everyone we know is growing old

everyone we know is growing old

:: 2006 8 May :: 6.15pm
:: Mood: blah
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World... duh!

quixotic bubbles in a vacuum
i feel like i should be feeling something special. something like fear or anxiety or worry or anything... nostalgia maybe... i just don't really feel like those things... i feel surreal, like everything i experience isn't happening and everything that is coming isn't really ever going to make it here. i'm pressing on into oblivion with violins and cellos playing gently in the background.

my time with brooke is growing so short. pretty soon she won't be around and i don't even get to look forward to the end of summer so i can see her again. and that should make me really sad and nervous and all that stuff, but it isn't and it's weird. i know i'll miss her, but... it isn't registering anymore... god damn my stupid brain and it's inablity to recognize things and make me feel the right way about it.

i feel bad. like i'm letting someone down... like i'm not being the best i could be... i should be better. do something.

i'm going to go do something that involves water. i'll do yea... whatever.

'you always know the perfect thing to say...'

love,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 7 May :: 8.45pm
:: Mood: lethargic
:: Music: Cake - Never There

omfg so tired.

so jimmy is offically off the schedual and fired. terminated. yes!! it's so much better working there now. except sam is mad at me or something, i don't really care. anyway, yeah... he's gone thank god.

yesterday was so frickin awesome! i'm so tired from it still, but it was great!
thanks everyone who came, it was really the best and i appreciate it muchly.

i am too tired to keep writing.

'we used to be friends...'

love,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

aerii

:: 2006 6 May :: 12.26pm

Ligenfelter? His last name is Lingenfelter?

What kind of last name is that?

pssh, whatev.

p.s. last night/yesterday was the shiz.
'cept when my spongebob icecream fell on the ground. :[

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 6 May :: 10.22am

okay, so i'm wearing a skirt and i washed my hair and i'm excited for today/tonight.

sushi, fire, marshmallows friends... it's going to be really great. i hope.

i'm a little hurt, but that's okay. i don't want to talk about it because it's stupid and i need to just accept it.

i cut my hand with the razor when i was shaving my legs. haha.

i'm too hot.

weweweweeeeeeeeeeeee.

'shalalala'

love,
ameoia

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 5 May :: 9.36pm

tomorrow is going to be so fucking awesome. i'm so excited!!!! ah!!

and today was pretty good. i love the word 'terminated'. it makes me happy. i worked at wetzel's today with lauren and keith. it was pretty cool...

but tomorrow!!! oooohhh!!!

'meow meow meow meow meow meow...'

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 5 May :: 8.49am
:: Mood: blah

AP Euro test today. Not looking forward to it because I just hate taking tests, but you have to do what you have to do.

I had a dream last night. I had personified my other half, who happened to be a man and in the entire dream we never had physical contact once. It really stood out, that we couldn't touch. It was a strange dream.

Just been playing some video games. I'm being lazy. I broke a plate. Hmm... Jimmy works with us today. AQ is back, which is nice because he's so much fun.... So I don't really know what's going on... Just existing, I guess. It's cold down here.

'i don't understand you...'

love,
amelia

p.s. jeremiah... we need to talk.

9 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 4 May :: 9.34pm

Jimmy's getting fired! (If I can come up with documentation of when he's sexually harrassed me so if I ask you, please do your best to remember what I've said to you...)

I promised to stay at Edo if Jimmy does get fired. So there's my full time job in a Jimmy-free environment! Too bad it's minimum wage... Whateves.

So yeah, I'm going to bed.

Yay! Saturday! Yay!

'now we're going to...'

love,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 3 May :: 7.01pm

Wow, soon I won't have any real homework! Awesome!

And I had a really good day today. It was totally good.

And I love my Rik guy. He's so great.

And I love my Kirkery. He's so fun.

And I especially love my Brookie because she's so wonderful at being my bestest friend.

And I love Saturday because it's going to be SO FUCKING SWEET because my mom TOTALLY said that my idea was TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME and that I CAN go and do it because she'll KNOW WHERE I AM. YESSS.

so, everyone. it's so awesome to be me.

