Showtunes and dreams
Man, I forgot how much I loved broadway showtunes. I love going to shows on broadway. I was listening to this song called Unusual Way from some musical called "Nine". I dont know what the musical is about but I love the song. Here is some of the lyrics that I fell in love with.

"In a very unusual way
One time I needed you.
In a very unusual way
You were my friend.
Maybe it lasted a day,
Maybe it lasted an hour,
But somehow it will never end.

In a very unusual way
I think I'm in love with you.
In a very unusual way
I want to cry.
Something inside me goes weak.
Something inside me surrenders.
And you're the reason why,
you're the reason why.
You don't know what you do to me,
You don't have a clue.
You can't tell what it's like to be me looking at you.
It scares me so that I can hardly speak.

In a very unusual way
I owe what I am to you.
Thought at times it appears I won't stay,
I'd never go.
Special to me in my life,
Since the first day that I met you.
How could I ever forget you
Once you had touched my soul?

In a very unusual way
You made me whole."

I want to find this song somewhere, for I have only heard a clip of the song. I love musicals and plays. I get caught up in the action and suspense that is involved. I find myself immersed in the love story, wishing that it was true. I dream at night that I am that princess who has finally found her prince charming. The man that will erase all of the pain and tears. If only to be Cinderella and swept off my feet. However, I always wake up, and the harshness of reality only destroys my hopes and whims.

Thats why I love musicals and broadway. There is no real time. There is no reality on stage. Emotion is poured into song and expressed through dance and carefully choreographed movment. Nothing in life is done as beautifully as on stage. Sure, there may be problems and hardships, but good always wins, and love always remains strong. I liked to close my eyes and listen to the love songs. Though I hate to admit it, as I suck at expressing my emotions, I cling desperately to the hopes and perhaps foolish dreams of love. I want to feel like a princess, but how can I if I find no prince charming?

In this day and age, I find realtionships shocking. Who would have thought that there is some 13 years old out there having sex. 13! Its amazing how warped love has become. I hear teenagers claiming that they know what love is. Can that really be true? My mother says that I am too young to know what love is, but how can I tell that to my heart? Is it my innocence that leaves me free to love? I know I sound horribly naive and childish, perhaps a little obsessive, but I think I have fallen in love once. Albiet it was a one sided love. I just cant believe what others say when I know what I feel deep inside. Everyone deserves to find someone to love and be loved by. If anything that is all I want from my life. I could care less for money. I have been thinking a lot about the future and how it will be. Me and my mom went through the attic and my childhood. She wanted to keep some things for when I have my OWN little girl. I desperately want to give her that. It is the saddest thing in the world, looking at your childhood in a box, separating it into piles for trash, garage sale, or ebay. Some of it I cant bear to throw away, but most of it is leaving. I am losing my security blanket. Good bye childhood, here I am, being thrown into adulthood when I'm not even sure I'm ready...

Thoughts From the Odd Person
Wow, it certainly has been a long time since I have written. I have been away at UF for a few days because of Preview. What a load of crap that all was. I was with those damn people from 8am till 9pm!!There was some kind of mixter after that, but me and Hillary, being the antisocial people that we are, did not go. I sat in my room and worked on my schedule. Hillary left for a while and I was by myself for a few hours. I went to bed around 11:30 and she came back around 12ish. She woke me up and I couldnt fall back asleep so we talked till like 2:30am. It was fun. We talked all about college and what it was gonna be like. It was fun, I havent had a long talk with her like that in a long time.

The fist night in Gainesville we went to Allan and Osmonds apartment. They taught us what it was like to "chill". It was funny, Allan was like, this is what it is like to chill in college. I had no problem with that. He got me my very own 6-pack of smirnoff orange twisted and I was very happy. I drank the whole thing in an hour and was drunk of my ass. It may not seem like a lot, but people that know me know that I am a huge light weight. Then again, I also finished Hillary's sisters drink with consisted of 99 apples and cranberry juice. They whole thing was basically alcohol since I made it for her. That is some strong shit, 99 proof. So lets say I was really drunk. I almost fell down 3 flights of stairs, TWICE. If Allan hadnt of been holding my arm I would have fallen. I could not feel my face at all. Well they now all think I am cool and Margaux said she would get me alcohol whenever. Thats pretty sweet. Whats very cool is that I can get super drunk for only $6. *sigh* I cant wait for college.

