:: 2006 22 March :: 10.01 pm
:: Mood: distressed

y do i keep doing this!!
I've realized that I'm becoming part of a vicious cycle :( I've been so moody and so depressed lately that I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it sux! I wanna be happy again, I hate mood swings or whatever the heck it is that's controlling my life right now :-\ And I hate it cuz it makes me irritable and then Bob gets sad or confused cuz I'm sad or mad and I wont tell him why and then itz like I'll be mad about sumthin stupid and I'll be so afraid of getting into a fight with Bobby over it that I dont tell him whatz buggin me until he gets all quiet cuz he knows I'm upset bout sumthin and then I feel so guilty about upsetting the poor guy that I become all sweet and romantic to try to make him happy again and of course that never works cuz he knows me too well but itz like a big cycle...I get upset > Bob gets upset > I try to make myself happy for Bob's sake and be sweet to cheer him up...and then who knows what, eventually I have a breakdown and end up crying to him apologizing for treating him like crap and all that and i just hate being like this...womanhood sux sometimes, and I dont even know if itz related to that, I just think there's sumthin wrong with me :(

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:: 2006 25 February :: 12.08 am
:: Mood: confused

sigh
I feel the urge to write and if i dont give in i usually go crazy with pent up emotions so here goes...i dunno what i wanna write about lol i think sumthin is wrong with me...well i know many things are wrong with me but yanno...i've been so nervous and panicky lately and i think itz causing the stomachaches and chest pains...and itz really weird cuz usually work gets me like this but this wuz a good week of work...and itz the one i felt most anxious...on two separate days i felt like i wuz gonna pass out for no reason...usually itz from being tired or not eating but i actually ate and felt fine but outta nowhere i got these hot flashes and i felt my face get really hot and the skin around my temples/upper cheeks got really tight and i really thought i wuz going to pass out, i never passed out before but i dont think it would be fun...well i didnt pass out and eventually i felt a little better but i dunno...there's nuttin to be nervous about but i'm alwayz shaky inside and i hate it...so i tell myself that i'm gonna quit being so shy and social-phobic and make myself go out there and i dunno what...be outgoing i guess...and i think that by trying to repress the nervous feelings, that just gets me more nervous cuz they're not being let out...i'm like that, if i try to calm down the opposite usually happens and i freak out...maybe i should try to freak myself out and then i would be calm haha yeah...i just hate being like this and when i tell people i'm social-phobic they just laugh or tell me to grow up and get over it...it is a disorder yanno itz not sumthin u get over...i've gotten a LOT better since high school but some things never change i guess...baby steps and maybe one day i'll "be over it"...i'm starting to sound angry but i guess i just get frustrated cuz no one else that i know understands how i feel, and i dont wanna spend a ton of money to go to a psychologist just to get pills to take, i wanna work through it some other way, i dunno i'm tired and i'm starting to get worked up again so i'm off to bed...i'm feeling better that i got this out though...leave comments if u wish....

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:: 2005 13 October :: 8.15 pm
:: Mood: lonely

I feel so alone :(
I am going to lose it soon :( i cant take it anymore...parents fighting every day about the same stupid thing, saying the same stupid things...and mom just keeps saying she's sick of this and one of these days i'm afraid that she's really gonna get fed up and leave...and i dont want her to obviously but if it stops the fighting then maybe itz for the better...i dunno i'm just tired of it...it scares me to see people who have never fought before to have come to this after so many years...it makes me question things and it makes me afraid of the future and thats not good...i'm insecure enough the way it is without having to worry about sumthin like that...but thatz what i do when sumthin gets in my head, i worry...and then i got Bobby who for some reason is having a horrible time at school but he wont tell me whatz wrong...i mean maybe it is nothing specific and just general class stuff but he isnt really talking to me much these days and i dunno what to do to make him happy again :( i just want everyone to be happy cuz i wuz finally happy and feeling good about my life and then it all crashes down around me :'( i'm ready to just leave, find my own place and move out, i just cant be around my parents when they're like this, itz not good for my mental state but i dunno how to snap them out of it...i'm just gonna go off on them one of these days and that probably wont turn out well, but i dunno else to do, i wanna help them and i wanna help Bob and i just dont know what to do :(

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:: 2005 1 September :: 9.39 pm

:(
This is bad...Bob's only been back at school for a week and i'm already going crazy :-\ itz just so hard to be away from him, it seems as though every time he goes away is when i need to be hugged and loved the most...or maybe thatz the reason y i need to be hugged by him, cuz i alwayz want sumthin at a time when i cant have it...i just get so upset every time we say goodnight...i tell myself some time apart will be good for us...for me...but it just drives me insane......i'm continuing this later cuz i feel sick and i need sleep :(

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:: 2005 7 July :: 10.06 pm
:: Mood: sad

Crappiest Week Ever :(
This week should have been so good but it sucked :( the good thing wuz all my office times were later so i could have gone out at night but of course stuff happened that caused bobby not to sleep so he wuz tired and then the one day i'm home early from work he has to work all day :( it just never works out for me...and i've just been slipping into depression lately too and i dunno y, bobby thinks i have issues but he has no idea :-\ i'm just not myself lately, the desire to move out is growing, i'm tired of people, i just wanna be by myself, come home from work to babe and just not have to deal with anyone...excluding bobby cuz of course i want him in my life, he IS my life, i dunno what i'd do without him...but now it seems like he's upset with me cuz he knows when i abbreviate our i love u's i'm upset or angry so when he does it to me he has to know that i'm wondering whatz up, he just seemed off when i talked to him, itz probably cuz he's still tired...i hope...i dunno, i take things to heart that i shouldnt, and i dunno, i'm starting to freak cuz i'm seeing my possibly only chance to go to ocean city slip away :( i just want it to happen so badly but it probably wont...i dunno, i just dunno...i wish he'd come back online to talk to me but at the same time i try to tell myself that maybe i shouldnt alwayz visit him at work or have to talk to him before work, but then every time i tell myself that some time apart would be good i just miss him so much, maybe i will go away to school, i wanna go back, i wanna go dorm somewhere, i'm missing out on the whole college experience and i kinda feel like a loser when people ask where i went to school and i say LCCC, everyone else is naming big name schools and then there's me, miss community college, i know itz silly but i still feel kinda ashamed :-\ well i dunno where i wuz going with this but i'm done now.

