A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Home For Grand Rapids
So, here's the short version if you are just browsing: got in my third, count 'em, third car accident a couple hours ago. This one was pretty bad. I actually consider myself really lucky that all I ended up with was a sore leg. I got off the downtown exit of 131, because the ones before it were closed, and I got disorienteted and turned around downtown and ended up on Park street. I already had a lot on my mind, wasn't having a particulary good day, and with the weather and all... well, I just plum missed that stop sign. Got sideswiped by not one, but two SUVs on the passenger side, and ended up on the curb of the opposite side of the road, the entire passenger side of the car completely caved in. Had someone been with me at the time, I'd be in the hospital waiting room right now I'm sure. Anyway, it was a mess, glass and all that everywhere, but like I said, I was uninjured and denied an ambulance. Tried calling a bunch of people, including my parents, but the first person I was able to get through to was Joe. Good choice, he's really came through for me today, as he always does. Anyway, cleared out the Cav and threw my stuff in Joe's Jimmy, and waited for my ticket. Got some slack from my Mom, she's been worried and on edge since I first called. And that about brings me to right now. Joe and I are going to go out in a bit and get me a rental car until I'm able to find something new.

I think what has been most interesting about the last few hours is my reaction. Granted, I will not deny I'm having a rough day, but so far, I've had an outlook on the situation that never would have been possible before. Whereas before, I would have gotten out of the car and saw my world coming to an end, my parents disowning me, me being a bother to everyone around me, etc. etc., I realized that these things happen. I do have still have a problem out on the road, and I thought that my winning battle with my self-ascribed OCD would have solved that, but nonetheless the cards have been dealt, and I can't change anything about it now. It'll all work out, just like it always has. I was glad that I was able to depend on the people around me for support and I didn't feel as though there was anything unique about what I was doing, what I was going through. You see, I've spend the couple months trying to demonstrate to you all that I'm fine, that I can cope, that I'm stronger than I've ever been, etc. etc. And I do believe that I've got the strongest backbone that I've ever had in my life, but at the same time I will not deny the stressors that still haunt me. I still miss Stefanie every day of my life, my dreams are still haunted, and I still must battle the elaborate constructs my issues have built for themselves. The medication has helped, but I still have to fight all of every minute of every day. I've tried to shield myself to everyone, to become an enigma, to portray an image in order to convince you all that I'm 100% A-OK. I've made it a sin to be weak. But it is not me. I won't hide my loneliness, I won't hide from who I am. Yet, still, I find it amazing who I am now... the fact that I can list the mood on this entry as "good" is a feat in of itself. I don't know if this year is going to turn around, but if it doesn't, that's ok. I'm prepared. I've never considered myself a fighter, but I know after today that I'm a survivor, that it takes a challenge to demonstrate my full potential.

So in the interest of self-disclosure... I offer myself back up to the audience. Here we go with a brand new season of "The Rock Show":

My biggest fear in life is being forgotten. So, please, love me or hate me, just don't forget me.

I love you all.

2 comments | leave a comment