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:: 2005 18 January :: 12.38am
:: Mood: not sleepy enough
:: Music: Ben Folds Five

It's too late for me to be up
I miss having people online to talk to. I know it's after midnight on a school night...but what about people on the west coast? I thought Sharon at least might be up.

Stupid not being able to sleep. Stupid screwed up body clock. Stupid projects and homework assignments and fathers who promise to wake you up in 30 minutes but forget and leave you to sleep an extra 2 hours, making it 9:30 before you can start in on the other two projects you haven't done yet. Stupid spending the entire day indoors.

I should probably sleep, because I have to get up earlier than usual tomorrow. If I fell asleep now, I might get five hours. Of course, since I didn't get up till after 11 and I took a two and half hour nap earlier, I doubt I'll be able to sleep until 2 or so. Leaving me less than 4 hours. Making it even harder for me to get by without a nap tomorrow. Making it even more likely for me to stay up tomorrow night, too. Stupid visicious cycle. And I have midterms next week, too.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 17 January :: 12.04am
:: Mood: there's a lump in my throat

Stina
I called Stina today, at about 3:30. She seemed surprised to hear my voice. She asked if she could call me right back, because she was looking for her keys. I reluctantly said okay. She didn't call back. There is a "message" on our answering machine that consists of a click (I wasn't home, I was calling from my cell phone), but who knows if that's her. I called her again around 8, listened to her phone ring, hung up before leaving a message.

I can't take this anymore. I really thought we were friends. Why doesn't she feel like she can talk to me? I have known her for too long and gone through too much with her for me to want to let this friendship go. She kept me saneish during middle school and freshman year. She's the only one I could talk to about the pain of bburg schools. I helped her pass Spanish, she helped me not get too depressed.

Does she even think of me, ever? I wouldn't even mind, much, if I knew it was because she's going through too much personal stuff, but she should let me help. I would never hurt her. I have never judged her, I've forgiven her for lying to me a while ago, I've watched her to try and make sure she's ok. And maybe it's my fault, because I didn't tell her enough. She watched me carefully to make sure I wasn't hurting myself, and sometimes asked questions, but she never knew that I cut myself (now, though, I wonder if she guessed, probably not). I never detailed my depressions, but she never detailed hers either.

I miss my friend. She's one of the first people who know I wasn't straight, and she accepted me right away without any questions. She helped me through the Lar thing. She always had some sort of joke or story. Gah, I'm talking about her like she's dead, which isn't right. I'm probably going to call her again tomorrow, even though part of me says not to. I have a ton of homework, and I shouldn't try to push her into a friendship she doesn't want anymore.

This really really hurts. It's a slow pain, because I've known about it for a while. Even when I talked to her briefly over a month ago, I knew it wasn't going to last.

If I can pity myself, then let me say that I can't afford to lose her. I really can't. Who do I have without her? Katie and Jennie. Two people I barely ever see. Barrett's lovesick, Brie's having her own private crisis, Kavya scares me with her acute perceptiveness.

And what really sucks? Knowing that everytime I think about her, I make myself numb so I won't cry or feel too hurt. Which doesn't help me get close to people (already a huge problem). If I keep doing this, I'm going to get to a point where I'm never going to feel again.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 16 January :: 2.31pm
:: Mood: pretty good
:: Music: Wicked soundtrack

I'm finally up
Took me long enough. I didn't get out of bed until 1:30, then I took a shower and ate something and read the camp employment opportunities booklet and basically hung around for a bit until I was fully awake. The YMCA overnight wasn't too bad, considering. The useless three were just about useless, as usual, but there weren't too many girls and it was alright. Also, it was nice to see Elisa and Alanna again. And I was happy that I was able to juggle things so I got to work with someone useful.

I have to say, though, that Alicia surprised me. She's definitely changed a bit. I'm so used to thinking of her as homophobic that it's hard for to realize that she's not. Stupid closed mind. I have to remember not to judge people. I felt so bad for her about the Barrett thing though. I haven't given so many hugs in a long time.

