Shoe23
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2005 5 May :: 7.05pm
What an asshole. I don't think I'll ever get along with my father. I don't know that I want to. He's impossible. I do everything a normal parent would want their child to do and sometimes more.. is it good enough? Of course not. What do I have to freaking do? I'm coming to the point where I should just tell them that I'm on drugs, I drink non-stop, and that I am crazy and have been known to try and kill myself.. maybe they'll slap me in an institution. You know why I wouldn't mind that? Because I wouldn't be here at my "home".
...no one can blow down a brick wall...
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Shoe23
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2005 3 May :: 9.45pm
So.. never thought the last month of school would be so busy. I also never thought half of the things that came up would, and they shouldn't have. Everyone seems to be so light and happy these days.. it makes me feel... obligated. I'm sure you probably don't understand why or how it would make me feel obligated but thats why I don't care if you understand or not.
I just have too much going on right now. You know, most people say they wouldn't want to be someone else, I'd love to try it. What would I have to lose?
...and you...? [delete original post] I suppose the e-mail I sent will determine how you want to handle the entire thing.. hopefully, I'll get an e-mail back.
I should probably just drop everything before I lose any more friends, eh?
Maybe I can defy all scientific proof and disappear.
Have a nice, happy, jolly, fun-filled day everyone.
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Shoe23
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2005 30 April :: 5.30pm
. Excuse the mess, I didn't see you from behind .
. I caught a glimpse, but the reflection's only mine .
. It's .almost. like I'm paralyzed and locked outside myself .
. What I don't need is to concede because I won't be someone else .
. I am not perfect and I don't claim to be .
. And if that's what you wanted .
. Well then I'm so sorry .
..
. How about a better version of, the way that I am .
. How about a better version that, makes me understand .
. How about a better version of, the way that I am .
. The way I look, The way I speak .
. How about a better version of me .
. As I go, remember all the simple things you know about me .
. and I still hope, that you will miss me when I'm gone .
.. I'm gone ..
.. everyone has their day to die ..
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2005 26 April :: 10.15pm
Oprah probably wasn't the best choice of things for me to watch today.
I wonder why it is I always relate myself to things.. and also why I take things so personally. I take almost everything personal I just don't let it bother me too much. Okay, that's a lie. I let everything bother me. Just a quite practical flaw.
...and yes, I know.. the world must revolve around you.
Two people in the senior class are starting to really sicken me. Ellen, you know who one of them happens to be. The other one always seems to fall behind like my shadow. She's always there.
I think I may have made a bad turn when I became so sarcastic. It's made people believe I'm a person that I try hard not to be. Atleast as I learned today. A few comments from here and there shot me down damn fast. Thats okay.. everyone is misunderstood to a certain level.
Tomorrow night.. Bolivar, finally. I have to stop and take care of my parking ticket and then drop by Russell Cellular and buy something then to Wal*Mart for my grandmother. Fun times, eh?
Since I'm not too capable of functioning properly, I'll talk to all of you who matter tomorrow at one time or another.
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Shoe23
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2005 25 April :: 4.10pm
I'm exhausted. It's probably from doing nothing.. well, except all of those things I do that I shouldn't, I'm good at making people proud.
I also plan on getting absolutely wasted the last few chances I have. Friday night to start things off right in the wrong direction.
Whatever... screw it all...
-chances
-change
-a new beginning
-trying
-succeeding
-being safe
.or simply just.
-...life.
-update-
People who don't care enough to let people know that plans change just really piss me off. I should've known it would be this way. One more reason to not be assistant coach.. not that I don't want to be. I wonder if she asked me just for the hilarity. Whatever, at least I'm attempting to be dedicated.
.can I break away?.
. push me away .
. make me fall .
. just to see another side of me .
. push me away .
. you can see what I see .
. the other side of me .
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Shoe23
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2005 23 April :: 7.10pm
Friday was awesome. I had more fun on Senior Skip Day than I've ever had any other time with my class. It was loads of fun. Everyone there I could stand. No one was stupid and everyone was fairly mellow. It was just simple and fun. Too bad it was so windy and cold. It was alright though. After being a Capalinger [sp?] Mills the entire morning the party migrated to Angie's place of residence. I went to Bolivar because I wasn't feeling so great. So, I hung out at Tiff's house until I lost most of my spaciness. Then, back to Angie's where I drank and did a few other things. My father actually gave me permission to stay out until 1 a.m. since I wasn't "running around". I stopped drinking around 12 so I had an hour to get a little aware of the surroundings before driving home. It was just so unbelievable fun, the entire day. Hopefully grad. party will be just as fun. I'm not driving home from it though, there's no way I'll be able to.
