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:: 2005 4 March :: 3.56pm

I was in a horrible mood at lunch today. I got in late, so I didn't even bother with the lunch line. I just sat down, opened my notebook, and wrote stuff down. And then I played with my pencil and worried people. I wasn't going to eat, but I wanted a lunch tray to break so I got a slice of pizza. Probably a bad idea, because I spent the rest of the day feeling like I was going to throw up. I almost did throw up.

And I have no good reason for this. I know when I started feeling horrible today, but it can't just be because of Teen Arts. Today's the play, so maybe it's lack-of-Stina. That can't be all, though. I hate when I can't figure out exactly what's bothering me. I can't deal with things if I don't understand them.

But I do know that I really don't want to deal with the Teen Arts thing. I'm not even going to write in detail about it, that's dealing with it. And then I feel guilty, because other people at my lunch table had their own private crisises today, both more pressing than mine.

And then I start thinking again. I want to know what I mean to people. Would the people I eat lunch with actually care if I wasn't there? I'm pretty sure they don't mind me being there, but I think they might be more neutral on the subject than anything else.

This is so, so stupid. I am not okay. The smallest thing and I fall apart. I don't want to deal with people at all. I don't even really want to be here. And I don't have any good reasons for the way I continuously fall apart.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 2 March :: 5.15pm

Valentine for Earnest Mann
----------------------------------
You can't order a poem like you order a taco.
Walk up to the counter, say, "I'll take two,"
and expect it to be handed to you
on a shiny plate.

Still, I like your spirit.
Anyone who says, "Here's my address,
write me a poem," deserves something in reply.
So I'll tell you a secret instead:
Poems hide. In the bottoms of our shoes,
they are sleeping. They are the shadows
drifting across our ceilings the moment
before we wake up. What we have to do
is live in a way that lets us find them.

Once I knew a man who gave his wife
two skunks for a valentine.
He couldn't understand why she was crying.
"I thought they had such beautiful eyes."
And he was serious. He was a serious man
who lived in a serious way. He really
liked those skunks. So he re-invented them
as valentines and they became beautiful.
At least, to him. And the poems that had been hiding
in the eyes of skunks for centuries
crawled out and curled up at his feet.

Maybe if we re-invent whatever our lives give us
we find poems. Check your garage, the odd sock
in your drawer, the person you almost like, but not quite.
And let me know.

-Naomi Shihab Nye

I just rediscovered this poem today. I heard it for the first time two summers ago when I had a writing group at camp. I like the first part best.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 1 March :: 8.32pm
:: Music: Weezer

Hmm
http://confusinglife.tripod.com/id20.html

Today, apparently, is SI awareness day. I just found this out. If I'd known beforehand, and we'd actually had school today, and the color for the ribbon wasn't orange (which was used when Megan died), I might have worn a ribbon today. Or maybe not.

It's interesting that there's a day, even if it's not widely recognized (so far, only by New Mexico). I'm not sure what good recognizing self injury is. I know a lot of people don't really know anything about it, and it might help if more people were educated...but I don't know. It's not like it will stop anyone, and I think more people might hurt themselves who hadn't thougth about it before. Oh well.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 28 February :: 9.27pm
:: Mood: pretty good
:: Music: Weezer

This should be a decent week, what with half days for the HSPA and random snowfall and the play and a visit to a museum at the end of it. Plus I'm fairly on top of things at the moment, so I don't have that niggling voice in the back of my head telling me all the stuff I'm putting off (except for my Gold Award, which will get attention soon). And I had an encounter with Katie where she didn't bite my head off, which was nice (hehe if you're reading this).

The only things that are bringing me down right now are random worries about other people. It's not fair for one person to have so many people she's close to die in less than a year (most by suicide). And I have other random worries too.

And Stina. I hope she's okay. Barrett said he said "hey" to her other day...nice to know she's still around.

But besides that things haven't been bad. Rather uneventful, actually. At this point I'm just waiting for school to end. A bit of a waste of time, and slightly unfufilling, but at least I'm reading some fun fanfiction (and my story has a new character, maybe).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 23 February :: 10.29pm
:: Mood: my head hurts
:: Music: Tori Amos

I've been a bit bored lately. I need to work on my gold award.

...and that's about it. I need college to come before the tedium of it all completely kills my sanity (what I have left of it).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 16 February :: 10.35pm

I think people should stop asking each other "Are you okay?" and instead ask "Are you dying any faster than usual?" I told this to Barrett at lunch today, he said he was. Then somehow I ended up saying that I suck at life unless it's a standardized test, which made him laugh. The quote is on my notebook now. Too bad I just got a new one and that one is being retired.

I don't really want to go to bed right now. If I go to sleep, I'll wake up and everything will be the same. Besides, I'm not that tired.

It feels like the longer the school year drags on, the worse I get. I hate that. I don't want scars, or lingering depressions, or mental problems of any kind. I just want to be a normal happy senior, looking forward to everything everyone else is, like prom and Project Graduation. I don't want to be writing a weird disjointed story that's taking over my life, I don't want notebooks full of poetry, I don't want to have to listen to my friends talk about bad family situations and destructive habits. Sometimes I think if I could I'd want to be a boy-crazy mall girl.

I'm not though, obviously. And I usually like it that way. I was looking at a picture of me that was taken this summer and I realized how much I miss the way I am outside of school, the "real me." I'm not a weak person. I'm capable of standing up for myself and of having others respect me. But when I'm in school, I just can't do it.

