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fadingintoblue
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2005 2 February :: 10.37pm
Avoiding Bush's yearly pack of lies
**~Long Survey~** (w/ good grammar and decent, unique questions) | Created by donttalktome and taken 6556 times on bzoink! | | The Basics and Some Personals | | Name: | Liz/Beth/Lizabeth/etc | | Age: | 18 | | Shoe Size: | 9 | | Height: | 5'4 | | Weight: | 135 | | Pants Size: | 10/12 | | Shirt Size: | large usually | | Innie or Outie? | innie | | Love Questions | | Are you in Love? | not in the way this question means | | Are you single or taken? | single | | If single, for how long? | forever, pretty much | | If taken, for how long? | | | If taken, by whom? | | | Do you like guys or girls? | both | | What do you think about Sporty guys? | as long as they have other interests | | Smart? | yes | | Dorky? | yes | | Popular? | depends on their personality | | Your Favorites | | Kind of Food: | apriocots and yummy things with mushrooms | | Color: | green | | Song: | Bohemian Rhapsody, maybe | | Band: | Silk City or Radiohead | | Singer: | maybe Tracy Chapman | | CD: | no clue | | Kind of Music: | not sure, I like a lot | | Animal: | cat | | Place to be? | camp maybe | | Vacation spot: | beach | | Actor: | Johnny Depp or Jim Carrey | | Actress: | Natalie Portman, maybe | | Comedian: | Jim Carrey | | Soap Opera: | ugh | | Day Time Talk Show: | ugh | | Game Show: | no preference | | All Around Favorite Show: | X-Play or Law and Order maybe | | Drink: | tea | | Restaurant: | Thai Kitchen, maybe, I like a lot of places | | Number: | 19 | | Letter: | no preference | | Word: | applesauce | | Your Short Opinion on.. | | George W. Bush: | icky, there's a reason I'm not watching his State of the Union speech right now | | Gay Marriage: | for | | Rocketing Gas Prices: | uck | | Minimum Wage ($6.75): | if it really was that high, I'd be happier | | Drunk Driving: | completely totally against | | Legal Driving Age: | for | | Anorexia: | sad | | Mary-Kate and Anorexia: | she deserves privacy | | Lindsay Lohan (18) and her 23-year-old boyfriend: | whatever | | Young Marriages: | depends how young | | Young Parents: | depends how young | | Pregnency without a Marriage: | sure | | Telemarketers: | bleh, but they have to earn a paycheck | | Pop Quizzes: | I really don't have them | | This Survey: | I like the spelling and grammar | | Label Your Friends! | | Loudest: | Preeti, if she's still a friend | | Quietest: | Kavya | | Nicest: | Brie | | Person who doesn't think before they speak: | Preeti (if she's still a friend) | | Outspoken: | Katie maybe | | Annoying: | maybe Barrett | | Popular or has best chance of becoming popular: | Barrett | | Best Dressed: | Katie or Barrett | | Worst Dressed: | Preeti maybe | | Sweetest: | Brie | | Giving: | Brie | | Selfish: | Preeti | | Ungrateful: | Preeti | | Social Butterfly: | Barrett | | Will be crowned Most Likely to Succeed by their class: | Katie | | This or That | | Soda/Punch | soda | | Sour/Sweet | sour | | Summer/Winter | summer | | Christmas/Thanksgiving | Channukah | | Easy/Challenging | challenging | | Light/Dark | dark | | Sun/Moon | sun | | TV/Movies | movies | | Out with Friends/Out with Family | friends | | Cat/Dog | cat | | Penguin/Dolphin | dolphin, preferably if I can speak to it (ha) | | Book/Magazine | book | | Last Questions about the Survey | | Did you like the survey? | yes, a good way to waste time | | Would you reccomend it to a friend? | I really don't reccomend surveys | | Where will you put your results? | woohu | | Thanks for coming... | welcome | Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink! |
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fadingintoblue
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2005 1 February :: 3.52pm
Being invisible
Today was an interesting day to not be noticed. I started Women's Studies, and I can already tell I'm going to hate it. I really want a decent women's studies (or gender studies) class, but I have to settle for a class where you watch movies while you do homework for other classes while everyone else talks. The interesting thing about, though, is that there are other invisible people in it. Normally I'm the only one, but there are two other girls (both juniors, both labeled "freaky" for different reasons) this time. Which is interesting. I watch people sometimes, and I've seen both of these people, and I'm pretty sure they're watching me back.
And in gym today, people acted like I wasn't there. I was on the bleachers writing, and a group of girls congregated right by me. One of them told her friends she cuts. They obviously didn't know before. It was interesting to hear their reactions. It's funny how many people I know who cut themselves when only one person has ever gone up to me and told me (plus someone who made it completely obvious and didn't lie when it was found out). Just by sitting around and being quiet (and by being observant and noticing random scars on people's arms and wrists) I've discovered a bunch of other self-destructive people. It makes me wonder how many people are actually self-destructive.
