godessalthena
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2006 11 June :: 2.16pm
:: Mood: happy
I'm really happy now. Things are so good.
I can't stop smiling!
I'm really tired though. And I really want to see Kirkery!
But I don't get to.
But what a great place I'm in. And it's to beautiful outside.
[edit]
and i just ordered my zen micro! it's white, but i couldn't buy it in green, but that's okay. i'll just buy it a jacket. hehe. i'm happy.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 11 June :: 4.32am
:: Mood: ecstatic
life is so amazing...
ah!!! i'm so fucking happy!!
i got what i wanted and i intend on keeping it like this. five weeks isn't that long. i have a lot of work to do.
i won't let you down!
hhahah, i'm so happy!
love,
amelia
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 10 June :: 6.36am
you're the last thing i think about when i go to sleep.
you're the first thing i think about when i wake up.
i can't get you out of my head...
if you would just come back to me...
i would be so good...
it isn't an issue that i don't love you enough.
it never was, but i never realized how much i need you.
i'm such a pansy...
i graduate today. offically i'm not a high school student anymore.
yessss.
it's so early and i am so tired alread... god.
'i'm the one to blame...'
love,
amelia
p.s. seriously, love me.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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namu
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2006 9 June :: 10.47pm
I want to help. It's all I've EVER wanted to do. I only feel bad when I'm not actually able to help. Why is it that so many people backhand a gracious gesture of help so much? It's like you offer to pay for something for somebody, and they try to dodge out of it no matter what, even though you just wanna help. Anymahoozer.....
"ppphhhhtttt"
fuk....now I miss you, like a lot
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 9 June :: 8.35pm
:: Mood: bored
oh my god i'm so fucking bored right now...
i'm so lonely and stuff. i think that's only because i'm being a girl.
being a girl sucks.
i miss you so much.
i get to go to the senior all nighter.
yay.
i graduate tomorrow.
i'm a little nervous, but not really.
things aren't really important anymore.
i am just trying to live again.
i sort of feel ridiculous.
i really don't want it to be like this.
i feel sick. i ate way too much.
i didn't really want to eat at all.
i don't really feel like existing anymore.
but at the same time i want to start a new life.
i want to be happy.
i want to be happy and with him...
what the fuck happened..?
honestly, i thought you'd want to help.
but you just ran away because you were scared.
i'm not mad. just very, very confused.
and very very hurt.
and super lonely.
i need a friend right now.
i'm exhausted.
and you probably won't read this.
or care if you do.
'when the world was younger and you had everything to lose...'
love,
abandoned
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 9 June :: 12.59pm
We broke up.
It was fun while it lasted...
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 9 June :: 7.54am
well... that's a kick in the head...
my heart is being rebroken...
but whatever, i'll get over it again i guess.
if it really is the end. which i don't want it to be... because that would make everything so crappy right now...
i promise i'll work harder. i'll love myself. i really will.
i'm already liking myself more.
i'm a good person who can strive and accomplish great things.
i promise...
honest.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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aerii
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2006 9 June :: 6.06am
:: Mood: sad
:(
i'm not a fat whale...
3 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 8 June :: 9.49pm
so i talked to both my parents...
i'm grounded for now, but i don't really know what they're going to finally decide upon...
i'm really sad about this whole summer thing...
once again it's for the most part ruined...
i feel really... hopeless. i feel like this is all futile.
but at least i'm happy inside sort of.
i'm worried and scared, but that's okay...
i'm trying my best to love myself...
and to fix what's wrong with me...
(i'm selfish and i need to learn to respect people, including myself)
(and i need to take responsibility for my actions)
i'm tired...
i've lost five pounds! huzzah.
'that there's someone out there that feels just like me...'
love,
amelia
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 8 June :: 8.16am
i don't want to do this again.
i'm so afraid....
