuck is going on? Fuck my life. Seriously. Like I said, though, everything is pretty much the same. Why the fuck is that? Now I can notice patterns in my behavior over the years. I would seriously like to know what the roots of this insane obsessive way I get are. I can sort of remember when it started, which was seventh grade, but I would really, ReAlLy, REALLY like to know why.

When did life get so fucked up?
I was just thinking, and I remembered that when my friends and I were in high school with all of our angsty emotional problems, we talked each other out of suicide by convincing ourselves that life would be much better when we were out of school and becoming adults. Well, I've arrived, and it sucks a LOT more than high school ever did. I feel like at that age I had some sick sort of insight as to what the future was going to be like. Maybe I knew it wasn't really worth it. And I don't want to hear any bullshit about how maybe I feel this way now, but I might feel better some day. Fuck some day. I've been telling myself that shit for years, but things just keep getting worse. And just when you think they're getting better, you get slammed with something else. And these aren't just small problems anymore. We're talking death, car accidents, drug addictions, lack of jobs/income, moving out, worrying that the worst has happened when you don't hear from someone, because, honestly, the worst that could happen isn't as unlikely as people would like to believe. I mean, what the fuck!?! Seriously! If this is all life has to offer from adulthood, then honestly, fuck it. Fuck it all. It's really not worth it to me to get up every day and do things I don't want to do just so other people can be happy that I'm not dead. And just when I thought my heart was FINALLY safe, I found out I was wrong. I didn't even realize I loved her this much until she stopped talking to me. I feel like I did something wrong, even though I don't think I did. And I realized something else scary earlier. I've basically been pretending that the last two years of my life haven't happened, minus cosmetology school. It's easier that way. If I think about everything that's happened, I find a LOT of reasons to kill myself. And here's my love life update- Steve- self-explanatory, Corey- again, self-explanatory, Raph- even though no one cares about him, it still sucks that he didn't have the balls to say, " Laura, you're a fucking bitch, and we need to break up ", then there was me trying very hard to be with Gus -just lots of tears and fucked up situations came out of that, although there is no denying that he's an amazing friend, and now, Bri. I love her so much, I finally felt safe, and I believed her when she said she loved me. Maybe she still does, but I haven't talked to her in a week, and I'd really like to know what the fuck is going on. If we're not together anymore, then I'm fucking done with getting attached (and yes, I know this probably won't stick). But seriously, how can I be optimistic about love anymore? Fuck my life.

Well...
I just don't know. I am so fucked up. I am going to talk to my therapist about hospitalization, because I just can't go on like this. I'm almost at the point where I'm going to pretend that nothing happened. Either that or I'm going to kill myself. There's not really an in between for me because I just.....can't. Nothing helps this. Not drugs, not cutting, and I really don't want to face life without Corey. I honestly want to kill myself. I am literally just waiting to die, and I'm only 20, so I'm not about to wait another 40+ years for that shit. Everything sucks.

No sleep, LOTS of smoking...
I am waiting for my uncle to pick me up for dinner. Why am I even going? I really don't want to, but I figured it might be better for me. I really don't think it makes any difference right now. I am beginning to come to terms with facts such as: I'll never get to feel Corey holding me again; I felt so safe in his arms. I'll never get to kiss him and feel how tightly and passionately he was holding me. I'll forever miss his ridiculous laughs, and I'll even miss him being an asshole. Anyway, I have to go for now.

Stupid fucking cunts
So guess what? I was just innocently talking to Steve saying how I didn't want to be hanging out with him and Shannon given that I was in love with him for two years and shit, he leaves the room for a minute, I guess, and she FREAKS OUT on me! She's like " you're not getting steve back get over it " and I'm like " I don't fucking want him; you have fun with him. " And she's all bitch bitch bitch and I'm like, " Fuck off, you stupid cunt. All I said was that I didn't want to watch you two together and you start flipping out on me after the man I love JUST DIED; how low are you, you cunt!?! " And she's all, " I'm sorry I'm so shitfaced blah blah blah. " And now she's been fucking talking to me like I give a shit. Do people not realize that I don't give a FUCK about ANYthing right now!?! That I would literally KILL SOMEBODY because NOTHING at all matters to me anymore? Smarten up, you fucking cunts! And I am SO sick of people thinking that they have the right to post things on MySpace that say " Corey Hafford; my angel. " I could kill the bitch that posted that. I mean, people are going to feel how they're going to feel, but I just want to get up in her face and be like, " Listen, cunt, you don't even fucking know! Do YOU know what he was gonna' name his kids? Did he tell YOU he was gonna' marry you after the Navy? Did he tell YOU that you could have his baby? I don't fucking think so! " No one fucking seems to realize that my emotions are NOT connected to my brain. I was JEALOUS of the people crying at the Wake. I WISH I could cry. But I'm just dead inside. Not even depressed. There's just NOTHING there. I'm sure it'll be like that for a LONG time, if not for the rest of my life. I will never be the same again, I know that. I mean, there's really no way to recover from falling asleep on the love of your life's leg and then waking up to him dead. What in God's name am I supposed to be doing with myself now. I should get a job now, seeing as I'm a fucking robot.

