~John 3:16: For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotton son, so that whosoever believith in Him, shall not perish, but have eternal life. Believe, He will save you.
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2011 31 August :: 1.04am
:: Mood: crappy
:: Music: Futurama is on TV
... Life
So... here I am 25, divorced, one degree, still in school, working part time at a shitty job that I have no future at, going in for surgery in 2 weeks. I have hip dysplasia. This is why I've had hip pain for 5 years now. I'm gonna go in and willingly let them cut/break my pelvis in three spots, put pins in, repair tears in the labrum, realign/position things, and maybe even do something to the head of my femur. I'm absolutely terrified. I know Ryan will be by my side through it all. But still. I hate having to rely so much on other people. I've been let down by so many, it's hard to put complete trust in them. I'm scared the pain will be more than I can handle. Scared that even after recovery that I'll be .... disabled.... more so than I am now. Right now most of the pain can be handled by codeine. Taken often but still. And I wonder if I'll end up having to have the same thing done to my other hip..... And I'm in the ending point of my second degree this one for Veterinary Technology. *I yell/say fluffy whenever I see a dog... heh Ry and I will be out playin disc golf and i see one and go fluffy and ruin everyone concentration and such* I have to go to Detroit for the procedure since he's the only Dr in the state that does em. I'll be down there for about a week. And I realized tonight that my parents will too, so I wonder who will take care of my pup. I have asked the hunny to take care of her while I'm gone and he might. I need him there that first day. I'm going to be a wreck. He's my rock. My sanity. My everything. I don't understand it, we're opposites but he's my everything. He knows me better than I do myself. He's not always what I want, but he's always what I need. He encourages me, pushes me, spoils me, pampers me, he's my world. In the last year... he's become my life. I know this surgery is supposed to help. But I'm scared of being more disabled than I am now, of anesthesia not working like it should, of having more pain after recovery than I do now, of the whole surgery being ... botched. I try not to think of these things but as the day gets ever so close it's hard not to. I try to sleep at night and all I can picture is them taking the scalpel to my groin and being able to feel it and see the blood. Its so vivid I almost want to cry. And this is so hard to explain to people. Its just like it'll be ok, just don't think about it. Well... fuck... this is going to happen, the surgery, how can I not think about how it might go wrong?!? I'm 25 and this isn't normal!!! I've never wanted to be normal on the outside... but now that I'm older and have been having joint issues for 5 years... I want to live one day in some one else's body and see what it's like to live without aches and pains. I have had days I can't even pick my right foot up more than 6-8 inches because of the pain. Not to mention stairs... i have to do a flight ... well like 20ish stairs at Ry's... I can handle that usually, some days it's difficult. Not to mention hills :( I love to disc golf. I've been doing it for a year and haven't had an ace. Got close about 3 times at old farm though. But I can't walk hole 10 cause of the hill, sometimes I have to stop at 9 cause the walking is just too much. Fucking hate it. Makes me feel pathetic. Ry is such a strong person. Emotionally and physically. I wish I were more like him. He makes me want to be better. But I feel like I hold him back when I can't do stuff like that. He understands and never makes me feel bad about it, never complains about it. Offers to carry me when I'm in pain. I keep telling him I'm waiting till after surgery to take him up on that. Well ... I'm gonna stop for now. I'm going to keep updating more.. This will be my "recovery" journal. So if you want to hear my story... listen.. if not thats fine too. I just need a place to vent thats not my bf and won't get annoyed after awhile.
"A small controversy has risen, after a report that President Obama would not be attending a traditional Memorial Day ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery. Instead, Obama will spend the holiday with his family in Chicago.
Traditionally, presidents would lay a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Solider. Some conservative groups are angered by the move.
"Obama will however make it back to Washington in time next week to honor Paul McCartney, who has sacrificed so much for the freedoms we enjoy," seethes conservative commenter Michelle Malkin."
