St. Robinson's Cadillac dream

:: 2002 31 May :: 9.07pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: taxi ride

left me here on a rainy day
today i got into crossroads. i got the packet. the packet was thick. i opened the packet. my heart raced- "we are pleased to inform you that...." the rest is history. but now i have an even bigger accomplishment ahead of me- figuring out which place would honestly be the BETTER for me. not for my mom or for elyse or for lillian or for my dad or for whoever.. for me.. and right now, i honestly can't decide. i honestly don't know, and that pisses people off when i tell them that. hell, it pisses me off that i don't know.. i don't know where i'll prosper, where i'll have more fun, where my friends and i will be more compatible.. i don't base my "happiness" on things like that. i base my happiness on how i feel when i sit outside the front of my house. here, i feel alone. completely alone. i came home early from a movie with my friends tonight. i came home at 8pm and the movie wasn't going to be over till at least 9:30. i couldn't be there anymore, i just couldn't sit in that movie theatre. Elyse made her sad face and say "bye love" and steph said "i'll call you" but i didn't respond. i needed to get out of there as fast as i could. i needed to run, or drive or something.
"i never told you half the truth. i'd always tiptoe through your room. i can't be sorry for what i've done, i couldn't spoil the fun, but now i'm counting down the days..."
i'm counting down the days till school's out, till i can see lowell again, see lillian again, see my dad again. i'm counting down the days until i have a firm decision in either staying or going and i feel ok about it. i can tell myself anyday "this feel's right" but it never does, and even when people ask "what do you WANT to do?" i know i should know that answer, but i never do. i want someone to tell me what i'm going to do and then i'll have no choice... i guess i feel like i need someone to blame if the choice i make doesn't feel like the right one in 6 months.
"here i am again... again... overwhelming feelings. miles and miles away... part of me is here, thoughts of what we were, in vain.. miles that stand between and seperate"

i need help.

:: 2002 18 May :: 8.52pm
:: Mood: angry
:: Music: john mayer- room for squares

am i living this right?
... one of the things i hate most in life, and in lowell, is unreliability.. in everything.. emotions, timing, plans, everything. i can never count on anything when it comes to him. at first, it was exciting and mysterious the way he reacted to things and the way i always had to think around him.. the way that i had to work to get him to set a date and times and stuff to hang out. now its just old, and boring, and i'm sick of saturday nights alone. saturday night used to be our night... it still is... but it always ends the same. him on his cell phone calling me telling me he has no ride, or his mom got mad at him and won't let him go, or any sort of excuse like that. after awhile i guess i'm pretty skeptical of all this. grrr. i just wish someone were here. i wanna take a walk.

:: 2002 18 May :: 3.36pm

10 Bands You've Seen Live:
1- ben harper
2- counting crows
3- rusted root
4- urge
5- ani difranco
6- string cheese incident
7- keller williams
8- rolling stones
9- csny
10- dave matthews

9 Things You're Looking Forward To:
1- bonnaroo!!!!!!
2- memorial day weekend
3- beer
4- figuring out which course then going on outward bound
5- freeing tibet
6- visiting my brother in colorado
7- friends coming home from college
8- sleep... if possible...
9- sun

8 Things You Wear Daily:
1- silver ring on thumb
2- deodorant
3- ponytail
4- skivvies... cK
5- pants
6- tshirt
7- chacos
8- badger balm/ chapstick of some kind

7 Things That Annoy You:
1- incesstant babble
2- klife
3- white people cant dance
4- driving behind someone going/under the speed limit
5- the word 'panties'
6- spilling coffee
7- little dogs

6 Things You Touch Every Day:
1- toms of maine toothpaste
2- burts bees citris facial scrub
3- laptop
4- plastic bag
5- backpack
6- doorknobs. lots.

5 Things You Do Every Day:
1- say, 'i'm tired' about 27 times
2- eat
3- drink
4- type
5- attempt to avoid reality

4 People You'd Want to Spend More Time With:
1- too
2- many
3- to
4- list

3 Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
1- braveheart
2- animal house
3- croupier