So that was fun...
Well, I recently got back from Corey's wake. That didn't make things any more real or anything. I am totally not feeling anything. I can't type right now. I have nothing to say because my feelings are just dead.

The absolute darkest most ironic joke
I've had a near-death experience, everybody! Get it?

Oh God....just.....oh God
There's this place in my head that I'm going to, and it's just fucking bad. Everything looks like I'm tripping, and I'm definitely not. I really feel like I'm on Robotussin right now. Thank God I'm not. Anyway, in the place in my head, Corey is still alive. He and I are still holding each other, kissing each other, loving each other. I'm literally going insane. For real. I realize now that all the times I was on drugs and I wanted to go to Florida, it's not really Florida I wanted to go to. It's this place in my head where absolutely nothing is wrong. In that place, Corey and I are in Florida together. We hang out with Robert Smith sometimes. Christ. I need sleep. And professional help. This fucking sucks.

I went for a walk around the block to buy cigarettes, and at one point, it occurred to me how alone I am. I mean, it's not like I don't have friends, but I don't see them enough. I'm almost glad enough not to have a boyfriend, but I still really want one. But I have a feeling that I won't get one until I learn how to be okay by myself. And that's hard to do when you are surrounded by guys that you'd like to be with, who would be with you (maybe) if they weren't leaving for the navy/ already sort of with someone or if they weren't five years younger than you. Or 24 years older than you. I need to find someone right in the middle. I know one person who I would like to go out with, but I don't think he feels that way about me, and besides that, I don't feel like I'm worthy. But he's not a god, either. We're all just human. And damn it, I am JUST AS GOOD as everybody else! But when I'm around guys, I turn into this little, pathetic person who can't think for herself. I hate that. AND I FUCKING WISH MYSPACE WAS WORKING!!! OR AIM, GOD DAMN IT!!! I wouldn't even be typing this right now if they were working. I'm trying to decide if I dare to call Ryan or not. He hasn't called me since I sent him that MySpace message saying that I was scared to call him, so probably he thinks we should give it a rest for now, too. It's like, I know that I can do better than the idiots I hang around with, but since they're the only exposure I have to guys right now, and since I like them, and since they seem to like me, too, I just think, why not? But now I am realizing the answer. I'll tell you exactly why not, and I'm not trying to sound conceited, it's just that I never feel good about myself. The reason is that I am fucking amazing and they could never give me what I need. Well, Ryan could, but he's too young, so he doesn't count. I must find the mystery man who can make my dreams come true. ~sigh~ Life never really gets any easier, does it? It's just one long upward climb and the only time you get to kind of relax is when you're too old to do anything. This sucks. It's really depressing. But hey, now at least I know why people have substance abuse problems. That's not the only reason, but it's like, my problem isn't any drug in particular. I'm not addicted to cough pills, pot, lsd, shrooms, cocaine, heroine, or alcohol. I'm addicted to feeling something different than the normal every day bullshit. That's what it is. I really may go to Narcotics Anonymous. Maybe I could find a new boyfriend there. And I am 100% serious when I say that.

Winter
Last night was all ice rain and tree limbs freezing and falling off. It's pretty cool, but I kept waking up last night and it was pretty scary hearing " crack, crack.....BOOM! " I was like, Oh, God, there goes my house. But everything's fine, obviously, and it's pretty cool looking up and down the street and seeing all the ice and branches. I miss Ryan. I don't want to call him, though, because I'm not sure how his mother would handle that if she found out. She'd probably kill me. Maybe he'll call me sometime, but if not, oh well. It's just one more person I've lost that I'll have to get over. In other news, I was looking at Steve's new girlfriend's MySpace profile, and not only is she ugly as fuck, but she seems like she might be as big of a loser as he is. Maybe they will be together for a long time, have a wedding, and have the world's ugliest children. But more likely, she'll wake up one day like I did and be like, UGH! Even though I'm an ugly piece of shit, even I can do better than him! I really miss Steve. A LOT. But the only way I can see him is if I want to sacrifice MY life, and I'm not willing to do that, so I will just have to wait until I meet someone better. Someone better that I can actually be with without worrying about being arrested, I mean. And someone better who is a whole lot better, and not just better sometimes when it's convenient. I need to make a list of what I want/need in a guy.