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:: 2005 11 May :: 7.41 pm

:(
i dunno where to begin :-\ i dont even know what to write, i'm just feelin frustrated i guess, with myself mostly, itz around "that wonderful time" again so i'm overly sensitive and lately i've just been really clingy to Bobby, like all i wanna do is cuddle with him and hold hands and hug him and i just felt kinda rejected this past week, like he didnt wanna be cuddly, and itz not his fault in the least cuz he's been sick with a bad cold so i'm feeling really selfish cuz i try to put his feelings above my own and i tried to make him feel better but i dunno, when i'm like this i need extra attention and i dunno, i just wish i could make him happy cuz he seems really tense and sad lately, i know he's probably worried about grades and job hunting and stuff and it just seems like things between us are more tense, i'm not afraid or anything but i'm frustrated cuz i wanna fix it and i dont know how...itz almost like i feel a fight coming on with the way we've been lately and i've been sensing it for bout a week now and i'm just hoping it doesnt erupt into a fight, this alwayz seems to happen right before one of our anniversaries and our 3 year one is coming up and i just want the day to be perfect, whatever we do i'm just looking forward to spending the whole day with him :) i hate this time of the month cuz i'm trying to be there for Bobby but at the same time i'm so on edge that i have to control myself with what i say, i hate it, i just hope that sumthin happens to make him feel better cuz i feel like he's pushing me away :( hopefully he wont shut me out, i just wanna be there for him but i dont know how :( thatz all i have to say...i feel better...not really though, i hope he calls to hang out tonight, itz not lookin good as of now :-\

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:: 2005 21 April :: 9.06 pm

Changes
I'm changing, and i dunno if itz good or bad yet...i noticed it a lil while ago...i think itz cuz of working at WIS, everyone is alwayz busting on everyone else and the girls are alwayz yellin at each other and threatening each other but itz all in fun, and they're drawing me in lol, itz just fun, and i dunno i'm really starting to hold my own, with everything, if someone starts makin fun of me i dont just shy away like i used to, i give it right back to them and the one girl wuz really annoying me cuz i didnt know if she wuz joking or serious and i didnt care, i said what i wanted to and i dunno the whole thing has made me more confident and outgoing and itz just to where i dont really care what i say anymore, i'm gonna say what i want without caring what other people think or say...and thatz not alwayz a good thing, cuz then i get into a "disagreement" with Bob and i know one of these times i'm gonna say the wrong thing and who knows what'll happen? i could ruin things between us, itz like i got all this pent up energy waiting to be released and when given an outlet i take it and just let loose, and it kinda scares me, i need to find the line that i cant cross...i'm itching to get in a fight i think, i feel confined and frustrated lol itz weird, i cant explain it...so y try? lol anyhow i'll move on...i found where i wanna live :) when you're on I-81 S. and u go past the West Hazleton exit and u look to the right itz gorgeous!! itz all beautiful farmland and it just takes my breath away every time, everyday comin home from work as we pass it i just stare out the window entranced by it lol i'd pick a house near the woods so i'd be secluded from neighbors but close enough that i'd have neighbors, it looks like such a peaceful little town, houses here and there, not right next to each other but scattered about, itz just sooo nice, i told my dad about it and he said itz Conyngham Valley, i'm gonna make him take me there one of these days so i can look around lol i'm gonna have to take some pix of it on the way home from work too, i cant get over how beautiful it is ::sigh:: lol well thatz enough of that, i had to write, and now i feel better as usual lol now i see how Bob is bout working out, this is what makes me feel at peace lol :)

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:: 2005 19 April :: 8.58 pm

Happy Anniversary Baby
"Because you live, and breathe
Because you made me believe in myself
When nobody else can help
Because you live
My world has twice as many stars in the sky

Because you live, there’s a reason why
I carry on, when I lose the fight.
I want to give what you’re givin’ me, always…

Because you live…I live…"

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:: 2005 18 April :: 9.02 pm
:: Music: Jesse McCartney is very inspiring

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:: 2005 13 April :: 3.25 pm

"Grant me the serenity to change what I cannot accept, and to accept what I cannot change."

To whoever said that I totally understand.

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:: 2005 12 April :: 9.49 pm

"You can always close your eyes to the things you don't wanna see...but you can't close your heart to the things you don't wanna feel."

Stolen from someone's profile...if itz u...sorry.

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:: 2005 8 April :: 10.03 pm

When ya think about it, there are no real disappointments in life...it's only considered a disappointment if you're disappointed or upset about it, so if you have a positive attitude and refuse to let it bother you, then there are no disappointments...it sounds like i'm going around in circles but i'll end up somewhere...eventually....

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:: 2005 5 April :: 8.21 pm

Roberto, te quiero mucho. Usted es el único para mí. Usted todo malo a mí y te quiero para siempre.

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:: 2005 4 April :: 8.23 pm

Life is too short...
- to worry about what you do
- to worry about what you say
- to worry about what other people think of you
- to worry about anything at all

Be carefree without being careless...
to yourself or to other people's feelings.

You have to live your life for yourself before you can live it for anyone else.

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:: 2005 28 March :: 6.24 pm

"Some dream about accomplishing things; others stay awake and do them."

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