I managed to write some semi-decent stuff about this today, plus some interesting things about immortality (stupid Paradise Lost got it stuck in my mind). I didn't really talk much today, but that's alright. I did manage to ramble on during lunch, just long enough for Brie to talk to Kelly privately while Kavya and I argued over my intelligence and talked about AP classes (she thinks I'm smart, I say I'm not, we both know that I just don't want to admit it).
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fadingintoblue
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2005 31 January :: 10.27pm
:: Mood: not terrible
Hmm
I'm pretty sure I'm depressed right now.
1) I haven't been sleeping regularly.
2) I lost weight without trying to.
3) I've lost interest in things I used to care about.
Plus all the other things that are always there. Wanting to hurt myself. Feeling insecure. Having times when I don't think anything matters anymore. The biggest thing, right now, is that it's 10:30 and I haven't done my part of a group project yet. I might procrastinate, but I ALWAYS get things done. I can't make myself care. I'll have time tomorrow morning and during lunch, but I know that under normal circumstances I would have finished an hour ago.
I don't feel particularly terrible, but that doesn't mean I'm not depressed. I'm not in a mood where I want a hug or anything. I sorta want to cut myself, but I don't really care enough to. I feel kinda bad because today's my dad's birthday and I had to fake emotion. And my mother did a huge favor for me, while I've spent the past two months laying around acting pissy and depressed.
And it kinda sucks that when I'm around friends (like Brie, Katie, and Jennie too) I still can't really think of things to say.
So I think I'm depressed, which is not surprising because I've spent the last 6 years being depressed off and on. It's kinda sad, I guess. But I should be okay later. I guess. Wow, this is depressing. Ha, I just made a pun.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 30 January :: 2.30pm
:: Mood: goodish/tired
:: Music: Billy Joel
Good/Bad
Good:
I don't have to do that stupid lifeguarding water sports Girl Scout thing today. I got to go home and sleep instead, and now I get to have dinner with my family for my dad's birthday tonight, and I'll have plenty of time to study.
Bad:
The overnight was hell. THREE of us showed up. THREE. Emily, Sarah, and me. Suprisingly, Emily and Sarah worked their asses off, which was good. But still. Three girls from Mrs. Graner's troop showed, too, which was good (because there were five stations), but they didn't stay and they didn't clean up or help much with dinner. I was counting on Katie and Alicia being there, which didn't happen, at least I brought a book (not that I really had time to read it, but still). I'm about ready to call Allie, though, and demand she start attending these things. It's not fair that I'm the only senior showing up.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 28 January :: 9.48pm
Oh, and now it looks like I'll probably have to wear a bathing suit. My legs are crap. I have my period. I can wear a top and maybe shorts...but I still have scars that will show. If I'd known about this earlier, I could have gone to the drug store and gotten something. Stupid stupid stupid
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fadingintoblue
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2005 28 January :: 9.34pm
FUCK
Mr. Dry just dropped off the sheets I'm supposed to talk from. According to the schedule, I have to talk to SIX groups for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES each. FOURTY-FIVE MINUTES. According to the program sheet, I'm supposed to be teaching some simple lifeguarding skills, and some other stuff I've completely forgotten. THERE'S A REASON I STOPPED GUARDING!!!!!!!!!! And there are only three sheets for me to talk on, and they have huge type, and the third page only has a few lines, and it's definitely not NEAR enough to talk on for forty-five minutes. If I stretched, I might make fifteen, and it would have to be a huuuuuuuuuuge stretch. I could blow through this in five. These people are my age-ish. They're going to expect things. I can't teach them anything. And the whole fucking thing isn't over until 5:40, and I doubt we'll leave until at least six, and then I have to get home somehow. And I'm going to be sleep-deprived and attempting to study for a final. Basically, the subject says it all.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 28 January :: 8.55pm
Mrs. Dry is driving me mad. I'm spending fiveish (who know how long) hours of my time Sunday to help her out of a tight spot. I called her for the second time today, and finally got a time out of her. I have to be at her house by noon. Okay. And I have a GS overnight tomorrow night. Okay. And a really hard midterm I'm freaking out over on Monday. Okay. And Monday's my dad's birthday and I still need to get him a gift. Gah.
Plus I fell down the steps today. I didn't get anything out of it besides a few scrapes on my hands and a sore shoulder, but muy not-fun.
And a bunch of other things are bothering me. Most of them are little. Then there's Stina. Who still hasn't called. And my grandma asked about her today (we were eating lunch in the the restaurant where she took Stina and me for my 16th birthday), and I couldn't even answer her.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 27 January :: 8.55pm
...still hasn't called.
My mother is driving me insane. She keeps asking inane questions like "Was PJ accepted at Rutgers?" "Has Rita heard from any schools yet?" "What do you need at the library?" "Have you been to Wendy's a lot lately?" "What midterms do you have tomorrow?"(after I've told her twice), etc. I don't want to answer anything! And I realize that it was a bit obvious that I was in a sour mood today. I got no questions about my mood at all. It's just about idiot crap.
