So I got rid of Dozer yesterday. I was sad to see him go, but I have been able to hold myself together, unlike when I got rid of my cat..
I know that its best for him and he will still be able to see Tank.
And now Chelsea loves him!! :)
So I am happy that I got to make someone else happy.
Even though Tank was super sad yesterday.
"There's a way about you that just seems right surrounded by drums, and you come alive to battle it."
i understand what they meant. and yeah, maybe it was just a nice little compliment, and that is all. but maybe not. it almost seems to me as if there is something more to it. as if, in that moment, they had a lucid picture of my mind and my heart and my emotions. like they took a polaroid of my soul. and, it just so happened that - as they saw it - my soul was doing its happy dance, for lack of a better term. and it's true. most of the time when i'm playing drums, i'm happy deep down. it just feels good, and i can focus on that one solitary task (which is actually quite complex and anything but solitary), and it will be enough to distract me from whatever else is going on in my life. unless of course there's a crowd of people watching. but that's not the important part. the important aspect of this observation is that the battle - the maelstrom - that they saw in that instant, isn't happening for me anymore. i mean, it happens every time i go into the basement and jam for half an hour. but then i get done, cool down, and it's gone again. i feel the same way when i'm working on cars, or running sound, or making a recording. it's fun, exciting, exhilarating. it's a challenge for me to conquer. it's a puzzle that i find absolutely fascinating. i need to figure out how it ticks... how to fix it if it's broken... what i could do to make it work better, easier, faster, louder, stronger... you get what i'm saying. then and only then am i truly happy, truly satisfied, fully energized and motivated and ... alive.
and what i want - what i REALLY want more than anything - is to feel that passion in all aspects of my daily life. and it seems that i barely feel it at all anymore. like someone just took all of my energy away. or maybe it's there, but i can't seem to reach it when i need to. it absolutely baffles me.
okay, saying all aspects of my daily life is probably misleading. if i was that excited about taking out the trash, or doing the dishes, and did those chores with the same kind of zeal or fervor that i do in playing drums, it would be creepy and weird. and i'd probably need 12 hours of sleep every day just to maintain my energy levels. so, no i don't want it quite like that. but i want to be able to have a job that i do every day, that offers me the opportunity to have little glimmers of that passion bubble up to the surface from deep within my soul every so often. just enough to remind me of why i'm alive. of why i'm here. of why the fuck nobody's killed me yet. and get a bit of a boost from it, so i have enough energy and self-motivation to be able to get in there and kick it in the butt, like i'm supposed to.
all i know is i'm sick of being poor, i'm sick of being bored, and i'm sick of being either A) stuck at home with a chore list five miles long that i refuse to do, or B) being out and about, thinking about all the chores i have back home that i'm not doing, and about all of the money i'm spending (and not making) in the process of being out. i need something else.
"Well then, I think I may be able to help you. You see, your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. his condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience - what we vets call "environment" - failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli; a ball of string, a nice juicy mouse, a bird. To be blunt, your cat ... is in a rut. It's the old stockbroker syndrome; angst, weltschmerz, call it what you will-"
"Moping."
"In a way, in a way. Hmm... moping, I must remember that. Well now, what can be done? Tell me sir, have you confused your cat recently?"
"...well-"
"SHH! ... no."
"Yes, well I think I can definitely say that your cat badly needs to be confused."
"What?"
"Confused! To shake it out of its state of complacency. I'm afraid, I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service. Here is their card."
"Oh... Confuse-a-Cat Ltd..."
For like the first time in a very long time.. My mood does not reflect the wheather.. Usually when it rains, I feel completely lethargic and do absolutely nothing.. But right now it is down pouring at my house and I want to go playin the rain, or do my dishes, sweep and mop my bathroom, laundry room and mud room floors, and clean my bathroom.. I already cleaned out my refridgerator and vacuumed at like midnight..
I am feeling pretty good about life these days and that makes me feel even better. Optimism is not something I show easily. I usually have to struggle to show it.. I think it is a trait passed down from my dad, and his dad.. Because everyone who knows my dad, knows that he does not smile regularly and sometimes it takes a lot to make him smile.. Other times he just smiles when he sees his kids and grandson. And I absolutely love that. My mom is sometimes a hard one to make smile too, but she at least laughs with me at all the dumb shit I do or say.
And I have a 20 lb dog trying to climb frantically onto my lap because he is terrified of hard rain.. Tank is a lot better during rain and storms.. He doesn't try to get on my lap as much anymore.. But Dozer is absolutely terrified.. It's kind of cute..
My name is chris, and I am in Kansas City (well... shawnee, KS. but close enough). isn't that cool? i thought you'd be impressed.