2 Of Your Favorite Songs At This Moment:
1- only
2- two?

1 Person You Could Spend the Rest of Your Life With:
1- ha. right.

:: 2002 17 May :: 12.12am

i dont understand education and american culture. one national news hour after another air 'special reports' on 'what your teen is really doing... ectasy... are they growing up too fast? are they over booked? whatever happened to family values?' and on... as we profess this crap, we note in medical journal after medical journal that kids are physically developing astoundingly younger and exceptionally faster than in the past... due to nutrition advances, etc. however, our educational system has yet to change. if all of this rapid development stuff is accurate, highschool lasts, at the very least, one year too long. most are just a few credits short of graduating after three years, and spend the fourth lamenting and getting into trouble for lack of stimulation. we complain our students are ignorant in terms of world awareness, and refuse to introduce forigen language until 6th or 7th grade. We groan that our students know nothing about history, and teach them- from the cradle- that the pilgrims and indians sat down to dinner together. while we are worried about our students being bored in class, which is a given regardless, we go through our entire education without really learning how to write a paper without switching tenses or using to-be verbs. we're so concerned about a student's self-esteem that we pass students to the next grade who are not prepared to do so; then the rest of the class, the teacher, and ultimately that student/s suffer more because more time is spent on discipline, backtracking, and learning how to use commas. this may sound unkind, but its just a system that i dont understand.

:: 2002 15 May :: 11.53pm

do actions really speak louder than words? because i've made choices for the sake of making the easier decision, even if it's not what I really intended- or i wanted to take the other road, but if it was the wrong way it was too hard to get back to what made me happier... which is difficult enough to come upon in the first place...

:: 2002 15 May :: 7.34pm

Which Lion King Character Are You?

Created by CrazyCoasterCo.

free tibet

:: 2002 15 May :: 4.24pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: tracy chapman

she's hot....

You are Claire
Danes!

You acted in cool movies like:

Brokedown Palace, Mod Squad, U Turn,

Little Women and Romeo + Juliet.

Take the "Which Hollywood Princess are you?"
quiz @ planetag.de

:: 2002 13 May :: 11.02pm

i dont care if its corny
"Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules. You can quote them. Disagree with them. Glorify or vilify them. But the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them
as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do." -Apple Computer
Advertisement

:: 2002 13 May :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: dashboard confessional- so impossible

this is where i say i've had enough....
seven things you can't do:

1. I can't: eat meat
2. I cannot wait till: next friday at 11
3. I can't stand my dad's: smoking, snoring
4. I can't stand my mom's: moodswings
5. I can't eat without: a napkin
6. I can't stand that: people lie to me and i don't know it
7. I can't wait much longer: this is a little repetitive, eh?

top seven songs people should listen to
1. your body is a wonderland- john mayer
2. lady madonna- the beatles
3. sara's song- g love and special sauce
4. imagine-john lennon
5. sha sha- ben kweller
6. this bitter pill- dashboard
7. the whole night - ani difranco

top seven things you say the most:
1. good call
2. no joke
3. i sigh a lot...
4. like (i feel so guilty)
5. alright
6. whats up
7. good plan

i find: money in the couch all the time
i want: well, lets see... rain, boys, comfortability (?), simplicity
i have: great friends
i wish: people weren't so unaccepting, homophobic, prejudice blahblah
i hate: a gray sky
i miss: certain people from my old school, my dad and brother
i fear: people who aren't who they say they are
i feel: like my back might break in half any second
i hear: birds outside my window, my fingers typing
i crave: food. i'm really hungry and theres nothing to eat here
i search: for.... hell i don't know. i find things without trying
i wonder: a lot
i regret: nothing really. maybe not saying certain things at certain times. kissing certain people when i should have.
i love: music, good questions with good answers
i ache: IN MY BACK
i long: didn't we already cover this like 5 times?
i care: too much about everything. not enough about what i should.
i am always: wanting to get people out of their comfort zone
i am not: cute
i foolishly believe: the grass is greener on the other side. or something

five favorite trips you have taken:
1. canoeing with alligators/climbing smokies/white water rafting
2. NC last year with lillian
3. outward bound last july
4. sweat lodge trip, 7th grade
5. wilderness, 6th grade

stuck in your head frequently:
1. lyrics of a song
2. something someone said
3. boys
4. i daydream a lot...

four things you'd like to learn:
1. to speak many languages
2. the secret of life
3. um. what else is there after the secret to life?
4. oh, how to play the guitar

four beverages you drink regularly:
1. diet pepsi
2. water
3. orange juice
4. orange soda

four tv shows that were on when you were a kid:
1. shining time station
2. sesame street
3. saved by the bell
4. full house
oh geez. i've always had awful taste in tv.

four places to go in your area:
1. movies
2. um, peoples houses
3. jp
4.