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 7 June :: 7.34pm
so today was the last day of school. pretty frickin sweet.
and uh... yeah... totally talked to my mom. next step is dad, but he's so scary that i really want to wait... he seems more like my sister in the way of being completely unpredictable and fiery.
but i'm growing up. it's hard, but i'm getting there. next step is to be brave for the future.
that's really hard.
'when i look at the stars...'
love,
amelia
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 7 June :: 5.10pm
:: Mood: crushed
i want to apologize for the way i was today. it was a really, really shitty day and i just wanted to kill myself. i felt alone, betrayed, worthless and utterly disgusting.
so i sincerely apologize to anyone i may have hurt. i hope you all had fun at the senior barbaque. i really wasn't very hungry... i'm still not hungry...
fuck.
i hate myself/my life.
'i am a waste of breath, of space, of time...'
love,
bitchzilla who doesn't deserve anything she has
p.s. little boys make my life.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 6 June :: 4.28pm
i wish... i don't know... i wish i was moving away right now. i wish there was somewhere i could go where i was accepted and loved for who i am.. i wish there was a place where i was never a disappointment... a place where i could be happy everyday... i wish i didn't ruin people's lives...
i wish i could just be and be happy while doing it.
i'm going to work today. i'm seriously considering working at wetzel's and edo this summer. it would suck hardcore ass, but hey, i'd make extra money and all that good stuff... i mean, full time and a supplemental part time. i was thinking like... forty hours upstairs and then twenty or so down and that would make sixty hours at seven-sixty-three and hour... four-hundred-fifty-seven. that's pretty good. and that's in one eor two weeks..? yeah. but what about my social life? who cares, as long as my parents don't think i'm selfish.
but that isn't to say they are all for my two-job idea. i bet they think it's silly. but they won't say so and i don't know.
so whatever.
i'm a bitch to myself and i am so mad at my sister.
'i hate you, fuck you, leave me alone...'
love,
amelia
3 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 5 June :: 9.59pm
god damnit.
i'm...
i'm so sick of BETRAYAL.
god fucking damn it.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 5 June :: 6.39am
School's almost over. This place is almost gone. I'll get to leave it all behind (hopefully) and move on to better things.
Yesterday was really great. I had a really, really great time with Kirk... But it makes me not want him to leave even more... I hate how the end of school always takes someone away from me... I hate it! It's so unfair... I don't want him to leave... Mostly I'm afraid things will turn out like last time... But it's a shorter period of time... Only five or so weeks... So it should be fine... I'm just worried... I don't like those relationships.
But it's not like I'll be lonely. I have wonderful friends and I have a job. So things'll work out just fine... I just hope I don't miss him too much.
i hate missing people.
'i want to start everything over again...'
love,
amelia
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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Namu
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2006 4 June :: 11.32pm
I miss Kayley right now. It's really nice being with somebody that understands how to miss you. She is so great. Ugh do I miss her now though. My favorite part is when we get to lie together and fall asleep. Ahh....so warm, so loving.
I miss you
I love you
I don't love missing you,
and I miss loving you
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 4 June :: 9.15am
:: Mood: cold
suffocating rain
it's raining... a whole bunch...
i was thinking about yearbooks, and i realized that brooke and i still have best friend quotes... it's funny, but sad. i wish this fight didn't happen and life wasn't such a bitch, but i don't feel like saying sorry for nothing and she's not going to change so there's nothing to be done.
did i say i started to learn how to fire dance from my kirkery? it's pretty sweet. i'm not super good at it, but i'm okay... i just need to practice. someday i'll be able to do it with fire... after i get rid of my belly and learn how to bandange my breasts. then i'll be the shit and everyone will think i'm fucking awesome. hells yes.
i move soon! i'm so so excited about it! it's going to be great. and everything will be happy and great and awesome! and i'll be with brittany and kirk and new people and maybe even jeremiah.
so... god i'm excited. just thinking about seattle makes me so excited. i love it there.
i'm not excited for when kirk goes off to seattle for classes then lousiana for family money whatever. that's not so exciting, but at least i'll be able to surprise him when he gets back with my super cool will-powered stuffez.
so, aq got fired, sam wants to quit and skanky might have quit. that's a bad day right there. but at least our new cashier knows kind of how to cook and i kind of know how to cook... i mean, not all is lost...
now i just have to wait until 11. that's a really far time away.
