Old Habits
I hate my consious. (I also wish I could spell).

I should feel bad for the things I said, I know I should, but I really don't. *Is frusterated* If I'm suppose to hate him, they why do I still keep him in my prayers, and worry because he will never be able to have what he desires if he doesn't realize the bitterness he holds against his one lost love? *sigh* I shouldn't be worrying about this. He hates me, I'm not exactly fond of him. So why should I bother? Everytime I try to get close, he always thinks I have some sort of hidden motive, so then he attacks me in anyway possible *growls* which really really agitates me. But I can't tell him that I don't want to hurt him, that I am only trying to be what he wants so badly, a friend. Not that he would care, he still thinks that I'm an immature, insecure, child. And I still think that he's a grumpy, bitter, old man. So why do I bother worrying about his happiness?

I guess old habits die hard.

Katie

Wow, that was an awsome night for a pretty dull day.
So I'm sitting on my butt, playing FFX, when Jackie calls up-we talk-end up going out and seeing Bringing Down the House. I haven't laughed that hard watching a movie in so long! I seriously think that me and Jacke were gonna fall out of our seats (or else we were just suffering from a sodium high from all that salt she put on our popcorn!) ^_^ But all and all, it was a pretty cool day. The only downer was that I had to go to some stupid wedding shower for a girl I didn't even know (wow, what fun.) so my and my bro weren't able to go to Alpine and pick up another dance pad. Bummer. Anyway, we can do that some other time.

Harley

P.S. I am a crazy jester!

Hm.....interesting in so many aspects.
I can't believe my week.

Anyone could have asked me if I believed that I would talk to Crystal like I did this week, and I probably would have laughed in their face. But I did, and she listened. Odd huh? A definate plus to the week in general, so I'm glad that I lived it. I made a difference in one life to the positive, and she is definatly one of those "true few" that I had mentioned earilier. (Oh and Ray, Esther, you guys are too, just being there for me in spirit is being there for me. I love you for it. And Ray, you can stop by my school anytime, I don't mind).

Nate's ticked at me. I love it! (I told you guys to give me a week) HAHA! And why don't I care? Because I have put up with enough. Go figure, I thought I had Shina under control. Oh well, it really doesn't bother me.

Connie, yeah, nevermind.

Shina

Not even bland vanilla anymore
Grr...I'm so sick of feeling ignored.

I'm not mad at her...just disapointed. She is doing the exact thing that Jackie was doing to her, and yet she can't even see it. What's the point? How can someone be so wrapped up in their own feelings and not see the ones of others around them? *sigh* I am SO SICK of being everyone's jester...well, not everyone. There are still a few, a rare few, that love my jests, and understand what I put myself through for them, those are the ones that I smile for, the ones that I cheer for everyday. Thank you for those God, thank you for your love, for not making me bitter against all that has been thrown against me, thank you for the support of my family, for my health, for my talants, for my job, thank you, thank you thank you. And thank you. most importantly, that you are there, and have given me the support I need to know there is still hope.

Katie

Hm, do you think I could get my book published by the end of this year? That is kinda moving the date up a little bit, since I had originally planned late spring next year. But I suddenly want to get it done. And it has been going so well, that I'm starting to wonder.....*shakes head* that's too far into the future to be wondering about now. Maybe I will clue you guys in later, but it really has nothing to do with any of you, well not really, only one inparticular, but you don't know her. Anyway, I have again been faced with choices, which really has become no surprise. That's why God gave us free will, so we could make our own choices. Some sound like really good ideas, but then, I might just be excited over the prospect of change. So I'm going to keep quiet about them, until I'm sure. (Which could be months from now.) But I am hoping to have decided by next summer, because that is when they would hopefully take place.

Well enough ramblings, later days!

Harley

P.S. I like mint chocolate chip icecream better.

FFX-2, is there anything cooler?
I just found out a bunch of stuff about FFX2...its coming out in November (my birthday month, how encredably TIGHT!) oh yeah-Booya baby! I also am able to talk to my best buddy, Crystal (not not Stone, other one). She set up a woohu account, so now I can keep in constant contact with her. My story is coming along great. I think I'm going to have to make an entire dedication page to Brianna, because the story is turing out to be as much hers as it is mine. I should post the fight scene between Abigail and Bain (he's a pirate.) That is pretty good. Well just wanted to let you know I was doing a little better.

