Hope dangles on a string...I am vindicated, I am selfish I am wrong, I am right, I swear I knew it all along.
But I am cleaning up so well. I now see the things in myself you swore you saw yourself

I stayed home from school today. I still didn't feel good. I woke up at like 6:35 and just put some pants on and brushed my teeth and went and layed on kate's bed. So I just stayed home. I've just been sleeping and watching movies. Fun fun.

I'm so greatful to the Schaubs. Their like family, and they make me feel loved and important, and for that I can't thank them enough. They've welcomed me with open arms, and given me everything I could have ever asked for. And I get to live with my best friend, share each other's clothes, have someone to complain too all the time, someone to do homework with, someone to hang out with all the time, I dont ever have to worry about being bored.

Today I was reading some of my old e-mails, and it's funny how I use to actually feel the way I did. Espically about certain people. Everything happens for a reason right? Or so I'm told. I can't believe I ever thought that I really liked you enough because I thought there was something there. Lol I can't even stand you now. Well I still love fighting with you, but I can't believe how differently I feel about you now. It amazes me how caught up in the moment you can get just to realize later in time, how crazy you were. Makes me think about people more than I use too. How I really feel, or will feel later. I always seem to regreat the feelings I have later on. Because I'm an idiot.
Oh-well, it happens.

I had a dream today while I was taking a nap that Katie came home with Kerri Smith and told me that she couldn't be my friend anymore because I had red hair, so Kerri was her new best friend and I had to move out............a little crazy, I know. Lol but I love Kate to death, I don't know what I'd do without her. She really listens, and she really cares, and I love always having her there when I need her.

And Jess, my little pussy! I love you so much! And I know that you worry about the situation and not having enough time to hit that because we're always so busy lol but you know how much I love you!! So don't let the situation cloud your senses, and what you already know to be true, and that I love you to death, and I'm always here for you, no matter where I am.

I've been talking to my mom a little on and off, and sometimes I just really don't even want to think about it or her, let alone talk to her, because reading e-mails from my mother is just...not cutting it. It's not what I want, it's not what I need, if anything I would expect that from a 14 year old. Not my mother. Then there are times, where I really do miss what I use to have. I miss my baby more than anything. I keep a picture of Pepper next to my bed. *cries* I really do miss her, a lot. My dog..sad huh? Well she's my baby and I miss her. A ton. I have no idea how things are going to turn out. I'm not even close to be ready to try to fix things. I've been trying the past few nights...but really...you tried giving me space, not knowing in a few days you regreat doing that. Now that I've gotten it, just because you're sorry..doesn't mean I am. Doesn't mean I'm ready to forget everything that has been said, everything that's happened over the past couple of years. I have so much hurt, anger, fear, frustration built up inside of me that I don't even know where to start to begin to even find a way of letting it all out just to try to start fixing things. Right now, all I need is space to be myself. For the longest time , day in and day out all you would do is yell at me and acuse me of things you really didn't even know about. You're right anger does make you say things that you don't mean and don't want to say...but to be honest with you, that's not really an exuse, because I'm 15 years old, and even I could bite my tounge longer than you ever could. When I didn't, it was because you pushed me to my limits. You pushed my buttons because you knew exactlly what they were. You knew what would happen, you told me to leave, over and over, and I just never had the guts too, because I never thought I would get anywhere, I wouldn't have anyone left, I would be even more miserable. Then it happened, and you now see that there *are* people willing to take me into their arms and try to do their best at protecting me as long as they can, people who do *really* care about me, and will do so for as long as I need, wether it be asked or not. You now see that you shouldn't have done and said the things you did. Mostly..you now see that you were wrong, and that you do need me.

I want to make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't , keep on giving, go on living with the way things are. So I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you say...How far. Out of this chair, just across the room half way down the block, or half way to the moon. How farrrrrrrrr? Do I have to go to make you understand, I want to make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't, keep on giving, go on living with the way things are. So I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you say , I'm gonna walk away, and it's up to you say...how far...........It's up to me now....

Maybe one day things will be ok, maybe they will be just the way I always wanted them to be, maybe ..just maybe one day things will be perfect! But that day isn't today, it won't be tomorrow, and it won't be a day in the next week to come. I love you with all my heart, I do. I always will. Through the fights and the arguments, I always have. But don't you see all the reasons why I can't even talk to you right now? Even now I'm trying to do what you want, to make you happy..talking to you, when really what I NEED what I WANT, isn't to be talking to you, I just want to worry about me. I'm becoming the person you always told me I wasn't. I'm responsiable, I'm honest with myself, I'm caring, I'm dependable, I'm Independent. Wether you said all the things you did out of anger or not, even if that's how you really felt. I still need to be happy for myself, love me, before I can even BEGIN to start thinking about trying to make you happy, by giving you what you want. I need to give myself what I want. I need to give myself what I need, before I can rely on you. If I can again.

There's a chance I might change my mind, but I won't. Not till you decide what you want, what you need, do you even care if I stay or leave. Oh, what's it gonna be

Maybe you really are sorry for telling me to leave, for letting me walk out that door, mayeb you really are sorry..for everything. Doesn't change the fact that Im not ready to help you yet, and I can't tell you when I'm going to be. I'm just begining to just starting to accept it, just beginning to start over and be who I want to be, and just starting to be happy.

There will be days where I don't want to talk at all, and days where I just might need that. But as to when things will be okay again, I don't know. I can't tell you because I don't know. I can't promise you anything, just that I won't totally give up on you.

"I hope you need this now, because I know I sure do, until the day I die, I'll spill my heart for you." what do you say to that?

*sigh*

As confused as I am, as lost as I have ever been in my life, for once I actually have hope, and I have faith, and I have love which is all I need.

The only thing I can't give myself everyday, that I definatly need, is a hug.

On a happy note One Tree Hill is on, and i'm starting to feel better.

~jess

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