jus4fun06
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2006 16 May :: 10.01pm
like i had decided last friday... i went to the lacross game after school. i didnt know it was such an agressive sport! kinda talked to travis there. he pretty much made fun of me the whole time. hes just like him brother. merg. speaking of which, misty and i were walking back from then game and we actually saw you. i crossed the street and tried to confront you about making fun of me saturday... you just tried to walk away. figures. oh well... lets just say i found a not quite empty bottle of orange tea. tee hee. im so mean. you shouldnt make fun of me. youre right. not cool. it probably didnt do anything anyways. then i got online and my horoscope actually is VERY acurate. read below. then tell me if you agree from what i had just written above.
advise for today:
Brokensilence,
You have something important to say to a friend or business associate, but the conversation may not go according to your best-laid plans. Someone else may think you are being too serious, yet you just want to make your point. It's a slippery slope as you each slide off in different directions, leaving you both unsatisfied. Persistence, however, can bring the two of you closer, so don't give up too soon.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 15 May :: 9.43pm
:: Mood: aggravated
:: Music: Rasmus -- F-f-f-falling
you drive me fuckin insane!
i dont know what to do at all!! i am simply left dazzed and confuzed on what the fuck to do with this situation. i... just... dont... know what to... do. Maybe, when i wake up, ill be able to think of a solution.
You read about what happened on saturday below, right? well... i found out more today. ALso... i didnt tell you how at three in the morning til four, you and i talked. we talked about such random things, like youre afraid of heights and flying and how your dad works at the park. and how i should put fish in the hott tub??? that confused me.
oh well, i found some bad things out today. that night i was filled with hope, now... i just dont want to try any more. lil jack told me something i hadnt known. after i left, you flipped out on boyer. said something about how i think you like me because you return my txt and dont hang up on my calls... (how did you find out about that??) you also said you werent interested in me at all. you were mocking me. that hurts. and apparently you were so angry the rest of the night. you wouldnt talk to anyone. when you came back to the theater later that night, you didnt seem angry at all. nor did you online. thats what confuses me...
i almost wanna hide. bury my head in the sand and pretend i didnt even have a glimps for you. it hurts so bad to find out that you were mocking me. that you dont care for me. at least thats what you told everyone. it took alot for me to talk to you and txt you. i knew you held my fate in your grasp. i didnt want anyone at work to know because of the torchure i knew would bestow upon me. now work is gonna be very... very... awkward. im sorry.
on the plus side, sorta... i messed around with adam again. he had such cute cologne on. i still smell like it. i dont wanna take a shower!! and the thing is, he tried so hard to suduce me. i have never had a guy do that to me... so it was kinda cool to have that. i just am confused what is making of it. the sweet thing is he always needs a kiss whenever i leave. awww~ so thats the low down on the boys.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 14 May :: 1.20am
:: Music: Gorillaz -- Novemeber has come
i hat eit when good days take a nose dive
i worked an 8.01 hour shift. Five of those hours was with you. the night before i had hung out with you... sorta. you and i went to the dinner with the people we work with. so it wasnt alone. we had some nice comments for eachother. nothing worthwhile. then today. i thought things were good.
we had that whole discussion in concession with the whole body parts meaning something. Then you said: i heard if your hand is bigger than your face, it means you have cancer. you knew i would be dumb, didnt you. I of course, put my hand over my face. you then proceeded to whack my hand so i whacked myself in the face. you knew i would be so dumb. gosh. i thought that was funny. then i had the debate about what who was in spanish. you butted in with your two since: quien. thanks, but we had already figured that out.
i thought things were going great. I got off work and went home, took a shower, made myself look nice cause i knew i would see you when i came back to the theater. im sorry i did. i really wish i didnt. i wish i could rewind and just wait a lil longer before i came.
but i didnt. this is what happened. I walked down the hall. all the ushers were cleaning five. i decided to join. there you were at the end of the line. i just stood there, talking to adam, not paying notice to you. i knew it was best, but then something caught my eye. You, boyer and whoever was vaccuming were in a lil circle, whispering among yourselves. i didnt think anything of it. Adam, meanwhile, was trying to convince me of hanging out with him. then i noticed tyler had move down the lline to the end, out of my site. w/e i didnt think anythign of it. Tarah called me down. she was now the front of the line. i walked down to her. she told me i looked perdy. then it started.
