jus4fun06
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2006 14 October :: 6.39pm
---->> Yesterday, I went with Jen and Lisa's art class to the art museum in Philly. I went completely free. Originally, its eight dollars to get into the museum, but the art class payed for me. We had a paper which was a scavanger hunt throughout the museum. I liked just walking through all the rooms better. I had gone to the museum before, but I found so many rooms that we had missed. Like we missed the colonial period and the asian art. Those were the two parts of the museum that I liked best. My favorite, however would have to be the set up rooms they had throughout the museum. I liked those the best. What can I say, I have a passion for arcitecture. The Asian art was also amazing. There was a giant room with the wooden rafters from some building that was amazing. It had painted lillies on the top. mmm.. me likey.
---->> Then we went to dinner at a brewery. There was so many bottles of alcohol. ahhhhhhhhh... The food was gewd. I got a pizza without tomatoe sauce on it. Yummy. The service was also really fast. Before I knew it, the food was there. I also got chocolate cake for dessert. The art class once again paid for me. Which was awesome!!! They were given an allowence of 20$$ to spend on food. I spent 13.50. Quite proud of myself. I gave a dollar towards the tip anyways. Meanwhile, Zach was here playing w0w. He had a raid that night. I knew he wouldnt leave his room to eat so I made sure to save three slices of pizza and half of my chocolate cake for him. He seemed happy for it when I got home. Around one, Zach's raid ended so he came to bed. We couldnt sleep due to the party next door that raged on. Haha. The funny thing is, we both woke up around 430. I remember hearing pacman. I made a comment about it. Zach said something about the ghosts running away and we then went back to sleep. It was very odd.
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jus4fun06
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2006 9 October :: 11.59am
isnt he beautiful??? i couldnt help but upload the picture of us together. he is amazing. he is my boy... hmmm... {{huggs}}
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jus4fun06
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2006 8 October :: 12.36pm
im feeling...
something different
i ask him -- why?
and he looks at i just dont understand.
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jus4fun06
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2006 5 October :: 12.55am
:: Mood: fat
i am out of control.
i cant stop eating.
i just eat
and eat
and eat
and eat
more
and more
and more
and more
i have a desire to be filled
to be satisfied
i am
spiraling
out of
control
i need to S.T.O.P
fat.
everywhere.
i dont like it.
i hate it.
me.
i am out of control
look at my room.
it is a mess.
when it is a mess,
then i have
no control.
must clean.
tomorrow.
i will be thin.
i will be pure.
i will be glass.
i am not ok
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jus4fun06
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2006 28 September :: 3.26pm
:: Mood: irritated
-she paints her world with words-
we were supposta go on a ship trip. we were going because mandee had a friend who she wanted to visit there. i said i would go to see my friend. i told my friend about the trip and she seemed excited to see me. mandee was going to drive. today, mandee announced that shes not going on the ship trip. she said i could still go, but she wasnt. one minor detail hun, YOU WERE GOING TO DRIVE!!!
this is the SECOND time she let me down. i hope shes not always like this. what bothers me the most is that she made an obligation to do something and she let me down. she did not think about me or what other people may be doing. she did not think that because i dont want to go... danielle can find her own way there. or danielle can disappoint her friend and not go. it makes me look bad!
its like yesterday. mandee was supposta coem with us to the mall to get her ear pierced. we had planned this all week. i wanted to go at 330 but we waited til mandee was done work @530. we waited for her. she then has the nerve to say she doesnt want to go. i waited for her. i planned it out for her. and she backs out. i told her, she did not need to get anythign pierced but to at least go there and hang out with us. she said she didnt want to spend that money for nothing. she let me down. i do not like that feature in people. for some reason it pisses me off. if you say you are going to be there, i expect you to be there. mrrrrr
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jus4fun06
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2006 28 September :: 3.09pm
I have a paper to write. I am trying to avoid doing it. I have so much time, but yet so little time. I have the 1500 word paper which is due tomorrow. I have the English paper which is also due tomorrow. I should study from psych. I should also study Cultural Anthropology. I should swim or at least do some sort of physical activity. merg.
I decided against swimming. My parents are going to be mad. This weekend when I go home Ill try and avoid telling them that i decided against it. I could work. I could get a job. I want to get a job. I wish the stupid work study would have came through. fuckers. I am feeling disgusted with myself lately and I believe I will continue to do that for a while. I just need to be alone...
