*!Lifeless Living Is Worse Than Destined Death; So Savor The Souls Of Those With Out Hope, And Help Those Who Dream To Cope... Jordan Mackenzie Porter/Loye, November 26, 2003!*
all in all not the worst weekend ever. bowling was great. the whole DD thing kind of killed the mood for me, but at the same time provided a new perspective onto the intoxicated times had.
moped around yesterday and today. Boo to that.
it's about a negative four degrees farenheit here. cheers.
I need a map of your head, translate it into english so I can learn to not make you frown
feel better if you vent? put your frustrations into four letter words.
Your communication skills are improving kevin-san, just take a chill pill and enjoy the moment.
So, I have all the pieces I could possibly need, but I'm still not seeing how they all come together to form that picture of a kitten. This stresses me out.
So every knows I'm in the habit of saying things that get me in trouble. Well watch this, and wait and see what Jeff Ross says to Courtney Love. I've never been a fan of Kurt Cobain, but damn.
My thought process.
How the heck can I like him?????????? Seriously. I'm a weirdo. I knew it wouldn't work out into anything in the beginning. I believed it, I knew it, I didn't let myself get too attatched... or so I thought. And now I'm jealous. I'm jealous of another girl even though I encouraged him... I was his friend... I was "happy" for him. I'm an idiot. But I still have to know nothing can happen. It would be too complicated, wouldn't it?? It would never work... I think. No, I know. I know it wouldn't work. But what if it did... what if it worked really well?? Because it could... maybe. No... no I'm just wishful thinking.
But what if it could? What if it was perfect? He's amazing. I know he is. He'd be worth the trouble. He's not even close to what I imagined would be my next 'guy'. He's different. Really different. And he has a brain... and isn't too dramatic. He's normal, he's cool, he's mature.... well usually. But it's never gonna' happen. We're never gonna' happen. I just need to get that through my head.
::
2007 19 August :: 1.35am
:: Music: Regina Spektor
Fotografia, Uniwersytet, Spac.
I never realized how uncomfortable this little box is to type in. It's shoved to the bottom left corner and no more than an inch and half high. The white background is pretty depressing too. I guess it's the perfect atmosphere for sappy Internet blogging.
There are a lot of things I want to do with my life. I wonder about if I'm doing them. I feel like I'm trying hard, but not making it very far. Why am I going to Alma College? I have proved that I'm a city person. I'm a street photographer. I'm going to a school with an excellent photography program.. but the school is in the middle of nowhere. In the middle of Michigan, to be exact. Not that Michigan is nothing. I have grown very fond of my state over the last year. But after living a year in Warsaw, I simply won't survive long in a small town.
It's money. It's all about money. If I had money I would drop Alma and go to study at Griffith University in Brisbane, Australia. If I had money I would buy a decent camera and photoshop. I don't have a camera right now. Can you believe that? I have this feeling of hopelessness without it.. this nothingless. When I was in the UP this weekend, my camera broke. I can't afford a new one. I want a nice one though, not just another digital camera every tourist or mom has. Sometimes I wonder who I'm kidding though. I don't know a damn thing about photoshop, about aperature or other camera technicalities. I feel like I know little more than the average photo taker. I guess that's not important though. What's important is that I take photos because I love to do it. I get frustrated, though, when I think my photo could be so much more, but my camera makes it look pixely or ruins the colors. I try to convince myself it will be better when I start college because I can get a job and save up for things like a nice camera, lenses, and I'll be taking classes to learn all of the ins and outs of photography and exercise my ability. But it's difficult to take a photography course with no camera. And it's difficult to get a camera when you owe the school $1,200 before you can even start classes and I've got less than half of that in my bank account. All I can do is rely on my parents once again, even though they can't spare the money. It only adds to the amount that I owe them. Maybe you shouldn't owe your parents, but I know they don't have much more money than I do, so I feel obligated.
I've been thinking about Poland a lot lately. I always think about Poland. Why is it that life works out in almost painfully ironic ways? My best friend is in Hungary. I know a language that will probably never help me in Alma, MI. My camera breaks a week before I start photography classes. Heh. All I can do is laugh about it. I accept that I need to work harder having circumstances like this.. most of the people I love the very most are all around the world. I will probably only see a few of them ever again, and then maybe only once more. And I know that I'm going to meet many more people that I will cherish.. and never see again. It's something I accept in traveling though.
I wish I could study in Australia. I really want that the most. I wish that the school would be more helpful to me and I wish I knew what my plan was for even the next year, let alone the next four years.
Perhaps I'm complaining. But who looks at this anyway?
God I hate money.
Justine.. you take really beautiful photographs. They make me feel everything at once.
Hmm.
Josh and I are over forever, and most the time I'm okay with that. He was such a jerk in the end that I know I can do better... or I hope. But I still get upset when he wants other girls. like, gorgeous was what he always called me, it was our thing. But then he just called some random girl that he barely even talks to gorgeous... like it didn't mean a thing. i can't help being a little offended... and sad. i try to ignore him and i remind myself constantly how stupid he is, but sometimes i have an overwhelming feeling of sadness that i'll never hold him or kiss him or hear him say "i love you" again. i guess that's normal though. i'll get over it eventually. i just wish eventually would come sooner. it seems like i keep taking 2 steps forward and 1 step back though. i wish it could just all move forward instead. meh, i'm so sick of being sad and missing him... or us as the case may be. i just want to forget it all. i'm trying so hard to eliminate all memories, but i know i can't ever do that. he'll always be a guy i loved, whether or not he's a big dumb jerk. i hate breaking up, i hate feeling sad, and most of all i hate feeling like i did something so wrong. hmm... whatev. i just need to stop thinking about all of this and move on.
if only all that was as easy to do as it is to say!
Leaving Poland
COMING HOME PARTY (they say to put the important stuff first)
Yes, I'm returning to the mother land.. to the United States of America. I've been in Poland for ten months. Have you forgotten what I look like? If so, then you should come to my party and reacquaint yourself. If not, you should still come because I envy your good memory. Here are the details.
Jessica Schmidt's dad's house (on main street)
July 4th
5:30pm - pretty late because we'll be watching fireworks and celebrating
If you don't know where Jessica lives.. call her. Unfortunately I don't have her phone number. Maybe if she reads this note she will be so kind as to leave a comment with the number at which she can be reached. Orrr.. you can call me after July 1st at 696-9764.
I know it's Independence Day and you're all popular and torn between which party you're going to choose, but I hope you can at least stop by for ten minutes.