There are a lot of very cute men at UF. I met this one guy that was on the Preview staff named Ian. Man was that boy hot. Hopefully I can snag me a cute one.

Ok, so its fathers days and I am stuck at home. I really wanted to go to the movies with Jess and Lauren but I feel obligated to spend some time with my dad, since I am leaving for college in like a month and a half. Sucks doesnt it. I hope you guys enjoy your movie WITHOUT me! Bah!

I find out where I am living the first week of July. I cant wait. If I dont get Lakeside I am going to cry. Thats all that I want, Lakeside. God forbid I have to live with another person. I am not fit for human intereaction, as Jessica so eloquently put it. lol. What am I going to do with myself? Damn, I get my IB scores on July 6th. I am sooooo scared to find out what I got. I mean I am terrified. What if I didnt get the diploma?! I would have a nervous breakdown. I went through all that SHIT and I didnt even get the IB diploma. Man that would suck so bad. Please let me get it. If I dont then I have to take all these stupid classes in college. BAH! This better not happen.

Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids
Ho hum, Michelle is a little bored. I dont know what to do. I leave for Gainesville tomorrow and I am kinda excited. I dont know how Preview is gonna be. I am kinda nervous too. I hope Hillary gets to be in my group. I also dont know if I am going to bring my laptop. I think I might. I dont know if I can survive without it. 4 days without a computer might kill me. lol

I still cant get a hold of Hillary. I dont know where her house is in Gainesville, so I need some directions. Im not pyschic ya know? Geez Hill needs to answer her phone once in a while. I was watching Kill Bill I a few minutes ago. Its alright. Its not nearly as violent as every said it was. I didnt think it was the bad. It was kinda boring though. Whatever, blood and violence doesnt really bother me. Should I be worried? Must be all those violent video games I play.

I will write some more later when I have something interesting to say...

[insert thought here]
Um...ya not much new has happened. But I am bored so here I am. I got a letter today from a friend who joined the army. Its weird. I met this guy like, I dont know, like 5 years ago on the internet. He is my age and I have known him and talked to him for that long. Then he told me he was going into basic training and that he wanted to write to me. Its cute, he thinks he loves me. Ugh, I dont know what I feel about that, since I have never actually met him. He is cute though, from the pictures he has sent me of him and his family. Its nice getting letters from him. Still dont know what he was thinking when he decided to join the army. But I love getting mail and I havent had a pen pal in ages. His name is Rob by the way. Ah, whatever...

I leave in a few days for preview at UF. I hope it doesnt suck too much. I hope I get to meet some cute guys if ya know what I mean *smiles* I am getting excited. Maybe I will meet someone when I go there. My mom keeps telling me that I am bound to meet someone. And I know this is going to sound horrible but I dont mean it like it sounds. Hillary went up there and had guys attracted to her. If she can do it I am confident I can too. We are boh much the same. Neither of us extremely beautiful, but certainly not ugly. We are shy when it comes to guys, well I guess I am more so than her. We are both as inexperienced and such. So maybe something will happen and I'll meet a guy. *sigh* I can only hope...

My god, my knees have been fucking hurting. I cant stand it. I have been on the computer a lot and all the sitting is making my knees cramp up. I hate my stupid deformed knee caps. If I sit too long, they hurt. If I stand too long, they hurt. There is no pleasing them. Ugh. stupid knees, if I didnt need them I would just cut them off... Bah!

Bah! and double Bah!
Oh my god, I think i had the MOST embarassing conversation with my mom today EVER. We are at the mall looking for fathers day presents and we walk by this guy standing by a car. (yes a car INSIDE the mall). As soon as we pass him shes like, "ooh I like him! Bring someone home from college like him!" I was like all embarassed but it get far worse. As we walk I tell her not to expect grandkids because I was terminally single. She gets this look in her eye and tells me that I will find him when I get to college. This is where it all goes bad, still walking in the mall mind you....

