Shoe23
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2005 11 March :: 8.45pm
Whenever you lose a family member your world starts to disintegrate...
Imagine what it's like to never have a family at all.
Just, for a moment.. try to imagine how hard it would be to have nothing.. or no one.
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Shoe23
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2005 11 March :: 6.30pm
another long night ahead..
There's something everyday now. It wears me out.
I can only fix my internal appearance with the external for so long.
I'm running out of my external mask.. I can't hide this much longer. I never could hide it from you.. regardless of how well I thought I had it hid.
I'd like to think I avoid most questions and just people in general with my quietness but I can hear how bitter everything I say has become. I'm sorry to all of you that my bitterness may have affected.
I'm doing all I can to get my life steered in the right direction, I finally found the right person to give me a hand. Finally.
But, I'll update later with the news of the night. *crosses fingers* Maybe it wont be too bad.
[update]
My lovely father just admitted that he believes he's perfect...
That sickens me.. and he has the nerve to send me to a shrink?
Whatever.
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Shoe23
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2005 10 March :: 9.20pm
That was the last thing I needed. None of you need to know, just know that none of you ever want something like this to be on your shoulders.
Ohh well, I can handle it... as long as no one dies or tries too.
I am excited about this summer now though. Just because of you again!
*sigh* I'm just ready for tomorrow to be over.
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Shoe23
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2005 9 March :: 9.30pm
Am I the lesser of two evils...
...or are they?
Sometimes I wonder. I guess when certain things are screamed into your face as many times as they have been in mine, you start to second guess yourself and simply wonder what is really right and wrong.
A special thanks to you for making sure I was okay.
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Shoe23
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2005 9 March :: 4.15pm
So.. my plans for after school today were absolutely crushed.
I had plans to go to Mrs.H's after applying for a job on grounds crew at S.B.U. My initial plan was to not come home tonight as well.
But.. I'm halfway to ElDorado for my appointment and I get a phone call.. my fathers voice is on the other end "Amber, we cancelled your appointment, we need you at home.. there's something to discuss." That scared the crap out of me.. and I thought I could get away from discussing anything but, look at where I am now.. *home* Yes, I am stuck.
So now my plans are set for tomorrow. I have an appointment at 3:30 here in Collins I should be home by 4 from it, get my stuff together and leave. Maybe for the night, like I had planned to do tonight. I could really used a night without violence and complete chaos.
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Shoe23
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2005 8 March :: 10.00pm
Damn it.
Why do I even freaking try?
I'm stupid for staying here. I might have to take you up on your offer. I just wanted to finish this year out at home if at all possible, If it gets any worse, I cant handle it.
I'm absolutely losing it here. Every single thing I say is completely jumbled, forgotten, disregarded, or simply wrong and it's thrown right back in my face. I can't win for losing.. and I'm a sore loser.
I'm so close to succeeding, proving them wrong.. but, there are so many things trying as hard as they can to keep me here, so many obstacles. I'm stuck without enough knowledge to make the appropriate decision. I don't know what to do.
[-was it life I betrayed..
..for the shape that I'm in..
..it's so hard to fail..
..it's not easy to win-]
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Shoe23
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2005 8 March :: 5.00pm
There is one thing I ask when attempting to become friends with someone - don't dismiss my feelings just because you dont know where I'm coming from. Talking down to me is the first thing to turn off a friendship damn fast. I've earned my spot here just like anyone else has..
I've been raised differently than most would ever believe because I never introduced it through my years with everyone. Things here have always been very combative. I've been pushed, shoved, body slammed, threatened, knocked unconscious.. the list is endless.
The most painful thing only a few of you know.
Some of you don't understand why I fight so hard to leave if I've hardly made it to where I am. I'm not the only one in danger. It's not only an issue of self.. It's so much more. I've fought for practically everything my entire life.. why would I stop with this?
I can't push away my past, it makes me who I am.
I cant change how I react, it comes with my experience.
I've seen more than most of you could ever imagine.. and more than I could ever expect anyone to understand. I try as hard as I can to be the best person I can be and I struggle with every step.
Most of the things I face each day weren't my choice or even close. I'm sorry if the way I react to certain things or the borders I refuse to cross seem too limited. But I have reasons, everything I do has an underlying explanation. Every-single-thing. The weaknesses I show only because I have the strength to let them out.
I've earned all I have today...
...tomorrow will be the same.
I won't break promises...
I won't lie to you...
I won't intentionally put you down...
I won't say what you think is wrong...
I will bring you disappointment...
I will cover things up...
I will tell you what I think...
I will explain to you why I disagree...
If you don't like who I am or what I'm doing.. I'm not asking you to stick around. I don't want to put any one in a position where they feel threatened to lean in my direction.
-the initial introduction to this post doesn't apply to any of you [at least that I'm aware of] I just needed a place to vent-
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Shoe23
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2005 7 March :: 7.30pm
Tonight lacks something...
...I'm pretty sure it's the lack of absolutely nothing good happening.
-but thats just me, make of it what you will-
Tonight would be hard to explain. For some reason it seems to be sinking in alot.. I don't know why. I don't like today.. not at all.
But, I'm sure my negativity doesn't motivate you, does it?
So.. the only other thing I have to put in this update is: I need to know what you need for the little one. You have to tell me something.. even if it's just a gift card or something.. Please!