Anyway, the weekend started off great. Today had a bit of a turn to it though. My family went to Springfield. It wasn't too bad on the way there. My mother, grandmother and I always go in while my father and grandfather stay in the vehicle. One of us three always call one of them to come and pick us up from a certain exit door. Today, my father just takes off before my mother could get in and he just starts driving away with her holding onto the car, basically dragging. So she yells "Danny! Danny!" and he slams on his brakes and she slams into the door. Not one word was spoken after that. It was just... strange. So, he's pissed at the world because she can't jump in the moving vehicle and she's pissed at him for being such an ass.
I don't know if anything is going on tonight, I'm in the mood to migrate for a while. I should call Angie and see what's up.
Tomorrow, Bolivar for sure.. to where, not sure. Either your place or just with the family. I'll see which when I find out from you what your plans are.
Back to shit Monday. Softball practice Monday night at 8.. or 8:30, don't remember. I have to change my weekly Bolivar plans now because of it.. unless I say I can't do it. I'm not good at changing things around successfully. Unless I go Sunday nights and stay and stay Wednesday nights or something. I just don't know. I really need someone to schedule and change everything for me. Don't we all?
-since then-
I love when people you thought didn't even exist anymore call you up and want a favor. Then they just hang up when you tell them you can't leave. Like it was my fault!?
better than that...
Happy 1 month Birthday Irvin!!
What a crazy thought, I can't believe it's already been a month, before anyone knows it, he'll be 18. Unbelievable. It's kinda cool lil' Irv and I have something celebrate on the same day. Well, his day shall be celebrated mine just remembered.
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2005 20 April :: 7.00pm
I'm not sure how to describe today. I wasn't any different. You know me, I don't ever change externally. But.. Ellen was happy, I noticed that made some other people glow as well. I didn't even see Evan enough to talk to him. Everyone else was about the same I think, I don't really pay attention. I don't care enough to.
Happy Birthday to Adolf Hitler -and- Carmen Electra. Also, hoo-ray for all of you pot smokers, hope you had fun.
Quote of the day:
"The latest definition of an optimist is one who fills up his crossword puzzle in ink."
- Clement King Shorter
My great-grandfathers auction is May 2nd, my mother gave me a bill of sale today. Made me kinda sad. "Due to the recent death of Perry Johnson, we will sell the following described merchandise at the home located at 224 N. Flint in Bolivar, MO."...there goes the rest of his life.
I'm so cynical it sometimes sickens even me. It's just who I am. Looking at life as "everything happens for a reason" is alright but when you're happy because of it.. if that gives you peace of mind, you're the one that needs help, not me.
...even those who never frown will eventually break down...
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2005 19 April :: 4.45pm
I hate people. Today especially.
Damn it...
Imagine that.
Whatever you say.
-on a positive note-
Thank you for coming today. It was nice to see you, not that I don't normally. I guess it was just nice to have you there to keep me sane. Mr. Jeffrey call me out while you were gone to "talk". He said Mr. Retard Ford was going to "monitor" the class. Whatever
Welcome back Ellen and Evan. Hope your trip was okay.
. I hear you talk about your family life .
. I wish I knew just what that means .
..
. My mothers always tried to change herself .
. She never learned to let things be .
. She doesn't know how bad she messed me up .
. 'Cause now she seems so fake to me but I love her .
..
. If you push me then I won't fall .
. I've been programmed to take it all .
. And shove it way down inside .
..
. I've never needed anyone to help me .
. I'm begging you to please come save me from myself .
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2005 17 April :: 10.01pm
What-the hell-ever
That's what I get. This is what I get.
I am losing one day at a time.
. I'd like to run away .
. I'd like to say a few things .
-to you-
. about the way I feel inside .
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Shoe23
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2005 16 April :: 7.15pm
What a day. My father is so incredibly obsessive about some things he shouldn't be. It makes me fall into a trance when I think about why she never left him when she had the chance. She makes it seem like he's the only thing in the world.. like she thinks he's almighty. I wouldn't ask him to do anything for me if it were my life on the line, there's not a chance in hell.
Anyway.. since my life revolved around his shit today, I hope you guys did have a chance to enjoy the wonderful weather.
Evan and Ellen, have a fun, safe trip. Good luck! I'll miss you guys.
-update-
I successfully pissed off another friend. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be so deficient.