'i'm loving you until the day becomes the night and the night becomes the day...'

love,
amelia

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 2 May :: 3.50pm
:: Mood: disappointed
:: Music: The Spill Canvas - All Hail The Heartbreaker

"my dreams are infected with words you used to say..."
"what if i ripped your heart apart at the seams maybe then you'd know how i feel..."

because this wound keeps being reopened
and these shards of glass are attacking my throat
i'm drowning in this stolen memory
time's red hands smeared across my walls

up the stairs, through my door
with all the stars in the sky
haunting summer days rolling in my bed
and i'll let you do this to me, over and over in my head

the future's coming, the future's here
dreams winding in the suns of eternity
undefined, melodic, failing for the hearts
of the innocent and talented

i'm excited for saturday. pretty soon i'll have to tell my parents about the plan. any ideas, brooke?

'i must be dreaming..'

love,
amelia

11 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

Namu	:: 2006 1 May :: 9.09pm I must say, you're lookin very good amelia, I'm proud of you. I'm just sayin... "there's just so much that time cannot erast" 3 told me \| i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 1 May :: 4.08pm

My first class for Early Fall Start is on August 21, 2006 and ends September 15, 2006. It starts at 10:00 am and ends at 12:30 pm in Meany Hall with Salk. Hells yes.

So, everyone. I'm cool.

I'm really happy today. I want to play some DDR, but since the PS2 is brokden I can't.

I don't know what to say... I miss my Kirkery! Only, not hardcore because I can go without seeing him for a day. What's a day when it was months between seeing Jeremiah?

So yeah...

Happy Monday.

'i'm jealous...'

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 29 April :: 10.05pm

1.First Name: Amelia
2.Middle Name: Grace Helena Rose
3.Last name: Bergh
4.Nicknames: Millie, MelMel
5.City: Spokane, soon Seattle
6.Guy or Gal: Gal
7.Zodiac Sign: Aries
8.Siblings: 2
9.Pet(s): 3
10.Hair Color: Blondeish
11.Eye Color: Brownish
13.What hand do you write with?: Right
14.Hair Length: Short
15.Do you bite your nails? No

RELATIONSHIPS:

18. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Yes
19. If so what is their name?: Kirkery
20. Are you gay?: No

FASHION STUFF:

21. Where do you shop the most?: Food stores
22. Do you have any piercing?: Yes
23. Do you have a tattoo?: No...t yet...
24. What is it or What do you want?: Heart or a star or a skull

THE EXTRA STUFF:

25. Do you do drugs?: No
26. What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use?: Pantine and Citre Shine
27. What are you most scared of?: I don't know anymore
28. If you could go anywhere, where would it be?: Seattle
29. What are you listening to right now?: Marilyn Manson
30. Who are you talking to right now?: Kirk
31. What time is it?: 10:11pm
32. Do You Have Your Own Phone Line? No
33. What's the last four digits of your phone number? 4295
34. What shoes do you wear?: DVS
35. What clothes do you sleep in?: Panties
36. What kind of car do you have? None
37. Who is the last person who called you?: Kirkery
38. Where do you want to get married?: Somewhere green
39. Favorite Celebrity?: None
40. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? My weight or my horrible acne

FAVORITES:

41. Color: Green
42. Number: twelve or fifteen or three
43. Song: Jimmy Eat World - Kill
44. Movie: Silent Hill
45. Candy: Any candy
46. Band: hellogoodbye
47. TV show: Most Haunted
48. Food: Goldfish or ice keem
49. Fast food restaurant?: I don't know
50. Nail polish color: Green
51. Age: 3
52. Subject in school: Japanese
53. Bath or Shower?: shower
54. Teacher: Larry Jay
55. Game: Wrestling

HAVE YOU EVER:

56. Gotten drunk?: No.
57. Bungee Jumped?: No.
58. Went sky diving?: No.
59. Broke the law?: Yes.
60. Ran from the cops?: No.
61. Tried to kill yourself?: I wish.
62. Made yourself throw up?: Yes.
63. Gone skinny dipping?: No.
65. Made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: No.

WHICH IS WORSE:

66. Barfing on your date or date barfing on you? Me throwing up.
67. Having your Tonsils or your appendix removed? Appendix

HAVE YOU EVER...
73. Eaten an entire pack of KD: Sure
74. Caused a car accident?: No.
75. Seen the ocean? Yes!

THIS OR THAT

76. Night or Day: Day
77. Boxers or Briefs: Boxers
78. Ocean or lake: Ocean
79. Chocolate or vanilla: Vanilla
80. Love or lust: Love
81. Silver or gold: Silver
82. Pencil or pen: Pencil
85. Rose or tulip: Rose

IN THE PAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...

