:: 2003 1 January :: 1.20 am

i am at my cousins house right now. its bout 1:30. there are a few juniors and sophmores surprisely. there is one guy that has really pretty eyes. there has been something that i figured would usually happen. he i guess likes my sister. he has a great smile. there is a funny part to this. his name is ----.

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:: 2002 30 December :: 9.01 pm

today i had a knee appointment. then my mom and i had chiense. then i saw i nail place. i had christmas money and i thought it would be fun to get my nails done by someone else than my sister. she had said it would hurt. it didn't hurt at all. i think they look neat. on the way song. my breath was taken away once more. the song came on the radio. i dont really describe how it made me feel. other than i felt even more that there was something missing.

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:: 2002 30 December :: 8.41 pm

written last night
the song came on
my heart stopped
i held my breath
then let out a deep sigh
those words flowed though my mind
my head ached
my heart burned
i didn't cry
but it felt like i was
when it came on
my body felt numb
the song has passed
the lyrics clear in my mind
i wonder
if he heard the song as well
if so
how did he feel
i wonder
my breathe still taken away
i fell to deep
slowly i climb out
the funny thing is
if given the chance
iw ould fall all over again

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:: 2002 29 December :: 10.28 pm

slow and boaring. the days go day. not much to do. haven't talked to that many people. i wonder i wonder.

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:: 2002 29 December :: 7.56 pm

my sister is gone until monday afternoon. i just got home from seeing maid in manhatten. its a very good movie. my comment of today is "blah"

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:: 2002 27 December :: 3.06 pm

my heart skipped a beat. my stomach was in my throat. i felt tears coming but i held them back. on the inside i was crying. it was on the radio again.

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:: 2002 27 December :: 1.08 pm

i wont be home for a while i am going shopping. i am going to the t square and some place to eat. i am not sure if i will go anywhere else. its about 1:30 my guess i will get home at a little after 3:30 at the latest.

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:: 2002 26 December :: 9.08 pm

today has been a blah. i have mostly sat around and watched movies. here are some lyrics by random i found.


Well you think that you can take me on
You must be crazy
There ain't a single thing you've done
That's gonna phase me
Oh, but if you want to have a go
I just want to let you know
Get off my back and into my game
Get out of my way and out of my brain
Get outta my face or give it you best shot
I think it's time you better face the fact
Get off my back

You know it's all just a game that I'm playing
Don't think that you can't find a way in
That's what I'm saying
Oh if you want to have a go
I just want to let you know...


"When It's Over"

When it's over
That's the time I fall in love again
And when it's over
That's the time you're in my heart again
And when you go, go, go, go
I know it never ends
It never ends
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs that she used to sing
All her favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window
I'm missing you
I never knew how much she'd loved me
I'm missing you
I never knew how much you meant to me
I need you
And when you go, go, go, go
I know
It never ends
Never ends
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs that she used to sing
All her favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window
I'm missing you
You never said you were pretending
I'm missing you
You'd feel the same just come back to me
I need you
And when you go, go, go, go
I know
It never ends
It never ends
When it's over
Can I still come over (And when you go...)
And when it's over
Is it really over
When it's over
That's the time I fall in love again
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs that she used to sing
All her favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs that she used to sing
All her favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window

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:: 2002 25 December :: 10.47 pm

my eyes welled with tears but only one drop fell. when i heard a song i hadn't heard on the radio in a long time.

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:: 2002 25 December :: 6.48 pm

as usual i feel like i dont fit in with my family. on my moms side i feel more welcome then on my fathers. i am the youngest. on this side i am a bug. the oldest are in the spot light. everybody but me. i just feel out of place. its not the fisrt time i have felt like this. its strange. sometimes even in my house, my room i feel out of place.

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:: 2002 25 December :: 9.51 am

merry christmas. it doesn't really feel like christmas. it didn't really feel like it last year. i got some neat stuff. like the best of the cowboy bebop, some cool pens, a bean bag. and a few other movies. it just doens't feel like christmas. it just feels like an ordinary day in a way. even though the meaning of christmas is so much more. for example. in church the paster went though what each letter meant in "christmas love". at the end he said the person holding the "m" turn it upside down. then it said "christ was love". he was love. and i believe he still is.maybe christmas has changed because i am getting older. i dunno.

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:: 2002 23 December :: 11.28 pm

it felt so good i just had to come back and write about it before i went to bed. it was like waking up after a good dream. i had 3 candles. i had classical music playing and it was as if the flames were dancing to the music. the water wasn't hot but it wasn't cold it was just right. the water felt so soft. when i closes my eyes i felt like a flames dancing. i also had bubbles. but soon the water became colder. the music and the candles didn't really change. but the water did. plus my mom was telling me to get out. it felt so soothing. my skin feels so soft and tingley. with a sigh i say goodnight.

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:: 2002 23 December :: 10.50 pm
:: Music: fishersnet

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:: 2002 22 December :: 10.50 pm

i went with my sister shopping today. we got something for our parnets and some of her friends. i got a cd. it was the guy that sings the impossible. here is the chours. and a little of other parts.

Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen
Happen just like that
Unbendable steel bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I’ve learned to never underestimate the impossible


So don’t tell me that it’s over
Don’t give up on you and me
Cause there no such thing as hopeless
If you believe


Unsinkable ships sink
Unbreakable walls break
Sometimes the things you think could never happen
Happen just like that
Unbendable steel bends
If the fury of the wind is unstoppable
I’ve learned to never underestimate the impossible

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:: 2002 21 December :: 9.16 pm

i had a really strange dream last night here it is.

it was kinda early in the morning i was talking to ------ on the phone. we both didn\'t have anything to do so we decided to try and see the new james bond movie. so we were going to at at like 4:30. my dad wanted to go to his friends house. he had my mom and i go too. i was still wearing my glasses. my dads friends son was out side. he was about 16 or 17. i can\'t really remind what his name was. he was not tall but not short. really buff. reminded me of a cowboy in a way. dark hair and brown eyes. so he got in the car with us. which was pointless because all we did was drive like 5 feet more. he made me mad when he whisled at my sister. on the way. he dad had a horse. it was really beautiful. mostly dark brown. but with a pinto marking on the side of his neck and down by his feet. he dad said he was a wild one and who could ever ride him calmly the horse would be there\'s and he would keep the horse at his house. i took one look at the horse and new i could do it. i petted the side of his neck and the horse reared away a little bet. the dad said he did like me. i very slowly tried again and the horse was fine. when it was time to go when i stopped petting the horse it nusled my as if saying \"please dont go\" my parnets said i could stay longer until the movie. since i still had a few hours. i went inside. it was an old fashion house that you see on wild west movies. across the road from the house there were big dirt piles. many other horses usually rode there. i decided to give it a try. since i dont remember the sons name i will just call him trevor. trevor came with me. supriseingly i rode the horse. after a while trevor started riding with me. the horse didn\'t want to stop. i missed the movie.

that was only one part of the dream. the next part gets confuesing. first the horse and i are diving. then it deals with ice skating and a different girl who litereally broke the ice. she wanted trevor. i guess in my dream i was kinda seeing trevor so it made me mad. i dont remember much else. other than that in the end i got the boy and the horse. the funny part is on the way to lunch i was thinking that i would run into him. we would both say at the same time \"you were in my dream\" it was really werid. i saw this guy at old coutry buffet, his body reminded me of him. i thought that was kinda funny. i got the really sweet outfit today. i love my new pants. they are so comfortable and i love how the pants look. and i got a really cute shirt. well i am going to go. watch tv eat food, be board.

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