Unsure
I don't even know anymore, for the first time in a long time I feel alone. Like Im not even wanted. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be selfish but I can't let go. Thing will never be the same I don't think. Trust is everything and we have zero. The lies are wild, like a wild beast killing small prey. Rip my heart out. Watch it bleed, watch the tears fall, but there are no tears, because Im all dried up. My heart bleeds forever and can only be cured by your love, which I don't think I will ever have again, sure we have love, but not the everlasting love which I had always hoped we would have. Maybe one day you will look in the mirror and just realize how much I truely do care for you, even if I never showed it, and even when I did. the only things always counted in my book, but you forget about those. You will move on, I will remain the same, as I will for the rest of my live. You will find happiness and get everything you ever wanted out of life. My dreams will shatter agaisnt the waves of our love. I will one day be content with that, but I will never be able to forgive myself for all the pain I have caused you over the years. Just remember that I will always love you, and will be your best friend until the end... but also know, that I will always want more then just that.

Love Love Love
Rule #8 - Don't ever show your current lover your journal, or at least give her access to read it, as it will only cause chaos :) - that being said, I do not have anything to hide, and Liz does read my journal, after all it is public. This journal is what now? 7 or 8 years old? hah, that is a long time, and all I wanted was a place to type out my thoughts and actions. Ive said a lot of things in my time, and will say a lot more as the days go on and as I grow older. But how does one person, naming me, convince to someone how much they truely love them and are devoted to them? Its impossible, the only way it can be done is that other person accepts the fact. People are animals, we are here to basically reproduce and let the human population grow and survive. Love only complacates things! Why can't we all just find a mate, do the dirty, sprout a child, and rejoice! giggle giggle. No, God had other plans. Falling in love is a huge feat for anyone, and when you do find your soulmate per say, you spend your life trying to make things work no matter what. You do anything possible to keep that love alive. Its also hard to try to explain the "levels" of love for another human. I can't even put it into words really. But you can love someone only on a friend level, or you can love someone in a romantic passionate way, or you can love someone as a fiery infatuation sex fest 1 on 1 fuckie suckie type of love. However, and whoever you choose to love isn't controled by a person. Its what they feel inside. Some hot hot hot lady could fall in total passionate love with an ugly ugly ugly man. And us as humans say, what the fuck is going on there, dude must have a dong like an elephant! but really, they just have that special sorta love, that nothing can every stop. Thats the true feelings that everyone strives for, sometimes people think they found it, end up getting married, then end up getting a divorce because they are wrong. Thats another whole topic alone! How are you 100% sure you have found the right person? Honestly, no one can. If it was possible, then there would be no such thing as divorce or split ups or blah blah blah because everyone would be happy all the time. But sometimes, on that rare day, people do actually find the one for them. I can't describ the feelings you feel when you find that person, but its like you would do anything for them, no matter what, put your own life on the line for theres. I myself, don't believe in divorce, so when I found that special someone, which I have, I refuse to let go. No Matter What - I refuse. "I would give her my lung" if I had to do so. Theres only maybe a handful of people I would sacifice my own life for, and she is one of them. "Take a bullet for me!" - Fuck You Jew, Im running the other way! - hence why Im not a secret agent for the CIA, cause I surely aren't taking a bullet for the president, no way no how. Let him cover his own ass. But the point of the story today is kids. That when and if you ever do find that special someone, hold on to them, never let go, never surrender. And there is one minor sidenote - sometimes, even if you think you found that person, that person might not have the same feelings for you, afterall, it takes two to tango baby. Everyone does have their own opinions on this matter, but this is what Ive learned and this is what I believe, so take my two cents and think about it. Dance Party

