Cocopuff
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2005 24 April :: 10.19pm
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 24 April :: 9.51pm
im so sick of her.. i just wish that she would go away cuz then i wouldnt have to worry.. i wouldnt be on edge.. i woudlnt be so crazy..
my grandpa died today.. it was pretty bad..
idk what to write
im quite confused
Pimpin In 1869: A superficial attraction is still an attraction -- and quite strong at that
^ good qoute
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 22 April :: 1.35pm
mmmmmmmmm great night :-)
thank you guys for a great bdayyyyyyyyy <33
lets see a ton of ppl came.. sarah steph anna goncha krissy lizzy kelsey katie dana jimmi alex scott tony jessy sarah amanda and ryan and scotty
everybody left around 10 but dana and jimmi stayed till around 12:30 and sarah lizzy and anna slept over.. haha jimmi and lizzy passed out at like 11 and sarah and anna fell asleep upstairs lol they were party poopers haha but dana and i stayed up like cool cats..;-)
mmmm i need sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 21 April :: 10.17am
sooo jimmi woke me up with the first happy birthday at 7:30!! ahh i was half asleep but it made me happy :-)
ViaConDios307: happy b day
miDGeT8149: happy birthdayyyy
Kocis350: happy bday
Kocis350: its earth day too
KrazEEace 2: happy birthday manda
QteeKate88: HAPPY MOTHER FUCKING BIRTHDAY!
kels7216: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Pimpin In 1869: happy birthday.. find me.. you know
pSyChOpAtHiC366: HAYYP BIRTHDAY BABY!!!
JoeBoxerJC: happy b day nijjy
EmmyD89: HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMANDA!!!!!!!!!!!!
cait 3190: HAPPY BIRTHDAY MANDA:-D
C Will1489: happy birth day
LiLBaBiK32: aw happy birthday!
ToR2189: Happy birthday!!!:-)
Squishlover22: hey i hope you got my messages i left online.. i didnt get a chance to call im tharrrry :-( i hope your sixteenth b day was goood :-) love you!
scoobystoner420: happy b-day
BlueEyedSliver8: happy late b-day
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 19 April :: 2.53pm
Well I'm not asking to be loved or be forgiven
Hey I just can't shaken in this bedroom
One more night alone
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And I couldn't care less about what you want to say
And I wish that it wasn't just me
Oh I don't think I'm better or kinder of heart, I'm as guilty as I can be
But every chance I get to put a smile on someone's face I will take it, believe me
--
In case you're wondering
I'm still on your side
As she embraces all of me
I want her only to need me
It doesn't matter what I tell her because she changes
Her mind before she speaks
And tends to talk before she thinks
But how I love her
I know there's truth for you somewhere
If I were wise I'd take you there
But I'm not, at least not yet
So I'll be watching you instead
In your room, in your room
In your room
I can wander around forever
And I recognize the color of the walls that we painted
In your chair
That I broke because I was careless
I can sit and watch you dance around
My words are spoken
I am on your side
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I feel you and you feel me as I feel you
It's good, it's scary
The speed, the heat, it's deep, and steep
It's light but hard to carry
Listen when I'm silent there's a
Sound that only you can hear
Listen when it's quiet I know
You can hear it, cover up your ears
Cover up your ears
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When you like music more than life, something's wrong
When you start sleeping as you drive, something's wrong
When you're favorite drink is thinner, something's wrong
When you're proud to be a sinner
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As you're living through another year
Oh, what a waste of time it is
To indulge inside of bliss
Getting ready for another year like this
Another year to lie
Another year goes by
You're not sick, so you can't heal
But I wonder do you feel
The need to cry: 'I'm out of here'
Oh, your goal is safe
But is it all you crave
Is it me who cannot see
The face of mediocrity
I try to smile you see
Your lightness darkens me
Filter all of your emotions.
