Shoe23
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2005 10 April :: 9.15pm
Prom
Ellen
Jess
Me
The Table
Ellen and Wes
Josh
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That is all I have worth updating over.
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Shoe23
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2005 7 April :: 9.45am
.Don't let me die before I go to sleep.
.and I can't keep going.
.but I cannot start again.
.-.
.This road I walk is paved with broken promises I've made.
.at least a million times I've fallen.
.but never will I break.
.-.
.These walls I make.
.they could hold me in and hold me back today.
.but tomorrow's new and I'll walk right out .
.and walk right over you.
.if you hear me screaming.
.please don't let me fall again.
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Shoe23
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2005 5 April :: 10.00pm
I'm sick of his shit. I wish I had a place to hide right now. I'd leave but, I know, if I ever leave.. I'll never be allowed back. I don't know if.. nevermind, I don't know anything.
English today made me just absolutely furious yet extremely sad at the same time. It's a horrible combination, atleast with me. Yvette started it -well, she brought up how "bad" I used to "claim" my life was. Justin replied with "yeah, you've had it rough".. that was followed by me saying "maybe you don't know anything about me, Justin." his clever self popped off "well, maybe you don't know anything about me" and I said "I never claimed to."
It just sometimes pisses me off that hardly no one knows anything about my life. I know, that is my fault. I just wonder if it would've been easier had they known. And if so, easier for them or me? Maybe I wouldn't be where I am today if someone would've known. Maybe it'd be worse.
For some reason I am absolutely scared to death tonight. I'm shaking with fear right now.. it's strange. It's like I know something is going to happen, I even have that horrid worried feeling in my stomach though that hardly goes away. Hopefully, it's just bad instincts. We shall see, eh?
...and you would say...
...something has gone wrong...
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Shoe23
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2005 5 April :: 4.05pm
[Spineshank-Smothered]
.The black and cold reminds me.
.of all the distance we have crossed.
.and if your darkness blinds me.
.I could never be more lost.
.-.
.but I'm not the one who seeks your protection.
.I'm not the one to share the disguise.
.and I'm not the one who reeks of rejection.
.I'm not the one to tear the same way twice.
.-.
.You push from the inside.
.smothered.
.You push from the inside -out-.
.smothered.
.-.
.Have all your walls surround me.
.-they're- closing in they block my sight.
.the violence around me.
.found me when I could not fight.
.-.
.but I'm not the one to take your direction.
.I'm not the one who wears the disguise.
.and I'm not the one to share your reflection.
.I'm not the one you break the same way twice.
.-.
.I will never win.
.I will never win with you.
.I read you.
.I fear you round up no more than you know.
.I hate you.
.I still do everytime you let me go.
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Shoe23
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2005 4 April :: 10.20pm
like walking on broken glass...
I'm not at home, a night of freedom.
It's nice to not be at home with the crap. Silent, comfortable, simple nights are awesome. That's what I have here.
I still don't do anything that matters though. I really need to change my ways. That, however, is just me talking.. I do that quite frequently.
Anyway.. I dont have anything else to say... so.. make of it what you will.
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Shoe23
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2005 3 April :: 2.20pm
This makes me think...
...giving up might be easier.
ahh.. how dreadful.
30 more school days.. then freedom, atleast mainly.
...I'll be the one left when you're gone...
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Shoe23
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2005 1 April :: 9.45pm
I am so damn tired. This has been a -really- long week. The sad part is it's not even over. I need sleep but I don't even get my bed tonight it was stolen and our guest [Perry's girlfriend] is staying in my bedroom.. I get stuck with yet another night without sleep. Ohh well, maybe I can sleep all day Sunday or something.. probably not though.
I missed my walk and talk with Evan tonight.. we both had things going. Maybe we'll do something this weekend as previously planned.
Also, there is something I need to bring to everyones attention. I don't mean to shut any of your out of my life nor deny any efforts you have all made to help me out. I didn't mean for things to sound like that, you've all helped me turn into the person I am today. But, if you'd still rather take my original words and slam them down my throat, go for it.. have freaking fun.
I don't know... I'm out of things to say.
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Shoe23
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2005 31 March :: 6.55pm
To be a person involved in the "wild side" of the world the only thing I ever knew Grandpa Perry to be afraid of was death... I guess it's something everyone has to face sometime. Tonight I went to view the body. On the way home all I could think of was everything he'd done for everyone else without expecting a thing in return. He also didn't like things most would consider -nice- he wanted things that required being fixed to work properly or things that had been used and already had a history. I think he respected history more than anyone realized. Unlike most older people, he didn't live in the past he lived in and for the future. For some reason I'm having a hard time letting him go, I guess I never thought his day would come.
I don't mean to bore you all with stuff about him, it's just a partial release of what's in my head.
-all for now-
Evan.. see you later?