I messed up!
Ok kids, today we will discuss on how I have messed up. Seems to happen a lot to me. I know I posted in the last entry how I have been changing and growing up. Im only 24, 25 in less then 6months. Thats almost 1/3 of my lifetime. I still have 2/3's to go and I plan on doing a lot of things in that time, including to get married and start a family. but for that to happen I need to get my life in order because the girl of my dreams is slowly fading out of the picture and that simply just cannot happen. I have messed up once again. I lied to the one I love. I shouldn't have done it. I didn't cheat on her or anything but I did betray her in a way that shouldn't have even happened in the 1st place. When will I learn to just tell the people I care about whats going on in my life and not to keep stuff bottled up? Sometimes I just can't do things on my own and I need to ask for help but I don't. Maybe I feel like less of a man when I ask for help? I don't know what it is but the one person that I should never keep anything from, is the one person that I can hardly tell anything too. I guess I get it from my father. He never told my mother dicksquat. And he ended up having a massive heart attack. I need to be more open, esp about my feelings. I am starting to open up at least but it needs to get so much more better then what it is. I remember a time, when I was like.. 7... that I would never shut up. But I guess thats what kids do. I tend to ayalize everything now before I open my mouth, which is a good thing sometimes, but not all the time. I guess when I have a problem, I like to think about it and ways to solve it, different scenarioes on how to handle it, and then I choose one.. and thus far I have done the wrong chocies and ended up hurting people that I would never want to hurt. Sometimes I wish there was just a button to push that when a problem arises, you could just push the "easy" button and it will go away.. wrong.. doesn't happen that way at all kids. Life is full of choices, and sometimes you make mistakes. You can't take them back, but you can fix them. Thats what Im trying to do. Fix whats wrong in my life 1st, and then work on my relationship, or lack there of. Liz is everything to me, she always will be. I want her to be my wife one day and bare my babies. She has some work to do on being a person as well, but shes young yet, shes 21, she has lots of stuff to explor. But how am I going to let her explor life when I have already taken so much of hers already? She knows what I want in life, and although Im only 4 years older then her, Ive experienced so much more then her. Im almost ready to settle down and buy houses, get married, start a family in like the next 3 or 4 years. But she is no where knew that level of life yet. I mean I know she wants all that stuff, but she still needs to experience some stuff, some stuff I can't give her. I would like to be there and help her on her path, but some things she will have to do herself. The only problem is that I don't want to let her go. Call me selfish. We can't change the past, but if I could, I would choose to meet her a few years down the road when we are actually both ready to move on to higher steps of our lifes. But we can't go back, ever. Whats done is done, and we both have hard choices ahead of us. But after all, as I said, thats all life is, is chocies. Thanks God for freewill. I hope one day she realizes how much I truely am in love with her and will always always be there for her no matter what. But you can't really prove love. its an expression and can't be explained in written word. So I hope one day I can actually express the love I feel for her in person and just make her smile like I use to when I 1st met her. I hope this year will bring me happiness and that my mom will finally stop stressing me so much. I grew up way to fast, and it wasn't by choice, but God wanted it that way and thus it is so. When I die, I have so many questions for God that its going to be insane, Im gonna be sitting in front of him for like a week straight just asking certain things. I just hope hes gratful enough to answer my petty questions. Overall, I just hope that one day Liz will trust me enough again to actually have a relationship. Trust is key and we have none. Thats a huge issue and needs to be fixed. Enough Ramble Ramble, I need to relax.

Long Time Ago
Wow kid's, its been like 3 years since I have posted a journal entry in this magical realm. I am sorry for that. But the past two years ive been involved in a pretty serious relationship that has taken most of my time. 1st and foremost, I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. Have you ever wondered why they say "Happy New Year" when for most people the new year brings total shit? Everyone always says, wow I hope this new year was better then the last. But most of the time it never really is. so why even say "Happy" New Year. We should start saying.. Yay.. another year we all get to live! Thanx God! I also want to say Merry Christmas to all, and that I hope everyone had a safe holiday. I worked of course, but it was slow, so it wasn't bad. Would have really enjoyed spending time with the family like the old days, but it seems that time has passed. It also seems like old habbits never die. Yes, once again, I cried as the ball dropped and this time Liz was there. Her family doesn't really "celebrate" that much when the ball drops, but its some what a big deal for me, esp since it brings what little memories I have of the past up. So a little Crown Royal, a little tears, and a little time with Liz, even though we, what it seems, are on the down slopes. Not to sure whats going on there really, it feels as if shes fallen out of love with me. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later though right? No one seems to stay with me very long, and thus far shes the longest. Im trying to better myself as a man and as a human, and its a slow process but Im learning by the day. Ive changed so much over the years its hard to explain. but I do think Im finally turning into the man that I want to be for the rest of my life. I still have a minor dislike for people, but its only stupid people. I think if my father was still alive he would be most pleased to see what I have become and how I am matured. Oh, and my mother is still crazy for anyone still interested in that matter. She turned the big 6-0 and will finally get her retirement. I just hope she also grows up and does the right thing. I really don't want to go down that road, but if Im forced to, then I am prepared to do it. Well, enough rambling for now. Maybe I will start writting again, esp while Im at work and not busy. It actually feels good to just ramble and write again, released a lot of stress and the such.

Again?
Tonight we are going to talk about one thing, and one thing only. The sheer fact that Kunta is once again fallen head over heels for a girl. Yes a girl, not a guy, you homos. Even though I can't express 100% my true feelings into words, I am going to try my hardest to maybe find the right words to just show you what I mean.