four things to do when you're bored:
1. sing.. talk...communicate
2. music, but not just when i'm bored. all the time.
3. make out
4. write

four things that never fail to cheer you up:
1. lillian, ben walker
2. noe venable
3. campouts
4. being outside in the rain..unless i'm by myself

about 20 years ago...
1. my brother was born
2. girls wore their hair enormous
3. so were the socks
4. it was 1982
i don't like this survey anymore

about ten years ago...
1. i was 5 and wore dresses and had long blonde hair
2. everyone was happier including my parents
3. my brother and i fought all the time, i had a babysitter named Joan

about 5 years ago...
1. i was 10
2. my parents got divorced
3. my mom still dressed me
4. i got a hairwrap... i snuck around school with nathan

about 2 years ago...
1. i was 13 and in stlouis
2. i had a secret relationship
3. dreads, concerts, weed
4. things weren't great

about one year ago:
1. i had really great friends
2. i was pretty much the same as i am now
3. i was getting ready to graduate tcs
4. i was always doing something on the weekends

Today...
1. i'm cold
2. and hungry
3. i really really really really really really want to go to pointfest
4. i think i'll call ben

:: 2002 12 May :: 1.46pm

i'm so tired of everything. i'm already indecisive... but with complete lack of will/intrest, it gets pushed over the top. I want to care, but i'm too tired, and i want to sleep, but i cant...
'the drugs dont work...
they just make it worse...
but i know i'll see your face again...'

walking around school, seeing kids excited about being there and seeing kids who put their whole life into their clique and seeing kids who are completely oblivious in terms of anything consisting of reality. not like lamenting changes anything or says anything that hasnt been said before... but hell...

1 freedom fighter | free tibet

:: 2002 8 May :: 2.59pm

i really dont understand war over religion at all. what is all the fighting about? who took whos land? what does that have to do with religion? that their imaginary friend/god/whoever told them that was where they were supposed to live? there are far too many isms and far too many definitions that we subscribe to and in turn alienate others and families and opprotunities... i think of k-life and feel sorry that those individuals are so concerned about living for someone else that they surrender and decision making power, because to make a choice would be to put oneself above god. if you are afraid/too ignorant/blind to realize your full potential, how will you help others and in turn not place yourself at highest value? do we associate ourselves so violently with groups for security? protection? actual belief? or what one thinks is a belief?

:: 2002 5 May :: 10.54pm

survey that i stole from kristins journal who stole it from emily's journal.. scandalous...
past
first grade teacher's name: dr. wilucki
last words you said: "yeah bye"
last song you sang: 'take me home' -cast iron filter
what's in your cd player: saul williams
what color socks are you wearing: none. my feet are always cold no matter if they are nekkid of not
what's under your bed: boxes of contents
what time did you wake up today: 7:45.. in justin pattons basement... trippy...

future
where do you want to go: everywhere
going to be: if i were to decide now it probably wouldnt be much fun
where are you going to live: at some point, italy
how many kids do you want: eww how can you know that already? that makes every girl/guy you date a possible procreator
what kind of car will you have: maybe they'll have more electric/fuel efficent cars by the time i get around to owning one. that would be swell.
current mood: tired
current music: charlie hunter
current taste: gum
current hair: more than one
current clothes: jeans, tank for sleepy time
current annoyance: insomnia
current smell: spring night wind
current longing: to be physically fit
current desktop picture: mountains
current favorite artist: alexander calder
current book: black boy
current colour of toenails: toenail color i guess
current worry: just one?...
current crush: romeo
current time-wasting wish: physical fitness as i sit here on my ass
1. what's the story behind your journal username? left of cool= awesome bela fleck cd/sticker stuck inside my cd case
2. name five of your favorite foods: vegetarian spring rolls from little saigon, strawberries, grilled cheese, starburst jellybeans, salmon
3. have you ever had a makeover? not to my knoweldge
4. name all members of the beatles. john paul george ringo.. wasnt there a fifth or someone else for awhile?
5. what's the longest time you've stayed out of the country/where? 10 days in london
6. one thing you're grateful for today: not feeling obligated to answer that worthless of a pseudo-deep question

:: 2002 5 May :: 8.10pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: none, i'm listening to the highway

