goodbye
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2017 26 February :: 9.01am
I had a PTSD flashback last night. Accompanied by long-lasting ticks and about 3 lbs of tears.
That is the first time I've experienced something like that... it was very frightening. It's difficult being out of control of your body and emotions. I really need some help with this. I can't wait to see my therapist tomorrow.
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goodbye
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2017 19 February :: 9.27pm
All day has been a painful memory. Tearful moments of wishing things were different than they turned out to be. It's not gone and will never be gone.
My family was here at least. At least they were by my side. That's all I need. I can count on them. It feels so good to just be myself at least with three people on Earth... and a puppy, of course. Judgement-free.
Love and respect and home is all I need to feel right now. It's a big bandaid that's stretched over a deep wound that doesn't seem to heal. One half of the bandaid slips off and support is the adhesive that secures it again. My family is everything to me.
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goodbye
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2017 11 February :: 3.40pm
Headaches starting. I need iron pills to balance my lack of it this week. Every time it's the same thing - migranes all week long. I need to also get a cast iron skillet. I think i'll make that my plan this weekend.
I also need to clean and get my taxes done. I always get so nervous when I have to take care of them but procrastinate because they suck. Some things make me very much dislike being an adult.
I'm going to talk with my parents when they come over next weekend. I'm getting ill thinking about it. But it's something I have to do... this weekend anniversary will be particularly rough.
I can't wait until it's all over and I can just relax and be myself. Maybe I should take some time off during the transition... I could use some days for rejouvenation and mental health. All this vilification is killing me.
I wonder if I'll ever find something good again.
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goodbye
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2017 7 February :: 11.45am
Punch me in the gut just to see if I can breathe.
I'm contemplating something drastic. This choice will affect my whole life.
But I can't keep going on like this.
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goodbye
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2017 5 February :: 10.52pm
I need to change my life.
I am a puppet following a script others have written for my one-man show. The social and societal obligations are overwhelming me and I feel like I'm on the edge.
As I am is not enough for anyone.
I can't be who everyone wants me to be.
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goodbye
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2017 3 February :: 9.13pm
OMG I fucking LOVE Lu so much! She is everything. I am especially stoked for her finishing all my sentences and getting my movie quotes XD
Friends are such treasures <3
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labyrinth
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2017 4 February :: 10.41am
The end result for this morning was such a fail. I had baked carrot cake, I believe was Wednesday, but it's not perfect and I know that. This was something my mom wanted me to do since a year ago. To bake something and sell some bakery goods. The problem is that I can't get all the ingredients - either they're too expensive or not readily available. I also don't have much experience in baking. I could bake perfectly because I had done this before back in the states. I made red velvet cake that receives approval from my teacher and fellow classmates. It's no use talking about it now because I was 18 at the time and I'm not there anymore.
The carrot cake was not perfect because it had missed some ingredients: ground clove, nutmeg, cream cheese, butter, vanilla extract, and walnuts. That's a huge chunk of ingredients. I mixed everything by hand. And I also forgot salt. Anyways, I went out Wednesday and asked a small coffee shop stand (not sure if I'm using the correct terms, as these types of "shops" can't be opened in the states) asking her to sell the cake for me. She told me to come again on Saturday. The result: no one bought them. The cakes had ants in them. She gave me the cash, and said she didn't want anymore. At least I know that I tried. Now I can move on to something else.
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