As I said goodbye, I decided that this is the first day of the rest of my life
How bad do I want to get out of this school. It's really not the people, or the regular gossip, or outrageous drama...it's the wait. I know I still have two years left. I don't want to wait that long, I can't wait that long. I really cannot stand high school anymore. Some people say it's the best time of their lifes, it's were you meet your best friends for the rest of your life, blah blah blah. Yeah , I've met friends that I do truely love deep down. That mean a lot. But only a few. I probably will never see more than two or three of you after high school again ever in my life. None of this crap in high school is going to matter after I graduate. I wish I was 18, because I would seriously take summer classes this coming summer, so that I would be finished, and then start College in the fall. The more and mroe I think about college, my life after I get out of here, the less and less I care about how things are, how things go. I just feel like this place makes me so immature, and so stupid, and my thoughts and ideas aren't accounted for, because none if it matters when you're a 16 year old cocky, bitch sitting in a classroom. I just want to get away from cedar, move on, to someplace where I WANT to be, someplace where I can start living and devolping the life that I want for myself, not the life I was born into and someone chose for me. I don't like Cedar, I wouldn't ever want to live here. It's too small, it's too quiet, it's too...full of people that I don't like. My history's here, my memories, I don't want something someone picks off a shelf for me. I have my own wants, and goals, and things I want to accomplish, and I can't do any of those things here. I feel so stuck. And I hate it. And it constantly runs through my head, making me hate everything here so much more than I already do.

I kind of feel like all that was for nothing, and it kind of makes me sick to my stomach that you don't care at all. That you're just even more concerned about what caused most of this to begin with. It makes me so angry, so sick to my stomach that I get this feeling that I've honestly never felt before. I'm starting to not care about the situation, but I would never be able to pull off not caring for you. That I will always do. No matter how angry I get. I hate you for not caring about me. For being happy without me. I don't care how that makes me sound to anyone because anyone isn't my concern. You are, were. And I hate you for not caring.

I woke up this morning, with this feeling inside me that I can't explain. Like a weight that I've carried been carried away. But I know that something is coming, I don't know what it is. But I know it's amazing, can save me, my time is coming, I'll find my way out, of this longest drought. I reat life like a picture but it's not a moment that's frozen in time. It's not gonna wait till I make up my mind at all. So while that strom is breakin while there's lifght at the end of the tunnel, I keep running towards it, releasing the pressure thats my heartache. Soon this dam will break.

I guess it just doesn't matter.

*PS*
I Love Kelli!


"Don't forget that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy and pretending to be smart, doesn't make you smart." That qoute....I tell ya.... makes more sense to me than some of the poeple I've know all my life do.

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate Cedar Springs!

<3 Jess Lynn

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