Some people say, and I would agree, that I intend to fall to quickly for someone. I can't help it, I'm at a point in my life where I am ready to settle down, start a family, grow old together with someone, have that need, that yearning, to be wanted. I have searched for this "someone special" for quite some time now. I once thought I had found her, but we all know that turned sour, and even though I was heartbroken, I continued my adventure, I kept going, because after all, no one wants to die alone.

I can saftey say that I think I may have found her. She is so perfect that it really scares me deep inside. She is everything I want in a girl, but yet at the same time, she is so much more. As I stated, its hard to express feelings into words, not only that, but also to try and convince her that my feelings are true.

My problem is, that I look to much into the future. As I said, I want someone to grow old with. I can see myself down the road being with her, and starting a family. I think she would make an awesome mother, and not only that, but also an awesome wife. We just cope together so well, on so many levels, that it actually makes me smile inside. And we all know Kunta doesn't fucking smile very often kids.

So your all saying to yourself, whats the problem? The problem is, that she is 1000000 of miles away, and I won't get to see her for like 6 months. 6 Months is a very long time, and she is very skeptical that some hussie might come along and steal me. How do I convince her that my feelings are true? Shall I kiss a letter and send it to her?

She knows that my feelings are strong, and I think she has pretty strong feelings for me. I just want her to know that she means the world to me, and that I would do anything for her, and even though that sounds completey crazy, its the truth. She is the first thing I think about when I wake up during the day, and the last thing I think about before I fall alseep in the morning. I wish every single day, that she would be here with me right now, just so I could hold her, and tell her how much she means to me. I wish I could stare into her eyes, and just kiss her gently on the forehead. I wish she could be here, I wouldn't even minded if she didn't say one word the whole time, but just her being here alone would make me a stronger person inside.

Thats how much I care about her, and even if she still doubts me, I wouldn't care, because I know my feelings, I know what I feel inside of me is true. And even if we are destined to be together forever, I would wait for her, however long it took, just for one chance, one gamble, just to see her smiling face.

I love everything about her. She is like the female version of me. Her voice does wonders, her jokes make me laugh, even though half the time she is making fun of me. She is truely a great person, and I just pray, that I can be half the man, that she wants me to be.....

Destiny
Haven't updated in awhile and Im sorry. Been busy with loads of stuff that were not even gonna get into. Tonight, we are talking to talk about destiny and fate. What do you think? My opinion on the matter is sorta on both ends. I think that everyone has their own destiny. But, I'm catholic, so I know there is a God, and since he KNOWS everything before we even do it, how can one have their own destiny if its already predetermined? understand? I know, its difficult. He gave us free will. but as I stated, he knows what we are going to do before we do it, so how is it destined for us then? Example. There is a blue drink and a red drink sitting on a table. Since I have free will, I can choose either one. God already knows which one I'm going to pick. but what if at the last second I change my mind? God already knows that I was going to change my mind. Case in point is that this is a life lesson, but petty things such as what drink I am going to choose.

What if the stakes were higher? Such as maybe moving away to another state? or staying here and doing what I already know is "safe". but life is full of risks and chances, how does one choose there own destiny if its already written in heaven? Is there a way to fool God? the answer, no. So I sorta think we can choose our own destiny, but not really on basis of being a catholic. Same with Fate. I can choose to stand on a hi-way and get ran down by a mac 10 truck. God knows what I'm going to do. What if I'm standing on that hi-way and a plane falls on me instead? God already knows how I'm going to die right? So if I take more risks in life could I possibly change when and where I die? I could live old and die of natural causes right? but what if I blow my brains out with a .45? God knows I'm going to do it, but did he INTEND for me to do it? "Everything happens for a reason", one of those life old quotes we are taught. Does it really happen for a reason? Honestly? Maybe you did something, and thats why it happened? Free will is a bitch eh?

Sorry for rambleing, but certain things have come up in my life that are just 100% completey crazy. I won't go into much detail, but lets just say that I've lost my mind and its totally in a good way. I just wish I could speed up time....fast forward ahead, and just see if the "Juice was worth the squeeze."

What?
Past week has been nothing but work nonsense, for real. This past weekend was busy as hell, stacey and I literally ran our ass's off. I had 32 trips in my inbox when I left monday morning, all from 3 days. Killed some old guy in south greensburg, brings the grand total to 41 deaths, bleh. Had some guy sit in his car and turn it on, fell alseep, tryed to kill himself, no go there, picked him up by his head and tossed him out. He was solid red, hello co2 poisioning, flew him to Pittsburgh, score. Im married to my job and I love it, no wonder my last relationship failed. I work hardcore and have zero fun... ZERO FUN SIR. Really thats not true, stac and I have the loads of fun, we love stupid people.

