Die-ary

:: 2004 5 October :: 9.34pm

So yea, i wana fucking die. hooray. Fuck friends. fuck everyone. fuck you.

:: 2004 5 October :: 6.13pm
:: Mood: My throat hurts
:: Music: Wicked Karaoke and singing doo-n doo-n doo dooo

Polaroid pics for my buddy.
Read more..

Read more..

-Chasmin-

:: 2004 3 October :: 10.58pm

::sobs hysterically::

5 more shards | break my being

:: 2004 3 October :: 7.11am
:: Mood: Too early
:: Music: The London theater orchestra: Themes of Horror

Nifty Fifty's: Taste the memories
Well last night I went to my friend Marlenes baby shower. Thats the girl whose wedding and bachelorette party I went to. Holy shit is she huge now...I mean it's like...woah. The baby is due the 15 but she's so tiny and the baby is so big they might have to induce the baby next friday. I hope everything turns out ok. As she was opening her presents I just got sad watching her. She is so young. I can remember going to school with her only 2yrs ago. I know that some people would probably take this to offense but I think it would of helped out her life if she got an abortion. But her family doesn't believe in that stuff. So she had to get married her husband spends all his money on weed. Marlene who is so young is having a baby. It was sorta like my mom. She had a baby that young. My brother Aaron. She said she wished she had someone to talk about that whole thing to. I don't know having a baby scares me...it really does. I know I want to have kids some day. But hell I want to get into college and have a life before I go and bring others in it. Whatever this is too much semi-deep thinking for me so early in the morning...well it's not that early anymore but same difference. Into the woods and out of the woods and home before dark!

-Chasmin-

:: 2004 2 October :: 12.01pm
:: Mood: ::le shrug::
:: Music: Rockapella songs

MARS
So it's been a lil' while since I've writen in this thing again. I'm getting way to lazy lately. So umm let me update. I've decided I need to get over Ryan since the thought of us getting back together seems a very dim thought right now, probably cause it will never happen. So I will act my normal self to try and get back to my normal self. Anyways I bought a really cool dress lets see if I can get the pic of it on here. I can't so heres the link for it. http://www.leatherworks.com/Eternal_Love's_Original_Princess_Dress.htm
Its the second one the girl with the pink hair. I know the first girl is wearing the same dress...but the girl with pink hair looks better in it. So yah thats basically all thats been happening lately. My best friend Jessie got me to go out last night and we went out to eat and went to a movie afterwards. It was our ode to being single and having no guys. It was fun. It was her "birthday" and we went to roadhouse so we got a free sundae thing and it was good. Well I have things to do people to see and rooms to clean.

-Chasmin-

:: 2004 30 September :: 11.19pm

me and sara talking
TrueKillJoy (11:06:59 PM): like a buffalo
Hey look a ninja (11:07:06 PM): Sideways.
TrueKillJoy (11:07:09 PM): floating
Hey look a ninja (11:07:13 PM): to hell
TrueKillJoy (11:07:17 PM): named jim
Hey look a ninja (11:07:22 PM): with a daughter
TrueKillJoy (11:07:28 PM): whos a horse
Hey look a ninja (11:07:37 PM): with a penis
TrueKillJoy (11:07:55 PM): and not ass
Hey look a ninja (11:08:03 PM): but who's in love with an ass
TrueKillJoy (11:08:25 PM): named tom
Hey look a ninja (11:08:37 PM): twice
TrueKillJoy (11:08:45 PM): tom tom
Hey look a ninja (11:09:03 PM): who was having an affair with a squirrel
TrueKillJoy (11:09:10 PM): that was a boy
Hey look a ninja (11:09:15 PM): since he was gay
TrueKillJoy (11:09:37 PM): so jims daughter with a penis got sad
Hey look a ninja (11:09:48 PM): and stabbed herself repeatedly
TrueKillJoy (11:09:56 PM): in the penis
Hey look a ninja (11:10:09 PM): tom tom's penis
TrueKillJoy (11:10:32 PM): making him forever lost to the world of lovemaking
Hey look a ninja (11:11:42 PM): So he had a vagina surgically made on his penis-less body
TrueKillJoy (11:11:56 PM): then he decided he wasnt gay anymore
Hey look a ninja (11:12:06 PM): he was a lesbian
TrueKillJoy (11:12:19 PM): and he got back with jims daughter with the penis
Hey look a ninja (11:12:36 PM): and they made sweet, sweet loving into the early hours of the morning
TrueKillJoy (11:12:44 PM): hi
Hey look a ninja (11:12:51 PM): Hey! what's up.
TrueKillJoy (11:12:52 PM): lol
Hey look a ninja (11:12:54 PM): lmao.

