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:: 2009 17 December :: 11.30pm

Dear santa clause, Go fuck yourself.
I'm depressed because;

My wallet is empty
My paycheck is spent (can't even cash it until tomorrow)
I can't buy anybody christmas presents this year.

I know how "Tennessee" Earnie Ford felt when he is singing "sixteen tons"

4 comment? | ......

:: 2009 16 December :: 10.31am

woke up scared to death at 5am or so.

had this weird dream, i was hanging out in this housing development with kelli and jordan, and then i remember jordan's mom called, so i got into an old ford bronco and went to pick her up or something and then this henry guy called and he called all night, telling me things about myself freaking me out, then he said he'd be there in 20 minutes. i really didn't want to stick around to see who this guy was because i thought he was going to kill me, then while i was driving my truck got sucked backwards and kind of spun twards a tree and my door flew open and i flew out and face first right twards a tree. i remember the tree vividly.
the next thing i remember is seeing a bunch of white letters on a black background in a weird font. i was speaking gibberish and then i woke up.

about an hour later jordan woke me up saying i was talking gibberish while sleeping.

i hate dieing in dreams, it freaks me out.

:: 2009 13 December :: 1.47pm

cameras ezwatch - TCP 5150
99.148.141.102
TCP 5160
99.148.141.102
TCP 80
99.148.141.102
TCP 8000
99.148.141.102

6 comment? | ......

:: 2009 10 December :: 7.51pm

I haven't updated in awhile..
Don't really have a good reason as to why.
I don't really have anything exciting going on in my life right now, but things are going great.
I am happy and all that.
Trying to get through this semester of school..
Working on trying to get a new job..
I am so sick of all the talk of them firing me.. They won't do it, and it pisses me off.
I wish they'd just get it over with..

:: 2009 10 December :: 4.09pm

anyone remember anything else i've owned?

1994 pontiac grand am
1989 ford probe
1992 ford probe
1978 pontiac grand prix
1980 oldsmobile cutlass
1992 toyota p/u 4x4
1993 dodge dakota 4x2
1984 pontiac 6000
1991 jeep cherokee 4x4
1984 ford mustang coupe
1992 ford tempo GLS
1989 merkur xr4ti

:: 2009 9 December :: 12.16pm

some days i feel alone even when i'm not.

been neglecting woohu lately, didn't mean to.

christmas is coming; yay?
college needs to be paid for today, need to go setup a checking account.

the jeep is rusting.

hate using woohu to just complain about my life; there is much to complain about

there is so much good to; lots of good

scool starts in january

jeep still runs

i have work; although its not the best

-----------------------------------------------
miss my friends
don't see lizzy or rache enough
wish i had more weekends off to hang out with them.
havn't hung out with anyone but box and justin in awhile :(
0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

still hungry; for food, for adventure, to live on my own.

:: 2009 2 December :: 1.04pm

i think we should get some people together again at AJ and chelsea's house this weekend.

what do you think chelsea?

:: 2009 15 November :: 4.52pm

I have come to the conclusion that the human race is pathetic.
We're everything we say we're not, and we pretend to be the things we say we are.
I guess not everyone, but generalizations are always much easier than the specifics.
We're childish.

No one is every really as strong as they admit to being.
Everyone has a breaking point.
It is all part of pretending.
The truth hurts, life is hard, and people are pathetic.

....

So lately, my life has consisted of working during the day, and being alone at night.
I've been hanging out with Chelsea quite a bit lately, and it's a blast.
On my weekends I spend them with Mike, because thats really only the time I get to see him and it definitely sucks.

I am definitely excited that my sister is coming up Saturday and will be here til Thanksgiving.

1 comment? | ......

outsyder18

:: 2009 9 October :: 3.22pm

Make me a offer.

It Stands 6'0"

5 comment? | ......

:: 2009 2 October :: 9.42am

Most days it feels like its the same ole' crappy song on repeat.
Doesn't matter how hard I try to repatch, cope, or ignore the issues, they don't go away, for good.
She doesn't see the hurt she causes.
I am starting to think she is incapable of feeling anything.
Which would be making excuses for her, and that is the last thing I want to do.
But with her, I never get to do what I want.
Lets face it, she makes me feel quilty, and I cave.
I can tell her how it is, be a royal bitch to her, and she still makes me feel guilty.
Why?
Why does she always turn it back on me?
Will she ever stop?

I'd cut ties with her, but would that really do any good, for anyone?
I don't care about hurting her, or myself.
It's the rest of my family I am worried about.
I can't stop asking myself what we did to deserve this.
Growing up the way we did.
Not everything was bad, but not everything was good thats for sure.

Each one of us had to witness different things, and as time went on, they got worse.
She drank more.
And more.
The fighting was worse between her and Jim, than it ever was with my dad.
At least, thats the way it seems to me.
Even though I was 11 when my parents split, a lot of the memories of them being together is a blur.
Not because they are bad, or I am trying to repress them, it's because I do not remember.
I vaguely remember when my parents were happy.
When I was at the age where I would be able to remember, it was probably just a show anyway.

There are bad moments that I do remember, but I feel like they are a dream.
I wish they were a dream.

I wish the drinking would stop, the drugs, the promiscuity.
All of it. I wish she would realize what she has before she loses it, again.

I know that I shouldn't care as much as I do, because I moved out.
I left and moved on with my life.
I want her to be a normal mom.
I want her to actually care.
Not ignore her kids because she just doesn't want to talk to anyone.
It's pathetic.

When the fuck will she realize...

:: 2009 13 September :: 10.42am

I got to see my nephew the last few days and probably will see him again today..
I am very happy about that, but i dont like the circumstances behind it.
He is getting so big and learning so much, and I miss a lot of it.
And he looks so much like my sister, but he changes more and more each time I see him.

It has been a long stressful, packed week.
I'm not even sure what kind of crap there is going to have to be done tomorrow when I go back to work.
I know there was a lot to be done when I left on wednesday.

Going through pictures, seeing my whole family in pain, the visitations and the funeral were hard.
And even though all of those events took place, and I mourned, I don't know if I mourned completely.
I still don't feel like it really happened, like I am completely numb on the inside.
I know that she is gone and won't be coming back.
But it feels like she is on vacation and I just have to wait a couple weeks before I see her again.

And apparently my mom likes to share her germs, because Friday I started feeling really sick, and started to lose my voice.
So yesterday, I spent all day in bed, except for 2 hours.. I went to bed at midnight saturday morning, slept til 2:30, was awake for maybe an hour, then slept til 9, was awake until 12:00, and then slept until 10 this morning.
But I definitely needed it, and I am feeling better today.

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:: 2009 9 September :: 9.12pm

So this week has been pretty shitty..
My grandma passed away unexpectedly yesterday morning.
They believe she had an ulcer that ruptured, and caused internal bleeding. She was coughing up blood, and they were able to revive her twice and get her stabilized, but her heart stopped. They tried to revive her again, but they weren't able to get her heart beating again.
Tomorrow is the visitations, and then friday is the funeral..

All 4 of my grandparents deaths have been either the day before or the day after a holiday.

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