'through the warmth of blue leaves a chill instead...'
love,
amelia
12 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 3 June :: 9.28am
:: Mood: bored
:: Music: Taking Back Sunday
are you up for it?
I go to work at five. That means I have until then to do things, which is awesome. Tomorrow I don't go to work at all so I get to do even more tomorrow! I missed not having to do anything at all like before.
My parents asked me to clean my paints up, but I really don't want to at all so I'm just going to not with the excuse that art can strike at anytime.
I talked to Brittany last night for a really long time. I love talking to her too. I love just talking to people... It makes me feel good, even if we don't talk about happy things, it's better than no one saying anything. There are exceptions to that, but most of the time I just love hearing people tell me things and give their opinions and how they feel. It opens up a whole new world, a new dimension to humans that I don't get to see very often.
Last night I was 'mad' that Sam and AQ were talking in Chukese and I couldn't understand it so I started talking to them in Japanese. It didn't really work out very well, but that's okay. It made me laugh. Then Chris called AQ a bitch, but he was talking to me at the time so I took it like he was calling me a bitch.
Yeah... I want Kirk to wake up so I can talk to him and we can hang out.
'you are everything i want because you're everything i'm not...'
lov3,
amleia
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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aerii
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2006 2 June :: 11.32pm
ksdjfalskhf80wu43alkmlmlmlmlsdfjlaskdjalskjdflksdjf
!!!
<3<3
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 2 June :: 6.55am
I made a mistake...
Her name is Keri.
AND I only work six days in the next two weeks! I don't work on the weekends! (yet) Kevin asked me if I needed this Saturday off, but he didn't change the schedule.
When I asked AQ if we were best friends he looked at me and asked me if I was crazy. It was great.
YEa, It's fucking awesome. Oh, and i'm not going to look for a new job. it's really... it's easier this way and i'd preffer it this way.
'i do it because i know i'm never going to kiss you again...'
love,
amelia
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 1 June :: 4.07pm
We hired a new cashier. Her name is Cassandra. She worked there when it opened. I hope she's nice. Zanida asked me if I still worked upstairs, which made me a little nervous like I would be fired. But I know I won't, I'm a good worker and a good person.
So.. Tomorrow is payday! And I got my debit card today. And all that cool stuff. Next Monday I'm taking Kirk out to sushi or something else... Gordy's I think is what we decided. I just associate Kirk with sushi.
Only a few more days of Hell left! Hells yes!
I am so allergic to everything today. And my back is all coloured and stuff. It's intense. Today was a good day.
I'm happy.
'salvation is here...'
love,
amelia
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 31 May :: 8.19pm
:: Mood: amused
Life is really funny sometimes. It makes me laugh and smile on the inside.
I really missed Lauren. She's so great to talk to. I'm never afraid to tell her anything. She knows how to be a really great friend and it makes everything so much easier. It's nice to have someone like her to talk to. I love you Lauren!
So, we only have five more days! I'm so happy! These last days are going to be so great because I know at the end of it I'll never be stuck with the same group of four hundred people again. It's really great.
I'm happy today. Things are going really great.