I also find it amusing that in a 6-week period (starting this weekend), I will only spend one weekend not doing something GS related (this overnight, Jr PR, talking about lifeguarding for some cadette/senior badge thing at Rutgers, two more overnights). And the week I won't have a weekend thing, I'll have a GS meeting on Monday. For someone with only one activity, I keep fairly busy. I should have said I spent more hours per week for more weeks on my college applications.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 13 January :: 11.37pm
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Coheed and Cambria

I finished my wedding project, finally. And I just spent the last hour and a half reading some decent Daria fanfic. And I have a room for the music trip. Not the exact same people I was thinking yesterday, but close enough. It means a lot to me to feel comfortable about this, and rooming with nice people will be enough to make me feel comfortable.

Today was an alright day, on the whole. I didn't see Brie, because she was spirited away by the HSPA Lady for review during lunch, and then she left early to go to Disney (damn her luck. She's going to be there till Monday). And it was a shame, because we had a sub during both of my choirs and I didn't have her to talk with. But besides that, it really wasn't a bad day. I was kinda tired (I got fourish hours of sleep last night), but it was okay, I figure I won't crash until Saturday (right on cue for the YMCA overnight, ha).

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 13 January :: 12.06am
:: Music: Radiohead

College Apps and such
Well, I'm finally done. My last application (out of a grand total of three) is now completed, dated, signed, and ready to be mailed. I'll know whether or not I got in in a month. My essay this time was the essay I swore I'd never write, but the topics were crap and I couldn't think of anything else. It was the general "I used to be shy and worry a lot but now I've worked past it and everything is peachy and I've found my true self" type of crap I hate. I didn't even really lie to write it (although the implied "everything is fine" part definitely isn't true, it's not like I'm still afraid to stay afterschool or go to the guidence office to switch classes).

I'm just glad it's done. Now I only have to worry about my wedding project, and my media project, and my dramatics scene, and my English project, and my pre-calc test and take home test. Oh, and about how I'm going to stop hurting myself by this August (I do NOT want to be doing this crap in college. Fresh start, PLEASE!). And my Gold Award. And whether or not any of these colleges actually let me in. But besides all that, I'm home free. Ha. And people wonder why I'm always so stressed out.

EDIT: One more good thing: I think I have a room for the music trip. With nice people who don't hate me, who won't keep me up all night, and who won't try to break rules and have guys in the room at 3am. Plus there shouldn't be any random creepy games of truth or dare (not that it's necessarily a creepy game, but it can be). I will feel so much better tomorrow if it works out and I can stop worrying about what random people I might have to room with.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 9 January :: 9.39pm

If I wasn't so tired right now, I think I'd be suicidal. Not really sure why. I kinda feel that way now, but I'm too tired to do anything. And it's not even 10 yet.

This tiredness is deep. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a week. I feel like crap. I'm skipping school tomorrow. Part of it is that I don't have my analytical paper done, but most of it is just that I need a mental health day. And I also know that if I keep pushing myself I'm going to get sick. I coughed so much yesterday, and it was all stress, I think. And I need time to do college stuff.

I feel terrible for skipping, but I seriously cannot do anything right right now. It's not just MUN, which was mostly nice. It's everything else. I just can't function. I'm impressed that I can actually type this.

Oh! And we got broadband. So everything's loading really fast now. But we still have aol. Gah.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 1 January :: 11.33pm
:: Music: Coheed and Cambria

well...
It looks like I'm going on the music trip. Damn you, Jennie, with your logic (and threats of not speaking to me if I don't go--she doesn't made idle threats). And, according to Mark, if I don't go, I'll turn into his aunt. His aunt, apparently, was just like me--fairly anti-social with a small group of friends--and she withdrew and then stopped leaving the house (she lived with her father) and then died at the age of 42. Either that, he said, or I'll turn into *my* aunt (the divorced one who lives with my grandmother and spends all her time criticising me to death and obsessing over her cat). Pretty steep consequences for missing five days with the music department. And missing Passover doesn't count, apparently because "You're not a Jew!" thank you Mark.