She looks at me and says, speaking of men we need to talk. I was like oh shit. She starts saying we need to have the TALK. Shes says and I quote, "We need to get you to a doctor to get, you know, the pipes checked out. And I want to get you on you know." I looked at her and was like, "MOTHER!" We are walking through Burdines and she brings up sex. I couldnt believe it. I told her I didnt want to take birth control cuz I would get fatter. She was like, which kinda fat do you wanna be? A little bigger or pregnant? I still cant believe this all happened in the mall.

On the way home she proceeds to tell me to start getting alone with my dad. He's gonna miss you ya know? she says to me. I didnt believe it. Well at least not until the heartfelt talk I had with him a few minutes ago. I went in my parents room to get a razor, had to shave the beastly legs ya know. He was in there and busts out with why do I have to go so far to college. Ugh. I did not want to have this conversation. But I was nice. I was so proud of myself. I had a civil conversation with my father without either of us raising our voices. Go me!! I dont feel like writing down what happened. I want to go watch my movie. Everyone should see BIG FISH. This will be time number 3 for me. Ok bye now...

Warning, hopeless romantic ahead...
Ok, I dont know why I do this to myself. Since I am a horrible bump on a log sitting alone in my room I find myself doing a lot of reading. I got myself all depressed again. All these stories that I am reading, in books and even on the internet, all have these wonderful romantic plots where the love birds always end happy. I find myself dreaming, wishing, that I could have that one day. But who am I kidding, is there any guy out there that is THAT romantic? I havent met him yet.

I want someone to tell me that they love me. I want to hear that I am beautiful. That someone wants to make ME happy. What would I give to find someone to fill this void inside of me. But its hopeless. I am not a damsel in a novel waiting for her knight in shining armor. I am just little old Michlle, and old maid at 18. I keep thinking that maybe someone is waiting to meet me, someone that was meant just for me. Maybe someday our paths will cross, that our eyes will meet and we'll know. I so desperately want to believe in love and that there is someone out there for everyone. Soul mates. What a pretty thought. I find it harder to believe in that each passing day. I hope things change when I go to college. Maybe I will meet mister right in college. Maybe he will be waiting for me at Preview next week. Or maybe I'll have to wait a year and that special guy will transfer to UF, just like his brother said. Maybe he will come find me after all.

I dont know. I keep thinking I am too young to be having these desires. For wanting someone to be with. I mean I am only 18. But then I think how my mom was only 19 when she got married. I havent even had a boyfriend yet. I am scared that I am going to miss out. What if the time passes and I truly am left alone. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I cant stand not knowing what is going to happen to me. What am I going to do? What will I do with myself you may ask? Well, I guess I will continue to read these horribly romantic books and keep hoping that one day MY prince charming will show up. I want the impossible. I want to live a fairy tale. But I know fairy tales dont happen for me. There is no happy ending for me....

Bah!!
Well its now almost 2am and I am still up. What a sorry loser am I! Oh well I cant sleep so I figured Id do some typing.

Went to see Harry Potter today with Jessica. Lots of fun. Oh and thats ok about giving me a heart attack, lets just not do it all the time. Dont hesitate to give me another if you have too ;)

Lunch was tasty, but we are such losers. We cannot even decide on a restaurant. We went to Fridays simply beause it was friday. Oh well still good food, except our waiter was kinda annoying. Then we had to wait a MILLION years in the sub arctic temperatures for our stupid check because the power went out and the computers went crazy. This is when we went to the movies to see Harry Potter. We opted to go to the later movie so we could be the first ones in the theater. Do not mock us and out patheticness, we got the best damn seats in the house. Take that!! The movie would have been awesome if I didnt know any better. If I hadnt read the book I would have been soooo lost. I loved the movie, but they butchered it. They cut out so many important parts. I cannot believe how much they didnt explain. So advice to all you movie-goers, read the damn books and stop being lazy. The movies are not accurate.