People, places, and things
Over the weekend, I hung out with Steve and this kid Ryan. He's only 15, but he seems like he's my age. We all took cough pills together Saturday and Sunday night, but it really didn't do anything for me, so I really am done with that shit, and thank God for it. Besides the fact that it's disgusting, there are better drugs out there when they're needed, and all the rest of the time, there's real, clean life, which is enough to give anyone a fucking mind trip. Anyway, I have a crush on Ryan, which I know is fucked up, but whatever. We probably would have had sex this weekend, but Steve was sort of in the way of that, which I don't really mind too much because I might have regretted it BIG TIME (even though I sincerely doubt that I would have regretted it). So maybe he and I will hang out alone some time, and maybe not. Who knows? Anyway, today I went for a walk and I ended up going the way of my old route and I spent some time at the Park. I was just swinging and listening to my music when all of a sudden it occurred to me; I was doing the EXACT same thing that I was doing FIVE YEARS ago. And then I started thinking about how since then, I had kind of gotten everything I wanted. Not everything, but a lot of things. A guy who wants to marry me and start a family with me, an older man who actually does want to sleep with me, and I've sort of become the person I've always wanted to be. And I started thinking about where getting all of these things had gotten me. NO WHERE!!! I ended up in a worse position than I ever had been before! So when they say be careful what you wish for, I guess they mean it. There's still one thing from high school that I REALLY REALLY want that I will never in a million years lay my hands on, but I'm sort of FINALLY coming to terms with that. It sucks, but what can I do? I guess that no matter how much I didn't want to believe it in my childish teenage stupor, he and I really never would have made sense as a couple. I think now we might, or we would make really good friends because I would totally poke fun at him and kick his ass (in a nice way) all the time, but some things just never will be, and everyone has to accept that. Anyhow, it was ironic that I realized all this while I was listening to the Cars song " It's All I Can Do " because one of the lines is " And once in a moment/ it all comes to you/ As soon as you get it/ You want something new " and that is TOTALLY how I was feeling. And there's another line from that song that I would like to dedicate to every man I have ever loved/ been infatuated with whatever the circumstances and that line is " When I was crazy/ I thought you were great. "

God damn it!
I know this sounds childish but NO FAIR NO FAIR NO FAIR!!! I want to sleep with Steve's brother, and I think he wants to sleep with me, too, but I don't see any way it could happen unless Steve wasn't here or if he fell asleep or something. Steve has told me that he doesn't care what I do, just to please not sleep with his brother. But HOW TEMPTING IS THAT!?! First of all, since he told me not to, I TOTALLY want to, and second of all, how awesome would it be if I fucked a guy AND his brother!?! He's here till Tuesday, and then it's back to Florida :(. We were snuggling a bit earlier, which was nice. Ah well. We shall see we shall wee. But I'm tellin' ya'; whoever's had the chance to sleep with me and passed it up (especially older guys HINT HINT), totally does NOT know what they're missing!

Finally, life is going.....somewhere....?
Well, SO much fucked up shit has happened over the past few months. I don't even know where the fuck to begin. Well, right now, at this present moment (which could, of course, change as earlier as the next five minutes), life is actually sort of how I've always wanted it to be. Well, not really, but I am finally in a place where I can be happy about it if I want to or be depressed about it if I want to. I finally broke away from Steven, which is good except I feel really bad because he's a REALLY sweet guy and I know he loves me a lot. I love him a lot, too, but it just won't work right now. I also found out that I have bipolar disorder, so woot to that! I don't have a boyfriend anymore right now, but my God, I do NOT want a boyfriend right now. I have my Man Candy (friends with benefits), and that's all I need right now. The main person I fuck wouldn't be that great of a boyfriend anyway. I love him to death, don't get me wrong, and I would marry him in a heartbeat, but that's more for a constant companionship than anything else. I don't even WANT to get married. At least not at the moment. I do want to have kids, though. That's the most important thing to me. I don't give a fuck if I have a husband. As much as I love my boys and men in general, they are SO much more trouble than they're worth. ALL OF THEM!!! I mean, there is one I would actually marry for love, one I would marry for infatuation (Robert Smith from the Cure, who is the most beautiful man alive!), and the rest, I'll just fuck for fun. Or ignore completely. Jesus. I don't think I will ever understand life, love, or men, but whatever. As long as things are interesting, they don't even necessarily have to be fun. I think I'm growing up. It sucks and makes me a bit sick, but hey, at least I'm not a fucking teenager anymore. I really miss it. I mean, I never thought I would because I wanted to kill myself the whole time, but guess what? Now I'm twenty, a lot different(ish), and I STILL want to kill myself! Oh well. Life carries on no matter how much you don't want it to, so you might as well accept the fact that it sucks, move on, and just have as much fun as you can. I guess.

