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fadingintoblue
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2005 3 April :: 3.32pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Suzanne Vega
Leadership
This weekend was...interesting. There were good parts and bad parts.
The bad:
The girls in my cabin were more interested in guys than anything else, and were relentlessly annoying ("omg, they didn't even check our bags, we so should have brought alchohol!"...and they were serious). Plus my cabin turned into the party cabin, so we had tons of guys and other preppy (can't think of another word) idiots in our cabin at all times. Also, the workshops were crap. I know about goal setting. We did it in Girl Scouts. I didn't need another several hours on it. And I kinda bounced around alone for the better part of the thing feeling like I made a mistake in going. Plus I was the oldest person there, and almost everyone else was a junior.
The good:
I finally found interesting people halfway into yesterday. So even though the dance (there was a dance, gah) was crappy, I had people to play with in the backroom. It was pretty fun, actually, and I made some friends, and I flirted with a guy, and acted very social. I had people to sit with on the bus on the way back, and I might actually keep in touch with Johnny and Diana.
I'm tired now, I got very little sleep. I'm not sure I'm happy I went, but at least it wasn't a total wash.
2 rebuttals |
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fadingintoblue
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2005 31 March :: 10.40pm
:: Music: Suzanne Vega
Wow
This song is wonderful. I didn't realize how good it was from the 30 second samples online, and I didn't listen to it in the car the other day because I didn't realize I would want to. Just...wow. I love finding wonderful things like this. I'm ready to make this my new theme song (because I of course already have a theme song, ha).
"Solitude Standing"
Solitude stands by the window
She turns her head as I walk in the room
I can see by her eyes she's been waiting
Standing in the slant of the late afternoon
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
Solitude stands in the doorway
And I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
By her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
And she says "I've come to lighten this dark heart"
And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
And I say "I've never thought of finding you here"
I turn to the crowd as they're watching
They're sitting all together in the dark in the warm
I wanted to be in there among them
I see how their eyes are gathered into one
And then she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
And she says "I've come to set a twisted thing straight"
And she says"l've come to lighten this dark heart"
And she takes my wrist, I feel her imprint of fear
And I say "I've never thought of finding you here"
Solitude stands in the doorway
And I'm struck once again by her black silhouette
By her long cool stare and her silence
I suddenly remember each time we've met
And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split with a flower with a flame
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fadingintoblue
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2005 30 March :: 8.51pm
:: Mood: I'm not sure
:: Music: Suzanne Vega
Today
Today was nice. Six hours. Interesting things were said. My car went everywhere. I have a good CD now, and some more beads, and some fruit leather. I also have some things to ponder. I like spending time with Katie. But I definitely think too much. I wish I could just take things at face value, I wish I could stop worrying about how things might change.
And this is stupid, but I keep hoping that I'll randomly meet someone. It would be wonderful to go to this leadership weekend and meet my soulmate and finally start dating...but that's just wishful thinking. I'll probably spend half the time feel suicidal and inadequate. Plus a weekend isn't really long enough to really meet someone. I can still be wishful. I know I'm going to be careful not to bring anything sharp.
I'm also trying to write poetry, and I know what I'd like to write, but it's not really working. Mostly because I don't want to pick up a pencil and try. I don't feel like a poet. I feel like a fake, someone who only thinks she can write. I'm afraid of mangling the English language beyond recognition. And I'm getting jealous of other people's (hello Katie) writing because I haven't really written anything I like lately. Maybe I'm just too hard on myself. Maybe I'm really the best poet after Emily Dickinson. But I'm skeptical.
So far, the only thing I know I'm good at is standardized tests. Everything else I suck at, including coordination, solving things, and interpersonal relationships.
1 rebuttal |
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fadingintoblue
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2005 28 March :: 7.13pm
:: Mood: I like jelly beans
:: Music: Tom's Diner remix
I love having time off because it gives me time to recharge and get things done. I hate having time off because I usually end up using that time to procrastinate and eat candy while silmultaneously withdrawing from everything until the break is over.
So far this vacation I have:
Been to the mall in search of hiking boots (found plenty of "hiking" boots, but I really don't think anything with spiky heels should count as a hiking boot)
Finished a really good, very long, fantasy trilogy
Had Easter in the usual place
Eaten jelly beans (mmmm)
Learned how to do something new with seed beads (ladder stitch; I made a ring)
Procrastinated
Looked over almost everything I've written this school year and deemed it either too crappy or too personal for the Muse
And that's about it. So, basically, I've done nothing. Although I'm enjoying this song, I think I need to buy a Suzzanne Vega album.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 16 March :: 9.43pm
OMG
Larissa applied to Goucher.
Larissa got into Goucher.
Larissa might have been going to Goucher...but she got the same aid letter I did today. Only her's was just about empty. She didn't get any need based aid, and she didn't get any sort of merit scholarship. She can't afford to go.
