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:: 2003 7 December :: 4.21 pm

Icon
I need a new icon, if your lizabeth you should understand,a dn no i still need to finish that story before christmas, i'm just moving on, I might obsses a tad still but it's hard with out s to obsses with and no news from the obssesee... hmmmm any idea? I might think of some later but at the moment i'm trying to keep my head from blowing up while doing homework... and i need to clean my room, dang.

Lizabeth, interesting thoughts, you'd be suprised at how many secerts i ahve that aren't important any more but i still don't tell any one, not even you. But for some reason i got a STABBING headache when i read you entry... not sure why.

I need to rant about brothers and sisters some time again...

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:: 2003 6 December :: 4.53 pm

Invisible
OK last year i was not on the list for wind ensamble for both concerts! SHE FORGOT ME AGAIN!!!! I had to write my name in on a phone chain list, so i'll wait and see if i'm actaully on the program. And then i was reading the school newsletter lookign at the list of kids on the principal's list, i wasn't there either! So i went over and looked at my report card and i ddi get principal's list they just didn't write me down. I wasn't even listed under the honor roll! In fact no one with a last name t-z was listed for principal's list but i'm still amd at them. What is it with me. For some reason when people are making lists they over look me. Is it my last name? Do they hate me? But i always get on all the bad lists... that i deserve to be on. I ahve never been blamed for something i haven't done... yet. And people always think I'm inearly act too. It's a nice group but I"VE NEVER BEEN IN IT!!! Argh i hate people and life in general at the moment.

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:: 2003 1 December :: 9.00 pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: nothing... headache

Cutting
Cutting... I really have no position on this. One of the few things i don't have a position on. I mean I never really thought about it before this year. I mean whenever i had heard about it before it was along wiht the wornds bad , and don't do it. That seems like the best way to get some one to do something. Say they can't do it, or shouldn't. It's like drugs people dabble in it just because adults say you shouldn't.
See i'm being really random. My friend thinks that i don't think of cutting as serious but i just see it differently. For some reason when i think of it it makes me think of people just seeing if they can hurt themselves and that this is real. I mean just on a note have you ever purposely drawn blood? I bet not. It's hard... random experiments with lips... don't ask. I never understood how people could hate life so much that they can actually draw blood let alone enough of it to bleed to death. But i have some friends who are sorta making me see. Which brings me back to my fairy tale world. my life is like perfect compared to some i know and i think I'll have it really hard in the real world.
No idea why i really decided to start thinking about why people cut... sometimes it still doesn't make sense. And until only recently i remembered my brother cut, not sure if he used it to cope, he was bored, or her wanted a scar... no idea. But it was a pretty like red scab. I'm learning all these new things about my brother and sometimes it seems like i'm following so much in his footsteps. I even remember him wanting me to. I was like 12 or something and he asked me when i was oging to get drunk or something. Man... do i really want to be like my brother? I mean i love himand all but... being like him seems a little extreme. No idea why. He's told me he dabbled in drugs and that he had a fake id for alcohol. I even smelt it on his breath sometimes. And he smoked. I'm also pretty sure he's not a virgin, whihc actually isn't particulary suprising with his personality and this society. I mean it seems like his idea was to try everything before he got too old. He was really the one who makes me not want to be a perfect little angel, adn to dare to do new things. He's the one who got me into punk adn metal. The one who has the gamin platforms that while i don't play while he isn't here enjoy playing with him. He let me stick my head out of a moving car. That's one of the best things he did for me, along with making me tough. Altough he still thinks i'm a wimp. He would like be scared at how wimpy some of the kids in my school are. I wish he was here so he could drive the pick up with me in the bed. I'm not sure if he'll want to do that when he comes home because i don't know how the army will change him. Though it hadn't really changed him when i went to visit. It just made him appreciate things more.
This entry seems so long but i know it is one of my shorter ones. It's not even a rant it's more like... an essay i guess. Oh well i need to do stuff... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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:: 2003 23 November :: 9.49 pm
:: Mood: dorky

TV To real life
You know how on Tv shows there always seems to be a sleep over and of course they play truth or dare. And of course some one calls their crush. It always happens. Or they switch it in for the lovable 'ever been kissed' or both in some cases. And then a girl calls her crush, mostly the popular boy or the hot boy adn he's not there and someone else picks up or he does pick up adn she says something stupid like hey adn then she hangs up adn they all scream....