Rach came and visited me on Thursday and we went to dinner, fun times. then she surprized me and came over sunday too and spent the day with me, I got zero sleep and was cranky but she still dealt with my ass, haha. maybe shes a keeper, hmmmmmmm, Don't know if Im ready for that shit again though, got some thinking to do bout that.

Oct. 27th is comming closer and closer, ordered my ticket online and got ripped off.
Fuck You Ticketmaster.com
Chargedme $6 service charge, $10 for the ticket, bob was pissed so he wrote a nasty letter to everyone. but 16 bucks for a night of fun is worth it. Hallowween bash is gonna rock my face hah. Pretty sure Im going as a women, Kaely is gonna do my makeup for me and go shopping with me this weekend, gonna buy a hot skirt, sexy shirt, sexy bra and some high heels. Thigh High stockings will seal the deal. Im going to look hot as fuck so prepare yourselfs for some awesome pictures of that night kids!

Also in the news we finally got a set home for the Freak Show / BobCam Forums which can be located here:

www.bobcamtv.com/nuke

go register and leave Mikey and Big Bob Something to laugh about :)

Randoness
Haven't updated in awhile I know. Not much to really discuss is the problem. Work, Work, and more Work, Lots of Drunken Assholes etc. Had a French guy the other night, that was kinda fun. We finally went to 12 hour shifts, so I have a set schedule, only took 4 years, pffft. Ill have every other weekend off, thank christ, I won't know what to do with myself! Pirate game is on thursday, yay! Fun times to be had there, last game was outstanding and this is the last Freak Show Section game of the season so its going to be a total blast. Then on Sat. is Big Bar Adventure 5, also the last one. Its in fricken Shadyside but Im off so its all good. Time to get my drink on, and big bob already said he got tipsy last time so its Mikeys turn. So its deff on, Ill have Mikey 2 fistin some beer and running around naked by 730pm! hahaha. Nothing really else going on kids, pretty boring, still doing the whole dating thing etc, meet new girls all the time etc. Sorta diggin on this one chick but I know damn well Im not ready for a relationship yet, Im pretty content with being single right now in my life and just livin it up and having a good time with friends.

I guess one little minor rant for the day, Chris Crocker and how awesome his gayness is. If you don't know who he is, hes the man/girl/shim that has the "Leave Britney Alone" movies on you tube. Go search for it, there great and a good laugh. I wanna meet this kid and shake his/her hand then punch him in the taint for being a total douche.

Thats all kids

The Perfect Women
today is not really a rant as per say, but an expression of the perfect female companion for myself. over the past few weeks everyone and their mother has been trying to "hook me up" with their friends. "Kunta I got the perfect girl for you!", and I'm like, no thank you. I have made it pretty clear that I'm not looking for a relationship right now but yet people are still bugging. So today kids, Im going to take the time to describe the perfect girl for myself, which in the end is pretty damn impossible as this girl im sure, does not exisit.

I want a girl that isn't fake, that can carry her own and have some self esteem for herself. I want a girl that will wear makeup, lipstick, and bright orange eye liner, but yet still look fantastic without any makeup at all. I want a girl that will wear dressy cloths, skirts and designer jeans, but yet still pull off wearing jogging pants and still feel great about herself because she knows I wouldn't judge her. I want a girl that will parade around in tigh high stockings and high heels just because she knows its sexy. I want a girl that will argue and debate with me and in the end not get mad or upset when she looses, but also not rub it in my face when she knows I'm wrong. I want her to be understanding, respectful, and be willing to push me harder each day, but also allow me to make my own descisions in life. I want a girl that takes intrest into sports, even if she doesn't like them, but knows that I do and is willing to play them with me knowing herself that she is horrible at them. I want an intelligent girl, but isn't afraid to admit when shes wrong and also be silly sometimes just to make me smile. I want a girl that will be there for me, through thick and thin, the bad times and the good times, that is willing to let me cry on her shoulder when I feel ashamed. I want a girl that will not only be faithful, but also trustworthy. I want a girl that not only accepts who I am as a person but also is willing to accept my friends, no matter how goofy they are. I want a girl that is family oriented but also isn't scared to be on her own. I want a girl that isn't afraid to express herself emotionally, verbally, and pysically. I want a girl that would like too have a big family. I want a girl who isn't afraid to be herself around me no matter how silly she is. I want a girl that will play video games with me till wee hours of the morning, even if she doesn't know whats shes doing but it makes me happy. I want a girl that is a dog lover, big ones to the little ones. I want a girl that doesn't let petty things in life get her bent out of shape. I want a girl that knows how to cook a great feast. I want a girl that will lay in bed with me and just talk, or just cuddle. I want a girl that will realize that no matter what, I would be there for her.

so there you have it people, stop trying to find me a women, unless you find one that matches that list, which is damn near impossible.