I just lost my train of thought, oh well. The jist of what I'm thinking is that I hate myself right now. I hate this weak person I've turned into, who lets others (notice the plural) manipulate her, who can't share enough about her concern for people. And I hate not having Christina to share this with. Even if I spared details, she always understood me implicitly. Now I have no way of getting in touch with her, and I don't think we'll ever be good friends again. I haven't even seen her in a month, and that was for about 20 seconds (and before that, it was another month). And who knows, maybe it's my fault.

Gah, definitely time to stop thinking.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 16 February :: 10.18pm

Hmm. My dad's friend is in the Rotary Club. They're sponsoring a leadership conference and he offered me the spot for my high school. Normally, the club would go to the high school and talk to the guidance counslers and find someone that way, but when your dad's the mayor, there are occasional benefits (and plenty of bad things too, I should add). It's being held on a weekend in April and the club would pay for me.

It sounds nice enough. There'll be "indoor and outdoor leadership building activities, social activities, along with some games and a lot of fun." No one else will really know anyone, so that takes some awkwardness out of it. And it's free.

I'm not sure though. Getting the leadership award means nothing now that my college applications are finished. And this is mean "to honor outstanding high school students at a leadership conference." The requirements say the students should have demonstrated leadership ability in school and community activities over the past two years. I can fake it, but I'm not quite as "outstanding" as I ought to be. And I'd have to miss a YMCA overnight (which, of course, is breaking my heart).

I think I'll do it though. Faking some social behavior for a weekend shouldn't be too bad. And I can always fake sick and go home if it's too bad.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 13 February :: 2.36pm
:: Music: Rasputina

I hate when I can't explain myself well. I also hate when I break down.

Like last week, and last night. I'm feeling better now, and I know things will be alright eventually. But I need to be careful.

I need to not make myself throw up, because after only a couple times I'm having random urges to vomit. I need to not cut. I need to stop trying to hide things from Katie, even though I'm terrified to share things. [Edit: But I shouldn't force myself to share things I don't need to share, I have a right to set my own boundaries...or something like that.]

I am going to be okay. I just need to be more careful when I get into those moods.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 11 February :: 4.30pm

crappy week
Things that are not fair:
--When a sixteen year old has FIVE names from the past few months with an RIP note in her profile.
--When there is such a stigma with something as simple as feminism that a very feminist person claims not to be a feminist, and actually thinks she isn't one.
--When someone can't be bisexual without being told that there's something wrong with them.
--When someone steals from one of the nicest teachers in school, ruining things for a bunch of her students and turning her into a wreck.
--When someone has such a crappy family and childhood that it's dubious that they'll ever be healthy.
--When someone's brother kills himself.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 9 February :: 10.52pm

We had an assembly today, which was complete torture for me. Some state prison inmates came in to speak. This is the fourth time I've been talked at by convicts (though, to be fair, the first time was juivenile offenders), not including all the times I've seen video of "Scared Straight", plus other random sermons I've heard throughout the years. I'm not into drugs. I don't cut class. I take education seriously (even if I haven't done my homework yet...I just perfer to do it at school whenever possible). I don't break rules, and I respect authority (though not even to not make fun of it occasionally). I don't need to be yelled at. Plus I missed English and choir, both classes I enjoy. And I missed my usual lunch period and ate in 6th period instead...with Preeti. Everyone else skipped lunch and went to class (why?), but Preeti skipped class to go to lunch with us, and was stuck with me. It was nice to talk to her though, even if she did end up eating half my lunch. And the whole prom thing between her and Katie is a tad annoying. Oh well, talking to her was a good thing. But I would have liked to have missed the stupid assembly instead (how many times can someone in prison khakis tell me to respect my parents and stay away from drugs without me losing it?).

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 7 February :: 4.28pm
:: Music: Garden State soundtrack

Haha
It's funny how everyone assumes that I am uncomfortable when they talk about making out with people, or sex, or whatever. It's true that I did NOT want to see that porn dvd case in a certain person's appartment, but I think that things like that ought to be put away. And I didn't appreciate the movie where this guy got a girl to rub her boobs and do other such things to them (tasteless, very tasteless). But I'm actually quite curious and interesting to hear other stuff (like at lunch when certain people talk). I think it's funny that people think I'm so innocent. I definitely am, in a way, but I'm not naive enough to think that people only hold hands until they're married. And my thoughts are definitely not rated G.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 4 February :: 10.11pm

I think I need help. Which is stupid because I can't ask for it and I probably wouldn't be able to find any (meaning the usefull kind).

Alternately, I can wait for summer. I've done it enough times. And college might possibly be different.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 4 February :: 9.58pm

I'm a loser. Not that that's a particularly new concept. But it's Friday night. I'm 18. I have a car. I'm at home, and I've done nothing but read fanfic and random idiotic websites. And I did this yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that, and I'll be doing this tomorrow too. I really want to talk to someone right now, but Jen's probably busy, and Katie wasn't around when I called before. And no one's online.

I am a loser because if I had more friends, I would actually be talking to them. Maybe not right this second, but often enough to stem these stupid depressed thoughts. It's true that I'm not a huge fan of people, but that doesn't mean I want to be alone all the time.

I don't like relying on other people. It makes me feel powerless. I can't rely on other people to make me happy. Still hurts. Still stupid that I'm posting this.

This weekend is going to be just the same as always. I'll do homework. I'll spend some time with family on Sunday morning being criticized for not being perfect. I'll spend a bunch of time online. I'll do some laundry. Then I'll go to bed late Sunday night and find myself unable to sleep for the rest of the week. I know exactly how things will go, and I have no way to change it, because I'm that type of person who hangs around alone. I hate this weakness.

response?