Boyer started pointing to you with his toothbrush saying: Danielle, heres who you want. heres your man. i was like... what??!??! w.t.f. tried not to pay any heed. boyer then mad ea bigger deal as they cleaned more. you had hid under the seats. Boyer was like: you want him, here he is, hiding. something about me lusting for you. another comment: someone in this room likes you and his initials are tee dubb. i wanted to shoot boyer. so, to take the torment off of you, i started hitting on boyer telling him i think about him and i want him and stupid shit like that. it kinda worked... but i got soo pisssed. so i left and watched the rest of posidieon. fuck them.
the most i could find out afterwards was this: you were so pissed you decided to projection away from everyone. you also left saying: i hate being the bad guy. w.t.f does that mean??
im so so so so sorry. this is why i didnt want to try. this is why i didnt want to let anyone know, but me and my big mouth. emily said she would find out what happened for me. she said she was going to call, but she never did. i knew she didnt care. i had talked to brent about it and he also said he would talk to you about it, but i told him no. a) i knew it wouldnt help at all. b) brent would forget anyways and get my hopes up thinking it would all be good.
later, you went with brent and jon to go get alcohol. i went with. sat in your car. hoping, there was some possibility that you would take at least one glance at me in your rear view mirror. just a minor hope. things went kinda well, but we didnt intereact, so almost worhtless. and just like that, we departed.
i feel so dumb for thinking maybe, possibly, i would have a chance of some sort. i feel so awful for putting you in an awkward situation. you hate being awkward, but you cant help but be it. im so foolish. this past week was crazy, but i now understand what it is that i need to do. i need to step away. stuff those feelings i have into the dustiest corner and pile so many boxes that i could never even find them again. from now on, i hate you. i laugh to think of likeing you. i never did. what are you talking about. im sorry.
when i got online, my xanga had one comment. the first in months. it was from you. from friday. you had answered the question i posted on your xanga. i hate hope.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 12 May :: 2.15pm
Throughout my life, I have come across alot of different people. All of them have taught me a thing or two about life. One quality I find that I admire the most in these people is the ability to simply live life.
These people, I have found, dont stay concentrated on the little details, but the big picture of life. They take the mistakes they've made and use them to improve themselves. They don't necessarly make everyone like them, but try to their ability to get along with everyone. They are the ones who are the leaders. They are the people that I wish I could make myself become. All of them inspire me and I try to take the little piece they give me and adapt it to my life.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 12 May :: 1.21pm
:: Mood: sorta optimistic
This morning, I woke up with the best feeling in the world. I don't know why, but I just felt so good about everything. I had expected it to be cloudy and yucky, but instead it was light and the sun was shining in the sky. The first thing I thought of was this statement: Today is a good day. I don't know why but I just felt so good about today.
I don't think today will be as good as I want it will be. Work tonight is going to suck majorly. Tyler isn't working. Nick isn't working. Adam isn't working. Brent isn't working. And due to the fact that Brent isn't working, and I have to stay ‘til close, I don't know who will actually stay ‘til close. I pray that it isn't Carrie. She sucks at life. She currently doesn't have me on her good list. I had a minor incident with her. She's the bitch that didn't listen to me. But anyways, I hope it's Shawn. He's cooler when it comes to staying late. Chris Wallen is staying late too. He annoys me so much with his high opinions on how to do everything in life his way or no way at all. The funny thing is, he thinks he is actually good with ladies. Now that's a laugh.