Some People
Its been a few days since I last updated and Im sorry for that, I been a little busy working my ass off. 7 shifts last week, 8 shifts this week, pfft wheres my full time promotion at, as if that would ever happen. A lot of things have been going on since the last update. so this one might be on the long side, first and foremost lets get this rant outta the way.

someone in my company thinks its funny to spread rumors around about me. are you searious dude? come on, do you not know who I am? I could care the fuck less what anyone says about me, but I don't need the high school drama. this is the grown up world my friend, if you got beef then at least have the balls to come tell me to my face so I can drop you like a 3 year old who just fell off his bike. I guess "this person" claims that I have no friends? thats quite amusing considering that everyone in my company has my back opposed to your newbie ass thats been here what? maybe 4 months? come on dude, grow up you douche

so what else has been going on in kunta's life these days. hmm, how about the girl that I'm sorta seeing is kinda getting attached way to fast I think. I don't know if I'm leading her on or maybe its just the Kunta charm. We talk on the phone like everyday, 3 times a day, for hours upon hours. I hope she does realize that I don't want a relationship for a very long time and that we are just friends, even though she does want my body pretty badly. I'm pretty sure that I have made it clear enough about the relationship thing but maybe I will have to go over it again with her, hah.

In other news, Mikey and Big Bob have finally got off their asses and made the uber Freak Show Fantasy League. To say the least my team is horrible due to the fact that I was on a call during the draft. I think my number one player is Larry Fitzgerald and with my luck he will blow out his knee during the first game. Also Greensburg won the Big Bar Adventure 4 and will be held at the Great Escape. Bob fricken called me everyday this week to make sure I would attend. I will be there of course with my awesome black shirt with pink lettering that says Bobcam VIP, but I will be sipping on some water since I will have to be at work at midnight, oh joy. Maybe I'll call off or switch so I can drink, afterall, I do have the overtime to make up for it.

Well thats all I guess for this session of rants and updates kiddies, tune in next time, never know what will be ranted next!

Fresh Start
So my schedule is all messed up it seems, I haven't slept well at all the past um week and some odd days. Hell I went to sleep last night at like 2am and got up at 930am this morning.. as we all know that never happens.

So how about monday I went on a um "date" as per say. I haven't went on a date in like 2 years haha. It was funny, but I think I did a fair job. The girl is awesome all around, really down to the earth, and she even laughed at my stupid jokes! I think we had a pretty good time overall.

Tuesday I met some girls from high school that I haven't seen in over 4 years. We all talked for a very long time about past times and what everyone was doing with their lives now etc. amazingly, no one has really changed at all, trying to find jobs, still look the same, granted 4 years isn't a really long time but still people do change ya know. anyway, was a great time with them, hope its not another 4 years before I see them again.

Not much else really going on, going to head to the Y here shortly and do my daily work out I guess. Jeff and I finally decided that we are going to the Police Academy. Were both pretty sick of our current company and its time for a change I guess. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, I really do, but my company could treat us a little better. So Jan. thru Nov. - 11 months, shouldn't be bad, we just gotta get back into shape hah.

Story of my Life
So, today is sunday and I was bored out of my mind. Chuck called and woke me up at 10am, I had just actually fallen asleep. He needed something for fantasy football. Needless to say I couldn't fall back asleep so I been doing some random shit all day.

I was so bored that I actually went back in this journal and read some past entries from like 2003. Some of it was just funny, but some of it actually sparked some old memories that needed to stay hidden. I forgot how much I used to enjoy venting in this thing for the world to see. Its about that time I think again as finally I have become realistic to my current situation.

You Would think that after 7 or 8 years now that I might have the slightest idea of women and how they work. Well I guess I was wrong. Kunta feel in love and yet again had his fucking heart shattered into a million pieces. I actually let someone back into my life and I can safety say that it was indeed the best year and ten months ive ever had. I was a happy person, people saw me change, I went from being a total asshole, to a decent guy. Well now its all over in one fail swoop. I don't know exactlly what happened, but I do know somethings. I was crushed at first, litteraly, it was bad, but now I'm confused and angry. I just don't understand how someone can proclaim there love to you then have another boyfriend within a week after leaving me. I don't doubt her love, I knew she loved me very much, but what am I suppose to think in lue of things. Maybe this is her way of coping with it? I don't know, but thats pretty fucked up in my book. I tryed to give that girl everything she ever wanted, was always there for her, and what did I get? Stabbed in the heart and kicked to the ground. So Yes, Im sad, but Im pretty angry also. More confused then anything I guess because she claimed she still wanted to be friends but yet won't talk to me or respond to me.