'i think i may be partly cloudy...'
love,
amelia
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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aerii
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2006 31 May :: 5.12am
haha cake
and baby fishies/duckies
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 30 May :: 8.44pm
:: Mood: depressed
:: Music: The Cure - Cut Here
so dizzy mr busy
i've been struggling with this problem forever and i'm so sick of it. i hate feeling unimpressive, unimportant... feeling like i don't really matter in anything because i'm just so replaceable.
and i'm very sorry for it. it's just so hard for me... i hate feeling like i'm just a stupid pony rather than a unicorn. i mean... it's like i'm only going to ever be this good at something. nothing better. and it kills me inside.
that's why i don't read poetry, or look at paintings, or read stories, or talk to people... they always make me feel so uncool. like when we hung out the other night. all those stories and experiences and what did i have? i get to stay at home on my computer or go to work. exciting... and i can't tell stories very well.
i mean. i'm cute and funny. i like to paint with water colours and i like to sit around doing nothing but thinking.
because i'm cool like that.
'it hasn't been that great...'
love,
unimpressive me
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 29 May :: 7.46pm
it's amazing what art can do for a bad mood.
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 29 May :: 11.55am
i fucking hate work, school and my parents.
mostly i fucking hate work and school.
and nikola.
fuck.
i want to go cry. i was looking for this day of for a long time. i wanted to just relax. fuckers.
i hate it so much.
so i'm going to go work on painting my hell. and then i'm going to present it and say 'this is where everyone goes when they die because they all fucking suck and god hates all of us' and laugh at everyone because we all suck and we just don't want to realize it. ha. ha.ha.ha.
fuck.
i hate my life sometimes.
'everyone you look so empty...'
ggr.
amelia
2 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 29 May :: 10.03am
yeah... i don't really know what to say about yesterday. it was just an off day.
so...
whatever. my life's a mess, but at the same time it's very under control. and things are so much easier now that i've seen the change in you and that you aren't the man i used to love. only a semblance of him... and it helps. it gave me some reality on the whole thing.
so...
yeah.
whatever.
those are the only things i can really say. slept until nine-thirty. showered... dreamt about my prome dress and going to prom for a huge sum of money.
and yeah. burning rage and hatred has abated. now it's just the false hatred that i use on people to make myself feel more normal.
'uoy evol i...'
love,
amelia
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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Namu
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2006 28 May :: 3.48pm
A red pool of happy memories and a great lifestyle circules my finger now. I can see everything we ever had inside, i just have to take a peek without crying. I'm glad we saw eachother, I'm glad we talked, and I'm glad we even hugged. I wanted to burst out in tears though, and still might on the bus. But I don't regret anything we ever had. Te amo.
Thanks for a good day brookie, and I love you, and have a safe trip, and stay in comm with me, and we can make this time even shorter than last.
".....come what may....."
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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Namu
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2006 27 May :: 10.46pm
HOLY HELL!!! That was like the best friggin day ever! I had so much fucking fun. You guys are truly great to hang out with. I had such a wonderful time. It's so cool that after all this time, we still have our caring relationships about one another still around. It makes me want to visit even more. I love you guys, you are so great and make me so happy. Makes me feel like things have kinda gone back to the way they were.
Happy
Oh, and I totally kicked your butts, zuzu and stina ;)
"falopian tubes...."
p.s. I enjoyed seeing you today. I wanted to say more(or something at all) and at least communicate in some way. Maybe some other time.
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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godessalthena
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2006 27 May :: 10.01pm
seeing you made me nervous, made me shake, made me tremble, made my heart hurt, made my hands sweat, made my head want to run into a wall... made me want to die and to cry and to hide... panic attacks.
because i really don't think it's possible to get over you.
my feet hurt. and i still feel like crying. i don't really understand why because i'm not sad. i'm confused and frustrated.
tomorrow i work from eleven to seven. after work i get to hang out with my new friends and kirkery. i'm really excited. i hope they show up. and then on monday i get the whole day to myself. finally, a break from both work and school.
but that was hard. an di wanted to touch you and hug you, but i wanted to run away and kill myself. i didn't want to exist...
gah.
well.......... yeah.
i want to be gone. away... happy.
'if love is surrender... then who's war is it anyway..?'
love,
amelia
1 told me |
i want to hear the stories of your love for me
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