Shoe23
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2005 7 July :: 10.45pm
...my next wish is the catch - I'll die before I come back...
I wish I had that kind of strength. Instead, the only way I'll be dying is by his hands because I did come back.
I always come back.
I always get this.
I should be off. I'm not going to try sleeping, it'd be another failure.. instead I plan to find something that occupies my night.
. I feel it in me .
. so overwhelmed .
. all this pressure centerizing .
. my life overturned .
. unfair the despair .
. all these scars keep ripping open .
..
. do you pull me up just to push me down again? .
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Shoe23
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2005 3 July :: 1.25am
A special thanks to Ellen who made me feel damn lucky to have her around. Thanks for taking the time to tell me what you did... I really appreciate what you said.. even drunk.
I think you are right. I just do this because I like to put myself in bad situations.. it's all I ever seem to do when I run into something good. I go straight back to what wasn't right in my life every time.
...I go to all of the right places for all of the wrong reasons.
I'm sorry for not thinking. I know I have alternatives and -like you said- I put myself here. I can deal with that...
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Shoe23
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2005 2 July :: 12.15am
I hope I never know another person as pathetic as I am.
I was pulled over for driving drunk tonight. I knew the guy, he works with my father. I'm stupid for even... living.
I'm just pissed right now.. by morning it'll all be better for all of them.. most wont remember. I always remember. I wish I had the ability to be forgetful and stupid instead of just being stupid when I've been drinking.
Screw it.. it doesn't even matter. Nothing matters. I'm wasting perfectly good air by even freaking being here right now. Wasting a perfectly good life that someone -or anyone- else should lead for the benefits. I dont have a damn thing to complain about.. I guess just simply being alive isn't good enough for me anymore. I've always had high standards and no capability of reaching them.
Hoo-ray for me.
Hoo-ray for life.
.update.
Thanks, Ellen... you know why.
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Shoe23
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2005 29 June :: 9.45pm
Such an upsetting night. No matter how far away I get from home problems always follow. I suppose that's just a part of life though, eh? Well... that doesn't make me feel any better.
Going to see someone in a hospital generally means bad news. I don't want this to happen again. I'll probably take off early tomorrow to go to the hospital - I feel like I should anyway.That is unless -he- made it all up for fun and games. I think he was telling the truth though.. when his voice isn't steady you either know something is honestly wrong or he's afraid the world will crash down on him like he tries to make it on everyone else.
I also saw the most uncanny resemblance between myself as a child and another in McDonalds. I suppose you'd have to know how McDonalds was used as a symbol in my childhood to really understand. Anyway, she had a black eye but still appeared as happy as a child can. It is truly amazing how easy it is to cover up the damage you do to a child with something as simple as a Happy Meal. Sad to think how those little boxes of happiness can erase everything..- a magic box -.. practically. It wasn't a hard situation to figure out - given I have experience. It made me cry, the more I thought about it after I got here the more I felt sick to my stomach. I had to leave because I really did end up making myself sick. Sorry for leaving without telling you.
Regardless I suppose I can say as you might say, at least I am safe. I only wish more could have a place like I do to go when things don't go so great.
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Shoe23
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2005 27 June :: 4.45pm
. and my words will be here when Im gone .
. as Im fading away against the wind .
. and the words you left me linger on .
. as Im failing again now, never to change this .
..
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
..
. and it seems Im alone here, hollow again .
. as Im failing again against the wind .
. and the scars I am left with swallow again .
. as Im failing again now, never to change this .
..
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
. and Im sympathetic .
. never letting on I feel the way I do .
. as Im falling apart again at the seam .
..
. the same old feelings are taking over .
. and I cant seem to -make them go away- .
. and I cant take all the pressure sober .
. but I cant seem to -make it go away- .
. the same old feelings are taking over .
. and I cant seem to -make them go away- .
. and I cant take all the pressure sober .
. I cant -make it go away- .
So.. you probably know that my mothers phone call wasn't the only reason I didn't come back to your place. It's hard for me to handle watching you pack everything up and change everything around. It's really hard. I might come back tonight after my game or I might not but if I do or not I'll leave your card there before I go to work.
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Shoe23
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2005 23 June :: 10.45pm
Yeah...
Anyway, I'm soooo glad I can piss people off so easily. I'm talented.
Good thing I'm in a fairly good mood otherwise I would've been pretty angry right now.
.. I.... wanna rock and roll all nite -and- party every day ..
*sigh* Scott told me my hair was nasty today... it was funny. "What's wrong with your hair is it... oily?" Jacki: no, she uses a lot of hairspray" "That's nasty." I guess he noticed because he was sitting so close to me I had to lean away in order for his shoulders to fit. Not that I wanted to lean away.. lol. I'm just kidding.. I'm not invading anyone else's relationship, I've pulled that number too many times.
I guess that's enough conversation.. my happiness has left so I'm done talking.
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Shoe23
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2005 22 June :: 8.00pm
. this distance, this dissolution .
. I cling to memories while falling .
. sleep brings release, and the hope of a new day .
. waking the misery of being without you .
..
. surrender, I give in .
. another moment is another eternity
..
. you know me, you know me all too well .
. my only desire - to bridge our division .
..
. in sorrow I speak your name .
. and my voice mirrors my torment .
..
. am I breathing? .
. my strength fails me .
. a bitter memory .
..
. what's my release? .
. what sets me free? .
. do you pull me up just to push me down... again? .