It will be a long time before anyone gets inside again, a very very long time indeed.

Going to resubscribe to the YMCA again, winter is comming and basketball is the only thing left in my life and has never left me since I been 2 years old. Figure Ill go to the Y after work every morning and maybe get back in shape again.

Thats all For Now Kiddies, I gotta lay down for a bit before work.

WoW
It seems I have neglected my stupid journal for like 7 months! Ive been so busy in real life its insane, Although some would say that I haven't acomplished anything, I feel that I have done a great deal. A lot of things have been going on in my life that I just don't want to get into right now. Im actually on vacation this week from work, which is a well deserved one at that. That job is going to fucking kill me one day. The stress level is just too much sometimes, its bad enough that I have stress from work, but then to go home and have 10x the stress added on. Hah, I've prolly lost all my normal readers by now as it has been fricken 7 months, but oh well, at least I can always vent my feelings on here like I have always done in the past.

I got into this new thing on monday. 96.1 Kiss FM's Big Bob has a 24/7 live came following him around, so I been hooked into watching someone else live there life while I sit and do nothing, its great isn't it? ahh the sarcasim, I bet we all miss that from Kunta huh? haha

thats enough for now, I promise to update more since I have the time now I guess.

Christmas
Its christmas time again and we all know how Kunta just hates the holidays. People are retarded and I hate them all. Lets all give each other gifts that we don't really need and pretend to like each other for one day! yay!

piss off
o
and Merry Christmas

The Huff's!
yesterday my good friend Adam Huff took the plunge into Marriage with his now wife Kimmy! Ive never seen Adam so happy before. Im happy for the both of them. The reception was off the chain. After about 14 fuzzy navels and 1 miller lite (lol beer) .. i was trashed. I got my dance on with everyone and we all had a blast, well almost everyone. Little issue with Melissa and Myself .. i guess. the thing is, when I drink, you could say I get a little goofy.. but its just me being me, and I think that her problem is that she cares way to much what other people think about her. I don't remember much, but what I do remember was her telling me to calm down a bunch because people there knew her family or something, whoop e .. its a frickin wedding and I was having fun being me, but she was pissed cuz maybe I was making an ass outta myself? but do I care ? no I was drunk with people I grew up with who know me and How I act. Ive known this girl for almost a year now and I love her more then anything but I don't understand why she gets in some of her moods when around people ? maybe its a girl thing, but she usually doesn't care what people think about her so Im confused? is there something she isn't telling me ? maybe someone was there that made her uncomfortable? I dunno, but i do know she isn't happy with me right now and I hate that shit.

who knows .. she knows I love her and I wanna give her the world.

Lonely Child
Her name was Auroura
She was only five
This is what happened
When she was alive

Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic

Her only friend
was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair

She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound

Until her parents
unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endore

A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?

But she grabs her bear
And softly crys
She loves her parents
But they want her to die

She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
" God, why? Why is
My life always sinking? "

Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did

Then one night
Her mom came home high
The poor child was hit and slapped
As hours went by

Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made

She thrusted the blade
Right in her chest,
" You deserve to die
You worthless pest! "

The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying

Police showed up
At the small little house
They quickly barged in
Everything was as quiet as a mouse

One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the sad little girl
Lying on the floor

It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms

God - Damn - It
If i would kill my mother, what would really happen? would it be that bad? 3 square meals a day? a place over my head to sleep, getting pounded in the ass is prolly the only downfall and maybe the bathroom rape every other day. But as long as I had a place to sleep I think i would be happy. Granted that i would never get to see mt girl anymore would suck ass also. Sometimes I wish she would just act her age, my mother that is, a 56 year old woman depending on her son for eveything is bullshit. she should be taking care of me still, i don't know what the fuck im doing, shit. So I got on vacation this week to relax even though I should have stayed home because I knew nothing would get down while I was gone, all she did was fucking sleep. So I came home early, yesterday to be exact and to my suprize, yea nothing was done. So now I have to find a new place to live and pack everything up in 2 days before we get kicked out. Awesome, go me, Kunta rocks. yea fuck you, less typing more packing,

out ~

How You Know Your In Love
I Know I havent updated in over 4 months, Im a bad person, please hate me. But with a soon enough wedding coming up, I have been asked a lot of questions.

How Do you know shes the right one?
How Do you know your even in love?
Do You Know what Love is?

Etc etc etc.. nonsense from all my friends and family.

Well after tonights event my friends, I can assure you all that I am 100% in love with Melissa S. Younkin.