I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so (etc) relieved. If she was going, I wouldn't go. It sounds stupid, that I would give up a dream just because she would be there. But I feel that strongly about her. ANY other (and I really mean any) person in my grade could go, and I would still attend. She is the one person I cannot stand to spend any more time around no matter what. Maybe if Goucher was a big school, like Rutgers...but it's barely bigger than SHS. It looks like she's going either to some random school in PA, or some random school in MD (far away from Towson, thank everything).
And thank goodness I'm smarter than her. Because if I wasn't, she might have gotten a merit scholarship like I did, and she'd probably be going there. For once, her inerit stupidity is working in my favor.
I nearly had a heart attack when my mother told me (Larissa's mom went over and sat with her during the concert I just got back from). Thank everything she's not actually going there.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 16 March :: 3.43pm
:: Mood: good
Yay!
I got financial aid from Goucher! $10,000 a year need-based grant, plus the $10,000 scholarship they told me about earlier. $20,000 a year. They also offered loans and a work study, though I'm going to try and avoid the loans (and maybe the workstudy for the first year until I'm comfortable enough to get a job).
This means I can go. No one's come up to me and told me that yet (no one even knows I got this letter yet), but I don't care. My one grandmother said she could cover $15,000. Tution, fees, room and board, and estimated costs for books, travel, and personal items equal about $38,450. That only leaves $3,450 a year that needs to be covered. Even if my parents can't give me a dime, I can cover some of it with the $1,200 a year I can make with workstudy, and the rest with the money I've saved (about $1000 at present, but I'll have over $2000 after working this summer, and I can always save more of what I make if I have to). Plus I have a $5000 CD, and some random educational fund my grandpa set up, and another grandma (thank you!).
So, basically, I'm going to Goucher. It's three hours away, in a cool area, and it's definitely attractive (in so many ways). Yay!
EDIT: My mother came home and pointed out that the $15,000 might be for both me AND Jennie (who costs $20,000 a year), but that might also be per semester. And Jen has a $9,000 CD, which is good. But she says I can go, and if I have to do it with loans, oh well.
1 rebuttal |
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fadingintoblue
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2005 14 March :: 9.31pm
I almost always have a song stuck in my head. And it's usually tied pretty well to my mood. For example, I had "Sunshine go away today" (or whatever the song is that has that line) stuck in my head for weeks after my grandpa died, even though I didn't really cry for him or express much outward sadness.
Right now I have "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne stuck in my head. It's been there since the weekend. It's not exactly an example of stellar songwriting, but it's fairly descriptive:
I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.
What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
Talking to Katie today reminded me just how little time I spend happy. I said about every three weeks, which is actually more than I'm happy during the winter. It's so stupid. I've tried adjusting my attitude, but there's only so low my expectations can go, and it hasn't made me happier. I should probably see a therapist, but I honestly don't think that would help.
It's stupid to dwell on this. I'm actually not unhappy today (a few spurts, but generally happy or neutral). I don't know why I can't get rid of the song. Playing it over and over again probably isn't helping (I don't own it, but I can listen to it off of aol). I have an essay to write.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 12 March :: 3.31pm
Hehe, I was just reading those last two entries, it's amusing. Basically tiny things make me happy and tiny things make me depressed...I feel like a tempermental weathervane.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 11 March :: 10.22pm
:: Mood: irrational
Every tiny things makes me upset. It's funny, actually, in a stupid pathetic sort of way. I take every single opportunity available to hate myself. I have insanely high standards. And then I wonder why I'm unhappy.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 9 March :: 5.20pm
I love how little things make me happy. Like Barrett refering to me as his friend today. And feeling comfortable. Today was nice at lunch. I used to feel really incomplete without Christina, because she was the one I talked to the most. Now I spend most of my time talking to Barrett (or, rather, he talks and I add witty comments and occasionally rant about things while he very nicely pretends to care), and it's nice. He's amusing.
And there were other little nice things today too. It was a completely average day, except for these tiny things, but it's made such a difference.
Plus I did my gold award flyer. That might be part of it.
This entry doesn't have much of a point. Basically I just feel normal. Slightly happy, optimistic, energized (despite not being able to sleep again lately). It's nice.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 7 March :: 9.13pm
Things lately
Play on Friday was fun. Got depressed anyway.
Went to musuem in Spanish Harlem with Grandma, sister, and uncles. Saw pretty paintings, saw the Central Park gates (pretty orange fabric), ate at a Puerto Rican restaurant that had no menus and a waitress that didn't speak English. Discovered that my youngest uncle speaks pretty decent Spanglish. Still happy that someone in the kitchen spoke English.
Had dinner with Jennie at a nice restaurant with gift certificate. Tried escargot, very chewy.
Went shopping on Sunday. Got bras...stupid chest shrinking and forcing me to get new ones. Got new shoes (black and sneakerish).
Had several hours of forced family interaction Sunday afternoon to Sunday night with (paternal) Grandma and Aunt. Got guilt-tripped about not visiting more often. Got criticized for stupid things, including eating too many carrots and not writing scholarship essays yet. Got depressed. Parents stressed out, started fighting over stupid things in the car, was very happy I had my mp3 player to drown out the silence.