Katie

I hate being an actress, a jester for the will of men
Tears are shed,
Behind the smile.
Laughter is fed,
Behind the cry of sorrow.

I wish that I could show my emotions more. I was so terribly upset all day today, and I couldn't even show it, I was afraid to be sad, because so many people want to see my smile. (I hate my smile). I hate my mind too. Its always thinking, working, complicating everything. I hate it. Why couldn't I have just sat quiet? I knew that my saying something would not make Connie see herself any differently, it didn't last year, why would it now? But she doesn't understand that the reason I can't be around her is because I can't stand the pressure that it puts me up against. Its not that she "makes" me feel like I can't be a Christian, but then she does, because my ways are not her ways, and since she really won't bend to mine, I have to bend to hers. I guess that's the best way I can describe it. And lately, I started to break. I found myself starting to do things I wouldn't normally do, and I didn't like it. I knew I was picking up habits that I shouldn't. I was letting her sharpen me, instead of the other way around, and I knew then, that I had given up, that I had descided that she didn't want me to help her, so I wasn't going to anymore. That's why I distanced myself, because I didn't see any point in me having a close relationship with her when she came to me for advice, but didn't follow it through, or got upset with me when I told her things that she didn't want to hear (she may not have realized it, but she did. I could tell by her actions and tones when she spoke to me). Brianna, she was just an answer to a prayer that God blessed me with. There I was, unable to support my best friend the way that she wanted to be supported, so I was not a friend at all. Connie and I had singled ourselves out of others after our three years together, so I really had no one else to turn too, but then God gave me Brianna, who I am thankful everyday. Its not that she was a better friend or anything, she just...wanted what I was able to give her. Connie had gone past what I was able to give her. So I couldn't be a friend to her. I wanted to, but I realized I was holding on to something that didn't exist. ( I am NOT going to cry. I have to leave soon, people need to see my smile). I hate my mind. I hate tears, and I hate my smile. I hate the light that shines on me! Making me have to be different then everyone else! I hate this room! I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A fallen Jesus Girl

Trust? Not me.
"Trust Me" He says gently.
"I tried"
"Trust Me"
"But what if I don't do it right? What about if I screw up and lead everyone astray?? What if I want to trust, but don't know what your saying???"
"Trust Me."


I don't do well with Trust.

I wish I knew....
I am happy.
Yeah, I can honestly say that. But there is still something in the back of my mind, nagging. I hate naggings. Because I usally know Who's nagging, and He doesn't leave me alone.
"But Lord, what can I say to her? She doesn't even want me anymore."
"Trust me." He says back.
"How can I approach it, she ignored me before."
"Trust me." He replies.
Grrr, I try, I tried, but I still don't know what to say. Everything seems wrong, accusing. Should I just email her that past entry? No, then it would seem like I am just digging up the past, but then, it did have a lot of good points in it, but then, Nick just thought I was kicking him when he was down. *Sigh* Why do I always have to feel like I have to change things? Why do I feel like I can't tell her that I almost cried when I hugged Jackie on Friday night because I was so happy to see her? Why am I so afraid Connie will be upset with me if I tell her that I can't be her best friend anymore because it stresses me to greatly? That I feel I can't be a Christian around her? Why can't she listen, instead of doing her own way, all the time?
"Trust Me." God says. And I will, but I am not Connie's jester anymore. I'm sorry, I really am. *turns and walks away with tears in eyes*.

Katie

I wish I was a Jesus Girl.

K, Mista' J!
I have a surprise for Brianna, I hope she likes it. I'm tired. I worked today (yay for me). My alterego (harley) has been busting to get out a little. So I think I will have a little fun tomorrow so she can relax until she needs to escape from Arkham again. Anyway, its a whole 9:40pm, so I am going to bed! Later!

Harley, I am so a Christian Punk!

HAHA! Now that's funny! ^_^