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jus4fun06
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2006 27 September :: 1.19pm
i feel like i am spiraling out of control here. i eat and eat and eat and eat and eat... i cant stop. i feel the layers adding and adding and adding. freshman 15? try freshman 50! i will resist. i will not let it be here. i must gain control. i must control. supress surpress. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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jus4fun06
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2006 24 September :: 3.32am
:: Mood: need to express
i am tired, but i cant sleep. so i feel like i have alot to say. alot in my mind that needs to be written down. be printed before it is lost... forgotten.
college here is alot of fun. i like it alot. i like the enviroment. i like the people. i like my friends. i like so much. i dont want to leave. im afraid i will have to when the bill comes. i am spending so much fuckin money here. i am going to be in so mch debt if i dont find some way to pay for this. i hate thinking about money. when ever my rents call, it usually switches to that and it makes me unhappy. i get grumpy and wish to stop talking to them. i know what they have to say. i know what i have to do. no sense in making me angry/sad/aggrivatd to think about it.
i like my friends here alot. im glad i met them. mandee is cool. its weird how i met her. but shes been with me since the first day. and im glad i have her. she can be so crazy sometimes. although... she likes to be crazier than me and force me to stay up later... try and make me spend money.. make me always be doing something. sometimes i dont want to do anything, but ill get to that later.
Theres zach. he was in my ol group. i talked to him the second day and hes been with me since. i like him alot. like really alot. like really really. he makes me afraid though. im so afraid im messing it up and im not all i was to begin with. he calls me such an honest person, but i feel like i let him down. he describes me as "someone whos not afraid to be herself" but i am. i am myself, but at times i stop and i look back and i wish i didnt act the way i did. i hope i am and can continue to be all that he sees me to be. he so... perfect... in my eyes. like hes cute, adorable, funny, smart, deep, emotional but not too emotional, crazy, relaxed... hes pretty much how i would describe my ideal guy. and what scares me is to lose it all. the notion of not being with zach scares me. im so afraid that this amazing... thing will end. thats one word that i can sum up all of this relationship though... AMAZING. i really dont want this to end.
and the thing is... i have barely known these people a month, but it feels like so much longer. we have spent so many hours together and i think that accounts for it. its weird to think about it. although, i wouldnt of rather spent these past few weeks with anyone else.
even though i like this change and i have so many supportive friends here, i have one drawback. since ive been here, i have suffured many anxiety attacks. i hate them. they come and i feel like im going to die and i really dont want to. im so afraid that i am. that i am slowly dying on the inside but i choose to ignore all the signs and symptoms. the panic attacks come in class, at lunch, during movies, when im trying to fall asleep, in the olive garden... they are extreamly inconvenient. i wonder if theres anyway to make them go away. i dont tell anyone about them though. only heather cause i know she would understand due to the fact that she suffers from them as well. they make me so nervous and scared. i want them to just go away!!!
also another thing. my friends here want to always hang out, always do something, always move... and sometimes i just dont want to do that. i just want to lay there and stare at nothing and think... i just want to go to bed before 12... i dont want to spend unnecessary money... i want to study for a test... i dont want to eat and eat and eat... i justwant to be alone... whenever i want to withdraw they think there is something wrong with me. theres not. i just dont want to be with people. i dont wanna be social. i dont wanna have to care about their wants and needs. i dont want to listen to them talk and talk and indisisively discuss what to do next and just repeat, im bored. lets do something... over and over again. i want to stop putting on the happy face. i want to stop being social. i just want to withdraw in myself.. away from everyone else. is this weird???
and another thing. they sit here and they bash this girl ashley. over and over again. i can understand that she is annoying and that she does say things she shouldnt and acts ways she shouldnt and interpert things wrong... but thats who she is. when they put her down and stuff.. i say something. cause thats who she is.. she doesnt unerstand... she doesnt see things the way we see things... she doesnt read people the way we do... and she takes things that we normally wouldnt seriously. i guess she reminds me of me in many ways and thats why i stick up for her. i know her motives... i can understand why... i know she is lonely and blind of things we see so clearly... i look at things from her perspective and i understand. it frustrates me that the others wont do the same. i want to tell zach all this cause i know he would understand. or atleast listen. i really dont know what to do about it. it feels so wrong to sit there and talk about her like that. makes me feel so uncomfortable.
today we went to the mall. it was ok, but they kept leaving me. like i would be looking at something and when i turn around they would be gone. and not just gone in the sense that theyre in the next row... but gone as in they are waiting outside the store or moved on to the other side of the store. i would ask them to wait or to see something with me and they would ignore it. i felt like they were oblivious to me. and i guess that is a very selfish thing to say but i dont think i was intirely selfish. there is a difference to dealing with a selfish person and completely ignoring the fact that this individual is a complete person. and that frustrated me and made me sad. and since they sit there and talk about ashley so easily... i cant help but wonder... do they sit there and talk about me as well? meh.