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Shoe23
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2005 30 March :: 10.15pm
It's going to be another night without rest. Yes, he's on a rampage. I don't think it will be as bad as usual though, he seems a bit more collected. I just got home from Evan's house so I've not been among this too much yet, there's no reason I can't handle it for the rest of the night.. and morning. I saw you online and got excited but then decided you were probably either not there or busy so I didn't see if you really happened to be on. I hope I get to come to Bolivar soon. I'm tired of being here. This week I can't avoid being here too much though.
I really feel bad for my mom. She was really close to Grandpa Perry. She's taking it really rough, I can only imagine how it's going to be Friday night at Family Night. I'll have to leave.. go get some air, something. I will never be able to stand it. The man is dead, you don't have an excuse to cry about it if you did everything you ever wanted to do with that person.. just remember the good times, right? Doesn't that work? I'm not sure it does for me, I always regret not having more of the good times or not spending more of the bad times together. But, what would I know?
I do know that I've not done any of my homework and I'm going to get in trouble tomorrow for not having it to turn in. I just don't feel like doing a single thing.
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Shoe23
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2005 30 March :: 3.45pm
Well.. one more family member gone. I don't have many to go. All of the ones that mean the most to me I'm losing. I can't believe he's gone.. he was such a strong guy. I'll miss him a lot.
I'm not sure when the family night and funeral will be, I may have to miss school Friday.
I miss last week. I want it back. I'm aware that dreading school doesn't help make it any better but it's hard not to dread going.
I feel like I could sleep for days, I'm exhausted. My brain isn't processing anything correctly. I need to go find something that'll give me energy.
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Shoe23
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2005 29 March :: 10.30pm
So tell me.. what should I do? If I'm wrong I'd like to know so I can change the way I'm looking at things. I'll be the first to admit I'm wrong if it comes to the knowledge of that fact. But right now, I think I'm right. Shouldn't you be happy because I have someone to help me out? Probably not, well.. I'm extremely thankful I do. Without her support I'd be dead in a ditch from an overdose. I have a life to look foward to now, shouldn't that make you happy? I just don't understand. Maybe you don't understand what's changed in my life lately either. Maybe I have reasons for things, not that you should need them for anything but, I've proof.
Maybe I should just stop talking, eh? It's not like it's a battle anyone will win.. no one should have this battle to struggle through to begin with. Whatever.
I've made enough bad decisions tonight.. I should let everything rest before I make another.
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Shoe23
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2005 28 March :: 10.00pm
Right now I don't think it's possible for me to care any less.. about things in general. I don't know why. Just a big slump I'm stuck in for a while I suppose. Sad that one person put's me there everytime, eh? I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how I've landed so low. It seems as if I've suffered from a great loss.. though I know there's been nothing but things I've gained lately. Maybe I'm just losing my self-worth. I feel like I'm in another world.. and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing. I know I have things in my life though. I have you, and Evie, and... Irv as the newest edition to the list. Speaking of Irvin.. I was thinking, he's the second best thing that has ever happened to me. You want to know what the first thing was? You. You have changed everything about my life into another reason to reach out for more than the nothing that was handed to me.
I've decided I have no more to say... again.
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Shoe23
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2005 28 March :: 7.20pm
...when the world falls apart...
Guess what? I get to spend another night with -only- my father. Yes, my mother is staying with my Great Grandfather again. So.. hoo-ray for a, shall we say, eventful night. I'm starting to feel very sick to my stomach.
How can someone such as myself hate where they are so much yet remain too incredibly stubborn to leave? I don't even make sense to myself anymore... actually, I dont believe I ever have. Making sense is not what I'm good at otherwise I'd be somewhere entirely different.
I just wonder.. how is it, in a world outside of my life? I've hardly taken the time to notice anything about the things I should've. I feel as if my time is wasted. I feel bad my entire life I've only been able to have time for my own life, I've not had the opportunities to help other like I would have liked. I wish I would've had the chance to take advantage of the ability to help others. Maybe I did and didn't even realize it.
..maybe this is just a dream..
I dont have anything -of value- to say.
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Shoe23
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2005 27 March :: 10.10pm
Tomorrow will be a really bad day. There's no way around it. It's basically impossible for any day the rest of this entire year to be good... the school day anyway. I just thought I'd share with all of you how much I am dreading tomorrow. So.. there it is.. make of it what you will. I'm too angry to care.. or to say anything else.
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Shoe23
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2005 27 March :: 5.30pm
Today isn't good. But, I'm getting better at hiding it, at not letting everyone know the beating I was forced to endure the night or morning before. It's good. I'm losing sight of myself again... I don't know what to do. I'm just absolutely covered in things I can't seem to rid myself of. I'm losing touch.. but, I'm waiting to get it back. I need a drastic turn of events... something to turn my life back in the right direction. I've used all of my sources, It's my turn now. So, that means.. don't count on anything, I'm quite known for letting myself and everyone else down. Atleast I'm good at something, eh?
Thank's to you last night was free of violence and hatred. It was great, a quiet night. I can't put into words how good it was to feel like I was more than just "bad news". Something more than "an accident waiting to happen". I couldn't gather enough strength to tell you how much I enjoyed and appreciated last night this morning, I appologize.
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