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:: 2005 30 May :: 7.12pm

Damn it
I just had a loverly entry about my trip...and accidentally deleted it when I was editing it. Oh well. Basically:

I'm back. My mother-daughters bonding weekend wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. I got a lot of shopping done (jeans capris flip flops beads shirts earrings sweatshirt jackets), and I didn't have to swim. The weather wasn't too horrible. I got nailed by a seagull, which was especially fun when Jennie was yelling at me for stopping to wipe off my glasses because she had! to! pee! I finished my book. I had some good food and way too much Applebees (two nights in a row, eugh). I couldn't sleep, so I'm happy to be back to my bed (not that I always sleep at home...but at home I don't have to share a bed).

And having computer access again is nice. The internet at the hotel computer only worked Friday night and this morning, which wasn't a huge help. I finally emailed my Beth Reuben poetry to the muse and got to do things like update this journal (and accidently delete my update, ha). It's nice to be home.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 20 May :: 9.51pm

I wish I could tell the future. At the moment I have to settle for seeing people I've seen in dreams randomly in the hallway, major deju vu, and vague feelings about things. And all of that sounds much cooler than it actually is. I do believe that some people have the power to do that type of thing and more, usually much better than I can. That's probably one the reasons I like writing my story, because I can make myself more powerful.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 19 May :: 8.35pm
:: Music: Weezer/Suzanne Vega

It feels like everyone is telling me things about myself lately. Apparently I'm reserved and keep my emotions to myself. I'm also a loner, a poet, annoying, too senstive, a good help, a babysitter, a dinner date, and an excuse.

I'm also quite conflicted. I hate angst, and I have no reason to be upset about anything. But I am, for some reason, be it force of habit or something else. All I want is to be useful and appreciated, and I think I am...but gah.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 15 May :: 4.11pm
:: Music: PJ Harvey

Stuff
Encounter was interesting.

1) I got to talk to Michelle (and consequently worry about her, if she lost 30 pounds because of stress, there's something wrong).
2) I got to feel completely uncomfortable (though I felt better after telling Kristen I'm bi).
3) I had a nice group with a bunch of nice people (and some people I don't care about meeting again).
4) I actually danced for almost the entire dance.
5) I met a girl that reminded me of (a younger version of) me, and even though she annoyed the hell out of me I felt sorry for her. I saw her at the dance with girls from her troop, and they formed a circle that she was right outside of; she tried to participate but they kept her out and I could tell her eyes were wet. It almost made me go over and sit next to her when she finally found a bench and sat out, but I knew that if that was me I would just be angry for the pity gesture.
6) It rained, of course, but it definitely could have been worse. Having Mrs. Dry's dry tent was wonderful, and none of us came down with hypothermia and died.

And this is completely unrelated to Encounter, but I spent a lot of time thinking about it over the weekend anyway: I got a letter from Jennie P. Not exactly from her from her, it was from her school. I'm invited to her graduation. I also have a picture of her that was in the invitation, I don't even recognize her anymore. I haven't seen her since we were 14. She doesn't know anything about me anymore. Last time she checked I was a girl with poor social skills who liked to read (which is still true, but not exactly the most accurate way to describe my person). But I always had so much fun with her. We were completely crazy and loud together, and seeing her always made me happy. She invited me to her Sweet Sixteen two years ago, and I didn't go (I was on vacation), but I did call her. Everytime I call her, she gets busy and promises to call me back and then doesn't. Then I vow that I'm never going to contact her again or hold out hope of being friends, and she sends me a post card from Haiwai, or something, and I call her, and she doesn't call back. I know I ought to call her. I have her number somewhere. But I hate hate hate getting my hopes up. She was my best friend for awhile, but that was awhile ago. And I have been thinking about her lately (since I'm going to my first Sweet Sixteen today) and I kinda feel like I owe her a call for old time's sake...but gah.

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fadingintoblue

:: 2005 12 May :: 8.17pm
:: Music: PJ Harvey

I hate random waves of depression. They come without warning or reason and I have no choice but to ride them out.

I also hate suicidal thoughts. Not that I'm planning on going through with anything anytime soon, but it's bad for my mental state when I can't completely dismiss thoughts.