last weekend, i had a good weekend, but saturday night ended up me making out with lowell in a tiny bed in abhi's basement. and i felt horrible. i did'nt know why. but later that week, i realized it... lowell hadn't talked to me from saturday till the following thursday, and only then because i wrote him an email telling him i need out. i didn't know what i needed out from. this binding contract of friends with benefits or all the bullshit that comes with being a friend of lowells. this tacit agreement saying i can't do anything else and he can do everything. do you know what i mean? well this weekend i hung out with some different guys (jon, nate, joe, brad, taylor, kevin) and i actually didn't think about lowell, except for when conversation died down or the 20 minutes from jon's baseball game to jon's house when it was quiet and the windows were rolled down and it was such a gorgeous day i wanted to cry. those were the only times. and i kicked myself because of those 2 times even though i'm doing a lot better.
i know i don't LIKE lowell, and i'm not lying when i say that either. i have some sort of emotional attatchment to him, that's it. some sort of attatchment because of the random physical encounters we have and the amount of sexual tension around when he's next to me and just... just the fact that he's one of the only reasons why i would even think to stay here next year instead of moving. lowell and elyse. two reasons, and this past week i've realized i am down to one reason and i don't know if i can manage to stay in a place for 3 more years for one and only one reason. Jon's a cool guy, joe's hot and sweet, but everything fades and i'm looked at as "lowell's girl" the girl that no guy touches, unless only to be friends, because i'm reticently HIS. i don't want that. i don't want that at all, unless i'm actually his. the only two people that don't think i'm his is lowell and i, and he hates that. he hates that people think about him when he's not around. he hates that he's the bad guy in all of this for using me and losing me, and i can't understand what he feels, i don't understand why he's stuck in 7th grade mode and can't get out of the immature tactics that i learned when i was 11 years old and sneaking around with nathan after school.
he's the only non-virgin in my class and feels good about that. he feels GOOD. i don't understand, and when i ask questions, he smiles like he knows i want him or something. i don't even want him anymore. my heart still flips when i see him, but only because i'm angry at him. only because he talks about me to jon and taylor, but then never talks to me. "we do different stuff during school, i don't see this as a problem"... that's what he always says when i bring it up. everything is so not a problem with him. everythings fine... everything he has down perfectly...

everybody is
just a stranger
but that's the danger
of going my own way
i guess it's the price
i have to pay

still everything happens
for a reason
but theres no reason
not to ask myself
if i'm living it right...

i'm sick of thinking about lowell, sticking up for lowell when the only reason i do it is because of the emotional attatchment. the physical shit that i don't want to give up.

that's why i was angry this past week.. jon told me on the phone last monday night that lowell, whenever asked if he "got on me" over the week had sad "no... who would get on her?" .... even though he had gotten on me, and made the move, and everything... and i never brought that up to lowell like i would have in past weeks. i didn't want the confrontation and i didn't want him to deny it like i'm 110% sure he would have... but once i thought about it more i wondered if jon was actulaly telling the truth or not. it was jon who came on to me first on saturday and it was i who pushed him away and ran to lowell. jon does have a girlfriend but a crappy one who doesn't give him any attention. am i just a character in this whole scene jon's trying to create? did he want me to get angry, and hold my wrath in till it grew and grew and grew and lowell.. being the unsuspecting guy that he is, not even realizing how much i'm burning inside at him... how much i never want to see him anymore this past week. how much i'm sick of always being the one to come to him first... so sick of being asked about him... so sick of having to say "don't say lowell's gay... don't say lowell's gay... don't say lowell's gay...." .... i'm SICK with him. lowell doesn't even know anything. he thinks i'm worried about my moving decision. he thinks i'm busy with this history project and tests and finals in 8 days. he thinks i'm just stressed out. he thinks too much... he's wrong.
i called him yesterady. called his cell phone to invite him to this guy's house to swim. made the effort. dialed his number... 418 6464... dialed it twice, but no one picked up and the second time, i left a message, but regretted it afterwards because i knew later, lowell would listen to that message, hear my voice.. and he would know he won. know that i'm the one coming to him. know that if he retreated, i'd be right there to fill up the space. i'm sick of filling up voids. i have voids too!

damn baby
you frustrate me
but i know you're mine...
all mine all mine....
but you look so good
it hurts
sometimes...

i've gotta go. i need to stop writing about all this. next weekend i have to go to cape girardeau ALL weekend to see my brother graduate and i am so pissed that i have to go.. it's finals weekend and i'm going to be 100% more stressed out than if i could just stay here and study. i'm going to be in and out of cars, restaurants, dresses, planes, and i'll have no time to focus and study and then finals on tuesday, for 4 days straight.. stress upon more stress.. and the next weekend is tcs graduation and i'll be there, but then right afterwards my mom and i have to drive back here to get here by 7:30 am the next morning so i can leave on the stratford trip with my school to drive 12 more hours to canada to watch 4 plays and be back by monday. OH. i just want to lay down and sleep and roll over and cuddle and sleep some more and eat and not worry about anything. i want to be 6 again. just make me a red cape.. i wanna be superman...

:: 2002 5 May :: 4.13pm

the breeze coming in through my windows is perfect, if such a thing exists. someone once tried to argue to me that there were such a thing as a perfect circle, because an 'imperfect circle' could no longer fall into the definition of 'circle'.. i guess its a good point, but that's just a conjecture...

i dont know how i feel about last night... my fun was limited due to the low tolerance of others. and the days go by like broken records.