i am the walrus, coo coo cachoo.
i'm pretty sure time stands still, but only when you want it to the least. the absolute least, and you can't do a thing about it. things are strange around here. i feel like the people i've known and consider my friends aren't the same people anymore. i'm growing further away from friends i never thought i could live without and it doesn't make me as sad as it should. i feel like i've grown up a lot this year. which shouldn't be the case at all, because i've made some of the most childish and stupid decisions a person could make in one year. i keep getting angry at stupid little things that i probably wouldn't have ever noticed before. more and more fights and arguments are happening and i really don't like it. no one needs an added dose of hostility, but lately i've been completely willing to dish it out. tommy and i had a bit of a disagreement last night, and it felt so good to yell at him and tell him exactly how i felt. lizz always tells me how i shouldn't hold things in and blah blah. it's just how i like to deal with things, on my own. but lately i just want to scream at the world and tell every person that's ever hurt me how much i resent them.
i've been looking through old journals a lot lately. remembering people i haven't talked to in ages. i found my 7th grade tcs year book and couldn't decide if i wanted to laugh or cry. that year was just...not one i will ever forget, that's for sure. 7th grade, that's so young. i was 12 in the 7th grade and thought i was ready to move out of the house and take the world head on. that year i decided to grow up. i did it much too quickly. i try not to regret things i've done because at one point it's what i wanted. but i do regret NOT doing things. that's for damn sure. i suppose everyone has a year like that. has memories and mistakes they'll never forget. i always dismiss it as just being part of growing up, but i'm pretty sure there's more to it. much more.
i went up to tcs friday. i hate to admit how much i love that place, but it's changing for the absolute worst. i told sarah webster so, and she just nodded. in this horribly sad agreeing manner. i always half expect andrew to come bounding down the hallway, high-fiving everyone in sight and giving out those perfect andrew hugs and smiles. i know he won't be there, but i always wish he would be. i keep walking down the hall and david, travis, ryan and max should be sitting there on the couches being the stupid boys i loved to hate and find myself missing more then i should. i never thought i had problems with getting attached to people. i've moved around too much to have problems with things like that. but things are strange lately, kind of muted and it's been decided that time stands still so i suppose i'm allowed to miss and think about tcs. but only for the time being, being a time dweller is bad news. not something i want to be.
i just re-read what i've written so far and realized how many times i've tried to justify my need to reminisce over "old times". i can't wait until summer gets here. i miss long nights with sarah and lillian. i'm the most comfortable around those two ladies, and i absolutely love them for it. i don't even know how many times we've run up to ted drews at 11 o'clock at night because we HAD to have some ice cream RIGHT THEN. and you have to get the biggest cup and eat it all. how many times we walked to that little park by lil's house and played on the swings or walked around the lake. the hours we'd spend in the loop just not caring about a thing. i miss waking up in the morning, or afternoon as it usually is, and having my only worry be if i have clean clothes to put on. which isn't even a big worry because we never wear our own clothes anyway. why is it that wearing other people's clothes is always so much better then wearing your own?
i miss waking up next to people every day. i miss that a lot. sleeping next to someone just makes me feel so safe. i haven't had that sense of security in too long of a time. i'm hoping to go see sarah at the end of may/beginning of june. i think she's what i miss the most. she is my official summer ray and always will be. last summer was ridiculously lonely without her. last summer just wasn't...right. it wasn't how it should have been. a lot happened tho. things i wish hadn't and things that i'm glad did. kind of how anything else goes i guess. i don't entirely know why things felt so empty, but i do know i'm not going to let it happen again. i'll have a car in two months which will make things much easier. i hate being so young.
i've rambled on for what seems like ever, but i just feel like i have so much more to get out of my system. so many things i've always wanted and needed to say to people but just never could. or more that i was too scared to tell them the truth. i promised myself when i was a little girl that i would never be the girl that let people walk over them. i would never be the girl that would take the bullshit that was fed to her. i made that promise and i had every intention of keeping it. but i broke it. i had cracked it before, but this year was the shattering point. i promised i would never be as weak as my mother was around my father. but i am my mother. just much more sarcastic and less "lady-like". i'm not sure what i think about that. not sure at all.
i told this boy i liked him the other day. thought i'd turn over a new leaf and become brave and allow people to know some of my feelings. what a stupid idea. whoever said that it was good idea to tell a 17 year old boy you like them deserves to be shot. we're still friends and all, he just didn't show any sign of interest. not in me atleast. oh well, other fish in the sea i suppose.

now that i've written a novel for you all i think it's really time for bed. till' then.

"I have an ancient Indian crucifix around my neck
My chest is hard and brown
Lying on stained, wretched sheets with a bleeding virgin
We could plan a murder
Or start a religion."

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