hmmm

I hate allergies. I tried taking notes on my day, but I didn't come up with anything interesting. Just things like "I'm cold" and "I'm sleepy. Is that because it's cold?" Tomorrow (I guess it's actually today) I'm going to come up with something worth writing for the next entry, whenever that will be.

not going to force it

I'd like to tell you about something good that happened to me. But I can't think of what that thing might be. I've decided to take notes on my day tomorrow. Then I'll have something to talk about. It's funny how I can do so little work for school, yet I'm able to write so much from a personal standpoint. School should be good tomorrow, full of interesting stories. And if it's not, I still have those always good but too few minutes after third period but before fourth, after fourth but before fifth, and after seventh but before eighth (between the first and second floor).

I once stood on a street corner, at night, in the cold. I watched a traffic light change. What made it so fascinating was that there weren't any cars. Anywhere. The intersection was completely empty. But the light kept changing. Green. Yellow. Red. Green. For a long time I stood there and watched. There were no cars, and it was cold.

(Read, they're really good lyrics):

"Once upon a time I was of the mind
To lay your burden down
And leave you where you stood
And you believed I could
You'd seen it done before
I could read your thoughts
Tell you what you saw
And never say a word
Now all that is gone
Over with and done - never to return

I can tell you why
People die alone
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Staring at the loss
Looking for a cause
And never really sure
Nothing but a hole
To live without a soul
And nothing to be learned

I can tell you why
People go insane
I can show you how
You could do the same
I can tell you why
The end will never come
I can tell you I'm
A shadow on the sun

Shapes of every size
Move behind my eyes
Doors inside my head
Bolted from within
Every drop of flame
Lights a candle in
Memory of the one
Who lives inside my skin"

-Audioslave

not beowulf

Have you ever had someone put their head on your shoulder and felt completely at peace? So entirely satisfied in the moment that you wouldn't dare change it? Would you open your arms wide? Would you smile? Would you reach over and turn off the run-of-the-mill leonardo dicaprio movie? The truth is that you wouldn't move a muscle. You wouldn't change a thing. Those moments are rare. And they are NEVER, in the minds of others, all that they seem to be in one's own.

For me, it is what it seems. At such a fulfilling moment, what else is there but what I see? There's a lot. I don't see what I'm not. I don't see my complete lack of reaction. I don't see my complete lack of emotion. What may have extringuished a moment for me might have enriched it for others. Sometimes I need to be reminded how others feel. Now and then, I need to be reminded that I have the ability to feel. It's something really amazing, to be able to truly surprise yourself. To be able to shock yourself. And once you've seen that, it's hard to go back. You're left not knowing what to think about yourself, about those you might've surprised in the process, those who might've surprised you. To dabble in negativity, to fixate on it, to be consumed by it. To lose whatever it was that made it all ok.

I can't be happy anymore. I'm not capable. Not in the way that I'd like to be, anyway. Somewhere along the line I lost the ability, or forgot how.

It's all tainted, dilluted somehow. Every experience is inherently flawed. Making the play should've been reason to celebrate. Instead, I couldn't see past the glaring misfortunes of so many others. It's so bittersweet.

Every day is golf tryouts all over again. I can't go out and enjoy a nice round with friends because of all the vomiting I did in the preceding days. Something like that just leaves you feeling empty, drained. It had to be a mix of good and bad, it couldn't just be good. I can't just let myself be happy.

What is a mistake? A decision that proved to be wrong? Incorrect? Something that didn't turn out the way you had planned? I don't like the word "mistake". I don't understand it. I don't like to use the word, because it has a negative connotation. It means wrong. I've done a lot of things wrong. Maybe I've made mistakes, but I like them. Lately I've made some of the best mistakes of my life.

Yeah, expressions of emotion are like vomit. I guess you're supposed to overreact, that's part of the basis for emotion. Eat too much bad emotion, and you're sick for a long time after. The people you care about don't like lookng at your stomach contents. I wish they didn't have to, to see you step out of yourself. I wish I didn't have to. I wish I didn't have to pass it on to others. You wouldn't think it would be contageous. Then one day everyone feels queezy all the time. The worst has come and gone, but they're still queezy, when they look at you. So what's the solution? Stop eating, of course. (The metaphor continues). I can't throw up what I don't eat. And eventually I'll stop being hungry. Hopefully. But how long must I starve? I've lost so much weight already.