:: 2002 2 December :: 9.06 pm

well i am happy. one of my friends isn't being a prick anymore. that friend was really werid today, but as i talk to them on the phone they are back. the crazyist thing happen to me today. i can't tell but something about those eyes. i have to go to bed now. justin is werid. and he is kooky

1 comment? | ......

:: 2002 1 December :: 7.42 pm

in less than 2 days i have 2 of my best friends. one wont talk to me and i dont know why. the other is being a prick to me, useing my past against me when i was trying to be nice.

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:: 2002 1 December :: 7.20 pm

just a moment ago the doorbell rang. my heart stopped, and yet beat so fast. my soul flew. hopes went up only to come back down. it wasn't who i wanted it to be.

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:: 2002 1 December :: 7.08 pm

here are some lyrics that have been running though my mind. mostly just the chourses.

Tryin' To Matter
(Toby Keith/Scotty Emerick)

I'm a lonely man with a lonely life
A full-time job and part-time wife
And the grindstone just goes on and on
You're a lonely girl that's a lonely wife
Gotta three bedroom and an empty life
And you're not quite sure
Just where it all went wrong
There are lots of reasons why we should turn and walk away
But there's a whole lot ridin' on this love so baby what's ya say

Let's give it one good shot
Let's really give it all we got
We can take it nice and slow
Baby don't you want to go back
Where we had a chance
And we danced our dance
In a world where a heart could never shatter
We might go down cryin'
But at least our love will die
Tryin' to matter, tryin' to matter

We've come a long way so don't forget
let's don't throw our hands up yet
We've still got time
To change our mind
Honey let's give it our best tonight
If we still ain't got it right
We can always, always say goodbye
Somewhere I guess we let go, lost a little ground
One solitary heartbeat can turn this thing around

Let's give it one good shot
Let's really give it all we got
We can take it nice and slow
Baby don't you want to go back
Where we had a chance
And we danced our dance
In a world where a heart could never shatter
We might go down cryin'
But at least our love will die
Tryin' to matter
We might go down cryin'
At least our love will die
Tryin' to matter, tryin' to matter

I Can't Take You Anywhere
(Toby Keith/Scotty Emerick)

You've been a part of my life for so very long
It's hard for me to believe sometimes that you're really gone
I tuck your memory away in that special hiding place
Hoping no one could tell by the look on my face
That you're still in my heart, always on my mind
Part of my everyday
Like just last night I went out for a bite
I tried to have fun with all of my might
But even the laughter, it wasn't much of a break
'Cause right in the middle of my salad and steak
Bobby Joe walked in with a couple of friends
And said, "Hey have you heard from her at all man like
Where's she been?"

And it, struck a nerve
And it, hit a vein
You'd think from all the tears I cried
And this broken-hearted pain
I wouldn't have to carry you around with me
But it seems like everywhere I go
Somebody wants to know where you've been
Are you comin' back again, I swear
I can't take you anywhere

So I left all alone, just headed back home
As I listened to the messages on my telephone
There was one from my sister
And one from an old friend
He said, "I drove by your house tonight dude but
You weren't in
Just checkin' up on you boy, I hope you're doin' alright
Oh by the way man, I seen her last night

And it, struck a nerve
And it, hit a vein
You'd think from all the tears I cried
And this broken-hearted pain
I wouldn't have to carry you around with me
But it seems like everywhere I go
Somebody wants to know where you've been
Are you comin' back again, I swear
I can't take you anywhere

I swear, I can't take you
Just can't take you
I can't take you anywhere
I can't take you anywhere
I can't take you anywhere
I can't take you anywhere

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:: 2002 30 November :: 9.03 pm

i am so confuesed right now. my head is throbbing with pain. tears flow down my face like a river. and i can't explain the pain inside. other than it is beyond words. i dont know why. if i knew why i would let it go. but i dont want to be not talken to because of something i dont even know. i tried to go there. but its too far to walk. and i am not able to take a car. and i really thinking about walking though. but by the time i would get there it would be too late, everyone would be sleeping. i want to go so bad, but i can't. this might sound confuesing. its confuesing to me. i dont quite understand. i need someone to talk to. but there isn't anyone there. no anyone that i can call. the people i usually talk to aren't talking to me, and the other i dont feel like i can talk to anymore. i dont really have anyone to turn to. i know i can turn to god. but i want someone i can hear their voice in return. i am not saying that i might not hear him. i am saying i want my friends back. i just dont know what to do anymore. my head hurts, my heart aches and my soul feels like its been ripped apart. i dont know what to do. i dont know what can i do. so many things racing though my mind. there is a way to escape from this. into the dreamworld forever. but i dont want that to be the answer. i know it isn't. i am just saying that is one way. i looked in the mirror again today. for a second i thought i saw a spark. it was when i first woke up. but that spark has been drowed by my tears. as i fall into darkness i wonder, why am i here, if no one needs me.