86. Cried? Almost
88. Worn a skirt? No
89. Gone for a walk? Yesish
90. Gone for a drive? Not really...
91. Gone out for dinner? Sureish
92. Taken a test? No
95. Watched your favourite movie? No
96. Given someone a present? Probably no
97. Missed someone? Yes
98. Hugged someone: Yes
99. Kissed someone: Yes
100. Danced with someone: Yes
101. Had a nightmare: Yes
102. Fought with your parents?: Yes

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

aerii

:: 2006 29 April :: 10.22pm

hahaha

kirk is so cool!

too bad we couldnt have that bonfire though....

BFF fosho fo life yoyoyouyo.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 29 April :: 9.42pm
:: Mood: frustrated
:: Music: Sixpence None The Richer - Kiss Me

So, Jimmy said he was this close to firing me. It was pretty exciting. Do you know why he said that? Because I asked for Saturday off. Guess what he had done before that? While I was on my half he totally just ditched Sam and me for a few hours then came back and complained about having to be at work. Sam was pissed. He was all "If i get angry enough, I'm going to talk to Boss about it." And I was all "Hells yes, tell on Jimmy because he's a fucking douchebag." And then Sam left early and Jimmy let me off early. I really think it's because I won't fuck Jimmy. That fucking asshole.

I talked to my Saudi Arabian. His name is Muslat and he invited me to a movie and asked for my phone number. I told him I had a boyfriend and he apologized and was really sweet about it. Unlike Fusman, Antony, Paul and Sam who all just are pigs. It was really sweet.

I have to go to work at eleven tomorrow. I guess I was supposed to be there at eleven today, but I didn't hear Jimmy say that so I apologized and moved on with my life... Oh, and I totally bent my fingernail back and it's all bloody underneath. Yay.

So, I'm just going to wait until I'm fired or until summer starts to find a new job. I'm going to apply at Dakota. I'm confident I'll get a "good" job there. And it will be full time. And I get to waste my whole summer talking to idiots on a telephone! Hurrah! ...... fuck.

I'm thinking about bandaging my wrist tomorrow just to mess with Jimmy. I always say I'm going to slit my wrist, so why don't I pretend? It would be a funny joke. haha.

fucker. mother fucking baby raping prick face. i can't wait until i quit. i'm totally going to bitch that fucking asshat out.

'all i can say i shouldn't say...'

love,
amelia

4 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

lala	:: 2006 29 April :: 9.44pm From myspace but just so cuuuute! Read more.. i want to hear the stories of your love for me

Namu	:: 2006 29 April :: 8.24am ... what hurts the most, is having such beautiful memories... "the best part of beLIEve is the lie..." 3 told me \| i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 29 April :: 7.04am
:: Mood: annoyed

Work...
So, I really hate my job sometimes. Just being there makes me want to die, or hurt myself, or tell Jimmy to shove it. I told my dad I was planning on quitting so I can have the summer to myself because it's my last summer here, in Spokane after highschool. He told me that he never gets summer breaks and hasn't for the last thirty-five years. And that since they've already cut my break short a month, I shouldn't have free time. I just stopped talking after that. Then he tried to fix it. He told me that I have to keep working, but I could find a new, better-paying, not-so-horrible job.

So, everyone... Help me think of a better-paying job. Right now, I make $7.63 an hour (two cents under minimum wage for all those who don't know), but I would like to be making $8.00 or up. I was thinking in the summer I could try Dakota because they pay like... $10.00 an hour for Ori's old job (which is fucking full time, which I think my parents expect me to do). So, it looks like this summer I'll have a full time job and only have two days to myself. I'm NOT looking forward to the summer. I'm looking forward to when I get to leave this fucking house with this STUPID rules that I hate.

But, yeah, please, my friends, help me brainstorm ideas because I really don't want to go to Dakota to work. I'll have to buy nice, business-y clothes! God!!!

Please.

"the ghost that i left behind is dragging me right back next to you...'

love,
amelia

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 28 April :: 6.05am

Futures
I've been thinking about how my life is going to be soon... While I was at the UW I noticed how paralyzed I am when I don't have some kind of real support there... If Brooke had been there, I would have been able to talk to people, but since my dad was there I didn't really meet anyone... It was a real shock to me... only, not really because I know I'm an antisocial loser (when a girl in college heard me say that she started laughing in a good way).