What a day. So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm really not so cut out to live by myself. I must require more human reaction than I thought. It's insane, this is insane. I'm not really a hobby person either, I've never really had a hobby. Never needed one. This "alone time" was kinda good for me.. it just made me realize that I'm incredibly lonely. It's also made me think about my random sex acts. It's not good... not good at all. I've no reason to do it either, I don't even like sex. <-- Just in case you didn't already know. I've no explenation, especially not a logical one.
. 'cause I'm trying to be somebody .
. I'm not trying to be somebody else .
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Shoe23
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2005 21 June :: 10.20pm
. live in my head for just one day .
. I see myself and look away .
. the road is showing now -on my face- .
. soon I'll disappear .
. I'll disappear without a trace .
..
. faces that I've seen turn old and grey .
. I've lost too many freinds along the way .
. memories I never thought would fade .
. they fade and blow... away .
..
. I wish that I could disappear .
. unzip my skin and leave it here .
. so I could be no one again .
..
. so now the walls are closing in .
. because in life you sink or swim .
. sometimes these shoes don't feel right .
. feel like a book that can't be read .
. a book that can't be read .
I need a hobby...
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Shoe23
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2005 19 June :: 12.40am
I wish I could just pretend to be dead today. Fathers day is just stupid. I'm happy for those of you with a good father...
But.. really, I'm not a celebration person. I wasn't raised like that. Everyone is so serperated and... well, it's kinda like we're all a different race and everyone is racist. That's my family, no one shares the same opinions so it's left alone.
. If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive? .
. though I'm closer to wrong .
. I'm no further from right .
. and now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me .
. convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me .
. no there's nothing you say that can salvage the lie .
. but I'm trying to keep my intentions disguised .
. and now I'm deprived of my conscience and something's got to give .
. this all belongs to me .
..
. I'm beaten down again, I belong to them .
. beaten down again, I've failed you .
. I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them .
. beaten down again, I've failed you .
..
. the deception you show is your own parasite .
. just a word of advice you can heed if you like .
. and now I'm convinced on the inside something's wrong with me .
. convinced on the inside you're so much more than me .
I hate feeling like a failure. I'm not strong. I can't keep promises. I can hardly stand myself. There's no one left to hurt but me. Everything is because of me anyway, right?
I'm just right on the wrong side of it all.
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Shoe23
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2005 18 June :: 5.00pm
Some people have wicked mood changes. I happen to be one of those people... I've practically come to the conclusion it came from my father. He goes from decent to bastard in about two seconds. It's so hard to read too.
It's funny when my father is trying to convince my mother that they should buy this expensive ass grill to replace their nearly-new one. He's going on and on "it withstands temperatures from below 0 to 1800 degrees!".. who cares?
Now the conversation has turned to me.. "Amber, I think I owe you some money..." "don't worry about it.." *my mother talking to my father* "she wont take ones.." *dad yelling* "what in the hell is wrong with a one?"
...ugh, what in the hell is wrong with YOU? From nothing to something to bitch about in 5 seconds.
Maybe I'm just to observant of people and their actions. I notice everything. Maybe I pick out too many flaws in people. I love a lot of you for who you are though, why cant I find something like that in my parents? It's not that I want to find that it's just that there should automatically be a respect and love for them.
I don't know.. I'm just wasting time because there isn't a thing to do.
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Shoe23
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2005 17 June :: 6.00pm
I'm at home. I didn't come sober for fear of not being able to handle any sort of situation that may happen. I'm completely on edge... I'm just freaking out. I'm becoming me again, the old me. I can feel how deep and secretive I'm trying to make myself and everything about me seem. It's pointless to know things like all of the activity in my life it only adds crap to other lives and that's just not needed. I may just be feeling like this because I've hardly spoken to the people I actually talk to in forever, or so it seems.
Things have just changed. Everything has changed. I guess I'm having a hard time dealing with that. Once I get a source of stable ground everything changes and I lose it again. I just hope I will someday have something stable to help me stand strong. Some say God is the best source for that.. others seem to think differently. Personally, I plan on going where I lead myself with what feels right.. hopefully that is in the right direction.
I don't even know why I just said all of that.. it means nothing.
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Shoe23
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2005 17 June :: 6.15am
My father is being nice again.
I'm sitting here thinking of all of these things that have happened. I could update with that but.. none of it really matters. Nothing of substance has happened lately.
I guess I'm just letting you guys know I'm still alive.. though sometimes even that is deemed questionable.
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Shoe23
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2005 13 June :: 5.25pm
"It takes two people to have an argument" ...? That's bullshit.
Oprah kinda got to me today. Quite sad, eh?
Someone is already driving my car around in Bolivar. Don't be like one of my other friends and flip the guy off thinking it is me. I doubt it's appreciated.
I went to lunch with Scott today only to find out he does still have a girlfriend. So much for trying again. Damn my luck.
Anyway.. no good news. Just news with a mild disappointment issue.
-and- I also forgot to tell you guys that one of my jaw bones is fractured along with my broken rib. It's a nice combination.
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Shoe23
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2005 11 June :: 12.10am
Why didn't you guys warn me how much broken ribs hurt? Not that knowing would've helped the situation. Hoo-ray for my first broken bone... ever. You can feel the love I get in my right side.
Ahh... the advantages of self-destruction.
I guess negative attention is better than none.
I also don't need another person to tell me I'm a bad person... so, If you're lining up for that -I don't want to know- hold your tounge. Please.
While I'm saying some valuable things.. I broke two of my promises to you tonight. I'm sorry... I told you it would happen. Those peachy occurances of boxing with my father have made it a little rough on me this evening.
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Shoe23
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2005 7 June :: 9.15pm
Nothing too good to believe can last forever.
That's the only conclusion I've really ended at in a week. What brought it on? The rain.. that's all it took.
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