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teenybeany
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2007 18 April :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: whatevs
Dedicated to: love today
Isn't it amazing how you can walk by a complete stranger, have a complete stranger check out your library book for you, have a complete stranger pick up a dropped coin for you.... and they might not be a complete stranger? You probably have so much in common with them, you don't even realize how much. You might be best friends with someone that is a friend's sister's boyfriend's dog sitter's cousin's nephew of theirs. You may love the same song at the time or be anticipating the same thing as them at the time.
It's amazing. You just don't realize. We don't realize a lot of things.
Until they've happened. Good or bad. Usually bad. And then we take action. Isn't it such bullshit? Why does something have to go wrong for our eyes to be opened? For precautions to be taken. For affections to be announced. For security to be questioned?
If something can be prevented, why don't we prevent it? It's like when you're young and deep down inside you know climbing that tree is dangerous and you can fall and break your arm but you do it anyway and you fall and you break your arm. And then the tree house gets taken down. And then your mom worries about you a lot more and doesn't let you play outside as much. And the pattern goes on.
The world is just a place full of children.
banana
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teenybeany
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2007 3 April :: 1.32am
:: Mood: toot
Dedicated to: egypt jesus whatevs
today i told francesca about a slight study-group dilemma i have, and she said: put yourself first. will you benefit from this study group? and i said: yes. and she said: then go.
i don't like putting myself first, because that could potentially mean that others will be unhappy. unhappy with me.. perhaps? unhappy with the situation.. maybe.
i just don't like feeling responsible for people having bad feelings when i didn't mean for them to. so i like to do what will make others happy before what will make me happy.
i wonder what my life will be like if i start putting my happiness first.
it's funny how i just wrote all that about other people and yet i started three paragraphs in a row with I. sometimes it's just hard to get away from yourself.
but sometimes, you have to put yourself first.
banana
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teenybeany
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2007 1 April :: 11.10pm
Dedicated to: sharks
i cannot wait for summer.
i am counting down.
this summer, i will be in new jersey for the first summer in a few summers.
what i will be doing, i am not sure yet.
but i cannot wait for that summer time.
+ being away from providence
+ this year being over
+ being away from bad feelings
+ sunshine
+ friends
+ sand
+ tan
+ green grass
+ new stories
+ old stories
+ driving
+ sunrise
+ sunset
+ sunglasses
+ lunch in the sun
+ sun is the pattern here
+ no stressful homework
+ home
+ momma's meals
+ nu yo'k
+ your face
+ fun
- being away from my friends here
- that's about it
banana
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teenybeany
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2007 12 March :: 1.06am
:: Mood: apathetic
Dedicated to: sunsunsun
i deleted my facebook a few weeks ago and it still feels good. i don't know why but i just like knowing that i'm no longer apart of a stupid condensed online world. this doesn't mean i won't ever be returning to the stupid condensed online world but it does mean that i've had enough for now. i didn't enjoy the idea of knowing that someone could look me up and find me. gross.
instead i choose to pour out my feelings thoughts and ideas in this stupid condensed online world. great!
lately i have been very apathetic. so apathetic, to the point of.. bad. yesterday i woke up at 1 pm, took a shower, got semi dressed, and then went back to bed for two hours until i was woken up at 5 30 pm. today i woke up at 2 pm (oh daylight savings time you silly) and then fell back asleep at 5 30 pm and woke up at 7 30 pm. the first thing i did when i woke up after my nap was peek out through my blinds to not surprisingly be dissapointed to see the dark, rather than sunlight.
lately i have been depending on sunlight so much. it's what makes me happy. and makes me feel like the day is promising. and when i see the sun going down, it's so beautiful but so sad, because i know that what comes after is darkness. and time to work. and time to sleep. and then its the same routine the next day. and the next. the next. the next..
one of my biggest pet peeves is falling asleep when it's bright out and then waking up when it's dark out. i feel like the day is wasted, which it probably is, but mother nature, you don't have to rub it in my face.
i love daylight savings day and i know it's the weirdest thing. it's just that on this day every year when i lived at home, my dad would always go around the house and change every single clock in the morning. it's just something that he always never forgot to do every year, and that's probably why i like it so much. because it was consistency. and it was comfortable.
lately i am realizing how being comfortable is so important to me. i haven't been wanting to go to parties much because i don't always feel comfortable. i enjoy hanging around elisa a lot because i feel really comfortable around her. i love being in bed because i am phsyically comfortable. and i am everlastingly upset deep down inside because the person i felt most comfortable with.. i no longer have like i used to.
i have all these dried roses and i don't know what to do with them and throwing them out is not an option.
on a brighter note. spring i think has sprung! welcome welcome spring. it's glad to have you back.
school is over in three months. this year was faster than last year. i can't wait for the end of school. i've had enough of this year. i had enough in september! i can't wait for summer. for the weather. the smell. the people. the places. the love. so much love.
have a good day.
--edit
I forgot to mention something. After i woke up from my nap, i did nothing and then finally decided to start some work. and then after i started some work for a tiny bit, i started watching music videos. which led me to watch britney's old videos. and i miss her so much. i didn't realize how many videos she made. and how many singles she put out. and how great she was. i still believe she will have the ultimate come back. she has to. or else life has no meaning. and it doesn't even matter if it's sunny out or not. she has to!
banana
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teenybeany
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2007 27 February :: 1.14am
:: Mood: huh?
Dedicated to: mute.louder.mute.
it is odd because i cannot write like i used to. i can no longer be stupidly poetic. nor rant. nor contemplate. nor drop bombs of wisdom.
like i used to.
maybe it is because i have become self conscious on here because it is my resurrection and i feel like it has to be just as good, or even better (!), than what it was before.
well i cannot gaurantee anything. the best i can say is:
merry christmas to all. and to all a good night.
i really want to write a book. an autobiography. i even know what i would title it. the question is. when would i write it? and, who would actually read it? and, why? and, would it be a waste of time to write? and, a waste of time for you to read?
i don't think my life is one of great tradgedy nor lust nor hope nor wisdom, but i just think i have a lot of secrets and if i don't unveil them sometime, then what wil happen to my brain and heart and feelings? i don't want to combust, you know?
we'll see.
by the way, LHB, i think you're the only one who reads this because you're the only one i notified.
banana
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