silentcriez
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2005 18 June :: 1.59pm
we walk around aimlessly as we search for the answers to lifes questions. but who can really answer them? who can tell you what love is? when love can be interpreted differently by each and every person on this earth? whose to say whats wrong or right? we base everything on our society whats accepted and whats frowned upon. but its never really wrong unless you feel its wrong..
life works in crazy ways and i think that he was sent to me to get past everything.. to make my life easier to make me feel loved.. and its working im happy and i have been for the past week and every seemingly minute change in my life is impacting more than i can even grasp right now
joe and scott came over the other night and we had a talk about death.. and what joe said was completely true people are afraid of death because they feel nothing.. "like sleeping without dreaming" you dont feel anything when your sleeping.. your just.. not there.. and everything is going on around you and you are blissfully un aware.. and that scares me
and i also realized what my problem is..
i am constantly the one giving advice helping ppl analyzing ppl and things around me.. and when i am questioned i cant stand it.. because i am vulnerable and i cant stand rejection because im vulnerable and i cant stand heartbreak because i cant control it.. i hat e situations where im not in control.. just like i cant control whether or not i can hit a baseball when its thrown to me and that fact that i might not hit it shys me away from the game
just like with guys.. im afraid to make the first move because i dont know if they want me.. and once i know they want me im not afraid.. because its gaurenteed.. i wont feel rejection.. and that puts me in control of the situation..
i sit here day by day watching my ashtray fill up with cigarette after cigarette.. and its proof to me that one day is the same as the next..
life is crazy.. love is pain.. pain is pleasure.. and i live for it all..
.. my confession because i'm diluted
& perfectly flawed
i shall live by passion
& not by law
and i'm insecure ...
i need aggression
to feed the spiders of perception
and i'm supposed to be strong
& have all the answers
a cannibal
in the new church of cancer
but i'm nothing special
i'm not unique
i have many secrets
& i eat the weak
and i'm at an end
i'm at an end .....
and there's ...
NO WAY OUT!!
[chorus]
i need to find my sanctuary
..... someplace safe
gotta get this outta me
..... this is my escape
and i think about it all the time
i'm volatile and afraid to cry
but i'm still not comfortable
in my skin and the
anesthetics slowly wearing thin
& i need to talk to someone new
i need a different latitude
& i'm in this void all alone!
feeling needy... hungry to grow
but i'm suffocating -- can't come down
and .... no ....
THERE'S NO WAY OUT!!!
--- all i see is sadness
all i see is sadness ....
what's left?
-- this will teach them.
this will teach them,
......you've got to......
push.
Push.
PUSH............you are not alone
- this is where i hide my power
- this is where i become free
- this is where i take control
- and slowly choke your fantasies
- i want to know my day is coming
- see my enemies be punished
- shed my skin again
- this will be my best revenge!!
SHED MY SKIN AGAIN
THIS WILL BE MY BEST REVENGE!
2 <3//s |
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 18 June :: 1.01am
why does it feel so good to be so bad...
interesting..
Put me on the counter in the kitchen
Now baby pour my body with some ice cream
Lick me from head to toe
Bending me over
69'll be the next thing
I wanna taste your body all night long
From sun up to sun down I wanna make you moan
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 17 June :: 6.20am
it must of been love
but its over now..
it must have been good
but i lost it somehow...
[xXx]
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Cocopuff
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2005 16 June :: 2.54pm
:: Music: Jack Johnson-"Posters"
hmm
Its been so long since i wrote in this thing but i jsut randmly got the urge to write in here..
TEN DAYS TILL MY BIRTHDAY :-D!!!
well school is amost over, only finals left.. then im off to flordia for 2 weeks :-( i really dont want to go.. its to long to b away i think.. but what can i do?
"All this talk of getting old is getting me down my love.."
I cant believe that i only have two years of high school left.. it makes me sad to think abot.. it seems like it all just strated... and they say these days are the best times of are lives... thats scary.. with all the dram and shit that goes on EVERYDAY over nothing how can these times b the best.. and if they relly are then how much wores can life b?? and what about all these people i love?? am i really never goann see them after high school... that thought of that makes me so sick to my stomach...
all i know is that shit is all fucked up i guess.. and im jsut writing to my slef right now so im goann write my law final wich is worth my time...
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 16 June :: 2.27pm
You say you wander your own life
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
Youre gone from here, soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
Cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same
Oh everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 13 June :: 6.26am
soo yesterday i went to scotties graduation party which was fun ryan sean joe and steph were there so it was obv good to see them :-)
n i was glad i got to spend some time with scottie n meet some new ppl
i miss you.....
i want you to come home..
im going crazyyyyyyyyy
the wind blows away the past
and the world watches helplessly
natural beauty hides beneath the skin
enveloping what ive hidden within
--and again i glance into your eyes
the sun shines down exposing the truth
truth which has been lost
pain which has been cast aside
taken by the hands of time
--and again rain falls from the sky
the clouds block my view
and sheild the light from my skin
containing all that i am in a whisp
in a feeling something like this
--and again i succumb to the lies
the earth quakes and i skip a step
im jolted now from side to side
turned inside out and i cant turn back
the skies awak and its fading into black
--and again a spirit dies
the moon rises high in silvery praise
dancing with the stars
which hide in the blackening sky
and i wont return, to wonder why
--glancing into your eyes..
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 12 June :: 12.21pm
im sorry scottie and joe :(
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 8 June :: 10.50pm
hm..
so i went home sick from school today cuz i felt like ass.. i woke up and i felt shitty so i smoked and then i just got a pounding headache and i was shivering, sweating, had a sore throat and i was all achey :( idk whats wrong with me i slept for 2 periods in the nurses office and then came home and slept and then dana came and got me.. we went back to his house for a little.. yum and then to jimmis for packing and shit.. so they left tonight for bonnaroo theyre gonna have so much fun!!
n then i came home n ryan and schotty came over around 8:30 i <3 them n we smoked n just hung out..
n now im up smoking a butt before bed.. yum
mwah
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 6 June :: 9.19pm
hm so jimmi dana nikkie joe and lizzy came over today.. we worked on the project and dana and jimmi grabbed the tent and mucho pot was smoked... yum.. haha kinda hard to keep focused on what we were trying to do :-p
im gonna miss dana and jimmi for a whole week :( but theyre gonna have fun im wickid jealous!!
ahhh well shits on my mind once again...
in the words of dana "All of your friends are gonna leave you"
harsh but true.. and i need to start realizing nothings forever..
not even life.. not even love.. not even anything..
hm..
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 5 June :: 10.59pm
bahhhh
so today was hotttt as hell but it was jimmis graduation so i went to the party with jena which was fun. didnt do much else exciting besides shower and talk on the fone aimlessly with dana.. hum.. they leave weds. im so jealous!!
hm. well i really dont have much else to write now except for the fact that i feel completely immature and i feel as if i have gone against everything ive built for myself as morals with this fighting and shit.. i mean thats not me and thats not who i want to be.. and ive been bad i ate a cheese burger and a taco that dana forced me to eat dammit... damn meat.. gr
1 <3// |
[xXx]
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