Fake you're never low
Or face the one you fear
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Don't call me sinner
Don't call me nerd
Don't call me chaotic
Because you heard
I have strange feelings
I have weird thoughts
But don't call me an artist
Because I'm not
I am an animal, a saint
A grown up child without a name
I am a black man, I am gay
I say we're basically the same
Don't label me
I'm not a colour
I'm not a sex
I'm not a partner
I'm not an ex
Don't call me nigger
Don't call me queer
Don't call me retarded
Although I am
I am an animal, a saint
A grown up child without a name
I am a black man, I am gay
I say we're basically the same
Don't label, don't you see
A wooden table is actually a tree
Which is basically the same
Which is basically the same
Which is basically the same as you as me
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 19 April :: 1.27pm
BlckTangldHrt35x: throughout our entire relationship, ive always felt.. less important than the guy who was in the room. because when theres a guy im invisble which i guess is selfish. but i know that i wouldnt do that. and if i ever have itd probably have happend with dana, and you never once told me it bothered you, as i have. i also told you that
BlckTangldHrt35x: i didnt want to be the cause of you having to change plans with cj or anything because id feel even worse making you plan around me. i just also didnt want to have to win the attention of my friend. you can look at it your way and think that im being selfish and have no right to be sad, but if thats what you think then i guess i really dont care anymore.. or you can look at it through my eyes and see that what im seeing.. see that i dont wanna be second best, see that maybe im jealous.. and see that maybe i dont want to have to be around two couples who cant keep their hands off eachother..
BlckTangldHrt35x: so maybe im jealous.. maybe thats wrong of me.. but maybe you could see that im depressed and it doesnt help.. it doesnt mean that you have to plan around me it just means that maybe once in a while you didnt have to be sucking face with cj in front of me is that too much to ask? is it? its not that i dont want you to be happy.. its just a thought of mine.. in order to be happy do you have to be sucking face every second? is that what happiness is to you?
[xXx]
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xoxchubbyxox
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2005 18 April :: 6.44pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: if i aint got you ~ Alica Keys
blah...
i try to update as much as possible but i have nothing interesting to say.... :-/
im going to FL next week, which should be fun.
things are getting somewhat better as time passes here. i feel good about things in general with a few worries i guess.
everyday i still find myself missing all of the things i had. and i wonder will i have that again? in some senses i think i will but in others i guess i don't see it happening. id like to come close.
summers almost here...2 more months or so... i wanna visit you guys...itll be like last summer which now seems like yesterday. the year is going by so fast...i cant wait to see you guys soon...i miss you alot.
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 17 April :: 11.27pm
something fucked i wrote!!!! read!
Evils Last Breath
I had only known nick or Andrews, as his "followers" would call him, for about two weeks when it all happened. He aproached me at the corner of the local hangout, the cross between the intoxicated reality, and my own views. Groups of tainted youths congragated to bask in the beauty of marijuana. An escape, a release, maybe even to consume time. whatever the reason, in this town, there always was one. Andrews had been eyeing me out for the past couple of interactions. i could see it in his eyes that there was something he wanted, some sort of impure intentions. deep down i couldnt say i denied feeling the same, but there was something in the peirce of his stare that sent chills down my spine and an unsettling kurtle in my stomache. This instance was slightly different, i found myself entertained by his dangerous games. I liked the feeling of his warmth in the middle of winter. i liked the way he looked at me, the way i could feel his eyes trace my body, along my supple breasts, down to my navy blue flipflops, or black stillettos, whichever i had happened to have chosen that day. as the heat began to rise, and the smoke engulfed the room, i found myself intoxicated. My new toy was Nick Andrews, and i was the bait for his biggest scheme. In his black mustang, we sped like an arcade game down the winding streets of Berham, each turn hugging the curb. Our destination was an open house, i had been to parties before, but parties with my friends not ones that Nick brings his most recent bait to. i stepped into the stifled room and noted the sparatic beer kegs placed about the room. each persons eyes scanned the room like an airforce radar would an enemy. I had remembered seeing Amber, and Teri somewhere huttled near the doorway, sparking a joint. i wandered aimlessly through the house which was packed wall to wall. After smoking a few joints with them, Andrews came to carry me away, as if i was a princess. i scurried away with him, my toy, to the last vacant room in the house. we sat on the desheveled bed, which looked like it had been used recently. as he began to inch closer to me, a million thoughts spiraled through my head. his strong, captivating lips carressed my cheek, and his powerful hands slid down my pants, and into my silk black thong. Before either of us got riled up, i quickly reminded him to get a condom. he swore under his breath and left the room breifly, frantically