Being very angsty and predictable is also annoying, to me and other people. I want something else to think about.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 10 May :: 7.56pm
:: Music: PJ Harvey

Stuff
Right now I'm taking a study break from AP test review. I've been studying all day, including during lunch and other classes and that stupid honors award assembly I had to go to for a few minutes even though I'm not going to the dinner. I feel no need to go to a stupid dinner just to be told how nice it was that I got good grades. It's no one's business but mine what grades I get. I didn't get them for the "priviledge" of sitting in a room of people I mostly dislike while a guy that claims to be working for my education benefit gives me a worthless piece of paper.

Leaving early gave me more time to study with Mrs. McWilliams. Not going grocery shopping gave me more time to study. Now I'm all studied out and I still have to go over Russia, China, Mexico, a bit of France, and a third of the US gov stuff. Part of me says that I know this stuff pretty well and that cramming it all now isn't going to help...but I won't be happy unless I finish reviewing EVERYTHING.

I was going to write something else, but I should really study.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 4 May :: 3.32pm
:: Mood: calmly freaking out (yes that's an oxymoron)
:: Music: Suzanne Vega

aaahhh!
1) Gold Award. Gold Award. Gold Award. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
2) Singing really low tenor notes+singing really high alto notes+having two periods of choir with gym in between=liz cannot sing/breathe/talk/stop coughing for long periods of time.
3) Apparenly Barrett was lying, and he actually wanted to stop going to SHS. I don't know the whole story, and probably never will.
4) Gold Award. Gold Award. Gold Award.
5) AP tests. AP review.
6) Sanity is starting to seem like a luxury I can't indulge in until after I finish all this crap.
7) My legs. I hate my legs. I hate myself. I have three weeks to figure something out.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 29 April :: 4.06pm
:: Music: Wicked soundtrack

It's so weird not having Barrett around.

1) Lunch is quieter and our table feels empty. Kavya was on a trip today, and it felt so weird eating with just Brieanna. I miss our conversations, because they were amusing (most of the time) and he was always a good listener on the rare occasion I had something to say. And I keep remembering little things he used to do. Brie will say something and it will remind me of him and I'll smile, and then I'll remember that he's not coming back and I'll be sad again.

2) I'm singing tenor in choir now on a couple of songs. So is Sarah. The three tenors left decided that they needed help, so Mrs. G asked me if I would sing tenor. It's actually a bit of a small ego boost, that she thinks that I'm capable of helping a section, particularly one that has a slightly different range. I think, though, that she asked me just because she didn't want to take out any super strong altos (altos need help) and because I'm semi-decent, not because I'm a wonderful singer. But it is odd to be sitting in the back of the room now.

3) The trip was definitely different without Barrett. Particularly since the subject of him came up daily. It was so weird to hear everyone talking about him when he wasn't there. And he's still being talked about.

And Barrett wasn't even a particularly close friend for me. I feel horrible for Brieanna. I can't help but compare Barrett and Stina in my head though. Barrett was forced to leave and not contact people anymore. Stina left on her own perogative. I'm not sure which is more hurtful.

On the subject of things that don't have to do with Barrett...actually, I can't think of anything right now. I'm tired.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 13 April :: 10.45pm
:: Mood: stressed
:: Music: Suzanne Vega

gah...
What I should be doing: homework. What I'm actually doing: nothing.

I had a doctor's appointment today. Okay. Drove straight to my mother's work...and waited fifteen minutes. Made awesome time, so we stopped so my mom could get a diet coke float. Was still ten minutes early. And I couldn't drive Katie home (or stop home myself) why? The doctor was fast (saw me at 4 for a 3:30 appointment, pretty good for him), and he upped my meds and gave me a note for gym class. Good news: no more running over a lap and I can have caffeine on the music trip. Bad news: I have to take rather a lot of my meds to not have caffiene...so it's only for the music trip. Oh well.

After the doctor, we went to Liberty Village (mother's idea) and I got black pants for the trip (my old ones are huge on me) and a nice black jacket. Then I got my meds, picked up my car, and came home for approximately three minutes before being shoved out to go to dinner at the diner. Got home at exactly 8 o'clock.

There's a message on the answering machine from Mrs. Dry about the crp recertification starting at 8...so I grabbed my mask and ran to the car (I took the van, because it was blocking my monte carlo), got there at 8:05. Got home at 9:45.