I should form a band called " The Disease "
Anyhow, I am back again for what probably appears as more bitching and whining, but is really my feeble attempt at self-expression. As with any journal entry I try to write these days, I never know where to begin. Well, for a while I've been in this God-awful funk that I can't seem to get out of no matter what I do. Everything in life (including the words I am writing right now) seems so fucking pointless. I was reading my psychology book from Quinsigamond (~laughs bitterly~), and I read a section about what's called the " Crisis of Question " which is a stage that people go through while developing. It said that during this stage, people frequently ask " Is this it? Is this what life is about?...........Seriously? " They begin to doubt their position in life, become dissatisfied in their marriages, and kill themselves. Well, suicide isn't really a part of it, but I thought I'd throw it in for dramatic effect. They may make career changes, pursue different hobbies, and test out different lifestyles to see if there is one that can make them feel like life isn't a waste of time, as the lifestyle they're living used to do. That is exactly what I am experiencing right now. Minus the career change because I don't have one, and changing the word " marriage " to " relationship. " It's not that I'm not happy with Steve, it's just that my love life seems like every other fucking thing does; pointless, gray, and dull. Anyway, the weird thing about me going through the " Crisis of Question " stage is that it doesn't usually hit until people are in their late thirties and early forties. I keep reminding myself of things that generally make people excited to be alive, but even those things I once dreamed of (having children, for example) just seem.....muted, in a way. I just don't care anymore. What's the point? I don't even feel much anymore. Well, that's not exactly true, but I don't get excited and I never get an adrenaline rush from anything anymore. One of the things I've realized is that I didn't really start feeling like this until I stopped doing drugs. I still get high once in a while, but not anywhere near as much as I used to. Which is good, but at the same time, it really sucks. I think that part of the reason nothing seems as good as it used to is that everything seemed so much better on drugs. I keep trying to tell myself that the longer I stay away from them, the better things will seem, but the fact that it's been months and nothing's changed kind of discourages me from actually pursuing that. It's like, I won't be feeling anything, I'll smoke pot or something, and then I'll feel great, but as soon as it wears off, I'm right back where I was and nothing seems worth anything anymore. I'm missing out on those natural highs where something exciting happens and I get an adrenaline rush. Life is like one big anticlimactic event after another. I'm afraid it'll stay like this. I don't want to fucking live like this. It doesn't help that ever since I finally left high school, the place I so despised while I was there, I've been wanting to go back. It was such an amazing safety bubble. It didn't prepare me for the real world at all. In that bubble, you can fuck up as many times as possible, and there's always something to fall back on. In the real world, a phrase I finally understand, if you fuck up, then that's it. You fucked up, and you're on your own to do what needs to be done to fix things. Know one knows how truly lucky they are to be there until they're out. It sucks. I really can't figure out how to begin my next subject. Let me start out by saying, I know someone who has a crush on someone who it is literally impossible to be with. This person gets upset because he/she feels it's pathetic. Well, if that person happens to read this, I have a message. You may think that's pathetic, but consider this.....well, hang on. Like you, I don't mention this to ANYONE anymore (and mean anyone- not Steve, not anyone who was around me while I was going through it before, and not even my therapist), because what more is there to say about it, and as far as " accomplishing " it goes, I'm as fucked as I ever was, if not more, and for the fact that although I think about it often, I'd rather not drag it to the fucking surface bringing with it an inevitable tornado of emotion that will surely push me towards suicide (again). Now that I am writing about it, I am starting to cry because....well, considering who you are, you'll understand why, and I needn't waste my time searching for an explanation. How pathetic/bad is it that even now, two years later, I still think about the person I was in love with for three years in high school? And not just in casual passing thought every once in a while, either. Just back then, it is many times a day every single fucking day. I don't want to say I haven't given up hope.....well, alright, I'll admit that I haven't, but I still have enough sense not to pursue it more than I already did because I'm sure the result would be frighteningly similar to those in the movie " The Crush. " You know; the one with Alicia Silverstone and Cary Elwes? But anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the place your heart takes you that makes you say, " Wow! Maybe suicide really IS a good idea!?! " Well, maybe you don't feel that way, and it's only through denial and surpression that I don't feel that way, but I know that thought is in my head somewhere. Anyway, that's all for right now. Peace.