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2002 2 May :: 4.40pm
:: Mood: confused
:: Music: none.. it's not a day for music
i don't know how i can go from one end of the sprectrum, in my thinking, to the other end and back again in the course of 7 days. i don't think this is that natural, and i definately don't like it. i feel like i'm losing touch with the people that mean something to me...anything.. which isn't that many people.. and i don't know how to regain it. there's something to be said about every little thing, but right now, there are no words for how i'm feeling. i'm this and i'm that and i'm crazy and i'm stable, but there's no one sentence that could come near describing to you what's going on. the most peace i've felt in 6 days, is a couple days ago on the tennis courts. freezing my ass off with rosie, and just playing... in the middle of school, just taking off time to do something i like... not something lowell's doing or something i should be doing. something i ACTUALLY enjoy. funny how that works.. the things i love most in life have slipped so far away from me since i moved here. talking to friends face to face all night, swimming, good friendships, relationships, writing, taking pictures, just being alone... even when i'm alone with myself i feel some sort of outside burden that's telling me exactly what i should be doing.... i just need a break.
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leftofcool
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2002 1 May :: 7.47pm
:: Mood: indescribable
Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.
-Sir Cecil Beaton
1 freedom fighter |
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2002 28 April :: 5.12pm
:: Mood: listless
:: Music: Joni Mitchell
"i'd like to call back summer time, have her stay... for just another month or so." -JM
i can't wait for summer and last night felt like the three warmest months of the year. Once the space between two bodies can be closed (awkwardly, but completely) there's something inside of me that bursts... i hadn't felt such passion until last night. such warmth. such hope for future nights. even if it only lasted for minutes, for a few hours, it was enough warmth to fill a couple more weeks. until the next time two bodies can meet, hold each other, experience... i had never felt such passion...
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2002 22 April :: 6.59pm
:: Mood: cold
:: Music: john mayer... what else these days? i'm in love
Lesley...
you're right, but how? when? where? i never see her and i don't feel comfortable doing it on the phone... grr. i'm not used to this type of thing. being the first one to lose interest or find something else, if you will. ideas would be helpful...
1 freedom fighter |
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2002 21 April :: 5.14pm
:: Mood: blank
:: Music: john mayer- room for squares
i am invincible, as long as i'm alive...
i don't think the way my head is spinning is natural... its never done this before. when i focus on the screen as i type, my vision blurs and shifts from left to right voluntarily. i feel like i'm shaking my head really really fast, but all i'm moving in my fingertips. "4 more exits to my apartment but i am tempted to keep the car and drive... and leave it all behind"
anyway.. i went to the library today with elyse and katie but lowell just "happened" to be there also working on the infamous World History project thats due next week. we talked for 20 minutes and he had to go... but something was definately missing.. i couldn't quite tell what it was, but its definately not there anymore.
what the hell is wrong with my head?
2 freedom fighters |
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2002 20 April :: 1.32pm
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: john mayer- room for squares
crawl on out
"the tv is your windowpane... it won't let you down..." but i will.
this is wierd. i feel like i'm writing an email, but everyone can see it.. i'm trying to bang something out to see how it feels, but running on 3 hours of sleep -on a hard floor at that- isn't helping the brain or the body.
but rain is on the mind... lots of rain last night here. DOWNPOUR of rain. a monsoon of warm droplets.. we got on our swimsuits and ran and danced and yelled and slid and skipped and laid and talked in the rain..and i only thought about L maybe once or twice. he stopped by but like always we looked at each other without words and he talked to lisa and i changed into dry clothes and when i came back, he was gone. but i wasn't as disappointed as i thought i would have been.
i was busy being into donny anyway.
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LeftOfCool
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2002 16 April :: 9.18pm
:: Mood: depressed
testing... testing...
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