So in this entry I hope to give you all an opportunity to delve into Jason's psyche... so here we go.

As I was driving home from class tonight, already on a short leash because I had forgotten to buy more parking tokens and instead had to shell out $7.60 for the evening... this on top of the $1.60 the damn vending machine ate when I tried to get a Lunchable earlier today at work makes out to damn near $10 down the drain for the day. After reading the rest of my journal entry, and my question is whether the extreme stress that arose because of mundane and insignificant situations such as these are warranted or not, or if I'm just nuts. Anyway, on with the story...

I got off the expressway at 44th St. and as soon as I did, a SUV also getting off speed past me, instantly resulting in mild irritation on my part. The driver wasn't doing anything really bad or wrong, nothing that I don't do myself on the road occasionaly, but my irritation rose as I read the car's bumper sticker: "Warning: In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned." Instantly, my irritation rose more as my stereotypes of religious nuts arose. You see, I don't have a problem with religious folks, I have a problem when such people feel the need to rub their condescending goddamn (pardon the pun, I had to...) views in your face, feeling so smug because they are... well, you know the rest. Anyway, up until this point, this is all an ordinary experience that anyone could face; I realize this. But here is where things take a proverbial turn (in my head anyway). As I do with every situation, as soon as I came to my conclusion, I began to doubt my competence and reasoning. I thought "Wait, am I really sure I know what rapture means?" Thinking this knowing full well I do know what it means, but allowing myself to doubt myself nonetheless. It's not that I don't have self-esteem, it's that I have to cover every single base, and then check them again. I have to stick around until my interior lights go out after I turn my car off, even if I'm sure that they will go off. Same thing with car locks. So then I begin to get down on myself because I'm doubting myself, windfalling into a whole inward spiel about how I need to calm down and relax, resigning myself to do so in the future. But as soon as the next agitation occurs, because of course I'm still agitated, regardless of my newfound sense... of whatever. Unable to deal with this new stimulus in the exact, specific way that I had planned on (i.e. it annoys the hell out of me when I told myself not to let it), it pushes me even farther in the opposite direction. And herein lays the paradox of what I've been facing lately. I've been high-strung because I'm so hard on myself, so I (and everyone else) tells me to relax and calm down, but to change this pattern requires me to once again pay intense focus on how I deal and how I react, once again leading me to be too hard on myself. It all goes 'round and 'round in a big freakin' insecure circle.

So this is where I'm at right now... I've calmed down a bit with South Park on in the background, but I know this is just going to creep back up the next time I am unable to keep afloat in this sea of stressors. What scares me so much is that I've always had this to a certain extent, but in the past few months it's gotten a lot worse, and I don't know what to do about it. I blamed it on school, and now that's done... so, I'm out. Any suggestions or advice? I'm listening. Spanks.

7 comments | leave a comment