And then I feel terrible, because I'm making my mother feel bad by not answering things in detail. I realize that all she wants is to feel like she knows everything about my life. I stopped telling her things six years ago, and I feel bad about keeping things from her, but it's completely in self-preservation. Moving out should be nice.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 27 January :: 2.04pm
Gah
She still hasn't called.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 27 January :: 1.05pm
I saw Stina today, while I was waiting in the lobby for the bell to ring so I could go to my midterm. She wasn't too far away, but I didn't feel like hailing her, so I just stood so she could see me. She called to me and told me she doesn't have a cell phone anymore and that she'd call me afterschool. I asked and she does have the number. She also said she had to quit her job. It was a quick conversation because the bell rang.
School ended at 11:45. It's currently 1:07. Getting home takes time, but not over an hour. I don't want to do this. Stina, either kick me out of your life completely or actual start caring. I can't take this anymore.
In other news, I cut my fingernails down yesterday. I might let them grow back, I might not. I keep finding myself trying to push my fingernails into my thumb, so I might not let them grow back for awhile. It's kind of a stupid thing, but it's a bad habit I need to stop. I have found that I'm a lot less calm, but I got myself some gum, and it sorta-kinda helps.
Gah. I'd go to the library, or take a shower, or call my grandma or Mrs. Dry (both people I need to talk to) or do something else where I wouldn't hear the phone, but I'm still waiting for Stina to call. Why haven't I given up yet?
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fadingintoblue
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2005 25 January :: 6.43pm
:: Mood: tired
Today was fun. It kinda sucked that I was really really tired during half of it, but that's alright. Katie, we really need to get together more often. Although I don't think making snow angels in just a tshirt and jeans is the best idea.
Coming home, though...gah. First, my parents are eating the one thing I picked out of the grocery store last night (aka, the only thing we have that's not diet or icky in some way), and they didn't leave me any. Oh well. Would have been fine if my mom didn't try to justify it. And my mother wanted to know where I went. Okay. Who I was with. Okay. Where I went for lunch. Alright.... What I ate. Um, no. And some other stuff. WHY IS IT HER BUSINESS WHAT I ATE FOR LUNCH???? Gah.
But today was cool. Excpet for the icky midterms part. But half-days rock.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 22 January :: 9.36pm
:: Music: Billy Joel/Modest Mouse mix
Knowledge is so important
I think people forget, sometimes, that they can never stop questioning things. It's easy to find a political group you agree with, or a moral stand you think is right. It's harder to question its righteouness. It's easy to get stuck in a trap of believing that we are completely right, but it's just that, a trap. NOTHING can ever be certain. I have to remember to ask myself things everyday. Maybe I'll discover one day that there is a god, that women really are inferior, and that homosexuality is a choice. I can't outrule the possibility. The only reason I say these things are untrue with any certainty is because I've questioned whether or not they could be true, and found the facts lacking.
Still. It's hard to remember. I can't assume just because someone is, for example, liberal, that they are right. Inversely, I can't assume that conservatives are always wrong. Or that my friends will always be right. Or that the book I'm reading will always be factual, or that my teachers are actually correct. It's everyone's duty to figure out things for themselves, and not to get so comfortable with themselves that they forget to be vigilant. It is in this way that we manage to be free and independent people.
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fadingintoblue
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2005 21 January :: 9.26pm
:: Music: Billy Joel
no community college for me
I got in! Not to my top choice, or my second choice (they haven't sent me anything yet, so I still have a chance), but to my third choice. I got into Rutgers. I got into all the schools in the college (well, the liberal arts ones. I didn't apply to business or nursing or anything like that), including Douglass. Which makes me happy. I don't want to stay in state, but at least I'll definitely be out of town.
In randomness:
1) I bought an mp3 player two days ago, returned it last night because it wasn't working for me, and got a new (different) one. It was a lot of money for a person like me. I don't buy myself things, generally, and never expensive things, so this was a bit new for me. But I like it, and it will help me with my goal of being mostly anti-social on the music trip. Plus I can use it at college.
2) I need sleep desperately. I haven't gotten much sleep in the past month or so, and before that, I was completely freaked out for several weeks (sometimes freaked out AND sleep-deprived, funness). The bad thing is that all this reflected on my grades. I'm going to have to take another final now, and my AP Gov grade went down, so my 4.0 is shot. I'm going to have to study harder, too, because I didn't absorb much info. Even Barrett's noticed how hyper I've been lately from lack of sleep, and, considering how he's normally high off meds, completely exhausted, or obsessed with talking about J, that's kinda a bad sign. I will get myself on a schedule. I have to, I'm getting myself sick and I can't concentrate and it's making me feel worse (mentally/emotionally/physically), which gives me insomnia, which makes things even worse.
3) I borrowed a book of Lillian Hellman plays from Mrs. Daley. Trevor brought them to me in the middle of English, and it attracked attention from Mrs. Oram. It's so nice to have teachers impressed by you. So, even though I can't get to the library, I have reading material. Plus a fairly decent book Mrs. Oram just assigned.
4) Stupid snow. I have no desire to spend the day cooped up with my family.
5) It's kinda sad when GS becomes your social life. Eh, I don't really like people anyway, so it's okay, but I kinda feel like I should practice being with people. I'm going to have a roommate! And I'm going to live in a dorm! With other people! Hopefully I'll manage to get in the loser dorm or something.
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