And today pretty much sucked.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 5 March :: 4.48pm
one of the more annoying surveys i've actually filled out
95 questions if you're BORED | Created by xsindeex and taken 4701 times on bzoink! | | So, what's your name? | Beth/Liz/Lizabeth | | Age? | 18 | | Race/ethnicity? | caucasian | | Thinking right now? | um | | Well if it's nothing, should we begin? | ok | | On relationships... | | Anyway...crush? | not really | | Got one? | ...I thought I just answered that... | | Are you going to tell me their name? | | | Are you single? | yes | | Are you taken? | no | | Why are you single if you are? | because i'm not taken | | If you're taken, who's the lucky guy/girl? | | | Do you think they're lucky to have you? | | | How long have you liked said person? | | | Are you glad this section is over? | yes | | Yes? | gah | | No? | gah! | | On favourites... | | What's your favourite song(s)? | bohemian rhapsody is one of them | | Movie? | bend it like beckham maybe | | Game? | one-in-twenty is amusing | | Website? | tomato nation | | Food? | apricots are nice | | Survey? | not this one | | Survey maker? *points at self* | um | | Hair color? | whatever | | CD album? | not sure | | Band? | silk city or radiohead probably | | Artist? | eric carle | | Program of choice (as in computer program)? | eh | | This or that... | | Windows or Mac? | windows | | Death or life? | whatever | | Cheese or porridge? | cheese | | Britney or Christina...or neither? | christina...she can actually sing | | Lord of the Rings or Harry potter (ONE CHOICE ONLY) | hp | | Legolas or Aragorn? | don't care | | Arwen or Eowyn? | don't care | | Fantasy or Reality? | either | | Religion or atheism? | atheism isn't the opposite of religion... | | Would you wanna die of... | | murder or old age | not sure...which is less painful? | | drive by or starvation? | drive by | | In your sleep or in a tar pit? | sleep | | What if... | | If you could go back in time and change anything, what would you do? | not be born, or go to a different preschool | | The sky was yellow? | then the sun might be a different color | | If you could take up any language what would you learn? | spanish | | you were a movie? What would you be? | something stupid and psuedo "artsy" | | Lovey dovey stuff.. | | Are you of age? | i suppose | | Did you read the rating? | yes...but it was pg | | How many years till your legal? | | | Favourite fantasy? | | | Do you dream of your crush? | what crush | | Have you had sex yet? | no | | Did you type Virgin if you haven't? Type it now if you are. | gaaaaaaaah | | Do you lie about your age to people? | only to campers. but i'm pretty sure they know i'm not really 110 | | How many partners have you had? | | | Been to third base yet? | no | | All the way? | no | | With who? | stop asking these questions | | Are you going to tell me? | please | | Tired of this yet? | it's really annoying | | First thing you think of... | | Mauve | topaz | | gay | straight | | legolas | star | | cheese | mouse | | Alyssa | rina | | Johnny | appleseed | | Justin | bornstead | | Josh | begosh | | Orlando | bloom | | Shane | earring | | Finish the sentence | | If it ain't broke | don't fix it | | The grass is greener | on the golf course | | What's love | | | You are what you | | | Battle of the bands (in no particular pairing) | | Muse or Modest mouse? | modest mouse | | The cure or Blink 182? | whatever | | Pink Floyd or Guns and Roses? | pink floyd | | Avril Lavigne or Hilary Duff (yes you have to choose ONE haha) | avril | | Alexisonfire or Linkin park? | linkin park | | Franz Ferdinand or staind? | franz ferdinand | | Slipknot or rancid? | whichever | | Afi or Three days grace? | whichever | | Sugarcult or Hoobastank? | eh | | Dashboard confessional or Story of the year? | dashboard confessional | | Nsync or Backstreet boys? | neither | | I'm done...happy? | sure | | Are you sure? BYE! | gah | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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fadingintoblue
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2005 4 March :: 10.49pm
I should probably go to bed
I feel so stupid. I always want more. I have a nice moment, and, instead of savoring it, I just want more. And it's stupid of me.
The key to happiness is being happy with what you have. Either what you have changes, or you change your attitude. But it feels like settling to me. I don't want to hang out alone all the time just doing nothing. And the moment I have a taste of being social, I want more. Which is stupid, because when I spend too much time with other people, I do idiotic things like cut myself. I have spent so many "happy" times surrounded by other people feeling completely miserable. So I cut myself off from other people (not even completely by choice anymore), but it doesn't work.
In summary: I'm unhappy alone. I'm unhappy with other people. Everytime I should be happy, I just focus on how unhappy I am every other time. Which, of course, is stupid, because it doesn't add to my state of well-being. And I keep on with the same stupid cycle, because I don't know how to stop it, and because the only thing I can think of is a bit too permanent of a solution (plus it would make me a hyprocrite).
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