imation
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2004 17 June :: 6.05pm
dark sunglasses
this is looming
i want it as is
but this shadow
is towering
shutting out all light
from the sun.
in my place
i am lost
crossed lines showing me i have no straight line
how long must i wait for you?
scared...tired..underprepared
if you go and leave me down here on my own
will i wait for you?
please come back
sing to me...
i cannot erase these lines.
jagged....
im losing my love for this
i'm losing all respect for me and myself tonight
free tibet
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imation
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2004 17 June :: 6.01pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: leaky faucet
pulled me over with a bang bang
There's a bad omen in the air right now
a funny smell
i cannot
i should not
be here
i'll leave salt in your shower
and hairs in your bed
you'll come home to find
that i have gone
my smell lingers
there is something different
in the atmosphere.
a fading gold aura....
what really happened?
what did you do?
what was the connection?
why is it such a big deal?
are you lying?
are you guilty?
did you kiss her?
did she kiss you?
did she try?
did you ever feel uncomfortable?
shuld you tell me something?
am i right to cry?
am i right to be terrified/suspicious?
was it a coincidence?
did it ever cross your mind to be with her?
did you ever think about her that night?
did you get butterflies at the prospects?
i need to be free of this
i need something more
what can i do next year with myself....
i do not feel like i can handle this
i have said i cannot but i think we both know
that i will not end this
i cannot
i am pathetic.
i don't know what to do anymore...
i feel like there are a lot of secrets between us
we can talk about it when you get here
we can?
will it end the same way it always does?
i need out of this.
free tibet
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imation
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2004 17 June :: 3.13am
:: Mood: sad
to be crazy like me
blood pumps
through
my house of bone
my tomb...
my glass shelter.
i need to escape.
constantly waiting
for when I can start
... Has my life already
slipped by?
liquid seeping out
the corners
dried and cracked
leaky
the faucet in my bathroom
reveals my face
distorted, blurried
i do not even recognize
this face
water splashes
water spots away
my blood drains
red to white
in the shiny silver.
i am not alive.
i cannot be
this is not what life is
i have drained this life
once drained
forever stained
with heartache
my eyes burn
with self-deprication
self-hatred
only because i let you
make mistakes
over and over
and
i'm out
of solutions.
i'm out of the answers
to make you stop crying
i cannot convince you
ever again
that this is what I want.
Yes..
the same things uttered
the same stale statements
tepid similes
and washed out metaphors
you love me like
i love you like
water hits the basin like
the sun goes down like
you give up.
No...
i cannot give you
one more benefit of a doubt
i cannot show you
what i feel
it is only mine-
I don't even want you
to know.
we speak to each other
vaguely
so later we can say
"oh sorry, you misunderstood."
i prepare myself
in so many ways
to feel better when you
let me
down.
always aware
that it is imminent
innate.
intrinsic.
but i am IRRATE
this is you at your finest
the short goodbyes
cannot tell me enough
that we are so far
from where I thought we were.
"do not cry over the things
you cannot change"
-but you make believe
everything is out of your hands.
i will not cry
god, grant me the serenity
when you do not ridicule
to accept the things I cannot change
i will not walk away
the courage to change the things i can
when you tell me you are wrong
and the wisdom to know the difference
i cannot make anymore excuses.
1 freedom fighter |
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 16 June :: 3.06pm
he is different now. i know we both are, but i cant understand how it happened... other than that he really wants to be with her, and it kind of kills me... i only wanted one more summer with my best friend; it will probably be the last.
1 freedom fighter |
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 8 June :: 8.12am
this love has taken its toll on me
last day in chicago! i have a shitload to do... id make a list to amaze you but it would probably bore you more so i will pass. i woke up at 5am and did some homework... our room smells like puke because, well, my roommate tried to puke in the trashcan last night and missed. that is the second time that my right chaco has been puked on. what the hell? puke is the worst smell. i will not miss her inability to hold her liquor. only one more shower and shave in the effen community bathrooms. one more night in this room... tomorrow, a whirlwind. 8-11 math exam. 12-2:45 religion exam. 3:20 train leaves.
she broke up with him and he called me crying. i wanted to reference that i knew how awful it felt because he did the same thing to me last july, but i was civil. ... 'ill never learn to laugh at it in my good-natured way'.... what am i supposed to say? can i come hold your hand and listen to you tell me how you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her? haaaaaaaaaaa "I STILL THINK OF YOU AS MY BOYFRIEND, I DONT THINK THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD... BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD FOLLOW MY EXAMPLE AND GO MEET YOURSELF A REALLY NICE GIRL..."
1 freedom fighter |
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 5 June :: 7.07pm
tonight jack and i are getting drunk and going to the top of the hancock building
Edgar Allen Poe
(18091849)
Alone
From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were I have not seen
As others saw I could not bring
My passions from a common spring
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone
And all I lov'd I lov'd alone
Then in my childhood in the dawn
Of a most stormy life was drawn
From ev'ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still
From the torrent, or the fountain
From the red cliff of the mountain
From the sun that 'round me roll'd
In its autumn tint of gold
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass'd me flying by
From the thunder, and the storm
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view
free tibet
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daydream
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2004 5 June :: 4.19am
:: Music: private eye-alkaline trio
happy birthday to me...
so today's the day. the big 1-6. this new age was welcomed with angry phone conversatons and tear-filled eyes. i swear, sometimes i don't think my stupidity will ever cease to amaze me. i should have known better. i never do, but i always should. hopefully tomorrow will be better. going to pointfest, which is always a plus. lets just hope i'll be able to actually enjoy it.