I just had a moment like that. Sure i'm in my own house with just myself here... no one but my parents adn that doesn't make a great party. And i wasn't playing truth or Dare I did it by choice... well sorta. I'd said the C's away message that i'd call him just watch me. So it's Sunday night 9:35 pm and i finally call him though iwas going to saturday.

It was embrassing. I felt like i should of had a bunch of shreiking and giggling girls behind me. And i was really random, It wasn't even like a normal conversation. We talked a bit about report cards with out ever getting in to grades adn then he went to sleep. It was like some weird forced onto phone im. I even thought it was his mom who had picked up.

So Tv does imitate life... just differently. SO minus the gaggle of girls, party, adn stupid game I was just in a TV show. Though i'm sure some where in this weird time parodox of retro culture some group of kids is doing that, be it in some small town(kiwi logic) it's happening.

I'm embrassed and totally annoyed at TV...

Stupid words.

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:: 2003 21 November :: 10.01 pm
:: Mood: bouncy

Dances
So I just got back from a dance. A Scum/BB dance. It was fun but I'll be sore tomorrow. I'm still suprised i didn't fall down or faint or anything. So it was good, except C danced with AD, ie not me. Stupid crushes. And it was a slow dance... but they weren't dancing very slow. Then i was happy again because R and i slow danced through the whole crowd. During a GC song i got up on the speaker and i was head banging, i almost fell off though. Bad thing then I saw a preppie head banging. I went to the bathroom a couple times. And then there was the whole S thing where she was reallymad at a dude adn was like trying to scare him... with a safety pin... which i made her keep closed. My bladder sucks, nough said. I hate big breast I can't jump as High. I swear the whole world would see my breasts goind up and down then, stupid bra.

All in all it was fun and i probably burnt more calories than i did all week. Only bad thing lack of c, but i got to dance... near him once or twice.

heheh dirty dancing is fun.

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:: 2003 12 November :: 4.20 pm
:: Mood: discontent

Mad
Why do people not tell other people why they are mad at them? It makes no sense. Because if one person gets mad at another and doesn't tell the other person why and then the other person can't fix it and gets mad because they think the other person is mad for no reason/ just doesn't like them! That's one of the ways a lot of good friendships end!
Whenever k adn I got mad at each other we always knew why and we've been friends since 4th grade(it now being 8th). And another thing that can happen is it creates resentment, one is really sad, anothers mad and no one knows why!!! WHAT THE FUDGE!!!!!! It should be a rule at our table to tell each other WHY you are mad! And screw you A! I only want to help but you're being totally irrational! N doesn't even know your mad! i hope R can get it out of you, that's what she's best out, getting things out of people. I'm just here to let you take your anger out on you and *cough* keep you in line.

And being mad is a waste of time, i know sometimes you have to be and k and I deffiently are soemtimes. But we uaually solve it by nto talking for a day or so. Then it blows over. A has a simialr tatic cept it made N cry which makes us all involved so it's never gonna work, so just tell us freaking WHY!!!!!

AGRHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Plus i hate it when some one makes a journal, puts it in their profile then writes like it is private, or acts that way.

Kiwi

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:: 2003 30 September :: 7.55 pm

second thought
Maybe i'm taking it the wrong way. I still feel sick but it's sort of comforting to think i might have gotten him all wrong. I can only hope. Hope that I was wrong and I don't puke.

2 rebuttals | response?

:: 2003 30 September :: 7.41 pm

Talk
I need to talk to liz so badly. I feel like I'm going to cry r puke. It sorta hurts. I it makes me feel really bad. Besides making me feel stupid, I feel like I'm forever going to but he won't know and it isn't mutal.