My father is on the computer (just got on, he says). He knows that I have five million things to do, because I already told him that I would need the computer for a while tonight, and I had asked him if he could do whatever he needed to do as soon as we got home from dinner. Finally, it's after 10, he finally comes upstairs and pretends to be surprised that I never came down...fcuk him, he knew I was waiting upstairs. I told him that, and he squirmed, so I know I'm right. I try to start my essay. Too tired. GAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

And right now I'm just trying to wake up, but it's too late for that so I'm going to have to do everything tomorrow...and I think I'm going to scream.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 12 April :: 9.23pm
:: Mood: unwonderful
:: Music: Suzanne Vega

Things
Because I don't feel like putting everything in paragraphs:

1) I'm tired. Part of it is the normal not-enough-sleep brand of tiredness. But I'm also just tired--tired of being with people, tired of dancing around my mother, tired of being accomodating on things I actually don't want to give in on. And I know that it's not unreasonable to expect me to be social and nice to my mother and all...I'm just tired.

2) The whole being with people thing...I can't hack it. There are certain people that I care a great deal about, yet I still feel drained after spending time with them. If I ever doubted that I am truly an introvert, all doubt is gone. I need to have lots of time on my own, or I can't handle things well.

3) I hate lies. And my thumb is sore, because I ripped a lot of skin off the fingerpad. Just touching it is painful.

4) Music trip...good idea right now? I'm not sure. Going to Atlanta should be cool, but I don't know if I can take five days of constant interaction. True, I'll have headphones and a book (or three), but I'm still going to be fairly busy. And I have a slightly niggling sense of aphrehension--who am I going to hang out with? Will my roommates hate me? And on and on, stupid fears that don't hold up under close examination but still bother me.

5) I have so much crap to do. And I'm not getting any of it done.

6) I'm going to bed soon. I don't care how early it is. I don't care that I haven't done any homework or any work on my Gold Award. If I'm going to not go postal, I need sleep.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 11 April :: 5.14pm
:: Mood: lackadaisical
:: Music: Solitude Standing (Suzanne Vega)

I finally cut Christina off in my heart (or I thought). Then I saw her today and had the longest private conversation (mostly private) we've had in forever. Important things were learned, one of them being that she is definitely graduating. And she got my birthday card. And she promised to call tonight after I cleared her for calling after 10. I think she will this time, partially because of things I said. And I gave her her Christmas/Birthday gift.

I'm feeling vulnerable again. If she doesn't call me tonight I think I'll stop looking for her. If an opportunity like today comes up (when I was able to sit with her in assembly) I won't take it. But I really cherished our friendship, so I'll let myself be hopeful one last time. After this I can't take it anymore (which was what I thought last time, ha).

It's worthy to note, though, that we were able to talk very easily. Sometimes I don't know what to say to people, but it's nice to know that Christina and I can still talk.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 10 April :: 12.04am
:: Music: Suzanne Vega

today
I called Jen yesterday to see if she wanted to do something for dinner tonight because our parents were going to some dinner and I wanted something to do. She and Mark were going to PA to his brother's house for a bbq, so they brought me with them. We left at 1ish and I got back at 11:30. It was nice, I think.

I'm tired. I feel just a little off right now. Things were good...but not quite. I don't know. I hate getting depressed. There's no reason for me to not be happy, and, at 18, I'm old enough to be completely responsible for my own wellbeing.

Plus, it's late, and I have to get up at 7ish tomorrow morning.

response?

fadingintoblue

:: 2005 6 April :: 11.24pm
:: Music: Suzanne Vega

I hate teen angst. I really do. I hate acting like a stereotypical teenager, I hate agonising over stupid stuff, I hate obsessing over things.

And I feel sick when I eat. And I threw up again today. And there is absolutely no logical reason for feeling like this. I ate lunch with Kavya today, and the two of us had a nice time (without talking about depression, abuse, stupid parents, self-harm, the unfairness of life, how exhausted we are, or any of the other not-so-positive topics that seem to come up daily at lunch). We did mention that we're both insane, but it was more of a happy thing.

But I'm angry at myself, because I've been saying stupid things and being hurtful without even trying. And I'm thinking too much, because I just about convinced myself earlier that Stina stopped coming around because I'm an ass before I realized that, judging by the way she told me not that long ago that I'm the one friend she never got angry with, is probably untrue. Still. Today's one of those days where everything is almost lined up to be good, but something happens and the day sucks anyway.

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