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dabestyougot69
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2013 6 January :: 12.28am
I'm searching for a reason to feel for you again.
2 you constantly make it impossible to |
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aaron
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2012 7 May :: 1.33pm
I am addicted to that certainty in whose absence my selfishness is
naked.
In the first moments I was action. I moved, even though my certainty and knowledge had been shattered. From here, I can't see precisely what moved me. Some inexplicable sense that the next step, despite not mattering, was worth making.
But I've coasted to a halt. I sit motionless and restless. That is my selfishness. Though I have no certainty to speak of, it should be obvious what the next step is. [I]It's all out there[/I].
But then I stop. There are people, connections, responsibilities. Am I allowing myself to be especially possessed? Have I surrendered myself to be objectified? Does covenant imply objectification?
I am living in a paralyzing tension- on the one hand, the potential for absolute freedom. On the other, knowing how alone that freedom makes me.
Can I bind myself that way? Is there anything else to do?
_|_ If it looks something like that, then I have some writing to do.
It's funny that tripping over the answer gets me to ask the right question. My life would move along more quickly if I could do things the other way around.
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aaron
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2012 6 May :: 6.05pm
:: Music: The dog days are over
Sometimes I feel like the world is talking to me.
make conversation
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aaron
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2012 1 April :: 10.12pm
I don't know anything.
What if I had it and I threw it away?
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aaron
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2012 20 February :: 2.28pm
Is it like this in everyone's head? Not writing this sentence might have been the first step in differntiating between what's in here and everything- everyone- else out there.
Am I an angry person?
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aaron
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2011 17 February :: 4.28pm
What does it mean to be an individual?
2 you constantly make it impossible to |
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aaron
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2011 12 January :: 6.54pm
It's time for an adventure.
2 you constantly make it impossible to |
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aaron
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2010 8 December :: 9.42pm
Goddamn it I could just burn this whole journal and tell you my life is beautiful and maybe that would make some sense.
The beauty in the world I chase so hard chases back.
2 you constantly make it impossible to |
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aaron
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2010 8 December :: 9.33pm
The funny thing is, whether it was learning an indigenous language on a mountain thousands of miles, or here at my desk writing philosophy, or napping with her on the couch...
now I'm just lost in the music. Haha, look at me go. Here we go?
Don't suppose I'm as crude of an instrument as I look, there's something very elegant going on here. We may be social dinosaurs, and maybe you don't believe in these sorts of dinosaurs, but I like to think they existed. If they didn't, then this isn't old fashioned, it's revolutionary.
On second thought, it's a revolution anyway. In my private little world, it's a revolution. I imagine it would be in yours, too.
Be balanced, but not compromised. Of course of course of course live this fiercely. Dive in.
And if the music is what makes the feeling, there's always people making more music.
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aaron
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2010 8 December :: 9.30pm
I have existed twice and all at once.
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aaron
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2010 29 September :: 6.06pm
:: Music: ratatat
bah
bahbah
bahbah
desert eagle and coffee.
folding and unfolding. something like origami flowers. can\\
sleeping in peace, sleeping cause you can't drown and feel this good.
buh
buhshickshicka. noisy drum noises.
There was a moment, 7 years ago, just like this, where something began.
See them? At first I thought it was snowing. Now I see it never mattered how scared I was, how small I was, or how hard the Leviathan fought to keep me back.
Like the Mobius strip, life only appears to go in a straight line if you're in it.
There was a moment 7 years ago. I could never have known how beautiful this is.
I can't tell you the future, and I can't decide who anyone else is. I'm sometimes not sure I can even know who anyone else is.
But I know who I am, and I can choose who I am, and if that has anything to do with the future, I can choose some piece of that, too.
A little girl pushes on the oar.
Grandpa pushes too. And that's how miracles happen.
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aaron
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2010 19 September :: 6.00pm
My life is beautiful.
The dichotomy here is that I'm inclined to say something I know isn't true. So let's call it a feeling, not a thought
but
They can call me pretentious, I don't really mind. The meek and meager inherit the Earth, and the bold and reckless inherit the sky.
Mostly just love so powerful that when strikes me I could forget my own name. And finally a world of people who know what that means.
Oh, for the record: I really love that girl.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 6 March :: 6.52pm
:: Mood: indescribable
:: Music: Captiva-Falling up.