And the whole time I was there I was thinking about how much Brooke would love it. And how cool it would be to be with Brooke there... Then I thought about how cool it would be to be with Kirk there. But then I thought that Brooke won't get to see it probably, which really sucks... Because on the breaks I'll be at home... SUX0RZ.

oh, the nice thing is our quarters end before the breaks so there is nothing to stress over during vacations! sa-wheet! and the campus offeres SO MUCH to their students, it's incredible. i'm really excited.

so... i love you guys. and it'll be hard to say good bye... so let's not.

'when i look at the stars..'

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 27 April :: 9.20pm

I love Seattle. So much. Just walking down the Ave gives me the biggest smile. I'm so excited to go to college and to live there... It's so beautiful and wonderful.

What isn't wonderful is how alone I'll be there. Kirk will be in Redmond and I will have no friends because everyone is either staying here or going to California... Which sucks...

I'm sad. I don't want to miss Brooke.

Oh well... You can't fight the inevitable. We'll just have to make now the best ever.

'because you loved me...'

love,
amelia

1 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 26 April :: 5.58am
:: Mood: excited

I'm off to Seattle eventually today. I'll miss you!

I hope you all have a great two days. Because I probably won't do anything here for the next two days. So I love you and you can post things about me on this entry and know that I won't be able to read it for two days. yea!

I love being alive.

3 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 25 April :: 8.43pm
:: Mood: ecstatic

i don't really know how to express how i feel... so i'll just say it simply:

today was the best day ever
i am ^happier than i can ever remember being
i feel explode-y and utterly pink and fluffy
whever i think about him, i get a smile on my face
and everything is green and growing and marvelous

honestly, i'm so... wow. breathlessly wonderful.
i feel kind of like this: Read more..
or something like that.

i love being happy. i adore kirk.

'does it really need to be said...?'

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 25 April :: 5.59am

Well, it'll be a lonely day at school today....

But I'll have a good time at lunch, hopefully, and after school will be great.

Yup.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 24 April :: 3.49pm
:: Mood: cheerful
:: Music: Hellogoodbye - Shimmy Shimmy Quater Turn

I have the best boyfriend in the whole wide world!
he is so wonderful! he made my day so so sooo much better. He left me a trail of hearts down my sidewalk and left me a special note! It made me feel so special and loved and wonderful! I love him so much!

Sorry for today, everyone. I was in a really horrible mood because of those two people. I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry.

But Kirk made it better. And tomorrow, after I'm done being lonely and stupid in third, hopefully Kirk and I are going to see Silent Hill, which is so exciting! I really want to go! With Kirk.

So yeah... I can't wait to move away from all of this. I don't want this life anymore because it makes me feel like dying every single time I realize I'm existing in it.

And now for a poem by e.e. cummings:
"since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
--the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for eachother: then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis"

i love e.e. cummings. he's my favourite poet now.

'hey some1 loves u...'

love,
amelia

p.s. i really, really love e.e. cummings. oh my god.

8 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 23 April :: 7.42pm
:: Mood: pissed the hell off
:: Music: Boxcar Racer - I Feel So

sickness
today has been a low. i'm really disgusted with pretty much everything right now and i just want to throw myself off a cliff or drive a white-hot knife into their eyes and cut out their tongues and rip out their vocal cords and slice off their fingers... and then laugh at them and spit on them and rub salty lemon juice into every flesh wound i've inflicted.

yeah, i'm not happy with people. and no amount of anything will make it better because it... i don't even get it anymore. i just can't understand it. i mean... what the fuck?

i thought i was done with immature fucks, but i guess... i guess all that time spent pushing people like that away left a huge ass hole for the worst ones to squeeze their way in.

and it fill me with a fear. it makes me feel like i'm making a mistake, which i've alread tore myself apart about. i want to believe that i'm making a good choice. but when they just... when can i just do what i want without some asshat messing it up? when is it good enough? why can't they just die?

i am making a good choice because you aren't like that. i'm making the right choice because i am a good and worthwhile person who knows how to take care of herself. i know what i want and i know how to get it and keep it. i like to think i understand you fairly well, well enough to know i'm not just a toy.

because i don't feel like a toy. i feel love, respected, cared for. I feel Happy.