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:: 2002 30 November :: 12.13 pm

i took a few parts out of the lyrics. i only put the parts down that i feel like.

i try to thing about rainbows,
when it gets bad,
you got to think about something,
to keep from going mad,

i try to think about big fat roses,
when the ship starts going dowm
but my head is wicked jealous,
dont want to talk about it right now,

in my head,
its only in my head (only in my head)
in my head
its only in my head (only in my head)

theres just something about you,
that gets me in twist,
and sometimes i think that cupid,
is just taking the piss,

in my head,
its only in my head (only in my head)
in my head
its only in my head (only in my head)

in my head,
its only in my head (only in my head)
in my head
its only in my head (only in my head)

i really think i have problem,
i really can't control myself,
why do i get so susupicious,

everybody wants everybody else,
everybody wants everybody else,
everybody wants everybody else,
only in my head
its only in my head

in my head,
its only in my head (only in my head)
in my head
its only in my head (only in my head)

dont think about the past

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:: 2002 30 November :: 12.03 pm

the other night i was out. i jumped off the gargare roof. i ducked between shadows and went about 9 streets down from where i live. they told me they would leave the door unlocked and they did. the motion light went off and i was so scared. after it turned off i went inside. i was so scared. i heard something so i hid behind the t.v. my phone went off. it scared the crap out of me cuz then i heard someone coming. i didn't know who it was so i was still hiding. then i saw their brother in only boxers, luckly he didn't see me. after a while i creeped toward his room. i looked the other way and saw him on the computer in his parents room. i didn't want to say anything. and he had head phones on. so i picked up the closest thing and threw it at him. he thought i was his brother and swore really loud, i was really scared then. he came out and saw me. so we went outside and talked. i told him about what happend and he laughed at me for a while. after a while it got kinda could so we went in his basement but then he thought that people could hear us so we went back outside. i took a pop and poored it on some snow. before i left we went inside to get warm. i almost fell asleep on his couch. he walked me a few streets then we said our goodbyes. after a while i looked back and i saw him looking back at me. i ran back to him, gave him a hug and started laughing. then i headed home. when i got home the front door was locked, so i had to open the garge door and then go inside, luckly the door was unlocked. that is the end of my crazy night. i did have alot of fun, minus the parts were i was really scared.

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:: 2002 27 November :: 9.43 pm

i dont understand. i was talking to someone on messenger. even before then i felt like i wanted to run to someone. i dont know who, but someone that not here. i called someone to see if there was anyway i could see them. there wasn't. and when i was talking with them, my jaw started shaking. tears literally were streaming down my face. its scary because i am not really sure why. i get like that sometimes when i think about people and things that have happen. but at that moment my mind was blank. i looked in the mirror. and i saw someone holding thing phone. tears falling over her cheeks. they had to go, but i couldn't say goodbye. i didn't want to let them go. all i wanted to do was to run where they were. even though it would take me like 10 hours. its kinda funny. because i think i would be worth it. the face it the mirror seems so confuesed. worthless in a way. good for nothing. not wanted, not needed, not cared about. i am very tempted to run out of this house to someone i know that lives near by. just to get away. not from this house, but to run from my fears. my troubles. anything that causes me pain. when i went bowling the other night, a song came on that made far to much sense to me. here are the lyrics.



when you feel it in your body
you found somebody who
makes you change your ways like
hanging with your crew
said you act like you’re ready
but you don’t really know
and everything in your past
you wanna let it go
been there done it, look around
after all that this is what I found
nobody wants to be alone
if you’re touched by the words in this song
then baby

u got it u got it bad
when you’re on the phone
hang up and you call right back
u got it u got it bad
if you miss a day without your friend
your whole life’s off track
u know u got it bad
when you stuck in the house
you don’t wanna have fun
that's all you think about
u got it bad
when you’re out with someone
but you keep on thinkin’
‘bout somebody else
u got it bad

when you say that you love him
and you really know
everything that used to matter
it don't matter no more
like my money or my cars
you can have it all and
flowers, cards, and candy
if u would just call
said I’m fortunate to have you girl
dont ya know
I really adore you
all my people
who know what’s going on
look at your mate
help me sing my song
tell her I’m your man
you’re my girl
I’m gonna tell it
to the whole wide world
ladies say I’m your girl
you’re my man
promise to love you
the best I can
see I’ve been there done it fucked around
after all that this is what I found
everyone of yall are just like me
it’s too bad that you cant see
that u got it bad

u got it u got it bad
when you’re on the phone
hang up and you call right back
u got it u got it bad
if you miss a day without your friend
your whole life’s off track
u know u got it bad
when you stuck in the house
you don’t wanna have fun
that's all you think about
u got it bad
when you’re out with someone,
but you keep on thinkin’
‘bout somebody else
u got it bad

u got it u got it bad
when you’re on the phone
hang up and you call right back
u got it u got it bad
if you miss a day without your friend
your whole life’s off track
u know u got it bad
when you stuck in the house
you don’t wanna have fun
that's all you think about
u got it bad
when you’re out with someone
but you keep on thinkin’
‘bout somebody else
u got it bad

some of that deals with it. and some parts don't. i really want to leave, to get away from this world. there is a way. if i fall asleep i will be away from this. the thing is i wont be able to appreate it with out thinking about the bad things. and there is always the chance for a nightmare. much like life. at times it seems so wonderful, but there is always a way for it to all come crashing down.