Love.
How can a heart that once was dead, begin to beat again?
You. You are my reason. You've revived me.
I love you with my entirety.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 18 February :: 8.04am
You'll go to hell
for what your
dirty mind
is thinking.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 18 February :: 8.01am
:: Mood: anxious
:: Music: Nude- Radiohead.
Last night
was insane.
Sean was on the fritz and I don't think I've ever really seen him that heartbroken.
I tried to make it better but I think I just fueled the fire.
I feel bad.
But I think he'll be ok.
I don't know.
I hope he will be.
I have an overwhelming sense to vomit.
I don't feel well at all.
And I hate my make up, it makes my eyes water.
All the time.
Everyday.
It sucks.
You've gone off the rails.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 13 February :: 11.55am
:: Mood: full
Is it over?
I am fine.
Thank you dearly
for your time.
I'll be leaving.
Don't you cry.
I'll be back soon.
At least I'll try...
Can't you see?
There is no time to think
Selfishly.
Yesterday's gone.
Tomorrow's here.
Can't turn back now.
I won't quit.
I still love You.
I swear.
I always will.
I.
Always.
Will.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 11 February :: 8.02am
They always play the saddest songs at starbucks when I'm in a sad mood...
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dabestyougot69
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2010 11 February :: 7.59am
:: Mood: frustrated
She's so much like me, it's effing disgusting. fjkdslfjdl;jfdk;lajfd;lafj;da
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dabestyougot69
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2010 10 February :: 10.24am
I want you here.
Or I awnt someone else.
I want both.
Or. Just you here.
I need you.
This distance isn't going to work anymore.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 9 February :: 8.27pm
I feel so dizzy i think i might induce puking.
Everything is spinning and I can't seem to grasp onto any sort of oxygen.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 9 February :: 8.24pm
Look at me now, A man who won't let himself be.
Down in a hole.
Feelin so small.
Down in a hole.
Losing control.
I'd like to flyyyyyy.
But my wings have been so denied.
I am losing control of everything.
I'm freakin sick of this crap..
I dn't get joy when looking at you anymore.
All I see if a lifetime of mistakes.
gdkjlafjdklfjdklafeiowfnmlkdfsmalf
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dabestyougot69
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2010 7 February :: 3.27pm
:: Mood: restless
:: Music: The widow.-ACB
I'm holding on, and I don't know why.
I've forgotten why I used to fight.
I have this hope, but don't want to use it.
There's nothing to hope for anymore.
I want to feel, but you don't want me to.
How can I rewrite our past?
I'm putting everything plus one hundred into this
And I can't feel myself anymore.
Combustion. That's my fate.
You're so worth losing myself for.
And I know you'd never let that happen.
But it is. And I am silently fading.
I've been feeling so much for you, that everything else feels dead.
And when things are bad with us
life doesn't exist.
You know more than anything
that it's impossible to restrict my feelings.
They seemed to have gone insane
And there's no stopping them.
I can't make it without you.
because you let me live with you.
and when you want to take it away
it fear i might not be able to make it without you.
I won't tell you, that i can't make it without you
but I am dying. without you
because i am alive. with you.
But I won't tell.
I'll just fall. Secretly in love.
Secretly. I am fading.
I want to be everything you need.
I'm killing my identity just to try.
And it's worth it, you're worth it, always have been.
I'd die for you. I mean it.
I want things. I really do. But i'd still never share them with you.
I am not good enough to ask for anything.
I want to tell you all this.
But I can't.
Because I don't
want you
to think
this is
the same.
as it's been.
And so, I let my feelings remain, hidden.
I think this is...the end.
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dabestyougot69
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::
2010 7 February :: 2.30pm
p.s. Youaretheonlythingthatfeelsright.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 7 February :: 2.25pm
:: Music: To whom it may concern-UnderOATH
Ah, innocense.
Haven't written in what feels like months.
It's only been two days..
That tells you how I've been doing lately.
I feel awful.
And to the very extent it that word.
Things just...Suck.
I want to make them better
but everytime I do, I do something in my fricken subconscious to mess it up. Why must I always ruin things that are good!?
Ugh.
I already miss you.
Even though you're not gone.