1 mindless thought |
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Shoe23
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2005 7 March :: 6.25pm
[ if only you could watch me fall
i cannot feel it anymore
the soul you cut - the soul you adore
cannot feel you anymore
'cause you've run through me with destructive force
i think -somehow- i've got to see it straight
i've got to get you out of me
but i cannot get through to you
i can transcend you and mentally bend you
but i can't handle the shit that i'm into
i have been blinded and always reminded
of the things i've wanted but i never could find
i am a part of a world that i hate
i wish the end would come faster my world's a disaster
can't you see that i'm down and i'm drowning
what i'm really trying hard to get -down to words-
is the way i fit into this world
things i survived pushed me to the darker side
because of life ..as it was
the life that was yours should've never been mine ]
[ no more holding it in
how many years can i pretend
nothing ever goes the way it should
no more sitting in this place
hoping you might see it my way
'cause i don't think you ever understood
that what i'm looking for are the answers
to why these questions never go away ]
[ nothing bends it only breaks into pieces
i waited for hope to arrive but it never came
leaving me with only pain inside
i'm going off the deep end
holding on is harder than it seems
when you're reaching for so.much.more
seems so much easier to just give in ]
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Shoe23
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2005 6 March :: 8.35pm
Imagine that...
...it must be time for the nightly yelling match.
"no one knows what it's like to feel these feelings...
...like I do... and I blame you."
It looks as if it will be a bad night. Maybe he'll leave.. -nevermind- I'd never get that lucky.
It's hard to tell what'll happen.
6 mindless thoughts |
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Shoe23
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2005 5 March :: 8.50pm
Remind me again...
...why do I bother coming home?
Sometimes I'm not too intelligent.
Good day... I wasn't here, plus I was with Mrs. H - both good.
Now... it's looking as if the night will fail at even being decent.
Hopefully it will be tolerable. It'd have to get pretty bad to not be.
I'm so tired of this house I'd rather curl up in a damn corner and die.
But I can't... I have to stay strong for her and for me.
I know it's best to stay strong.. but, it's easy for me to give in. Often this gets the best of me.. it brings my worst side out. I don't like the person this makes me but I've never known the difference.. I've never been able to show a different side. The time is coming though.. it's coming as soon as I can get it here.
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Shoe23
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2005 4 March :: 9.45pm
Another night to come home to a disaster.
The evening had even went well.. I was at Mrs.H's the entire time. Then I got home.. apparently my parents are at it again. My mother was just coming home as I was from "taking a drive" and my father was just stomping back and forth being the typical ass he is. It's not too bad right now.
I'm so tired of their crap.. his mainly but sometimes her's just as much. There's nothing I can do to help it.. just wait it out.
So.. plans for tomorrow -when ever it may come- Work in the morning at 7. To Mrs. Heggemann's between 12-2ish. Maybe tomorrow will be alright since most of it will be at Mrs. H's.. I will still have to be around him some though.
Sunday.. Work from 9-11.. evening depends.
I'm really starting to get tired, I might try to sleep.. sometime. Not too good at sleeping anymore.
I wouldn't even be trying if it weren't for you.
That's it.. I'm out. G'night everyone.. have a good weekend.
1 mindless thought |
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Shoe23
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2005 3 March :: 9.55pm
Conversations that consist of nothing but end up as mood changers are awesome. Few people can have an impression on my mood.. actually mainly just one person and it's wierd because it's always a positive change. It's nice.
I was just thinking about the wierdest thing earlier.. why is it that there are certain things everyone dislikes but typically there is something made with the disliked ingredient that they love? I'm like that just as much as anyone else but, it's wierd.
It's seems as if there will only be slight controversy tonight, my father just said goodnight. Hopefully that's a good sign anyway. Things are known to make complete turns when they involve my parents and I. It's really a hard thing to follow.. one minute I'm acceptable [or as close as I can be in their eyes] the next I'm the worst thing that has ever happened to the world. It's a tricky thing. Really.
...and that's all. No more updatage.
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Shoe23
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2005 3 March :: 4.30pm
...as the introduction to hell continues.
How is everyone else getting along?
I'm drinking milk, skim of course. I've decided to just drink milk instead of eating. Think that'll last long? We'll see.
I believe my mother and I will be going to the game tonight, I'm not sure but that was the original plan.
If I don't stop coughing I don't want to go anywhere.
Well, I'm about to scratch those plans, my father just informed me that he would be going. *curses*
So.. I guess I'll go find something to allow me to say I tried to take my mind off of everything so I don't lie when I say that I did try.
5 mindless thoughts |
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Shoe23
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2005 28 February :: 8.15pm
That's it.. it's over.
Everyone has a time to lose, our time just never ended.
My senior year is failing fast.. there's nothing left to do.
..and No, I'm not depressed about the fact that we lost.. I'm depressed about the fact that there are no more times to lose, and on a lighter note.. no more times to win. The fun times are over, there's nothing left to keep me on the move, on my toes... away from my house.
I don't mean to bore you with my crap but alot of you would never understand how much this year has truly changed my life. Starting with Mrs. Heggemann and the softball team.. I'd never felt more alive. The friendships, the confidence, and the experience I gained could never be replaced by anything that would stand a chance at equaling in value. I'd never really picked up friendships so fast.. the bond was just different.. the cause from us all having a common light inside caused by softball and every single thing that came with it. The love and respect for the players and of course Mrs. H never left.. everyone of them have caused a positive change in my life this year.. especially Mrs. H.. without her I'd never have even thought about softball.. or a future for that matter. After the softball season ended I basically thought my adventure for my senior year was over.. then, basketball came into mind. What did I have to lose? I'd already thrown myself into the center circle of athletes. Basketball went just about like softball.. all of us quickly gained the respect for each other on and off the quart. None of us were measured by the amount of talent we had to give but more by everyone bringing what they had to offer to the team. Honestly, I couldn't have spent any day of practice better.. not a single one. I now have an immense amount of respect for Coach D and all of the girls.. every-last-one. I wish I could thank them all and let them know how much it meant to me for them to allow my presence on their court and on their field.
Play Hard. Play Smart. Play Together.
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