sometimes, i have everything/yet i wish i felt something...
i don't know that i really accomplished anything with that confrontation... all i really did is back down from my adamant opinions at the first sign of confrontation. yeah, it was nice to get recognized for my what i've done, but it required me to make a complete hissy-fit about it before anything was said. i still think these problems are going to reoccur... and i'm left with a sour taste in my mouth and still questioning my ability to face my fears. i still may not be as comfortable with myself as i would lead myself to believe.

i've made a little mantra for myself now: if i think about something twice, it's one time too many. i need to just fly by the seat of pants and deal with the mistakes that i make. sounds like a weird goal for myself, but it's got to be better than what i've put myself through for so goddamn long now.

i'm sick of putting two things off... therapy and a tattoo. if i've been bothered about them for so long, it must mean that i really want them. it's almost a test of if i really can change, to complete these things. but who knows, i might do them and fall back into the same trappings of my own character flaws.

i just feel so trapped. and pessimistic. i'm starting to question if things are ever going to get better. i've told myself how much i've changed this year, and i look in the mirror and question where it's really gotten me.

but i'm sorry, this is just me being overdramatic again, isn't it? i should feel blessed for all that i have, right?

p.s. sorry the e.e. cummings-ish manor of this entry, i forgot to start the capitalization and then i just had to run with it...

Nine Inch Nails - Even Deeper
I woke up today
to find myself in the other place
with a trail of my footprints
from where I ran away
it seems everything I've heard
just might be true
and you know me
(well you think you do)
sometimes, I have everything-
yet I wish I felt something

do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have I become?
when i think I can overcome
it runs even deeper

and in a dream I'm a different me
with a perfect you
we fit perfectly
and for once in my life I feel complete-
and I still want to ruin it
afraid to look
as clear as day
this plan has long been underway

I hear them call
I cannot stay
the voice inviting me away

do you know how far this has gone?
just how damaged have I become?
when I think I can overcome
it runs even deeper
everything that matters is gone
all the hands of hope have withdrawn
could you try to help me hang on?
it runs...

I'm straight
I won't crack
on my way
and I can't turn back
I'm okay
I'm on track
on my way
and I can't turn back
I stayed
on this track
gone too far
and I can't come back
I stayed
on this track
lost my way
can't come back

p.p.s. sorry for the lyrics for the entire song, but it's my journal damnnit, so deal with it.

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