The only reason I'm going of all of their arguments is because Jennie threatened to stop speaking to me, and she really would. She's that stubborn. I kinda regret bringing it up, but I wanted to talk about it with someone who's NOT going on the music trip.

But I guess I'm going. I just hope I have a decent time.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2004 31 December :: 11.26pm
:: Music: Coheed and Cambria

Because I have way too much free time (or rather, I procrastinate too much, it's not like I don't have things I ought to be doing), I took one of those personality tests (meyers-jeung, or something like that) today. Apparently I'm an INFJ, which seems pretty accurate after I read a few profiles. It confirms a few things:
1) There are very few people similar to me (apparently infj is the least common of the 16 personality types, with only 1% of the population belonging to this type).
2) I am way too empathetic for my own good (feeling other people's pain sucks. plus I feel my own pain way too acutely. I feel happy stuff acutely too, but that's way too rare).
3) Apparently my weird strict morals (you know, those rules that govern proper behavior) are shared by other people...of course, as only 1% of the population...
4) Also, being an introvert with a very intense and complex personal life that very few if any other people have any idea exists is just one more thing that ifj people share.
5) As is an ability to express oneself in writing.

As I said before, I have way too much free time (or way too much time pilfered from my "busy" schedule).

When I wasn't analyzing my personality, I was thinking. I have until Monday to decide whether or not I really want to go on the music trip. I have a bunch of reasons why I don't want to go, such as the long bus ride (I don't take well to being trapped in enclosed spaces with lots of people for extended periods of time), not having someone to sit next to on the bus (especially since the seniors pick bus seats first and none of my senior friends are going...not surprising when you consider that I really only have one senior friend at shs), and not having anyone to room with (and I really really don't want to be placed in a room with people who don't want me there. maybe if I could be guaranteed a room with other misfits...but that would still be weird and stressful). And there's also the fact that spending five days with a couple hundred other people with little to no time to myself doesn't sound great. But I don't want to just not go because I don't have enough friends going who would spend time with me. I've been fundraising for years, plus I really want to compete and see all the stuff on the intinerary and miss school and do all the fun stuff this trip is supposed to have. Gah. I don't want to go and spend the five days feeling miserable and suicidal. Last time I went on a trip without friends to back me up I cracked up within two days. And while spending the entire trip sitting alone in a corner with headphones and a book does sound appealing, I still have to find people to room with.

I also spent some time thinking about Katie, and Stina (I am really really worried about her right now), and about my legs, and about those tsunamis in Asia, and about Billy Joel songs, and about five million other things. This is what happens when you don't spend enough time with other people. I think I ought to go to bed. It's late, and I have no desire to see the ball drop, so I should just give up now and stop thinking. I think I've done enough thinking so far in my life to spend the rest of my days eating bon bons in front of the tv.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2004 30 December :: 3.51pm
:: Mood: alright
:: Music: Coheed and Cambria

Christina
Years and years ago I met this girl named Christina at camp. She was a little weird, but then again, so am I. We ended up sharing a tent for a week with two other girls (one who was spending the entire summer at camp because her mother had problems, and one really mean idiot girl), and we got along okay. A few years later, I saw her again at a Girl Scout pumpkin patch thing at some farm. Then I started seeing her at the library all the time and at some other gs things. And then, two summers ago, she worked at camp for a bit. I hadn't seen her since then until today at the library. I was with my mom, waiting for her to finish taking out her books, when I saw Christina waiting in line. I smiled and waved. My mom was taking an hour, so I was still there when Christina finished and silently came up to me and stood there by me. The library was warm, but she was very tightly bundled up, so much that you could just see her face.

We talked for a minute. I didn't really know what to say, so I asked her if she was coming back to camp. Bad question. It turns out that she had been fired. Okay then. She asked me if I was going to go to college, and I could barely hear her. She told me she's going to go to the community college for a year and then she's going to try to transfer. After a bit I said goodbye and walked out and then she walked back into the library (still bundled up).