:: 2004 29 September :: 8.58pm

what a welcome home party...woohoo...im so happy to be in hot, crappy florida. So, other then the fact that i want to shoot myself at the moment......
i feel so crappy. just like a dog just took the biggest crap of its life and i shoved my head all the way to the bottom of the pile. that shitty. No one can find time for me. I wana see cassandra. I might hang out with alex tomorrow. It was his birthday last weekend and I didnt get him anything on my vacation. or anyone else, or even myself really. no one reads this shitty thing anymore. not even joey. so i guess it doesnt matter what the hell i write in it.
I feel like cutting myself. right now. down my arm. id rather bleed out tears then cry them. Its a lot less painful and humiliating. people are such hipocrites. Im one. your one. Maybe god should do something about this race. wash us all out and start over. Maybe get a new species that doesnt fuck everything up. Maybe he will make man and woman together and not make a forbidden apple to plague decendants century after century over some stupid fruit. right now is about the time when i feel like bitching about my physical appearance.
but to save you all, and save myself, i shall not go any further. in parting words....
fuck you.

1 more shard | break my being

:: 2004 26 September :: 8.15am
:: Mood: groogly
:: Music: Ragtime

Scotch tape
Well I'm not at home again. I'm at Jorge's in Boca..what fun. In other words theres another hurricane here in florida. Yesterday when we were evacuated we came to Jorge's cause it was Frans birthday and we needed to make up for the party that was cancelled. It was fun though we had some people come over that we know that live in the same area as Jorge and we had burritos from Moes as well as chips and fajitas so its all good stuff. Friday I spent the night at Loreleis and we had fun. We went to the Boynton mall but it was closed then we went to the movies but there were too many people. We went to party city and I tried on a Cat Woman costume (just the top part) and it looked...sorta funny. After that she could see me looking over at Eckerds and she was like you wanna go over? I sorta nodded we get over there and I see Ryan skateboarding and Jose was there with some other kid and I was like I can't talk to him. He looked at our car cause we hadn't gotten out and he gave us this evil look I thought he knew it was us well that hurt me really badly and I was like Lorelei lets go please. She was semi-yelling at me but we finally left. When I texted Ryan later on he realized after we had pulled away that it was us. Lorelei is a wonderful friend trying to make me feel better and everything. We watched The people under the stairs and it was really good I reccomend it. I called Ryan last night and we talked a lil bit and from what was said and what happened...it seems to me that this is affecting him more then me...maybe the full effects of us not being together anymore haven't sunken in yet almost like its not real even though it is. I'm different without him...it's a weird feeling. I snap at people without meaning to. I'm sad of course, I find myself crying over little things. In chorus I asked my friend Cesar to give me some love cause I needed some and he came over and hugged me like usual and was like don't you have a boyfriend? I shook my head no and he wrapped his arms around my waist and was holding me like Ryan would and I was feeling really uncomfortable. I was just like we broke up. I dunno but I was like this is not your job this is Ryans I want Ryan to do this in my head of course I was thinking this. Blah. I bought Ryan's deoderant yesterday cause it smelled like him and the eckerds that I went to by the Boca mall Ryan's brother Miguel works there so I felt sorta weird. I'm sending Miguel evil death glares right now for what he said to Ryan. Ryan told his mom what happened between him and I guess his mom told Miguel. Well Miguel looked at Ryan with a straight face and said "I told you so". When Ryan told me that...I was like you evil thing you. I actually think Ryan and I will be back together soon so thats good. It's too hard being without him...but I'm scared its going to turn into what was going on before. I want to make this work really badly but maybe this small break is what we needed but I don't know anymore. I'm going to take a shower now. To all my Floridians be safe in the hurricane. And if anyone from Atlantic high reads this theres no school Monday.

-Chasmin-

:: 2004 23 September :: 6.18pm
:: Mood: Everything that is sad and hurtful thats how I fee
:: Music: Billy Joel "And so It goes"

And so it ends.
Ryan and I broke up today...officially. I said it since he couldn't and this time it wasn't planned....oh the pain. This is going to take some time to get over.