1 freedom fighter |
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 31 May :: 7.26pm
man i have so much i want to do, so many places i want to go. im in my wandering, i dont give a fuck stage. i just talked to sophie and that is the quickest way to solidify that attitude... shes out in LA. i want to visit her, graham in humboldt (he said he'd teach me to surf), erin in boston, my bro in colorado, my mom wants me to go to cincinnati with her. not to mention linds at mizzou, wolf and aaron in springfield, and lammers in flagstaff. i just need to tour the country until i leave for mexico if that pans out. i need to work like its my job, i need to get in shape (i am disgusting). im ready to get the fuck out of chicago. i get back wed the 9th.
"I have struck a city- a real city- and they call it Chicago. I urgently desire never to see it again... It is inhabited by savages." -Rudyard Kipling, 1891
1 freedom fighter |
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 30 May :: 10.49pm
read me like an open book...
lesley is the #612 most common female name. 0.019% of females in the US are named lesley. Around 24225 US females are named lesley! source namestatistics.com
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 30 May :: 10.18pm
:: Music: i'll lick my wounds... could you pass the salt?
just back from dinner at duck walk with kristan and jackus... there are several beautiful things i will miss about chicago... one of which is going to duck walk with a giant bottle of wine and eating with great friends.
trying to figure out the chicago/nols shit is not easy. dealing with jon is not as easy as yer mom.
last night i went to a bar (kelly's) with erin and julie at about 11:30... at 10 this morning erin was knocking on my door asking for ramen and a hangover cure. i suggested to keep drinking but she didnt take that to heart.
additionally, im reading another bukowski. so far i have read 'play the piano drunk like a percussion instrument until the fingers begin to bleed a bit', 'hot water music', 'love is a dog from hell', and 'you get so alone at times it just makes sense'. damn- the titles of all his books could sum up my life. anyway, im reading 'women' now and it is infuckingcredible. so far my favorite line(s) is(are)...
"glendoline pulled up a chair and started talking. she could talk. if she was a sphinx she could have talked. i wondered when she'd get tired and leave. even after i stopped listening it was like being battered with tiny pingpong balls."
the other night when i was shroomin with jack, i decided that i immediately needed a piece of paper ( i always have a writing implement. my dad says 'a good salesman always has a pen') and i wrote "... and there is a beautiful boy with dark hair and shy eyes playing the guitar for a girl that wants him in her life without consequence, and her boyfriend moves next to her on the couch sending his own exchange of energy..." its a sad story, watching it all unfold. anyway, at the time it was extraordinarly profound. funny how that works. i need to get home, i need a job, and if only jackie liked me back again. man she is gorgeous.
free tibet
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daydream
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2004 27 May :: 1.49am
:: Music: living in your letters-dash
i'm pretty sure i experienced every emotion known to mankind tonight. it all happened ridiculously fast too. "relationship" drama is the absolute worst and it decided to hit me all at once, and from every angle today. i was minding my own business, and very happily watching the get up kids play an amazing set and boom. it happened. one of those damn text messages that i'm disgustingly addicted to pops up on my phone from joe saying "so i heard anthony cheated on his girlfriend." he was apparently talking to lizz and they decided that since anthony and i hang out so much we must be messing around as well. and of course joe had to mention something about how i'm the person everyone's with when they wanna cheat on their girlfriends, and i don't mind because i'm such a shallow person. yep, that's me...completely heartless and a huge slut, let me tell you. people just make me want to shoot things sometimes. i didn't reply back in the nicest of ways, so i think he's a little mad at me. but whatever, he's over there telling me how shallow i am and whatnot. he's a big boy, he can take a little girl's sharp tongue. all this is happening while thrice played, which was ok because i'm not a huge thrice fan, but the angry yelling in the background helped the angry mood i was in , let me tell you. until i sat in gum and got it all over my new jeans, then i just kinda wanted to cry. but all was well when dash took the stage. all will always be well when that man sings. good god, what a voice. i suppose it was an ok night. kind of angry, but really chilled out at the same time. don't ask how those are both possible at the same time, but they are. trust me.
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 24 May :: 4.42pm
oh mexico
It sounds so sweet with the sun sinking low
Moons so bright like to light up the night
Make everything all right
I got into the NOLS semester in Baja. now I just have to see if DePaul can do anything with the random ass credits I would get. If not, unfortunately i have to rescind. College is raping my bank account....
1 freedom fighter |
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 21 May :: 7.52pm
i think im cured in fact im sure thank you stranger for your theraputic smile
running in torrential rain despite the flood warnings. i stepped into a couple puddles which turned out to be small rivers or potholes that turned into small lakes while wearing chacos, pants entirely saturated. then i bought a bottle of whiskey. i got in a cab that hydroplaned several times then went to an open mic night and just laughed at how soaked we were and how i hadnt done shit like this in a long time. afterwords i went to missys apartment where we made drinks... then her roommate got me to do yoga with him which im not sure was the best combination at the time but entertaining nonetheless. i think at one point i had him hold my ankle to maintin my leg position while i bent over to reach my glass. it was a night that just felt good.
free tibet
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leftofcool
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2004 20 May :: 1.38am
i cant wait to get to be back in my room at home where THANK GOD there isnt a t.v. i am so fucking sick of the damn tv being on allllll the time. incesstant NOISE. make it stop.
free tibet
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daydream
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2004 17 May :: 6.20pm
:: Music: konstantine-something corporate
well i'm still alive...always a plus. last week of school before finals...even better. tho this is hell week, i'm glad it's almost summer. some pretty good concerts are coming through ol' stl. i do however need money to go to these concerts, and lots of it. so if anyone would like to make a contribution to the "send allie to good concerts fund" please, drop me a post. it will be greatly appreciated.
free tibet
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