Christina has always made me feel a little uncomfortable. At library things she used to go on about her problems and her therapy sessions and stuff. She was the first person I knew that cut herself. And every time I see her it seems like she's lost more people skills. Years ago when I first met her, she was a little awkward, but basically fine. And she always seemed to have a lot of friends and to be fairly self-confident. Everytime I see her she seems worse, and it scares me. She's what I could be if I cut just a little more, if I was just a little more anti-social, if I had had just a few more problems in middle school and high school.

It was just very weird to see her again. I hope she's doing better. I didn't see anyone with her, so I guess she's driving now, which would be good. To be honest, I thought she might have killed herself a while ago, so if she's still here and still thinking about college and stuff, then that's good. It was still really odd to see her again.

Oh, on a completely unrelated note, I've decided I hate the phone. When I'm older I want to communicate completely through semaphore and smoke signals (and maybe email or sign language, because I can't always carry flags and matches).

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fadingintoblue

:: 2004 28 December :: 9.46pm
:: Music: Coheed and Cambria

Yay!
We're getting broadband. Finally. I hate dial-up.

Oh, and I get to drive to Scotch Plains again tomorrow. With my grandmother in the car. Fun. At least I should have approximately $50 in babysitting money by the time I get back home (I'm leaving at 10ish and gettting back probably about 7ish, but only 5 hours of that is babysitting, and the other four's just me randomly donating my life to driving and spending time with my grandmother).

At least this will help me pay off my fun today. I spent almost $30 on admission to and lunch and an extra drink at the Liberty Science Center. It was fun (and the first time I've ever done anything with Brieanna where I was the only one of her friends there, unless you count that horrible birthday "party" I had in September, but she invited me this time).

And it gives me a good excuse to procrastinate a little bit more on all the crap that's on my to-do list. So far I've completed...about none of it. Haha.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2004 27 December :: 10.37pm
:: Mood: not bad
:: Music: computer hum

rambling
It's funny. At the beginning of vacation, I wasn't really doing anything all week, except going to NYC on Tuesday. Then Tuesday was cancelled, and I was doing nothing. In the course of twentyfour hours, I've gotten something to do Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday night in Saturday (hopefully) and Sunday night. Every other time I have I can work on my massive to-do list.

It's not a bad break. Christmas was nice. I got to see some people I don't get to spend a lot of time with, and I ate some good food, and I got some good gifts (including a compass and an iou for a laptop, plus tons of gift cards). And things have been going pretty okay so far; no big disasters or anything. Plus I'm looking forward to seeing Brie (tomorrow) and Katie (Friday hopefully). The only thing that I'm unhappy about is Stina not calling me back (I've called twice in the past week and left messages); no one's seen her and I'm not even sure where she's living anymore. I'll probably try calling her again in a few days, even though I hate the phone and it makes me feel like a stalker.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2004 23 December :: 9.20pm
:: Mood: neutral

i'm tired. I keep rehashing things in my head; dreams I've had, things I've daydreamed (or daymared) about hundreds of times before. Yes, things with my current friends will change once I go to college. Yes, being an atheist sucks when the rest of the country is trying to convert you. Yes, it would be very bad if my friends died. I need to stop this. I keep worrying about things and people. I've done all I can. If I'm going to lose all my friends the second I enter college, then it will happen. If one of my friends is going to kill herself, she will and I can't do anything more to stop it. And Stina will do as she pleases, and the college admission people will make their choice no matter what I want, and I could die tomorrow and there's absolutely nothing I can do. I'm not sure if I believe in fate or not, but I am trying to accept that I can't control everything. I have written a thousand poems about the shadows in my head, but I can't do anything to stop bad things from happening.

This is where it would be nice to have faith in a higher being. I want to believe that a god can fix things. But there's only me and there's nothing I can do.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2004 23 December :: 3.32pm

Cor blimey, I taste like Tea.

I am a subtle flavour, quiet and polite, gentle, almost ambient. My presence in crowds will often go unnoticed. Best not to spill me on your clothes though, I can leave a nasty stain. What Flavour Are You?

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