::
2002 20 December :: 9.17 pm
i just got done watching halloween resurection. it was a really scary movie. the ending would have been better if decker and sarah would be face to face. if you see the movie you will know what i am talking about. tonight has been a slow night. i wont really be able to sleep in tomorrow. i am going to have lunch in grand rapids with my moms friends from the lake. they are really close we call them grandma and aunt. usually i wouldn't agree but i know grandma has been going though a hard time. esapilally over the summer. her husband died before the begining of the last summer. they would sit in front of this big window and talk about everything. they were happy with their lives. grandma wasn't up there as much as she would have been. she had said it just wasn't the same without him. i am not sure what else i will be doing tomorrow. i know that there is a wresling meet. even if it was here i dout i would go. most likely i will come home. watch movies. hopeing someone will call wanting to do something fun. thats what i dont really like about breaks. i am stuck in my house too long. there are classes were i could escape from the thoughts in my mind. or when i am with friends. i will be spending alot of time on the computer. over the break i have some math i can do to get ready for the exam. i also have my biology book. i am not sure what i am suppose to study for but oh well. i will most likely have to clean my room sometime. my families are have christmas on christmas day. one in the morning and one at night. thats how it usually goes. i dont know what i will be doing for new years eve. i was envited to a party but i guess i was forgotten. most likely i will be stuck home with my parents. they usually go out and have some drinks. so i guess i will be home alone. i know alot of people are going to the all-nighter. even if i wanted to go my mom wouldn't let me. so all in all i will be spending this new years eve.........alone.
...... |
::
2002 20 December :: 4.02 pm
i feel better and at the same time i dont. i feel better because of my mom. she wanted me to get my grade today and i did. she was really happy and really proud of me when she saw them. at the same time i dont feel good but i dont feel bad. i am somewhere inbetween. i fear the future. its been cold today. i feel cold but my forehead is warm to the touch. its cold all around me. on the inside too. sometimes if i eat ice then i shake really bad. like i am going into shock or something. my mind has been at ease and yet racing. in a blur where you can only make out a few words. my hand are shaky. that usually means i am scared, nervos, or i am not sure what you call it. i dont really know. i have to go now. i get to drive in the snow.
...... |
::
2002 19 December :: 9.06 pm
many words
but no understanding
i hear the words
but do not listen
many stories
just when you think the are done
there is still more to come
so many words
but no to me
i feel alone
even when many are around
what is a word
has a defition
many words by themselves
dont always mean very much
unless put into a senetence
too many words?
i dont think enough
they see me
yet i am insisible
impossible to hide my phyical form
my heart is far away
far away from this place
but my mind is still there,
trapped you could say
they all go
i am the last to leave
there was silence
but only for a moment
i leave to find more words
more people
all differnet
in some ways alike
soon the people will fade
into the things called class rooms
new faces, new voices
more words
no meanings
no understanding
its as a tornado
made of words
lots of words
all going at the same time
leave a quick as they came
once more
i hear, but not listen
many words
but not to me
my only words are on paper
i am not talking
but at the same time i am
my hand is talking to the papar
everyone talks
but not to me
once in a while there are a few words
if i could speak to the class
what would i say
would anyone listen
i dout they would
as i have said before
many people around me
yet i still feel alone
i as to get a drink of water
just to escape for a few mements
only to come back and
feel trapped again.
that goes though my mind everyday. in almost every class. it gets better when i start talking to people. i am but i am not trapped within the class room. i am but i am not trapped within my mind. when i am quite i think to much. it really scares me sometimes. i have a hard time falling asleep at night because of it. but i guess thats life. i will face it head on. i will no longer hide, in a way i will embrace it more than ever. sure i might shed a few tears here are there. but in the end i think it will be better for me that way. to just have fun. i should have learned this long ago. in a way i did know it. but i was always hiding. there will be times when i hide when i run. but i can't run nor hide forever.
...... |
::
2002 18 December :: 9.02 pm
we didn't have school today. i went and saw the twin towers the second lord of the rings movie. i sister just got done driving me crazy literally. then the car was dirty so we went to the car wash. and there was yelling and beeping and i have a head ache and i am going to take a bath then go to sleep because i have school tomorrow. so goodnight
...... |
::
2002 17 December :: 8.35 pm
I am not a child now, I can take care of myself
Mustn't let them down now, mustn't let them see me cry
I'm fine,
I'm fine
I'm too tired to listen
I'm too old to believe, all these childish stories
there is no such thing as faith, and trust, and pixie dust.
I try, but it's so hard to believe
I try, But I can't see what you see
I try, I try, I try
My whole world is changing
I don't know where to turn
I can't leave you waiting
But I can't stay and watch the city burn,
Watch it burn
I try, but it's so hard to believe
I try, but I can't see what you see
I try, I try
I try and try to understand the distance in between the love I feel and the things I fear and every single dream.
I can finally see it
Now I have to believe
All those precious stories
All the world is made of faith, and trust and pixie dust
So I'll try, cuz I finally believe
I'll try, cuz I can see what you see
I'll try I'll try I'll try
to fly
...... |
::
2002 16 December :: 8.40 pm
its strange. i wanted to watch a certain movie, because i like the music and it reminds me of someone. i called that someone and they were watching that movie. most likely it was all a big cowinceadence (i know i can't spell) yet strange. i found it a little funny. still strange
...... |
::
2002 14 December :: 10.04 pm
i am going to bed now. i am going to go to church tomorrow. goodnight
...... |
::
2002 14 December :: 7.10 pm
i am tired. i feel like a rootbeer float or something. then i am going to watch osmosis jones. i wanted to go see a movie with someone. but they weren't back in time. theres still a chance but not likely.