Got home, ate some pizza and started reading Harry Potter 5 again. I forgot a lot of the book so its like I am reading it for the first time. I already read a good chunck of the book. I dont know how long I was sitting there reading that book, but I always do that when I get into a good book...

Ok, so I have been thinking about college and stuff and about what I am going to do. I want to join some club or organization. Me and Hillary are seriously thinking about joining the fencing team.It sounds like a lot of fun and also, WHO DOES THAT?! I mean how cool would that be. And a great pick up line. I could be like "Hey, I fence." Guys would be all over that. LOL maybe not...I just wanted to do something different. My mom suggests keeping up with dance but I am hesitent. I have been dancing for 14 years. I wanna try something new. We looked up synchronized swimming, but they are too serious and practice like everyday. Plus, I would have to wear a bathing suit. Bad idea. Maybe I will go out for the school paper or something. That would be fun. I love to write. And typing is fun.

I am determined to take Japanese in college. It sounds like so much fun. Hillary told me that her cousin took it in college and liked it. I could so see myself doing it. My mom said it suits me. How fucking awesome would it be to speak Japanese?! I could actually watch some of my anime without subtitles! I can already say some basic things like good morning (ohayou) and sorry (gomen). Here are some other cool things I can say.

Ohayou gazaimasu. Watashi wa Michelle desu. Daijobu ka? (Good morning. My name is Michelle. Are you alright?)

Haha how are those skills? I am sooo gonna speak and write Japanese. And you all are going to be jealous ;)

I cant wait to find out where I am going to be living this coming year. I am especially curious as to WHO I will be living with. But they dont tell you any of this until like 2 weeks before you come. What a drag. I dont really want to go to Preview either. They split you up from you parents and friends and they you have to get to know you group. Hillary told me that you play a whole bunch of ice breakers to get to know people. I HATE getting to know people. I am perfectly happy being an anti social pathetic drain on society (lol jessica you are going to get many more phone calls with me being a loser outside...) Bah! I am going to be so embarassed and flustered the whole time. I get all stupid around people I dont know. This is going to be just peachy.

Its already 2:18am. Why am I still up you may ask? Well no you may not ask! Just playing, I am very cranky when I am tired. I cant sleep. Hmm, maybe I will watch a movie. That reminds me. We HAVE to have our movie night Jessica. I want to watch Donnie Darko and Lost in Translation. Those are kick ass movies. Cant forget Chicken Run either. (But I dont want to be a pie!) Haha I make myself laugh. This is so sad. How long is this freaking entry anyways? Have I said anything of importance? Geez, I hope no one is wasting their time reading this filth. Seriously I cant believe I am still typing. Ok I am done babling. Dont know what I am going to do tomorrow, but I am going to try and get some sleep. Who know, maybe I will get lucky...

pointless
Why do I bother waking up in the morning. I do absolutely nothing, I am a waste of space and good air. Grr! I have been having the worst trouble sleeping lately. I seem to have been struck with a bout of insomnia. I was up until 4am last night. I was so frustrated I wanted to cry. I was so tired, my eyes burned with the desire to sleep, but it was denied me. It has been this way for a week. It is driving me insane. I cant keep my mind from leaping to other thoughts. I hate it. I keep thinking about trivial things, sometimes deeper things, and sometime things that bring tears to my eyes...

One of my thoughts last night, around 2:30am, was about him again. Yes, I too thought he was gone from my mind, but I guess not. I keeping thinking how much I regret the way things ended. Toward the end I never really talked to him. I didnt tell him how I felt and I think that will haunt me for some time. I think I will always regret the way I treated that situation. But I guess I will never lay eyes on him again. God, that makes my chest tight.