Plus there is this stuff. I am playing a game and well then I have to do Homework. And guess what I like ben and jerry is not going out with ben. My heart hopes for ben's sake it works out and it lasts but then my heart aches sso much and well I think that Jerry is very lucky. I still hjave a crush on shortcake. ( all code names)

I like ben and ben is going out with jerry and they'll make carmel sutra...hahaha....you will have to know sutra...but i still like her and well i also like shortcake.....I'lll never tell who they are hahaha...... www.blurty.com/users/ihatelove...
.. haha ....i want so tender love!

and 1. **** ***** I love her
2. ****** ***** she likes me for myself
3. ***** ******* she is fun to be around
4. ***** ******* she is a really good friend
5. ***** ******* she is a really good person and is perfect
6. ******* ******** she always has fun and enjoys my humor
7. ****** ****** she is cool and is fun to be around
8. **** ******** she is the person i would liked to be stranded on a island
9. ***** ****** She likes me for me and is not afraid to know it
10. **** ****** Best ever all around

I'm not sure what to think but I feel sorta crushed already though I have no idea why. If I cry will it be worthless. Will is do any good. Well just wrote a poem. But i feel no better. I sorta wish i'd never seen that. Now i feel bad. I feel just like curling up adn forgeting about school. Though that's not an option. Dang it why is LIz never on when i need her!!!

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:: 2003 25 September :: 7.33 pm
:: Mood: creative
:: Music: Do i ever listen to music?

Ok MG is not at the school anymore. One it's really sad. Two I don't get anymore dreams about him. Three we have no Di manager or newspaper advisor... And four It's a lot harder to get him my story.

You know i sorta wish i knew how to flirt... because then i would know if I ever was... Which i don't want to. Lalalala Not much else today. I sorta wish liz was on.

2 rebuttals | response?

:: 2003 27 August :: 10.31 pm

> Well if you put up a sign in more places than just your shop maybe I and many others would have known, but if I am not mistaken you were looking for people who were willing to take on a job, not offend them. I'm sorry I did not look in your shop but if you are the owner then you are responsible for other people seeing your notice. Maybe you should put one by the jobs so people know they are not qualified. I think if you want anyone to apply for one of your jobs you should learn how to deal with others and what to say and how to say it. I didn't appreciate the way I was treated. I'm not trying come across rude, I am simply trying to say that you should think about how you come across to others. Maybe next time you will remember this e-mail and not ruin someone else's day.
> Thank you for your time and there is no need for a reply. Please just take in to consideration this e-mail.

OK first off this is more like a service than anything else a way to let people in the guild Neopian First Aid so they can earn a little more moeny. I do not profit from the jobs I give people. I don't get anything from running this account! I like the help people! And I DO have it in more than one place. There is a blog in which the council members write in to informs the guild of changes we have made. There is an entry in there about jobs only being available to people with 50 messages or more. At the point we came up with that I felt that the job agency was being taken advantage of by people we didn't care about being active and the other people in the guild and just wanted to make some money. I brought it up to the leader adn she agreed so at that point we decided that someone who had 50 messages or more should be allowed a job. That will probably change in the near future because we are changing our system of promotion. The reason it is in my shop is because I thought people would go look adn see what jobs were available before requesting one. So i put that notice up in bright red at the very top, for I thought surely it will be notcied there. On the guild page there is a link to the job agency which is my shop. So I'm very curious why it should be in more places that it is now, which is two sometimes three. And I was also trying not to offend you but be firm yet not overly mean at the same time. And i'm not resonsible for people seeing the notice they themselves are, because you are really the first person to react quite like this. I mean every once in a blue moon I would get someone not in the guild or with under 50 messages and they would say sorry maybe or just not reply at all. And when you say by the jobs do you mean the jobs UNDER the bright red notice in my shop? Well i thought it would redundent. And i really don't think you should be telling me how to deal with people, most don't complain about someone offereing them money for minimal work, and usually i'm a really nice person. It's when someone shots their mouth off that i'm not so nice. And I wasn't that rude to you. And if you don't apperciate how you were treated imagine how I feel. Your not the first one to complain, but the first to complain about this. And I have to deal with people who are not active in the guild trying to get money a bunch. OH I ruined your day? I'm sorry but really I wasn't that rude, i won't say anything about you but it doesn't seem lke something that should ruin a day. Someone complaining about a free service that gives you money, yes that could ruin a day. And, believe me, I do think about how I come across to people, but I can only acocunt for so much. It really depends on how youy read words to how you think the come across. In my letter if I had read it alound it would have been a normal flat voice, like a regular conversation. I'm not sure how you read it though. You weren't rude in the wording yourself but the whole neomail was slightly miffing because I do not profit from the jobs I hand out.