Happy.

I'm fucking happy. so just stfu and die.

mother fucking ass eating prick "cuntfaces". rot in hell and obscurity. i hope all the whores you have sex with give you nasty diseases because no girl would ever be dumb enough to fall in love with wretched piles of waste such as yourselves.

and i'm going to feel bad about saying this later. but right now, i don't care, i want to get it out.

'simply being loved, loved, loved is more than enough...'

love,
hurt and dying.

p.s. i hate my life right now and i want to go cry. good night.

7 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 23 April :: 2.22pm

hello.
i have nothing to do right now.
acutally, i have lots to do, but no motivation to do them.
i suck at keeping goals.
i need some will power.

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 22 April :: 9.59pm
:: Mood: exanimate
:: Music: Jimmy Eat World - Polaris

can you tell me..?
today was really hard. went for a run thingie with kirk in the morning... then did some sit ups and push ups... then wrote some of my english paper... then i got called into work early... walked to work because the buses are fuckers. then i got bleach on my shirt and stood for most of the time... i got off late... ugh... my feet... they are dying.

but there were some really great parts... like when brooke came and visited me at work! which totally made my day wonderful. and i saw mike and peter and april. and i got to see my favourite person this morning with sleepy eyes! and i took a really nice hot shower. and lauren (from work) complimented my hair... and jimmy said i was doing a good job at work. and kevin was a sweetheart to me like always.

so yeah. today was pretty balanced i suppose. <3.

i'm really tired... so i'm going to go to bed. because i love sleep so much. i also love existing right now because i forgot people hated me for a second...

fuck, i have euro homework, too. damn it. i got two b's on my report card. i can afford to have three b's by the end of the year, which i'm not planning on because i'll acutally do my work this semester. or at least do the extra credit.

tomorrow is brookerin time and kirkery time. brooke in the morning... kirk in the sushi time. it'll be a good day tomorrow.

brooke, when do you want to come over?

'one day, you'll have to let it go...'

love,
amelia

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 22 April :: 11.21am

two pages down, two to go. fucking english.

my paper is really bleh.

i don't want to go into work early, but i really don't have much of a choice and it won't be terribly productive/fun staying here. might as well get paid to be bored that to just not.

and jimmy ass face won't be there. yay.

so i guess i'll call them and be like, yo. i'll come in.

sushi tomorrow! i'm excited. i went for a jog today and it was great to go with kirk. <3. happy day.

'thanks...'

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 22 April :: 6.40am

i really don't know what to say right now...

honestly, all i want is for people to not hate me.
or for them not to do hurtful things towards me.

that's it.

'where is your boy tonight..?'

love,
amelia

2 told me | i want to hear the stories of your love for me

godessalthena

:: 2006 21 April :: 7.08am
:: Mood: tired
:: Music: Armor for Sleep - Kind of Perfect

sometimes we just have to let some things go...
last night... emotions were going places and it really sucked and i don't want that anymore.

i love you, and i wish we could be friends, but living with the constant fear of your judgement or hurting you just drives me insane and makes me want to kill myself. the way you're acting towards me gives me the worst feeling about our expired relationship and makes me just want to block you out. i'm sorry that i'm being so harsh, but i'm being honest. i respect you, i want you to know how i really feel. you never open up to me and i'm sick of that too.

so i'm sorry. i just can't have you in my life anymore...

and i have one favour to ask... Can I have my red ribbon back? that's the only thing i want.

........

on to more interesting topics...

i get my kimono soon! and by soon i mean in a few weeks. or one week... in a week or so. there. and it's going to be so freking sweet! and i'll totally take pictures and show all of you the awesomeness that is my kimono! my mommy is making it for me and it's going to be so pretty. i've always wanted one.

though... now that i think about it... i know very little about kimonos... mostly because i haven't paid any attention when we have learned about them in japanese class... but whatever. i'm still excited!

so yeah...

how is everyone?

'hope comes from inside... and i feel so low tonight...'

love,
amelia

i want to hear the stories of your love for me

Namu	:: 2006 20 April :: 8.44pm for some reason my heart hurts....like a lot. I'm just sick....of adjfsklajsd if i could just close my eyes forever....... "you're beautiful, it's true" 1 told me \| i want to hear the stories of your love for me