searching for the antibaby material. He rentered the room with a condom in an electric green wrapper, and a red plastic cup filled with only god knows what. he handed me the cup and told me "Youll be in a whole new world any minute." my lips quivered as i chugged the mystery liquid. Andrews slowly pressed against me, so as to show me what i had done. i felt his hard cock against me, and once again a surge of thoughts were spewed. for a split second i happy, and wanted, thats when i began my ever increasingly fast downfall. my hearing was the first to be affected. the mumbling of the party which i had heard before was now gone, and i could no longer hear Nick's dirty fantasies being whispered into my ears. Next went my sight. the room began to swirl, i was distracted by the glow of Nicks cigarrette as he continued to rub my breasts, now so forcefully. as the room began to fade, i noticed a sudden demonic glow come about Nick. the kurtling feeling in the pitt of my stomache began, and i no longer felt i had control of my actions. I woke up and i was lying on a couch, in a dirty house, which reaked of beer. bodies were passed out on each square inch of the house. i stumbled across the dark room, still seeing double. i made my way carefully to the bathroon which enveloped the stench of puke. i hunched over the toilet and gagged, wanting to rid myself of what i had swallowed. i tried to remember if i had taken any pills, or drank anything too strong. suddenly i remembed Nick's distict words. "Youll be in a whole new world any minute.." The obvious sorce of this false insanity was in the red plastic cup Nick had coerced me into drinking. i felt around the wall to find the light switch. a dim buzzing light flickered on and i stared at myself in the mirror. what was i? i felt like a ghost, like a demon, empty of any emotions. my face was swirling in the mirror and i felt as if i wasnt alone. these drugs, whatever i had been given had surged some sort of uneasyness in me. i was jumpy, irritable and trembling due to my constant thought. i cornerd myself in the bathroom, locked the door, and flicked off the already dying light. rummeging through the cabinets, i violently threw pills, bandaids and soaps in a tornado in the room. i felt as if the walls were closing in on me. i noticed a shining slice of silver on the sink, it was a small shaving razor which had fallen loose when thrown in my fit of rage. i coudlnt tell whether it was the drugs, or the alcohol which caused my bouts of anger but i didnt know how to deal with it. i sat myself in the corner of the bathroom, and slowly dragged the blade across my flacid pale arm. Repeatidly i ripped away the skin on my wrist. the blood began to pour. i stared at what i hated in the mirror, what was used by Nick, what was niave and vulnerable enough to get drugged up. my arms began flailing as my nails gouged away at my pristine features. The blood was more unbearable than anyone could fathom, my sight now faded out again. the echoes of my thoughts were all the was heard. My body lay propped against a wall, drenched in blood. After sitting several hours lifelss, a drunken slut stumbled into the bathroom to find my body, mutilated and cold. Her blood kurtling scream awoke the rest of the house, with the exception of a few poisoned partyers. The stench of death permeated the house, and it was quickly evacuated. i hoverd above the room and watched as people cried with fear, and some even lauged with amusement. They couldnt do much else, they were under the influence. My body was suddenly lifted, Nick had carried me onto the porch. I watched as he prepped his car for a second ride in his mustang, only this time i would be riding in the trunk. At this point neighbors had notified the police about the screaming and underaged drinking. Cop sirens could be heard in the distance, which frightened Nick. As he sped up he failed to show any sign of incomposure. He seemed ready, he seemed experienced, which lead me to believe i wasnt his first. Nicks car absorbed each bump, and my flacid body was tossed around the trunk violently. as Nicks car strained up the hill he sighed with releif as he could see the bridge up ahead. just as he began to think he was in the clear, he spotted the blue flashing lights, creeping over the crest of the hill. Fear stricken Nick sped up, this car hit a patch of ice and nick and my dead body were thrown. The car veered to the right, and straight through the gaurdrails of the rickedy wooden bridge, chosen as the route of escape. Nicks car slowly sank to depths of the river, each window filling up fatally every second. the police screeched on their breaks and flew out of their cars, flashlights in hand. the beams of light hit Nicks fading face, and watched his last moments of life. His hearing was the first to go, the muffled screams of the police were the last he heard. Next was breath, and lastly his sight. Nicks guilty eyes saw the last of me, as we rotted slowly in the bottom of the river. Lights flashing, water rushing, the world spinning, he watched it all.. as it faded into the black of his heart.
1 <3// |
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 14 April :: 11.32pm
and you know that i want ya
and you know that i need ya
is that any way to be?
just have your way with me..
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[xXx]
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silentcriez
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2005 14 April :: 6.25am
my birthdays in 8 days!!! ahhhhh
so whats the plan for vacation? i wanna go down to the cape and partayyyyyyyyy
ahh i cant write right now
but i need what i wanted all along..
[xXx]
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