I'm getting kind of hungry. probably because this entry is about what i've done so far since i've been here.
we got here yesterday morning. i proceeded to burn cds and copy music to my laptop for the next several hours. then we went out to dinner. it was amazing. i got a glass of gewurtstraminer and a fish sandwich. today we went to gymnastics practice, and went shopping at kohls and old navy. then got gelato. now we're chilling at the house. leaving sometime either tomorrow, or early tuesday.
that's about it.
i should get some food. to eat. and stuff.
peace,
Chris
P.S. funny quote of the day:
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." - Joe E. Lewis
so i had this really really fucked up dream last night.
I was at this party down the road from my house, it was apparently at jamie henteg's house, wich i've got no idea where he lives. but he was there.
anyways we get there and hang out with some people, and music is playing
and then jamie comes down the stairs with a shotgun and points it at me, and i'm like "WTF DUDE?!" and eventually he shoots me in the chest with some of those bean bag things, twice, and it didn't bruise. eventually he calmed down and everything was cool lol. so i go outside and todd kopkau(sp?) is singing and amy waller is playing the tamborine.
Yeah, so I am easily amused about the littlest things..
But I am super excited that Tank can finally lay down on command, and I've been working on getting him to roll over.. He only half rolls over on his own.. But its so cute!! I love it..
Dozer on the other hand, is kind of a lost cause.. You try to get him to shake, and he thinks its an open opportunity to lick the crap out of your hand.. And he ate another flip flop.. Little bastard! Good thing I only pay like a dollar for my flip flops..
So I go back to work tomorrow, and Im not excited about it.. At all..
The last few days I have filled my time with online Monopoly and watching 16 and Pregnant on MTV!!
Not about anything
I didn't expect it to be so strange when I merged worlds. It's not bad, but it's different. I brought Poland, Australia, and America into the same place. I have Kara, who is experiencing what the real Shelton family is, and marveling at how I came from it. I have Prudence, who counts as both Polish and Australian to me, who is experiencing the American life. And then I have my American friends, who are experiencing the people I spent most of my time with abroad. Surprisingly (or maybe not,) I make friends with a similar type of people anywhere I go. Not that everyone doesn't have their own unique qualities, only that I tend to surround myself with people who will get along with each other. I really like my friends.
We're going to be traveling soon. Next trip will be about two weeks and we'll see Boston, New York City, Washington DC, Cincinnati, and Columbus, as well as everything in between. I'm really excited about this because I've always wanted to see New England more than ANYWHERE else in the USA. I know it's not a really thorough trip, but it's going to be great nonetheless. It's sad Prudence will have to leave about a week after we get back to Cedar, and Kara will leave in about three. I wish I could go with her.. I really hope I can. It all depends on the Australian government. I've already applied for residency; all that's left is waiting.
I'm going to miss my friends and winter Christmases. But Melbourne gets colder than Brisbane, so it will feel a little more like home. I can't WAIT to start studying, but once again, I'll have to wait. Two years. :S
I don't want to think about the future. My life is made up of a lot of phases. I'm always in a position where I can't do one thing until I've done another, and usually, it's time that's holding me back. Such as, a visa needing to be approved, or having a visa that won't let you study for two years. I'm not really in a hurry, but I like to feel like I'm working towards something. At least it never hurts to save money for a while.
I'm not going to complain about anything, or say anything contemplative, because I don't really feel like it, even though God knows I could. But it's been ages since I've written, so I thought I would. I used to keep a journal that I wrote in regularly, ever since I was little, but I haven't for the last year. I've never lived with anyone before in the sense that your lives actually affect each others, and ever since Kara and I moved in together, I haven't needed to write. Not much, anyway. We used to go to bed every night and just talk while laying there. It's harder to do here in America, where my mother is creeping around, making sure we're not being ourselves. That must be why I feel like writing right now. But also, Kara and Prudence are taking quizzes on some website right now. Instead of joining in, I went to woohu. I even forgot my password. I had to ask Kara--good thing she stores memories like a computer.
Well, we're going to drink some vodasz tonight, and watch Harry Potter movies (god help me.) The wine will help. :P
Life right now is great.
Other than I still don't have the career part figured out..
But I am extremely happy in all the other aspects of my life..
After trying to get shit figured out all these years, I finally feel like I have everything.
Even though my dog has decided he wants to tear up the carpet in out rental house, where my landlord doesn't know we have the little ass hole!!
Yesterday I was ready to get rid of him, and was going to put him on craigslist, but I really do love the little ass hole to pieces and Im happy he's a part of our family..
i still can't seem to figure out how funny these guys are. i don't know if they're actually funny, or if i just started watching long enough to where brain cells actually started dying.
Well I am thoroughly enjoying my time off work and filling it with friends and whatnot..
We went out for Rhonda's birthday thursday night, and I drank way more than I could ever imagine..
I have a ton of bruises.. and I am becoming a professional drunk dancer!
Now I just need to figure out what to fill this week with..
We need to decide what we are going to do for Mike's daughter for her birthday, which is wednesday..