I'm saddened to think I may not have you around next year. You'd think I'd be used to losing people by now.. or just used to not having any around. I'm just the complete opposite.
I'm so contradicting. It's pathetic. Everything I hate so much I always make happen. Leave it to me.
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Shoe23
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2005 16 April :: 4.45pm
.[Everclear - Wonderful].
. I close my eyes when I get too sad .
. I think thoughts that I know are bad .
. Close my eyes and I count to ten .
. Hope its over when I open them .
..
. I want the things that I had before .
. Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door .
. I wish I could count to ten .
. Make everything be wonderful again .
..
. Hope my mom and I hope my dad .
. Will figure out why they get so mad .
. Hear them scream, I hear them fight .
. They say bad words that make me wanna cry .
..
. Close my eyes when I go to bed .
. And I dream of angels who make me smile .
. I feel better when I hear them say .
. Everything will be wonderful someday .
..
. Promises mean everything when youre little .
. And the world is so big .
. I just dont understand how .
. You can smile with all those tears in your eyes .
. Tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. I go to school and I run and play .
. I tell the kids that its all okay .
. I laugh aloud so my friends wont know .
. When the bell rings I just dont wanna go home .
..
. Go to my room and I close my eyes .
. I make believe that I have a new life .
. I dont believe you when you say .
. Everything will be wonderful someday .
..
. Promises mean everything when youre little .
. And the world is so big .
. I just dont understand how .
. You can smile with all those tears in your eyes .
. When you tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. No, I dont wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now .
..
. I dont wanna hear you say .
. That I will understand someday .
. I dont wanna hear you say .
. You both have grown in a different way .
. I dont wanna meet your friends .
. And I dont wanna start over again .
. I just want my life to be the same .
. Just like it used to be .
. Some days I hate everything .
. I hate everything .
. Everyone and everything .
. Please dont tell me everything is wonderful now... .
..
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2005 15 April :: 11.45pm
I have to write a report of anemia this weekend. Also, I was supposed to make a visual aid, I left it at school - it's not finished.
-and-
...as if my nose wasn't messed up enough. -thanks a lot "dad".. so much for promises.. the ones you break every-single-time I'm here.
I should go to bed since I'm sick and all. I don't trust him when I go to bed first. It's a rule not made to be broken, that's for sure.
I need to go somewhere to think but I don't think I could think over the sound of my breathing right now. I've the urge to check in on a few graveyards though.. they're fun. I can't clear my head better anywhere else.
When my mother used to get up at 4:00 a.m. -which she still does- and I was little, after a disturbing night I'd still be awake.. she always found me in front of my fish tank just watching the fish swim around, it's really relaxing. Maybe I need a fish tank again, atleast something to help me deal with this...
"...and it's a good night to die."
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Shoe23
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2005 15 April :: 5.00pm
I hate life today.
I just have problems, most of them caused by your very own. I just have my hopes set too high. I just dedicate all I have to everything I have and when something fails I feel like nothing will ever work out.
Also, if you ever need someone to doubt anything, let me know.
I would also enjoy breathing right now, freaking sickness. Leave it to me to get sick just when the weather gets acceptable.
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Shoe23
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2005 13 April :: 9.30pm
"I'm fat, you're ugly, and I can diet."
Tonight isn't as bad as last night. Though I didn't leave at all for any reason it was still okay. And yes, just okay. I wanted to take a walk but I don't like walking alone. I didn't want to bother Evan because I was the reason Mathew, Chelsey, and Evan all got in trouble last night. I don't want that.
So.. tomorrow night is off to your residence. Thank God for that.
One month from today is graduation. Not just graduation, my graduation. It's just absolute craziness. SBU here I come... good or bad? I don't know.
I'm really tired. I wish my father would allow me to sleep. That'll never happen. I'm going to be dragging tomorrow. Actually, I think I have a lot more energy when I've not slept well. It still isn't good, though.
Hardly anything I do is good anyway, add it to the list.
...and I just remembered I had homework. *curses* I'm really starting to just give up trying at all. I always forget everything I was supposed to do anyway. I just do the crap no one cares about.
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2005 12 April :: 5.55pm
Fuck this.
I'm so absolutely fed up with my asshole of a father and his bullshit. He has the rudest comments of anyone I know. My mom? She just laughs. From the very minute he got home until whenever he passes out tonight he won't stop. Hell is guarunteed tonight. I knew he would make up for last night. I just wish I could... -I can't start thinking that again. Forget it.
...just forget it all...
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