Adam is also weird. Possibly, we might hang out today. That is before I have work. First he needs to talk to Kelly. She's all more important than. Blah! Today at lunch... I looked up at Adam and he looked over at me. It was a weird, awkward moment. Hmmm. Then when he went to dump his tray, he walked behind my chair and grabbed my churro and just took a bite out of it. *shock! I expected him to just walk behind my chair and kick it while Misty thought he was just going to tap my shoulder. Hmmm. Also interesting. Iono. I just have a loooong, boring night ahead of me. Merg.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 11 May :: 9.37pm
:: Mood: merg
My advise for today
Dear Jus4fun,
You could be rather impatient today in a relationship-oriented conversation, for it seems as if the other person takes forever to say even the simplest thing. Perhaps part of the problem is that you are quite comfortable when it comes to feelings, although sometimes you do choose to remain silent. However, once you decide to reveal yourself, you can dive right in. Paradoxically, you can speed things up by backing off and allowing others the time to put their feelings into words.
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so today i skipped school. me. one who has not missed a day of school since 6th grade, not even for being sick, skipped school. lets see, what did i do. i woke up byt adam calling me at 6am. took david to school, went to shawns house. typed up his paper. went to kellies, surfed online. went to mc-d's kellie ate, i didnt. i saw a jimmy that looked like brett kains. so i tried to txt him, tellign him i skipped. he didnt respond. merg. went to the mall. didnt buy anything. went to millersville. i slept there and got a shower. in addition, i came to a new understanding... im ready to move on and past nick now. hes old news. he doesnt even care. anyways. kellie had insisted on taking two cars up there so i wasted alot of gas because she wanted to get fucked by chris. afterwards she had to just plain tell me EVERYTHING that happened. i mean, im happy for her and everything, but i was having problems while she was fucking this guy and having such "great connections". then she promised to take em twin kiss after dinner. rob called and started an arguement with her which made her depressed and "sick" feeling. therefore, she didnt want to go to twin kiss. i was kinda angry about that. i had to listen to her tell me the inside and outside and back of chris then hear her bitch abotu rob only to be fully rejected. fuck her.
also by the end of the night, i came to the conclusion: why not back off you a little. im moving too fast for you and i know it. ill just ruin the perfectness by pushing ahead too far. i decided that. kellie didnt care. merg. so i went to twin kiss, alone, and got myself a raspberry milkshake. sooo gewd. the calories though. i got a small one because of that. plus to save money. then i went to the theater to hand in some dates to shawn and get my work times. not to mention a certain someone was working... did i know that? of course not. lol! when i was there i found out that brent wasnt working, tyler wasnt working, adam wasnt working. fuck that night. and i have to stay 'til close!!! double fuck. i left movietown discouraged. i cursed myself for thinking so high, like he could like me. me of all people. im so dumb. i need to stop. i need to get away. i need to say fuck it. i need to not care. i want to be able to stuff those feelings away. pretend i ever had them. make them not exist. i guess im not strong enough. how are people who are like that, able to do that? how can an anerexic ignore her stomach's call? how can a person who got hurt so bad by the opposite sex just bag it all and never let anyone touch them again? how is it possible? i wish i was strong like that.
anyways. i have all this work i have to do for school. all of it involves the computer. all of which i am currently not doing. i tried three times to do it, but everytime i get onto the computer, it starts to thunder. not cool. so i was on the phone, talking to drew. the phoen somehow cut out then. i left it go. it rang soon after. i picked it, thinking it was drew. nope. adam. he wanted to talk. how sweet. i think. he was getting back from nyc. he wants to hang out this w/e so i can give him his lessons. dear lord. what am i getting myself into. i think i may hang out with him tomorrow though cause i need to not waste gas due to the fact i wasted it all today.