...... |
::
2002 14 December :: 12.08 pm
i think about him alot. i wonder if he ever thinks of me.
...... |
::
2002 13 December :: 11.19 pm
i feel lost even more than before. i have faded slowing into the shadows of where i use to be. i dont even think they care. everyones laughing haveing fun, why can't i? my mind is a blur. it seems as though the world is a blackhole. only very slowly it tourches you until its done with you. it doesn't always seem that way. at times it seems like time itself is frozen, but still goes by so fast. those are the good times. i try to hold on but they just seem to slip, then they are gone. just as the brightest star will fade in time, then we will no longer there. memories are only bits and peices. we remember the bad more than good. when i think about the good times it only leads to the bad, yet when i think of the bad, it only gets worse. its as though i am not here, but trapped with the thoughts with in my mind. thats when things get to me. if i keep busy i dont think about them, but sooner or later i relize that. just like in dreams. or when i just wake up. when i wake up my mind is clear, refresh, but i can't hold on to that. when i go to appreatie it, that only leads to the things that for one moment i was free of. the bad memories. the shadow in the mirror.
...... |
::
2002 12 December :: 8.36 pm
today in english we talked about guilt. because it had to deal with the novel we are reading. the teacher asked if anyone has ever felt guilty, if so did we feel better when we confessed it. i could totally relate. the guilt of not telling that person went away but at the same time made me feel even worse. because of the pain in their eyes. that same pain came on to me only it seemed much worse. the guilt of what i did still tears me up inside. i know i will never do that again. the sad part is i shouldn't have done that in the first place. i wasn't thinking. i wonder if he knows how sorry and bad i feel. even though it happend long ago. i do love him. for everything he is and everything he made me want to be. he showed me something i knew but didn't fully accept. he helped me see taht. that is why i love him, and yet so much more than i can say. i really dont like being short. today i cried because i felt so stupid, because i couldn't put the video in the vcr even with the tallest shoes i have. to make it worse someone even called me stupid because i didn't want to do it, because i knew i couldn't reach. but i tried anyway. i have been haveing strange dreams lately. not nessaryly nightmares but not wonderful. the dreams are just werid. i dont really know what to think of them. i am really tired so i am going to go to bed now. goodnight world. hello dreams.
...... |
::
2002 11 December :: 4.00 pm
for me things dont last very long. not that i dont want them to but they are usually hot and cold. i can be happy sometimes but in less than a mintue that can shatter. i am sure others can agree. but it drives me crazy. at one time things are clear and at other so blury. i am kinda proud of myself though i had the chance to do something again. something that really hurt me before. but i didn't to prove something to someone. i haven't told them. i am not sure if i will. it had hurt us both. i dont know if it hurts them anymore, but it kills me inside. there are times all i want to do is run and hide. i take my leave with these lyrics
Landslide (i like this song)the music is cool
I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life
Uh uh... uh uh, uh uh
Well, I've been afraid of changin
Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
And I'm getting older too
Well
(Instrumental)
Well, I've been afraid of changin
Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well, I'm getting older too
So take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
And you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well, the landslide brought it down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe...
Well maybe...
Well maybe...
The landslide'll bring you down
3 comment? |
...... |
::
2002 7 December :: 2.08 pm
i finally found the lyrics i heard on c.m.t.
Brokenheartsville
(Randy Bordreaux/Clint Daniels/Donny Kees/Blake Mevis)
He wore that cowboy hat to cover up his horns.
Sweet-talkin' forked tongue haf a temptin' charm.
Before I turned around, that girl was gone.
All I can say is: "Bartender, pour me somethin' strong."
Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass.
I hope she's happy with him.
Here's to the girl, who wrecked my world,
That angel who did me in.
I think the devil drives a Coupe de Ville.
I watched 'em drive away over the hill,
Not against her will, an' I've got time to kill,
Down in Brokenheartsville.
It was long on chrome, sittin' in the lot.
An' fire engine red, that thing was hot.
He revved it up, she waved goodbye.
Well, love's gone to hell and so have I.
Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass.
I hope she's happy with him.
Here's to the girl, who wrecked my world,
That angel who did me in.
I think the devil drives a Coupe de Ville.
I watched 'em drive away over the hill,
Not against her will, an' I've got time to kill,
Down in Brokenheartsville.
Here's to the past, they can kiss my glass.
I hope she's happy with him.
Here's to the girl, who wrecked my world,
That angel who did me in.
I think the devil drives a Coupe de Ville.
I watched 'em drive away over the hill,
Not against her will, an' I've got time to kill,
Down in Brokenheartsville.
...... |
::
2002 6 December :: 10.16 pm
i am not sure what it is, ut i haven't really felt like my self lately. i have been haveing werid dreams, i only remeber bits and pieces from it. my hands have been shakeing without any caffine. and over all i just feel really stupid. in school i dont really go to anyone, i let them come to me. with the exception of lunch. i dont sit where i use to. 2 people have asked me about it. i said its not like any one misses. they didn't disagree. that just makes me wonder. would anyone miss me if i were gone. it doesn't seem like anyone really cares anymore. and i wonder if they even did in the first place.
2 comment? |
...... |
|