I started the Princess Bride last night when I figured sleep was futile. I started and finished The Hanging Wall yesterday. It was very good and I couldnt seem to put it down. It was only 348 pages so I polished that off quickly. The Princess Bride is proving quite enjoyable. It is the abriged version and I love the little side notes by the man that edited it. He takes out the more boring parts and describes them in a satircal manner. It is very amusing. I was also pleased that much of the dialogue is the same that was used in the movie. I am glad they stayed true to the novel. One descrepancy though, in the book there are no shrieking eels. In the book they are merely sharks. How disappointing...

Bah!
So another day. I actually woke up early this morning. Thats because I had to mail some things. I cant wait till my cd comes. I ordered this cd by Dir en Grey titled Gauze. They are a hardcore Japanese rock band. I heard this one song, Cage, and fell in love. The lyrics are in japanese but they are hauntingly beautiful. I read the translations and I adore the morbid writings. Cant wait till I take Japanese and actually understand all of it.

I went to Barnes and Noble today and bought 2 cds, the Shrek 2 soundtrack and a cd by Frou Frou. I love her song Let Go. Its awesome, tune into it sometime. I met the cute guy that was there the same day we did that scavenger hunt. Let me tell you he is still looking fine and I noticed his name was Ken. He was very scrum!

I started the process of cleaning/throwing things out. I got tired of it though and punked out halfway through. So I still have very far to go. *Sigh* I feel like I am throwing away my past. Its very depressing getting rid of things that I used to adore, now I must get rid of because I have no room. Good bye childhood. I will miss you dearly...

Well I got a stack of books today from the library. I finished my other books, which were divine!! I got Debt of Bones by Terry Goodkind, Beyond the Hanging Wall by Sara Douglas, and the original Princess Bride by S. Morgenstern. I have always wanted to read the Princess Bride. I have always loved the movie, so I picked up the book when I passed by it in the library. Ahh I love books. Have to feed my crazy book monkey. He gets mad when there is nothing to read. Very cranky. Bah I have nothing more to say, I am just rambling...

party party party
So much fun was had last night. Me and hillary car pooled to the last bunch of Grad parties last night. First we went to Fran's house, who by the way lives out in the fucking boonies. That was fun, the punch was very tasty. But the best party was Kiera's. We went to her house about 9:30pm and the party was going. They had a really good band and lots and lots of alcohol. Mmmm. The weird part though was that there were a lot of old people, I think they were Kieras family. It was so funny. Kieras parents were soooo drunk. Kim Dunn is so funny when she is drunk, although very annoying with that damn camera.

What was so weird though was that everyone knew us kids were drinking. Shit I had her uncle I think making me a fucking screwdriver. Kieras younger brother Chase was so drunk too. I never thought Id see a family that got drunk together. I guess there is a first for everything.

I had such a good time. There were some really cute guys there, I especially loved Robin. I kinda liked him before, but I got to know him last night. He was so distraught that he didnt know who I was. I was like, dude I went to your school. He was so funny cuz he was so upset that he didnt recognize me. He was so nice. Nothing impresses me more than a guy that will take care of a drunk girl instead of trying to take advantage of her. Robin took great care of me and Hillary and was really nice. Took away my alcohol though and gave me water though. Bah!

So yea it was an eventful night. Much fun and laughs. Funny thing though, I woke up the earliest I ever have since I have been out of school. I woke up at Kiera's around 6 or 6:30am and was home by 8:30am. I had to wait for Hillary to wake up. Strange, so this is what the morning looks like. Its not so great...

put me out of my misery
Ahh another day another dollar I havent earned. Feels nice to be a total drain on society. Currently consuming the biggest pixie stick I have ever seen. Its very tasty and kinda giving me a sugar high. Mmmm artificially flavored candy crap.... So how is everyone out there? huhuh? *sigh* No one listens to me :(

Somebody call me and get me out of this house. I need a reason to go out. Hmm, maybe a movie, always love the movies. Todays friday isnt it? Damn we was suppose to have our beach party tonight. Guess thats not going to happen. Cracker Jacks! Slowy going insane. Yea school is officially out for summer and now my friends can come play with me!! That is if they still remember poor old me. Guess I'll see if I can rouse up someone to entertain me... not likely.