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2017 4 February :: 10.41am
The end result for this morning was such a fail. I had baked carrot cake, I believe was Wednesday, but it's not perfect and I know that. This was something my mom wanted me to do since a year ago. To bake something and sell some bakery goods. The problem is that I can't get all the ingredients - either they're too expensive or not readily available. I also don't have much experience in baking. I could bake perfectly because I had done this before back in the states. I made red velvet cake that receives approval from my teacher and fellow classmates. It's no use talking about it now because I was 18 at the time and I'm not there anymore.
The carrot cake was not perfect because it had missed some ingredients: ground clove, nutmeg, cream cheese, butter, vanilla extract, and walnuts. That's a huge chunk of ingredients. I mixed everything by hand. And I also forgot salt. Anyways, I went out Wednesday and asked a small coffee shop stand (not sure if I'm using the correct terms, as these types of "shops" can't be opened in the states) asking her to sell the cake for me. She told me to come again on Saturday. The result: no one bought them. The cakes had ants in them. She gave me the cash, and said she didn't want anymore. At least I know that I tried. Now I can move on to something else.
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goodbye
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2017 30 January :: 2.16pm
Fuck Donald Trump.
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goodbye
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2017 26 January :: 9.15pm
Life is overwhelming.
My family is the basis for my understanding in love. Not God or religion. Not any school education. Not any damned Disney movie. I love my family and know true, unconditional love because they taught me what it was by loving me. I would do anything for them and vice versa.
This is my support. This is my comfort. This is everything I have ever searched for. I just wish it were easier to have closer. If my brother ever chose to move back to Spokane, I would go there in a minute. I'm contemplating going back to be closer to my parents anyways. Sometimes I feel like the glue.
I don't know what I was doing for my adolescent years... I wish I spent all my time with my family. And Anna and Lizzie of course because they're honorary family. I just wish I could go back, knowing to charish every day as they came. Running to the General Store beyond my Grammie's house for sweets with my brother. Family trips to forests and lakes. Max and Nancy's cabin and The Beatles and our walks and hummingbirds on the porch. Christmas mornings when my parents would surprise us with so many toys our heads would spin. And so much more. Especially the group hugs...
Every waking moment of my life has been made better by my family and I would never trade them for anything. I make sure they know it every damn day, too. My beautiful family.
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2017 26 January :: 8.24pm
Things are starting to look up in my life. I thought of something completely different for work. I know that I can't be employed anywhere because it's long hours, short breaks and inflexible working schedules. The last time I was employed was at an english teaching facility. I overworked myself, and suffered from hallucination. I'm not going to say much about it because I'm the only one who knows something others don't. I feel better now. The Lord has helped me through such difficult time. I was going to let myself go and die. My mom wouldn't let it happen. Now I'm back.
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2017 21 January :: 7.18pm
I always think of all these whitty retorts that are super shitty to say to people. But then I'm too much of a weenie to say anything. I wish I was more of a bitch sometimes. I wish I had nads like Kayla. She's such a boss.
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2017 18 January :: 9.27pm
Kayla won't let me be hopeless. I'll open up to her and she'll come up with a ton of new ways to approach things. She's amazing. How have I ever lived without her?
I feel like I need to do something special for my dear friends. I have developed such deep reltionships with so many people over the years. Some of the relationships I worked so hard to cultivate over the course of my lifetime have simply gone "poof"...and that accentuates how meaningful and close my other friendships are. My 12 dear friends - about half of whom I regularly speak with due to distance mostly.... I have to think of something I can make for them. I wish they were all as sentimental as I am. I wish I could express their importance to me by doing one thing or giving one thing.i have to do it now or it may be too late.
Julius gave me a very thoughtful gift for Christmas. He gave me a picture of his daughter. She is such a sweet little thing. I would just hold onto her forever if I could. And I will!
So the process begins - the process by which I give the most thoughtful gift of all. I will Leslie Knope the shit out of this.
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goodbye
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2017 13 January :: 8.19pm
It's kind of funny to know some people are so self-involved that they wouldn't take the time to be disingenuous with you or lie to you.
...Interesting how life works out...
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