oh this weather sucks. its all rainey and crappy. yesterday was good. oh and i got online last night and saw the message brett left me: he if you want a ride, i need to know where you live. so get back to me on that" i was so pissed. i got it too late!!! so yeah.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 10 May :: 9.07pm
i had a txt convo with you:
me: "Wanna hang out today?" 4:19pm
you: "Im landscaping at the theater dont know when i will be done" 4:48pm
me: "ok someother day?" 4:53pm
you: "Maybe when i have off" 5:28pm
i didnt really expect you to answer me. i thought something else that would just go... unanswered. i really need to distance myself. im gonna destory something that shouldnt be touched.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 9 May :: 9.36pm
i went and played basketball today. well at least i attempted. it didnt work out too well. soccer, i can do. track, i can do. football, i can make a very good attmept. basketball, well, is just not my thing. shawn is nice. he probably likes me. last year, he threw me against a wall asking me out. it was so cute. i think thats the best way i got asked out. i didnt accept though. i had about five other offers that day. hes really cute and adorable and funny. hes got a few too many zits for me. underneith that he is gorgeous. i just dont think he would make good boyfriend material. i mean, hes sweet. today for instance, he helped me across the tiny creek. he does such sweet, innocent things that most guys should do. i dont think hes ever had a real girlfriend if you think about it. plus i dont think now is the right time. i mean, i want a boyfriend, but i dont think i should have one now with summer and college coming up.
adam still crosses my mind. i talked on the phone with him. we talked about random things. he is a very lusty boy though. i mentioned something about helping him improve his kissing skills, but im having second thoughts about that now. i dont know if i want to get myself into another... fwb situation. they are so hard to leave.
to top the night off, i waited to see if b.k. would txt me. he txt me last night: "what is the schedule like for the week? i am back for the summer" & "Cool i will be free late wednesday or thursday. sound good?" i told him i was free all week and i said ok to the sound good part. he has a motorcycle. what more must i say? i just cant figure out if he wants a friendship or more.
so the final story is:
-:0:- i think i may teach adam a few things, but cut it off at the end of summer
-:0:- i will keep shawn around as the sweet one, one who gives me hope in guys
-:0:- continue to attempt to diminish the crush i have on you
-:0:- try and figure out what the hell b.k. wants with me
-:0:- continue the whole thing i have with nicholas
damn. does this make me a whore? (no sex is involved) i just like having guys... lust after me?
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 11 May :: 8.41am
You Are A Walnut Tree |
You are strange and full of contrasts... the oddball of your group.
You are unrelenting and you have unlimited ambition.
Not always liked but always admired, you are more infamous than famous.
You are aggressive and spontaneous, and your reactions are often unexpected.
A jealous and passionate person, you are difficult in romantic relationships. |
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 8 May :: 9.36pm
:: Mood: not quite sure
so um, i kinda fooled around with adam. its not that i dont like you, its just im lonely. and adam, hes just a lust thing. he lusts after me and i after him. that is until today. hes a bad kisser! lol. he was very agressive and forceful. did i mention he was sloppy? lol! i know you would not be that way. instead you would be soft and gentle and a little awkward. i laugh just thinking about it. the scrubble on his face hurt mine. hes adorable, but i still like you. i just need to get away from you. not be obsessive. i will not become obsessed. i swear. iono. i just had to tell you that.
oh and another thing. i think that when you find that person, not only does your hand fit perfectly, but you fit perfectly as lovers. and that, wasnt tonight. almost disappointed, because i have been lusting, imagining what it would be like to kiss him. This makes me almost not want to kiss you or be friends with you cause it would only disappoint me. i like keeping the image i have u the way it is.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 7 May :: 9.58pm
sometimes, i am just too shy
i cant get you out of my head. plain and simple. seeing you drives me crazy, drives me wild. i think i may, actually, get the courage to hang out with you. maybe we can have some fun. maybe you will say yes. but i am deathly afraid youll say no. i can hear you saying no. i can see you exploiting me, holding my soul out bare for all to grab hungerly. They will tear me apart. i know you have that power. i can tell each time you make those smart lil marks. "stop flirting in concession" but is it the old clique that you are mean to the ones you like? you. only you, have i made fun of despite the fact i like you. i think i can cover up all the feelings i have of you just by being mean. sometimes we are nice. but its only when no one is around. i think of each lil thing. everyone and rip it apart, looking for some hidden meaning. something, anything to hint one way or another. i have at least part of you figured out, but the rest is a mystery. not only to me, but everyone else. dear emily telling me she cant even imagine you with another girl. she cant tell me wither or not it is even wise to try. but i think i might. maybe not this week with finals, but the next week. when you are free. maybe, just maybe we can spend some time together. i know we wouldnt be able to tell anybody. i know how dangerous that is, but ill gladly keep you a secret if i must. before anything, i want to at least be your friend. complete one step before the other. i want everything to go right this time. but i cant try now. no. its so wrong. i need to losen my grasp. i need to get away. i hope this week, apart, is the medication i need.
