Shoe23
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2005 25 March :: 10.45pm
...no more holding it in
how many years can I pretend
nothing ever goes the way it should
no more sitting in this place
hoping you might see it my way
'cause I don't think you ever understood
that what I'm looking for are the answers
to why -these- questions never.go.away...
I should've stayed. I'm usually smart like that though.. risking my own safety for someone who wouldn't do the same thing for me, or even think about it. What in the hell was I thinking?
...just another night...
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Shoe23
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2005 24 March :: 6.25pm
ONLY because there happens to be the BEST reason in the WORLD
...everyone act enthused and offer some applause when I say...
...Welcome to life...
-as of 8:10 p.m. last night [3/23], 7 lb. 14 oz.-
Irvin Ryder Heggemann
-without a doubt-
The most precious baby to EVER be born..
..and -of course- to the BEST parents EVER!!!
Congrats Tiff and Nick!
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Shoe23
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2005 22 March :: 6.00pm
What a day. Hours of sitting in a hospital are long and hard to endure but, since it's who it is.. I've no problem with the endurance. I'm just so happy I get to be a part of everything that is going on.
Now.. the questions is.. will Irvin be born -today- or -tomorrow-...? I just hope everything goes well.
It was a different experience, being in a hospital for that reason. I guess I should get used to it though, eh? Almost one down, four more to go.
Is -that- not the best thing you've ever heard?
Nothing sounds better -to me-.
-update-
*grr..* Damn it.
Second try at updating.
As I tried to inform you guys the first time.. my father is a very pissed person right now. I've not seen him this angry in a long time. Tonight will be absolute hell and a half.
He punched the door going into my parent's bedroom and left a nice hole to fix. I don't know what in the hell his problem is. He's such an asshole to everyone.
What a lovely last-half-of-the-day. Not that it's a freaking suprize.
I don't care - whatever. I'll be gone soon enough, let them deal with that for a while.
Also... because of the above I will be hard to reach anytime soon... maybe never again. Who knows?
-update-
If you feel like there is something you need to do, do it. You'll never hate yourself more for anything else than delaying and losing something you once held close to you because of it.
[3/23]
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Shoe23
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2005 21 March :: 9.45pm
just.. wow..
I had some kind of weird emotional breakdown type of thing after I left your place. I just started crying and I couldn't even see to drive.. I had to pull over and gather myself. I was sitting there and I questioned myself I actually said "this is something to be happy about" and then I smiled and said "this is great!!".. so, I guess it was just a happy cry.. I'm not really sure. It was happy until I got closer to home then the part of me that doubts how things will turn out and I got worried about everything. I'm going to drive myself nuts over this for no reason!
But.. I was also thinking about if I'm closer to being your child or your sister. You're like the mother I never had and you're also like the sister I never had. Maybe you're just an awesome mixture of both? But, you know.. Irvin and I are going to be tight no matter what.
This is going to be great!
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Shoe23
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2005 21 March :: 12.35am
So.. a little update before I'm off to try to sleep for a bit.
Tonight was pretty much hell. I also don't know why it's so hard for me to hear someone telling me how much they care. I know that's all you and everyone else involved was trying to prove.
There's not too much I could say to explain to anyone what went wrong tonight. Close to everything to make it simple. There's only so much a person can do when things start to happen like they were tonight.. I did what I thought was best. Who knows where I would have been if I wouldn't have left when I did.
Thank you for giving me a call. For some reason your voice calms me down a lot. I guess because I know you're only there to help me out.
Evan, I appreciate everything you and your mother did for me tonight as well. Thanks for the talk about pretty much everything. It was good to get my mind off of things if only for a moment.
You all get a H U G E thanks from the bottom of my heart and a great big love-filled hug too. I appreciate you all so very much.
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Shoe23
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2005 20 March :: 8.35pm
If I didn't have bad luck, I wouldn't have any luck at all.
But, it keeps things interesting.. I guess.