How you might ask ? Well my friends its easy...Almost

How does one explain a feeling that cannot be explained? Like when you brush her hair out from her eye and she smiles at you. How do you express that emotion between the two of you thats there, but yet you cant see, feel, or taste it? I know its there, but I was taut not to believe anything that I couldnt see with my own two eyes. Its like when you just sit there and stare at her when she sleeps and when she makes that little noise as she exhales that wants to be a snore but its not quite manly enough to be a snore and you just giggle inside. Or how about when your drive 2 hours to see her late at night down at her school but you only make it half way there to be run off the road by a 18-wheeler and get your car totaled.. but for her to barely even know you yet to drive an hour to come pick your sorry ass up even though she doesnt know how to get there, but yet she comes anyway because she has that feeling in her gut that he might be the one for her. Or how about when she has a bad day at work and calls you crying her eyes out but yet you had a bad day and you dont want to hear her moan, but you still listen to her because you know that deep down inside that dark hole there is a heart that wants to come out and care. Even though youre the biggest asshole in the world, she still somehow loves you for who you are and accepts it. How about when you go out in public and you get real excited because shes way to hot for you because youre an ugly sum bitch and you just love to walk down the street and think to yourself.. Yea shes with me you bitch. But what really topped it off was tonight, her sitting in my car and crying her eyes out, telling me basically that Im a bad boyfriend, (you know, not out right saying it but giving the clues) and that we dont go anywhere or talk about anything. But her crying so hard and so passionate that you started to cry yourself,(and I mean serious, when is the last time you saw me cry you fuckers, yea thats right, never) but held it in only to shed a few tears here and there, but then to tell her to stop crying, that you never do it because youre a man, and men dont cry, but yet were there crying right by her side. Then as you tell her that you love her more then anything the crying soon stops and shes still right by your side, even though youre an asshole. So thats how you know when youre in love my friends. When you can cry together in a passionate way, even if she doesnt know you were crying, you still shared an emotional moment... remember.. Love is an emotion.. You cant see, feel, or taste it...

Father
One day. . . When you were 8 years old, your dad handed
you an
ice cream. You thanked him by dripping it
all over
your lap.

When you were 9 years old, he paid for
piano
lessons. You thanked him by never even
bothering
to practice.

When you were 10 years old he drove
you all
day,
from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday
party
after another. You thanked him by
jumping out of
the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, he took you
and
your friends to the movies. You thanked
him by
asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, he warned
you not
to watch certain TV shows. You thanked
him by
waiting until he left the house.

When you were 13, he suggested a
haircut that
was becoming. You thanked him by telling
him he
had no taste.

When you were 14, he paid for a month
away at
summer camp. You thanked him by
forgetting to
write a single letter.

When you were 15, he came home from
work,
looking for a hug. You thanked him by
having your
bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, he taught you how to
drive
his
car. You thanked him by taking it every
chance you
could.

When you were 17, he was expecting an
important call. You thanked him by being
on the
phone all night.

When you were 18, he cried at your high
school
graduation. You thanked him by staying
out
partying until dawn.

When you were 19, he paid for your
college
tuition, drove you to campus carried your
bags.
You thanked him by saying good-bye
outside the
dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in
front of
your friends.

When you were 25, he helped to pay for
your
wedding, and he cried and told you how
deeply
he loved you. You thanked him by
moving halfway
across the country.

When you were 50, he fell ill and
needed you to
take care of him. You thanked him by
reading about
the burden parents become to their
children.

And then, one day, he quietly died. And
everything you never did came crashing
down like thunder on your heart.

Take the Time to go or call your father and tell him that you do love him no matter how you show it, and be thankful you have him, some of us aren't lucky enough for that.

New Year
yet again another new year is upon us, yes your sayin but john its already jan. 12th. well fuck you I been super busy. Christmas was alright I guess, I worked of course as I do every holiday. Didn't really do anything speacial. on christmas eve I went to the friends family to celebrate, introduced them all to my girl who is actually related to them anyway. New Years eve was boring , yet again I worked but my friend came in early so I got to leave at 11 instead of midnight. Rushed over to the girls to watch the ball drop with her. Yay our 1st ball dropping event together .. My new years resolution was to quit chewing snuff, well that lasted a whole 9 days, although I do have to admit I have cut back alot. Instead of chewing 1 can a day, I chew like once or twice a day now. Nothing exciting else to report. Tryin to find a new place to live. Can't find a new house I like though so bleh .. I hate moving .. Im getting rid of alot of this shit .. I don't need all this junk. Nothing else except that I miss my baby dearly. She needs to find a college closer to home god damn it.