-- horoscope --
Luxuriate in your own emotions today as opulent Jupiter in your sign participates in a wonderful love fest. Your optimism can easily overflow and even be contagious; however something may be gnawing away at you from the inside. This negativity can be just a passing thought if you are willing to be flexible in your thinking. Once you know the source of your anxiety, you'll be able to easily move past it.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 7 May :: 1.08am
fuck. i was talking about you today and it was the wrong person to tell. fuck. i know you hate me. i know i dotn matter. but i have so much hope, that we could possibly, maybe end up together. i can see you being so sweet. i can see us togther, as a couple. im only mean to hide my true feelings, to make you give me attention, all the cliches... you drive me more insane cause you weave in and out of my thoughts when i only want you gone. i know i have no chance so i wanna give up. forget it, but i cant.
i picture us together. youre so sweet. i picture us holding hands and doing all that couples do. i can almost feel myself kissing your lips. my fingers running through your hair. feeling youre strong arms around me. i can imagine touching your chest. your breath by my ear. i can also imagine us fighting. you angerly slam your truck door and drive away, furciously swearing. but i can also see us making up. exchanging our "im sorry"s.
everything about you is so damn perfect. in fact, youre the first guy that i am actually shy about. i just wish we could be together. and it torments me that i cant in any way.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 5 May :: 1.50pm
:: Mood: optimistic
i think about the future more and more each day. I think of all the things i could see and be apart of. I cant wait to start everything a new. no one will know me. no one will expect anything. i can be all i want and no one will get in my way. i will be the quite, meek person ive always wanna be. i can eat lil and noone will think i am ill. no one will call me. no one will tell me so much hopingill care. i know so many people's dark secrets, but some days they seem so much. i dont wanna know. i wanna be surrounded by people, but untouched by them. dont want them to penitrate into my world. i need to concentrate on my studies. make me a life. a single, lonely life, but itll be soo less complicated.
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 1 April :: 10.58am
today was the first time in a long time that i looked you square in the eye. i saw the lashes that lined each one. it filled me with an overwhelming feeling that i cant put away. i want to hide this. i want to lock it away and forget about how much i would like to be with you. each day you grow more and more perfect in my eyes, but i know it will never be. and because you know and everyone else does too, you try to distance your self farther and farther away... i wont be able to stand it much longer...
One lump or two?
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jus4fun06
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2006 19 March :: 11.15am
I love you I love you
I love you I love you
….…I love you…….
…….I love you…….
…….I love you…….
I love you I love you
I love you I love you
I love you………….
I love you………….
I love you………….
I LOVE you …………
I love you I love you
I love you I love you
I love you I love you
….I love you I love you….
...I love you…...I love you..
..I love you……...I love you..
I love you………...I love you
..I love you……..I love you..
…I love you…...I love you..
….I love you I love you….
I love you………...I love you
.I love you…......I love you
…I love you….….I love you
….I love you…...I love you
…..I love you….I love you
……I love you I love you
I love you I love you
I love you I love you
I love you …………
I love you I love you
I love you I love you
I love you…………..
I love you I love you
I love you I love you
I love you……..I love you
…I love YOU…..I love you
…..I love you I love you…
………..I love you……….
………..I love you……….
………..I love you……….
………..I love you……….
….I love you I love you….
...I love you…...I love you..
..I love you……...I love you..
I love you………...I love you
..I love you……..I love you..
…I love you…...I love you..
….I love you I love you….
I love you……..I love you
I love you……..I love you
I love you……..I love you
I love you…..…I love you
..I love you….I love you..
…I love you I love you…
One lump or two?
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