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:: 2002 27 November :: 8.53 pm

yesterday i had a crapy day. i call myself stupid because of the mistakes i make. someone said i was stupid because i didn't understand something in biology. it really got to me. after the teacher left after explaining it to me i cried. no one noticed. it seemed like no one cared. later i went bowling. it was fun, until the bus ride back. things that usually didn't get to me did. and when i explained it to someone at first they knew what i meant, but when i moved back to my other seat it was like i never said a thing. today has been blah. i got my hair highlighted and cut. i really like how it turned out. i was hopeing something today but it didn't happen. maybe friday, i dont know. tomorrow i am most likely going to end up trying. i dont think i fit in very well with that certain side of the family. it feels like i dont belong there. most of the time i get out of there by walking the dog. sometimes when i went upstairs, when i was alone, no one wondered about me. no one asked where i was. no one saw me go up stairs, when everyone is inside. or they dont check on me. i hope to find someplace where i do belong. if such a place exsists.

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:: 2002 25 November :: 7.57 pm

another song came on, and hit me too.
Landslide
(Stevie Nicks)

I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain then I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Uh ah ... uh ah .... uh ah ...

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Well ...

(Instrumental)

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too

Well, I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down
Yeah, and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well maybe ...
Well maybe ...
Well maybe ...

The landslide will bring you down.

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:: 2002 25 November :: 7.50 pm

i found some cool lyrics i liked/

This Side
(nickel creek)

One day you'll see him and you'll know what I mean.
Take him or name him, he will still be the same.
He'll not try to buy you with his time.
Nothing's the same as you will see when he's gone.

It's foreign on this side.
And I'll not leave my home again.
There's no place to hide,
And I'm nothin' but scared.

You dream of colours that have never been made.
You imagine songs that have never been played.
They will try to buy you and your mind.
For only the curious have something to find.

It's foreign on this side.
And the truth is a better friend.
Reasons, few have I,
Go back again.

Your first dog blinded you, left you cursing the day.
Entrance is crucial and it's not without pain.
There's no path to follow unless you're here.
Climb up the slide and then you'll slide down the stairs.

It's foreign on this side.
But it feels like I'm home again.
There's no place to hide,
But I don't think I'm scared.

(There's no place to hide.)
(There's no place to hide.)
But I don't think I'm scared.
(There's no place to hide.)
But I don't think I'm scared.

i was watching t.v. and this song came on, i only heard the ending. "theres no place to hide, but i dont think i am scared"
in my opion they are powerful words.

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:: 2002 25 November :: 3.57 pm

this is a prison. this thing we call life. its also a rollorcoaster, right when you are up, you go back down again. is there ever going to be a part that stays the same. happy? i dont think so anymore. right when i am happy i just get crushed again. i can't just be happy.

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:: 2002 24 November :: 2.38 pm

i had to get ready to go to church and i picked up my sister and kinda swung her around. my knee cap popped out of place. it made a sound like i broke my knee. i sat on the ground and my sister kept asking me if i was ok, i said i was. i walked back to my bed, my sister followed, my eyes went black, when i could see again at first i didn't really know where i was. my sister told me to go tell my mom. when i went down stairs my face felt like needles were poking out from the inside. it felt really warm. and it felt like my stomach was in the back of my mouth. it was really werid. i still went to church though. i came home right after though, because my face still felt really werid. i iced my knee, but it still feels the same. and so does my face. my guess is that i will end up wearing my knee brace to school tomorrow. i dont really want to because i have a really cute outfit i wanted to wear. right now it feels later than what it really is. it feels like its almost 7 but its not even 3 yet. i have watched some pretty werid shows. i haven't really talked to anyone today. i wonder if anyone will stop by. not nessarly for me but anyone. my cat is really tired. he's sleeping in his bed, he looks really cute. i would take a picture but when i get the camera out he would be awake and not how i wanted him to be. so ya today is really boring. i have a head ache. i took some medience, i dont know if its helping, if it is i know that i wouldnt' want to be without it if this is how crapy i feel with it. i dont know if that made any sense. but to me nothing really makes sense any more.

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:: 2002 24 November :: 2.34 pm

written last night
wow i am not really sure what it is, but i can't sleep. i know that its past midnight. te reason i said wow was because i went down stairs to update my journal because i couldn't sleep and right when i sad down my dad told me to go to bed. i thought he was asleep. my dad is a hard sleeper so i didn't think i would wake him up.my body is tired but my mind is awake. when i tried to go back to bed my head was throbbing. my stomach really hurt. and i knew i had to get up the next day.

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:: 2002 23 November :: 11.42 pm

i dont really feel very good. emotionally and phyically. none of my friends came to the play. i thought that they knew it meant alot to me for them to be there. i didn't really have a big part but it would have been nice if people came up to talk to me after. my family came. they would have gone whether or not i was in the play though. i dont usually believe what people say anymore. because people break promises. or i get my hopes up to get shot down. or i think one thing but then they do something that burns me inside.

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