Sorry for any miscommuintication that may of happened. I would like to tell you some things. These are just the facts, no emotion. I do not profit from the jobs I hand out from this account. It is a service the guild has for active members. I was almost postive everyone would see my notice (sorry if you missed it). I have the notice in at least two places. I was trying very hard not to be rude. Sorry if you misread it. And please if you want to complain do it in a journal or to a friend, because it is sort of miffing that a person will tell you these things that you were certain were obvious.

Just a note, you can read any set of words as rude, but that may not be how the person meant it. I do know what I am talking about and please do not blame me for ruining your day I was just trying to get information across in a neutral way.

Sorry for any miscommuintication that may of happened. I would like to tell you some things. These are just the facts, no emotion. I do not profit from the jobs I hand out from this account. It is a service the guild has for active members.

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:: 2003 25 August :: 6.53 pm
:: Mood: Sweaty

Argh
Ok so first NYC was great i had lots of fun at the museum adn on the train adn walking in the park... latough my feet hurt really bad afterwards.

Ok so again today i was working outside from around... 3:00 to 6:45 ish and i took a break for a total of 30 minutes at most. SO first of all it is hot and hard working out there and I've been doing it for a while today, and i'm all dirty and sweaty. So after maybe 2 hours my mom comes out to help. So at first she is helpful but then my dad and I move along and she continues to work in one spot saying the grass won't grow there. And she has been working at the spot ever since. And it is really annoying because she is just there not really doing anything useful. So a little bit before i decided to call it a day there are like five piles of grass and rock for me to scoop up with the shovel. I'm getting really tired so i go over ot get and drink adn ask nicely for my mom to help me. She says she would rather rake then shovel. Ok so i replied yeah but dad is fine shoveling but i need help scooping. And she just sort of acts all huffy and says no that she is doing something over there! Come on! I needed help, I'd been doing it longer than her and she was really just wasting time and not doing anything so strenuous. And that just ticked me off. Plus my mom has really annoying lately. Like she kept asking me about a phone call from my soccer coach, I told her and she said i didn't say that. Yes I did. It's just like when she says she said something and I say she didn't, so after i bring that up she shuts up. Gaaaaaaa, why is she being so annoying!!!

You know in past years i haven't done anything on tuesdays, but this year I have 3 things! Pah, just pah!

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:: 2003 19 August :: 9.32 pm
:: Mood: dirty

Blackout
OK the big deal the are making out of the black out bothers me. They are saying it is the biggest disaster since 9/11. That is such BS. Come on! Hundreds of people died that day and you're comparing that to a blackout!!!!!!!!! OK sure there were some deaths but the count isn't even close to the WTC deaths! I think that is horrbile that these people are over playing it so much. It wasn't such a horrible thing. I've lived through blackouts! It's not that bad. You have to eat food fast or they go bad, adn entertain yourself without a computer or TV!!!! It is not that much of a hardship. In the places that couldn't get water, that is a different story, but the news channel was talking about NYC not the other places. For those that could not get water that was hard and it was a big thing but i still don't think it compares to 9/11... of course i found out about it from the same source both times. My old math teacher from 6th grade... weird. But people are soo sad. And if you don't have enough food in your fridge to last you TWO STINKING days you are so not prepared for a real emergancy. Really.

So i found out my team and homeroom class for next year. I already knew which team i was gonna be on though, so it wasn't any big suprise. I'm happy because a bunch of my friends are on my team... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeeeeeeee
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeeeeeeee
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeeeeeee. I'm going to NYC on thursday... CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!!! I get to see Liz again... when did i last see her... don't remeber...

Oh well i'm done for the night.

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:: 2003 14 August :: 4.04 pm
:: Mood: accomplished
:: Music: Buzzing of the 'puter

Avator!
Muahahahahahahaha! Ok so his face was freaking me and my friends out... so i fixed the problem! I had made an avator for deviant art with all these squiggles and then written words like insanity, confusion, aggravation. And played around with it to make it look neat oh. Well i did sort of the same thing. I made a new application twice as large, made a balck outline, filled it in with light purple, then drew sguiggles with light pastels, then picked out some qualites of him and made it look funky. Then i saved it Closed it then opened his pic, opened the application i had just made, copied it and pasted it as a new layer and TADA!!!!!! No more scary mg face!!! You know he was in one of my dreams recently, he came back, i thought the cruise had gotten rid of him but he came back! Lalalala.

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