some days... i can feel so sad. like i dont want to be around people and that i want to be alone. i cant help but think things like i am selfish and i hold everyone back and that i need to retreat from everyone. zach always senses something wrong in me.. biut i just smile and say noting is wrong, but almost everything is wrong. and this is a first. me not willing to share whats going on in my mind. i want to, but im so hesitant. i kinda discribed it to him as... i didnt want to invest so much to have it all be lost. and i wanna believe that.. but i dont think that statement really sums it up. i am cautious.. yes. hesitant. yes. maybe its because they all leave me so quick. i can tell you... i have never liked someone like this. it is different. i dont know how. it is so strong. and i know that to keep this relationship strong... i need to smile and look confident and happy... not down-trodded and sad. that zach will be so much more attracted to me if i am happier and laughing and smiling. so i guess even though im ready to break.. i should smile. keep it all inside.
with zach... i feel so much. he tells me about maria and i cry. and when i cry, i wipe my tears on his face to tell him that i can feel his pain. he says he is broken and that hes not sure if i want to fix him cause theres alot to fix. but i want to fix him. the thing is... i always fall for the broken-hearted boys. thats not a good thing. cause then they rush into a rebound relationship. i really hope that is not the case with us. i hope so much. i also feel like we are rushing so much. i try to stop, but i cant. i really believe we should. that it would do more harm than good, but i cant. i know that it makes him happy and thats what i want to do. make him happy. and once we start.. i dont want to stop. but i need to be strong. i need to say no. i pray god will give me the strength. things can only end disasterous if we dont. and i dont want to ruin such a good thing. please..
that and so much more is going on in my mind, but thats all that wants to come out today. i know i can share it here because it can be read, but not by the world. if the world read it.. then i would be poked and proded and asked.. awwe danielle... are you ok??? i read your entry and all that... i dont like that. *grumble. but yes.so i can at least get it off my chest... tomorrow.... i hope to sleep late... finish paper then go to kash's house. then... sometime... zach will come back. i can not wait!!! cause i miss him alot. and i hope i can make a week with out crossing the line... please... help me. cause i dont want to. please. out.
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jus4fun06
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2006 4 August :: 2.50pm
i just wanna cry. this is all so frustrating. im confused and im lost and i dont know what to do. i just dont understand and no one is helping me and i dont know why. they keep saying im making the wrong decisions... im doing the wrong thing. im all wrong wrong wrong!!! well what the fuck is right>.. sdj kjdsf;'lsdjhfs ajh. i really dont know how to do this. FFFFFFUUUUUUCCCKKKKK!!!!
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jus4fun06
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2006 31 July :: 5.00pm
:: Mood: frustrated
[[l0ves an excuse t0 get hurt]]
adam... where do i begin? lets just save it all for another entry... am i the only one who finds it hilarious that a guy would have a girlfriend for not even 12 hours and he cheats on her... funny... right? nick says that makes me special... special enough that he chose me to cheat on his girlfriend with? wtf? iono... i dont understand it... care to help me?
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jus4fun06
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2006 19 July :: 12.15am
DANIBANANNI: but im kinda creeped out that someone in reston virginia keeps looking at my myspace
DANIBANANNI: four different ip addresses have looked at my site, 34,32,29,and 13 times in the last month
DANIBANANNI: im kinda freaked out about that
TalkshowOnMute45: ip addresses change
DANIBANANNI: but still... who is that person obsessing over me???
DANIBANANNI: wouldnt you be scared?
TalkshowOnMute45: see, i hate it when girls act like people are obsessed over them
TalkshowOnMute45: you sound like kelly
TalkshowOnMute45: its probably just random people
DANIBANANNI: oh.
TalkshowOnMute45: and who cares
DANIBANANNI: that kinda hurts my feelings when you compare me to kelly.
DANIBANANNI: but i guess youre right
TalkshowOnMute45: annd i hate it when girls are overly sensitive to things that have no correlation whatsoever
DANIBANANNI: oh
DANIBANANNI: im sorry
im sorry but that really hurt my feelings and made me lost for words to say to you.
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jus4fun06
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2006 22 June :: 7.44pm
:: Mood: exhausted
So I had college oreintation today. It was quite overwhelming. I came home ready to sleep. Between placement testing and being thrown into awkward situations with entire strangers has really exhaust me. There were definatly some very quite guys who I would be more than willing to have their babies. Lol!! Im thinking that my "first year class" (no we can't be called freshman here) has the most straight guys in the entire population there. hmm... maybe i do have hope. too tired... later~
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jus4fun06
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2006 28 May :: 2.38pm
last night, under the stars, in a feild, we had the wildest fun. It was one year ago that you, had touched me. with alcohol pulsing through my veins, i kissed you all over. and even though it was cold, the heat of your pressing body warmed me up. you mean so much to me. i think i may even love you~
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jus4fun06
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2006 22 May :: 9.03am
lots of things are happening. they were sorta good, but mostly bad. i hope everything works itsself out in the end. but iono, i dont have much hope. ill explain it all later.
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jus4fun06
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2006 22 May :: 8.56am
from [this] website, i found some gorgeous pictures:
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