Kunta signing off

Xmas Time
well its xmas time and everyone is in a good modd except me of course. I hate the frickin holidays so much its insane. everything is going pretty well in life right now at least, i have the best girlfriend in the world, my job is alright, and im lookin for a new place to live. Im at my uncles right now doing the xmas eve thingie and he told me a nice little poem / story / advice that i would like to share.

"Hope for the moment. There arwe tinmes in life when it is hard to beilve in the future, when we are temporarily just not brave enough.

When this happens, cultivate "le petit bonheur(the little happiness) until courage returns.

We look forward to the beauty of the next moment, the next hour, the promise of a good meal, asleep, a book, a movie, the likelihood that tonight the start will shince and tommorow the sun will shine.

Sink roots into the present until the strength grows to think about tommorow"

my uncle is a smart man! if you understand what he was sayin then you get where im comming from.

ope everyone has a Merry Christmas

Zaney !
i never do this but this caught my eye, this is something my friend Caitlin Crews wrote. its good enough to be posted on my journal so hats off to her


- Concrete Funk -
Their bodies pounded funk
into the concrete.
The two lovers poured into the streets
with movement of rhythm and sound
developing in the hot breeze.

Steel beats when all the colors
of brown and yellow defeat.
Dreams carved into bricks
with their names.
Feeling the sabotage of the body,
mixed with the melody
of the two lovers hearts
beating in one direction.

Melancholy lips and swaying hips
discovering the
music together.
Hop of the hip of the soul
along the pavement,
bringing a wave
lifting her ears above the
rhyme of his heart.

Never breaking their mothers back.
Dancing on the cracks
in the groove
along the sidewalks.
Close together
never stepping apart,
their eyes never blinking away
the lines of the hidden concrete funk.



in other news, nothing really exciting .. work work work... my baby comes home in like 5 days for xmas break .. yay

T-Day Break
Well lets see here, my thanskginving was somewhat ok because I got to spend time with my baby, but on the other hand I almost fucking died on the turnpike. Some car hit the back of a state trooper car and the car was like 1 inch in front of my face. I just froze, my whole life flahsed in front of my eyes. but oh well, fuck that shit .. I miss my baby. I wish i was with her allllllllll the time. it was a good week, I got to spend alot of time with, but shes back at school for like 2 weeks then comes home for a month n some days for x-mas ! im so excited! I guess I gotta get my christmas shopping done sometime, I frickin hate spending money ! i gotta buy a new car tommorow so thats going to be interesting ... sigh its frickin midnight, im going to bed

Days Go By...
Im in the mood for an update and since ive been at work for 15 hours, 1 hour to go , ive decided to type a little. Last Thrusday I ventured out to see the mrs. and low and behold I get in a accident. Some 18wheeler mutha fucka ran me right into a god damn ditch. I got knocked unconscience, broke a finger and bruised a rib or 2. no big deal, one way or another I was going to see my hunny even If I have to crawl there on my hands on knees. So I call her and explained what happened and before I could finish she was like, "where are you, im comming to get you." Now keep in mind we only been together for 3 weeks at this point. This is one hell of a girlfriend folks !!! So i spent 4 days with her down at school and I couldn't have been happier , minus the whol fact that I have to buy a new car because the contour has finally been laid to rest.

Nothing really else new going on, work, work and more work is bout it. Melissa comes home friday the 18th for thanksgiving break. Im mucho excited about that of course, Even though I will be working on thanksgiving, fuck it, I still get to spend time with her ! then she goes back to school for a week to finish the semester then comes home for a month !! I swear to god Im not gonna leave her side ;) but don't tell her that heh.

On a lighter note I might be moving yet again because the $850 rent is insane along with my other bills I just can't afford $1500 in bills a month, so I might try to find a smaller place for now by myself and have my mother move in with her brother and my aunt. Besides theres more jobs out that way for her then here so its better. The only problem is Im not giving up my dog and its hard to find a place that takes animals so bleh! I need to just find a 1 bedroom shit hole that cots like $150-200 a month so I can save up and buy my house this summer or maybe even next winter I dunno, but sometime in the very near future.

Alright im sick of typing and I know your sick of reading me ramble so fuck off and always, till next time kid-o's !

Melissa for the Win
Im so in love with Melissa. There is nothing else to be said. My heart belongs to her and I want to be with her for a very very very very long time. She makes me so happy ! she is everything Ive ever wanted from a girl and so much more. I have the perfect relationship right now. If only she knew how much she ment to me. She is simply the best and no one can take her place ever. I hope I can be with her forever, and buy her that dog, or maybe a house, or maybe something special. I wish she was with me right now so I could hold her and never let her go. I want to be with her forever and ever. I now say that I have have experienced true love and love at 1st sight, because she had me from hello ....