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2009 25 December :: 4.05pm
:: Mood: contemplative
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv
ah..
see the knife
look at the blade glitter
pick it up
feel the edge
sharp enough to slice skin
press your thumb onto it
draw drops of crimson blood
exhale the breath you'd taken and smile
"this is it" you think
:my final time on this dreadful planet"
you mentally say goodbyes and praises
as you slowly lower the knife
so it presses against your inner wrist, on the vein
you take a deep breath
you press the blade down
press it hard
and slowly draw it against your skin
exhaling sharply against the sweet pain
you draw it so it makes a 2 inch cut
smiling as you see the blood
then you muster the courage
and switch hands
cutting into your other wrist
exerting a littler kmore pressure
so you get it right this time
you see the blood ooze out
you shiver slightly knowing, hoping
this will be your last
you make two more wounds
to the inner elbow of each arm
to help finish
knowing the asprain will only help
as the blood drips
you being to wonder
about what might have been
you write your thoughts down quickly
there's not too much time left now
you tell them how sorry you are
for not being perfect
for loving the wrong people
for doing the wrong things
but you lose your thoughts
you start to feel dizzy
you can feel yourself blacking out
you know you're dying
you hear someone walk in
you hear them shout your name
feel them run to you and cradle you in their arms
"I love you" you whisper
as blackness slips over you
"I love you! Please don't die" is whispered back
you struggle to hold on a little longer
if only to be with them
"I'm sorry. Remember me" you say
they hug you closer
they cry and tell you your forgiven and they love you
over and over again
your strength, your will weakens
you let go of life
with a smile
because you died in the arms of the one you loved
The only good thing you'd found on this dreadful planet.
I remember writing this years ago... and I still love the style of it.. but there is something wrong here. dying in the arms of the person you loved is not... an ending, nor is it probably the only good thing you'd find. To me, my dog is the only thing I have found with the exception of a few friends to have loved me unconditionally. To really be there for me and to accept me.
::
2009 25 December :: 3.19pm
:: Mood: sick
:: Music: Criminal Minds - on tv
Everything
So I haven't updated in awhile. But I've had alot of things on my mind. Trying to figure out where my life is going and if where I'm at is helping me get there. I am excited about starting school back up in january. :D I'm just starting to wonder if this is really where I want to be. I miss things downstate. I used to have friends and be able to go hang out once in awhile.... now I just have one person maybe two I can talk to up here. And anyone that knows me, knows that I need my friends to stay sane. I've been having so much anxiety... sometimes its just hard to breathe. There are times I think... what am I doing here on this earth..what is my purpose. I keep wondering.... why am I here...I just make a mess of things. I constantly feel like everything is my fault. That I can never do anything right for my parents or the guy I'm with. And I know that isn't right or accurate. I know I'm loved to some extent. I just feel like there are terms and conditions to it all. And to me thats not the way love should be. I can love unconditionally, I treat my b/f the way I want him to treat me. Why can't someone treat me the same? Sometimes I just need a place to vent. I can't talk to him and have him actually listen. I just... I don't know what I need anymore.....
So living in the U.P can be many things. Mostly beautiful. I can see the lake/bay area from my front window. I love my job even tho I don't get enough hours. Working with dogs I think is really my calling. Lately tho... it's been raining or drizzling non-stop. Talk about depressing. It really saps away all good vibes. And just getting over being sick for the better part of a month. That sucked. I had to go into the doctor and lucky me, I have no insurance. *sighs* I just wonder how my life would be different if I had made different choices.
Best Text Messages
(971): I have two black x marks on my hands.
(503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
(971): damnit I wish I could remember that.
(330): I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome
(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
(714): we're chasing vodka with high fives
(559): Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
(310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
(704): We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
(919): If you're joking I'm going to be sad
(541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
(404): What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
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2009 24 May :: 9.11pm
:: Music: whatevers on tv
Well its been a long time I posted. I don't even know what all's going on anymore. I realize now that high school was definitly different than I thought. There was alot going on that I didn't know or realize. But again that was then. I'm still friends with certain people, others I could honestly care less. I'm married and working towards a divorce because he wasn't what I thought he was. He's not a bad person... just too much like my dad for me. I found a good guy who I'm living with. Far, far away from everything I've known. Its kinda nice although I tend to miss my other friends. Life is pretty much changed for me, everything is just different now. The only constant in my life has been some friends and my puppy. But that can only get you so far... *sighs* well... yeah. I'm still me, but I'm so different. And that doesn't make sense in my own head.... lol. well maybe someday it will....
So heres my update. Its been forever and a day. I miss high school. Shit was so much different then. Things were so much easier and less complicated. I sit here now a married woman, going through high school journal entries tearing up at how much drama there was. I still miss having some of those people in my life, and for treating them the way i did. and it just doesn't matter anymore. i realize it over and over no matter how much i wish it did matter. I wish i still had some of the friends i had in high school. i just wish i had more friends that were closer to me. Sorry to anyone that reads this ... it isn't intended on being depressing... just at getting emotions out.
Today a statement came out from the Chinese government about the Dalai Lama. They said he was a "demon wearing a human face." Wow, definetly boycotting Chinese goods now.