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Shoe23
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2005 20 March :: 10.30am
Why does it still take a deep breath to say something short yet important... maybe because it's so hard to let it out? Perhaps it's just because it's an attempt to let out our doubt over the situation.. or the result. I think that may be how I look at it during those experiences. But, the more sighing and delaying I tend to do the more I make it my fault that anything they say really is true.. and that my status -as a productive person- is, in fact, not even measurable.
I've planned my life around failure because usually failure made it easier.. it fit right in with their plan. Perfection on their part was established. I guess atleast I'm good at taking a fall.. I've become quite used to them. So.. it's not a big deal anymore.
And to those of you who think you're going to let me down, don't worry about it.. it's nothing. Sadly enough I'm so used to not being able to count on people I don't hardly have hope anyone will come through with what they say. Slowly though.. that's changing. I'm trying to become a better person.. I'm doing all I can, taking careful steps.
I'm not even sure why I started going on and on about that stuff but, I'm done now. I was thinking of appoligizing but I guess you didn't have to read it, did you?
Anyway, the day must continue...
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Shoe23
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2005 19 March :: 8.10pm
*sigh*
It's hard to prepare for what might happen when you have no clue what could come next. I guess you get what was given to you, eh?
Thank you for letting me hang out at your place all day. I actually had fun... a lot of fun. I really needed that brief break from reality.
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Shoe23
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2005 17 March :: 10.55pm
What I wouldn't give to be a different person sometimes.
I can't say what I want... and I can't get away from what I don't want.
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Shoe23
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2005 16 March :: 5.15pm
This is bullshit.
Excuse the language.. but, I don't really care right now.
I should probably never talk again. It only helps me to lose everything I haven't already lost... and I don't need any help at that.
Nothing makes this better.
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Shoe23
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2005 15 March :: 5.30pm
...how senseless.
I hope the plan works. I really shouldn't hope when it involves my parents though.. it's just opening up myself to take another hard fall. So.. if it happens, great. If it doesn't.. I can't say it wasn't expected.
That's about how it goes.
I'm ready for Spring Break. I need to stay away from here and them as much as I can.
Posttraumatic stress disorder, anyone?
[update]
*sigh of relief*
The first part of the plan has been successful. We'll see how it turns out.
satisfy your urge to clutter another mind
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Shoe23
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2005 14 March :: 9.20pm
I don't even know what to say...
I probably shouldn't say anything. Most of you don't care to know anyway.
Just another night, nothing special.
I know any of you that wish to know or have a concern will just ask.
So.. I'll leave it at that.
1 mindless thought |
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Shoe23
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2005 13 March :: 8.30pm
I don't have much to say..
I've not been allowed to do anything all weekend so not really too many adventures to tell you about. I've had the entire weekend to spend with the two people in the world that want to watch me fail, my parents. Tell me, how fun does that sound?
For the last.. eh, 6 hours or so I've been working on scholarships and other things to do with college. Loads of fun, let me tell you!
I'm trying to compile a list of everything I'll need when I'm off to college. It's hard. So many things...
I still have questions for you. I'll get around to asking them sometime I suppose..
[update]
Something always happens...
...so much for it being a decent night.
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Shoe23
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2005 12 March :: 6.30pm
What did I do so wrong?
If I deserve this I'm fine with it but.. I'd like to know what it was I've done so wrong.
I'm going to lose it... and I can't leave.
I'm stuck. Another long night.. but, it doesn't really matter. I'm strong enough to take it.. I've made it this long, no reason that should change... at least not expectantly. You don't worry. Please!
satisfy your urge to clutter another mind
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Shoe23
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2005 12 March :: 8.15am
So..
Plans are as follows...
Today: I have to go to Springfield to pick up something. I'll be seeing Chase and Terri as well.. I never found out if Evan could go or not.
Tomorrow: I'm not doing a single thing.. atleast not as of now.
...and as you can see.. I made it through last night. One more down..
...also, you need to help me pick out something. It's for next year.. decor! I'm trying to find posters from art.com.. I've found 4 but, I just want to see what you think.
[update]
It's funny how c l u e l e s s people seem to act.
[update]
Well forget having a good morning.
I love the way my opinion really matters around here..
You're never wrong though.. isn't that right?
Every day brings something new.
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