-Chasmin-

:: 2004 21 September :: 6.00pm

last night i guess it finally hit me that I will never be in my grandparents house ever again. We wont have parties in the back, see family there. fight with my cusin jay. I cant walk through all the rooms and go through all the neat stuff there. I wont be able to visit miami all the time. Anyways I woke up crying, it made me really sad. =( Im guna miss it.

-Felicia

:: 2004 21 September :: 3.35pm
:: Mood: Enh
:: Music: Mamma Mia!

Don't go breakin' my heart..doo doo
Would I sound selfish if I said I wish Ryan didn't have any friends? Well thats how I'm feeling alright. I'm envying Lorelei's relationship with Devin so badly. They are always together...and they are usually always happy. I mean these two have classes and everything. What do I have I see Ryan in the mornings and in the halls on one of the days. Thats all. Maybe I'm too busy and I don't see it. Maybe it's my fault. Am I the one with no time for him and he just goes off to find something to do? I don't know but I'm just sad right now. I guess I'm just too needy of a person. Were doin' ok now I guess but we still don't really see each other, and the talking thing is still minimal. We at least either talk or text each other at night sayin' goodnight like we used to but thats all. My friend really thinks I should dump him for awhile so he can see how important I am to him, she doesn't think it's fair for me to be sad like this. I don't even know what Ryan is thinkin' anymore. I don't think I ever will either. I have to finish this ACT packet. ::le sigh::

-Chasmin-

:: 2004 18 September :: 2.17pm
:: Music: weezer

lonely
right now im lonely. very very lonely. no one seems to understand. and i dont blame them because i dont fully understand myself. aside from feeling lonely i feel like this year will never end. My parents leave for Miami tomorrow without me. Maybe I can get brandie or cassandra to stay the night. I've only been trying to do that for a month or two now. Maybe somehow it will work tonight. Last night my nose started bleeding around 2. I have no idea why. I stayed up until about 5 reading a book. Then when i woke up this morning and did the yard, about an hour after i had finished my nose started bleeding again. My parents are gone now, they went to pick up my dads car. around four im spose to go clean my grandpas house. Im more of a slave then a house cleaner. since im related to him i have to clean his boat, and pick up stuff in the yard and move trash cans. I try to tell him that that is not what house cleaners do, and that i should get paid extra for it, but he is too mule headed and an ass hole to listen. My mom tells me that I cant stop cleaning his house...even though i hate it. I can only make so much money without having a real job and it just seems lately im paying for everything. I wanted to save money for when I go to Boston I can get some nice stuff. But I dont have that much money anymore. =( im guna go read a book because I dont really feel like eating....

:: 2004 16 September :: 10.03pm
:: Mood: semi happi
:: Music: the beatles-lucy the sky with diamonds

this dumb song has been in my head all day. its pretty.
Picture yourself on a boat on a river. With tangerine trees and marmalade skies. Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly, a girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green, towering over your head. Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes, and she's gone.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Oooooo.
Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain with rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies. Everyone similes as you drift by the flowers that grow so incredibly high. Newspaper taxis appear on the shore, waiting to take you away. Climb in the back with your head in the clouds. And you're gone.....

Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Oooooo.
Picture yourself on a train in a station With plasticine porters with looking glass ties. Suddenly someone is there at the turnstile, the girl with kaleidoscope eyes.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
Oooooo.
-------------------------
kk im waiting for joey to get home. i should prolly go shower. Someone is letting me read the chobits books. I only got to the 6th one when i read them last year. so im really happy about it. Im so addicted but its almost to an end =( i want the love henia series. i have 14-24 but i dont have the first 14. Me and joey have been playing Bualders gate 2 and plan to buy that tomorrow. Lifes great and I have joey. I leave to go to Boston next friday. Maybe Ill find some neat stores. =) I cant wait. We get interms tomorrow and it feels like I have only been in school weeks, and maybe I have....but things just seem to be going fast. Thank goodness. I dont think I could last that long if it was gruleingly slow. Ive been trying to read all my books before christmas and my birthday when i ask for like a million more. =) So I'm reading again. Well I never stopped, but I slowed down. Nows its like a book a week. Ok, I'll go shower now and await my call from joey when he gets off work. Tah-tah for now. =)