I hope your thoughts aren't taking you to places that they don't need to be
and that you still are holding onto that last glimpse of hope.
I'm sorry I am screwed up.
Staying would be suicide...
But. I. love you.
I wouldn't ever ask you to stay. because I know dealing with me is the worst thing ever.
Please...Leave. I don't want to hurt you, and I always seem to hurt me.
:[
I'm sorry I am such a waste.
Forgive me for wanting you to let me in
I know, I don't deserve it.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 5 February :: 8.57am
:: Mood: happy
:: Music: Misty.
things.
I should be getting ready to go out. But I am not.
I'm lost in my own selfish thoughts and desires.
Wanting nothing more than to hear your voice, touch your skin, feel your warmth.
God. This is harder than it's ever been.
But so worth it.
I know one day, it will all be better, and everything will be worth it.
I'm closing the door on my past. Completely.
Erasing names, memories, getting rid of the baggage I've kept stored in my closet for the longest time,
I have no room for any of that, because I am moving up to something worth keeping.
I love you, Mister. And I am devoted.
You are my reason.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 4 February :: 11.31am
:: Mood: uncomfortable
:: Music: Quiet-Lights
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiifreakinmissyouuuuuuuu
I will...never let you fall.
I'll stand up for you forever.
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me in heaven.
Cuz you're my
my.
My true love.
My whole heart.
Please don't throw that away.
Cuz I'm here, for you.
And only you
Please don't walk away now
Please tell me you'll stay.
Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be ok
Though my skies are turning gray, gray,.
I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me in heaven.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 4 February :: 5.41am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: 30 days-NSN
Lots of topics.
Date: February 4th, 2010
Time: 5:41 am PST
If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, and luminate the notes on their vacancy sign
If there's no one beside you, as your soul embarks...I will follow you into the dark.
EDIT:
Time: 5:53 am
Need to freakin write my paper. Why do I keep looking at my phone, wanting to hear your voice.
I know you're sleepingggg and I want to wake you up and kiss you all over.
:] iloveyou.
And i hate how cute and "lovey" i get with you. I've lost my balls...I mean what!?
EDIT:
Time 6:02 am
I caved. Haha I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hearing your voice.
Ahh my heart comes alive.
:*
EDIT:
Time: 6:44 am
I love how Woohu logs you out if you're not active for like half an hour.
:]
I finished my essay, remembered to print out my other one, and now I have to remember to bring a stapler for Brianna. Hahaha.
Do you see my staplerr?
^_^
Sean called me last night...which was weird.
I wonder why!?
Maybe he can answer my question on here, because I know he reads this.
I am going to go.
I need to get more sleep but I know i won't be able to.
Darnit!
haha
Dar n it!
ilybby.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 3 February :: 5.06pm
:: Mood: exhausted
:: Music: Ifyournottheone-db
Failure.
I feel more apart from you than ever.
One little thing.
I knew today was going to royally suck.
I just hope that I am wrong.
I'm frustrated with everything.
Ugh.
Tell me there's nothing to worry about,
and everything is going to be ok.
Because I'm already used to you.
I've opened my heart up again for you.
And if it gets broken again, I think I might die.
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dabestyougot69
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2010 3 February :: 1.55am
:: Mood: awake
:: Music: Dinner @ The money table-TEN
Sleep Deprivation
Hahha. Well...My plans to wake up at eleven slowly came to a fail and I woke up at two instead...And now I am fully awake and missing the boy who makes my heart soar.
I woke up hella dehydrated. And I want someone to lay with. And if I go back to sleep, I hope to wake up at four so I can get ready for work and whatknot.
Mannn
it feels good to have money.
And it feels better to have someone who knows me inside and out and desires what I do.
Dear nonboyfriendbutweactlikeit: I love you. :D
And you're lucky I'm feeling pretty nice, or you'd be getting a call from me right about now... O_o
I wish I could call you...ahh I am so lonely.
Oh well.
When we talk tomorrow...or...today, it will be better.
Even though I have crappy work all day. Lol
Lose-lose situation..
But I still love you
and you still love me.
So its kinda a win-win.
Or...they even out...so it's a normal-normal...
Idk.
my brain is off.
And I don't want to turn it back on.
And my eyes hurt
And TEN is singing to me about disappointments.
Goshhh
I'd kill to hear your voice.
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